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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to wonder why retired parents live in big houses and don't help family?

740 replies

Dojos · 12/04/2018 21:20

Not judging the choice but i can't help finding it odd that you can have two sets off grandparents living in and owning several properties and adult children both in full
Time work struggling to make ends meet.

Bright enough and big hearted enough to know inheritance is a gift not a right, and rightly so. I'm just curious how parents can sleep In 5 bedroom homes they don't need at night whilst their good steady grown up kids struggle a whole Gang into a 2 or 3 bed semi.

I guess that applies further - why do the elderly generation not downside and keep the lifecycle of a family home going?

OP posts:
Falmer · 14/04/2018 20:00

Anyway, when did it suddenly become ok to discuss parents finances and property? If we'd have done this in the 60's/70's we'd have had a right bollocking! Where has all this come from? Oh yeah, it's the new "entitled generation".

Falmer · 14/04/2018 20:07

Think I'll start questioning dd when she comes back home with all her stuff. What has she spent her money on, etc? She'll probably tell me to mind my own business and get on with my own life! And she'd be right.

PortiaCastis · 14/04/2018 20:07

I'm 37 and if my Mum knew I'd discussed her financial details online I'd still get a clip round my ear as her details are private and not mine to discuss

Falmer · 14/04/2018 20:13

We'll put dd up for a while until she gets back on her feet again, at least she's tried without bothering us about our finances!

Xenia · 14/04/2018 20:34

My children's grewat grandmothe rlived alone until about 90 and she died probably in one of the best ways, very suddenly, heart attack falling down her cellar steps. Totally active and self sufficient to the last and the house was indeed the family house but just a 3 up 2 down terraced I think it was and very nice (In Yorks so not valuable). No one would ever dream of saying she should move out. The other great granny had to go into a care home and her little bungalow was sold. My parents had a bigger house - 4 bed detached in which they died and it was their only house which they owned for 50 years but that was fine. I didn't feel in NE England they were hogging property unfairly. My father worked at home so needed a separate office and waiting room and a floor for storage of files - he worked almost until he died by the way; and we often visited and there are 9 grand children so we needed the spare bed rooms anyway just to accommodate us on visits. My own granny - one never owned I think and died in Sunderland lunatic asylum and the other one had a small terraced house in the NE and let the upstairs for the last 20 years just to get a bit more cash in than the state pension (people used to let out rooms in their houses for money in teh old days a lot more than now - you'd have a widow with a 3 or 4 bed terraced and she'd let each bed room to live in lodgers - even my grandfather's brother - most successful member of the family who became a lawyer and married at almost 50 and died 4 years and 3 children later, lodged until he was well over 40.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 14/04/2018 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoldKitties · 14/04/2018 20:45

Falmer, I'm not feeling remotely sorry for myself
Why would I? I'm more than happy paying our awesome landlord for the house we're living in now.
I'm extremely happy to save my arse off and move into a small, cheap house that we can afford. One that will likely need a lot of work. I'll be thrilled to do all that work ourselves. As I already said, it's what my parents did. I'll be happy and proud to follow in their footsteps. There's absolutely no self-pity here.

Er, what exactly do you think I'd learn from gillybeanz post? As I have previously stated, DP and I are saving our arses off. Internet? Necessary, as previously explained. Car? Don't own one. Sky? Don't have it? Phones? We both have smart phones (again, necessary for work) but they're three years old, we'll only purchase new ones when we absolutely have to. Takeaways? Very rarely have them, only ever in my parents house when one or both of my siblings are visiting and we have a nice family night in. We both bring lunches to work, never buy them. I haven't had a takeaway coffee in about a decade. Nights out? We neither have nor want them.

So exactly what is it I should be learning from that post?

nursy1 · 14/04/2018 21:20

do you understand about how care is paid for?

In my profession, of course I do. It’s because I see people lose the wealth they thought they would pass to their children. Happens all the time.
As I said up thread, this is all about planning and talking to your family. When we downsized we organised the downstairs with no steps or different levels. Wet room and telly room/ snug which will easily become a bedroom.
It’s a 3 bed house so room for a live in carer. We have 6 kids and they will all contribute as they are able to this if the need arises. We had a family conversation when we retired and distributed money. I absolutely trust them. We are a family.
Neither me or DH want to go in to a nursing home should we have dementia or a debilitating stroke. As I said, I will have an advance directive in place and if I can’t get myself to Switzerland my DH will.

Bluelady · 14/04/2018 21:31

None of us want to go into a care home. Some of us won't have any choice, hence hanging onto our money so we can have a decent one. My mum thought she was in a hotel, if/when dementia strikes that's what I want to think too.

Falmer · 14/04/2018 21:34

much reviled millennials = sarcastic self pitying.

nursy1 · 14/04/2018 21:37

None of us want to go into a care home. Some of us won't have any choice

There is a choice with careful planning bluelady. I have chosen something different rather than passively accepting fate.

simiisme · 14/04/2018 21:39

I do get what the OP is saying - not waiting on an inheritance myself; both mine and husband's parent all gone now and none had a pot to piss in.
A dear friend of mine in her 60s has downsized so her kids can benefit from her large house. She wasn't pressured into doing this, she's just lovely. She still has a very nice 2 bedroom bungalow. In a similar position I would do the same.

BoldKitties · 14/04/2018 21:45

Not at all, Falmer. Sarcastic? Yup, I'm extremely sarcastic. Self-pitying? Not even remotely.

Can you only respond to my posts by picking literally three words and repeating them? Nothing to say on anything else I've posted? Shocker Hmm.

WTFiswrongwithpeople · 14/04/2018 21:46

If we’re going to judge you have to factor in how hard did they work for it, are their kids lazy, did the parents have the opportunities that their children didn’t (like an inheritance from their parents for example), is their a gold digging daughter/son-in-law or are the parents just mean and stingy? Etc etc...

So yes OP sometimes I do wonder but other times I don’t. Depends on the individual situation.

Bluelady · 14/04/2018 21:47

You have the choice because you have six children. For your arrangement to work other people have to manage it if you lose capacity. Most of us don't have the luxury of six people in the wings to do that. We need the money instead. The umbrella to put up when the rainy day comes.

SB1189 · 14/04/2018 22:16

@Dojos because when you are an adult, you stand on your own damn feet and look after yourself, that’s why.

scaryteacher · 14/04/2018 22:17

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/04/13/club-sandwich-generation-pensioners-bankrolling-family-4000/

The link above is to the DT article on pensioners bankrolling families.

TheMythicalChicken · 14/04/2018 23:26

SunwheretheFareyou, salaries have not increased in line with house prices. So in the 1960s you could buy a house in London for £2,000. That was also a normal wage, so you could buy a house for the equivalent of a year's salary. However, that same house is now worth about £2M but the same salary is about one twentieth of that.

StillMe1 · 14/04/2018 23:57

Nursy1 - I am wondering if your name denotes your occupation.
You mentioned you have 6 children who will all take care of you and DH when you get old and ill.

I hope your children do all club together and care for you and each other but I have not found this to be the case in real life.
I was from a small family but not an only child. Care all fell to me but the sibling was right in there demanding money after death. What was due by law was given over.
A friend from a larger family than yours, had two nurses among the children. Care fell to one person despite 2 of their siblings being nurses!

It could all turn out very differently from what you think today. Sorry to be chucking the cold water about.

Teacher22 · 15/04/2018 06:55

Their are many reasins why parents might want to stay in a house larger than other people think they need:-

They worked For and on it all their lives, paid tax on it, maintained , perhaps extended or improved it, repaired and cleaned it and got it just how they wanted it.

It is in the right place for seeing all of their family and friends.

They can put children and grandchildren up when needed, for example, holidays and Christmas.

Downsizing loses money in stamp duty and fees, it is often the case that downsizers end up with a two or three bedder for exactly the same money as the four bedder they sold. I know several couples who costed downsizing and found this to be the case so strayed put.

Downsizing means jettisoning beloved possessions too early.

Once you move from an expensive to a cheap area you cannot move back.

If you move to be near children they could move away again.

Adult children have rising incomes and can move upwards while grandparents are on small, fixed incomes and rely on their home as their only capital. Once it is gone it is gone.

The law of possession under the law is that, if a thing is yours, and you paid all the taxes due on it, it is yours to do with as you please.

No one I know from the generations before the present one ever looked at their parents’ house with envy or reproached them for being independent. They were grateful there might be some assets to inherit.

The present older generation is a prudent one who forewent much to prioritise housing. Some of them might not want to lose their independence to benefit children from a generation less prudent. I know a young couple who were saving for a deposit but blew it on a holiday and a wedding. How bitter to lose a house to hedonists who wasted your security in life on ephemera? I realise, of course, that many younger people are both grateful and prudent as is evidenced by many posters on this thread.

Many grandparents are contributing much to their offspring other than by giving up their house to them. It is estimated that free childcare and other subsidies from old to young run to billions of pounds’ worth per year.

I helped my daughter towards a deposit on a house by saving all her household contributions when she lived at home to work and by giving her much of my pension lump sum, saved for during 34 years teaching and she was delighted and grateful. She wants to move elsewhere in the country and for her DF and I to sell up to provide her with free childcare if she needs it. We said no.

I suggest to the OP that a three bed semi is not a small benefit in life and that many would envy her and think her attitude ‘entitled’.

Resentment is an emotion that poisons the life of the resenter and gratitude likewise enriches the thankful.

Teateaandmoretea · 15/04/2018 07:12

The present older generation is a prudent one who forewent much to prioritise housing. Some of them might not want to lose their independence to benefit children from a generation less prudent. I know a young couple who were saving for a deposit but blew it on a holiday and a wedding. How bitter to lose a house to hedonists who wasted your security in life on ephemera? I realise, of course, that many younger people are both grateful and prudent as is evidenced by many posters on this thread.

It's this^^ sort of stereotyping that gets people's goats. There were people who were shit with money in all generations. There were/are sensible prudent people in all generations it's as simple as that really.

mrsal · 15/04/2018 07:21

I’ve told my parents (both retired) I don’t want a penny, if they leave us nothing but have a happy retirement I’ll be happy. They worked hard, struggled along the way and now have a lovely home and take lots of holidays, and rightly so!

KevinTheYuccaPlant · 15/04/2018 08:24

Location has a huge amount to do with prices as well. My father bought the house I grew up in, a 5-bed semi in Bristol, in 1973 for £7,000. Coincidentally, I am currently in the process of buying a 5-bed detached in the Highlands, built around the same time in the late 1800s, that was bought in 1974 for exactly the same amount.

Today the Bristol house is worth about £1.1 million (taking the average of the Zoopla estimates for the four identical houses in that road) and I'm buying the Highlands house for £110,000.

nursy1 · 15/04/2018 09:05

hope your children do all club together and care for you and each other but I have not found this to be the case in real life

Stillme. It’s a risk isn’t it that our kids won’t carry out our wishes but we have had an open discussion about it. It included If one of them was broke at the time and the ones who live far away. They suggested that the giving could be of time with one (who was always a bit of a geek :) saying they could cost it per hour. None of them are in the medical profession. Some are already wealthier than others, some hownowners, some not I can do no more. I honestly do trust that they will work it out and carry out our wishes
bluelady if I lose capacity I feel strongly that I don’t want to be a burden and I don’t want to bleed away the family fortune needlessly being kept alive in overpriced facilities. I don’t think just the fact I have six children makes this workable. It depends how much is in the pot doesn’t it? Also how you want your end of life care to be.
FWIW I think state provision is ok in some areas. Sure the very expensive private care homes are luxurious and wonderful facilities but you will lose every asset you have paying for it unless you are fabulously wealthy, when your money runs out they will move you to a public facility without a blink of an eye. Better solution I’ve seen is for a few old people to move into one of these big houses they own and employ care in.

nursy1 · 15/04/2018 09:14

I should make it clear that there is not currently state provision as such. What I meant is that the state pays a contribution or all of private care home if you have no money. It will be the same one where people alongside you are bleeding away their assets to stay there.