AIBU to wonder why retired parents live in big houses and don't help family?

[Dojos]

Not judging the choice but i can't help finding it odd that you can have two sets off grandparents living in and owning several properties and adult children both in full
Time work struggling to make ends meet.

Bright enough and big hearted enough to know inheritance is a gift not a right, and rightly so. I'm just curious how parents can sleep In 5 bedroom homes they don't need at night whilst their good steady grown up kids struggle a whole Gang into a 2 or 3 bed semi.

I guess that applies further - why do the elderly generation not downside and keep the lifecycle of a family home going?

ThanksForAllTheFish that sounds like a nightmare, how old are they? I'd be inclined to say no it is too much for your DH and SIL.

AIBU to wonder why parents shouldn't live in big houses?
I have an aunt who lives alone in a four bedroom house with a big garden. The garden is her pride and joy. At 92 she still spends hours happily caring for it.
My mother (same age) has often asked her why she doesn't downsize, but her answer is that it is her home and she couldn't bear the upheaval of sorting things out and moving. Her house will be sold on her death and the money left to her grandchildren, which will be a help to them when the time comes. Why is this wrong?

On MN, as soon as the DC hit 18, they're adults and on their own.

I have sold up, downsized and given money to daughter and son in law for a house, it’s what feels right to me

Forget about internet?
Oh piss off, the internet is how everything works today. We need it to work, shop, communicate. People can cut there costs but it's not going to be internet they need to cut.

If we didn’t have the internet DH wouldn’t be able to work. So not an ideal thing to cut out.

Yeah forget the internet is one of the more stupid suggestions on this thread. And there's some hot competition on that front. I'm all for cutting back on expenditure (where possible, some people are cut back to the bone already, so the faux helpful suggestions are just fucking patronising and annoying). In fact DP and I are actively doing that at the moment. We're saving towards a deposit, as despite being much reviled Millennials, we actually don't expect our parents to provide us with a house. I'm just happy for my folks that their mortgage is paid off and that they can hopefully enjoy their retirement, when they eventually retire.

Practical suggestions as to where people could cut back and save money could actually be helpful (though as functioning adults, I'm sure we've all thought of the ways in which we can save money. If it were as simple as cutting out the odd takeaway coffee we'd all have houses by now 🙄). Blathering on about not paying to have an internet connection is just fucking stupid. Yes, everyone managed without the internet in the 70s. Here in the present, a lot of us require a decent internet connection for our jobs. DP and I certainly do. Not to mention banking (transferring our rent payments), job hunting (as I'm doing at the moment), all of the jobs I'm interested in are advertised online, and require online applications / CVs emailed etc. There's no option to post in a CV, and I wouldn't know about the job anyway if I wasn't online, staying in touch with friends and family overseas, getting involved in activism (all of the causes I'm currently involved with use social media to arrange meetings, training, canvassing). I could go on.

Also, I'm loving the irony of telling people to forget about the internet online. Using, y'know, the internet. Gobshite.

But hey, if DP and I stopped paying for our internet connection, what we'd save on monthly fees would add up to the amount we need for a deposit on the most modest of houses in our area, one which would require a fuckload of work (and I'd be delighted with that, I'd be more than happy to move into a crap heap of a house and do it up over the years, that's exactly what my parents did. Just putting that out there before anyone suggests that I'm an entitled snowflake who insists on a perfectly decked out palace) in 400 months. 33 years. Super plan. Oh except we would both lose our jobs, so no deposit for us. But forget the internet, yeah?

I do have to say though that my ds1 reckons he wouldn't have saved deposit with his fiance if they'd had the lifestyle that many of their friends have who are renting and can't afford to save deposit.

One old shared car, no sky or other subscriptions, cheapest phone deal with no internet, but broadband at home, no takeaways, nights out, etc.
In other words they didn't spend anything they didn't have to, and saved every penny.
Their friends have 2 newish cars on finance, lots of subscriptions, buy lunches at work, coffees, nights out, takeaways and wonder why they have no money.

If DH and I stopped paying for the internet -

the kids would move out - it could be a great idea!

Another problem is the cost of moving and the fact something is half size is not half the price and usually in a crap area and you are on top of each other. I have a dog that barks and no one can hear where I am at the moment. I could have music as loud as I like. It would be so difficult to go back to the flat I started in or even the 3 bed semi. I would lose control of so much. I’ve worked so hard to get this quality of life. Just because we are older doesn’t mean we have lost all interest in life and don’t want the same things as the young.

I agree with you OP, I don’t understand people who are in a position to help their kids and yet don’t, especially where there is a huge difference in wealth between generations.

ChickenVindaloo2, you're wrong. I said further upthread that our dd (26) is returning home because she can't keep up with rent and bills. Before you throw further goady generalisations in, I suggest you rtft.

A dd recently paid £305k for a house that had last sold in 1971 - for £3100. OK, it's in a relatively expensive area, though not London. I don't know where you are but I bought my first house in 1973, it was a rundown 2 bed terrace and we paid £5,200. We did it up a reasonable standard for the 70s but didn't have central heath or double glazing. Similar houses in the same road are now selling for £160,000 to £170,000 with all mod cons. I think that reflects a house price boom in 1972/3 and we bought at the top of the market.

House prices haven't just gone up on a straight line, there have been blips and bumps along the way and it makes it really hard to compare because if you pick your dates you can prove different things.

We found it really hard to buy our first house as have my children but it is hard to compare.

We are in this situation. We live in a big 5 bed detached house paid off years ago. Our son is married and lives in bought 2 bed flat - but he is a Dr and in a few years will be earning £100k as a GP and his wife is a teacher. When they have a child they will move into our area for the schools. We love our house and have been here 30+ years and wont move intil we are unsble to look after ourselves. We feel no obligation to downsize and give them a deposit for their next home - they have income levels to save themselves. When we die and her parents die they will inherit property worth in excess of £1.5m in today’s prices so they will have a very comfortable life.

Are you mad OP you sound very entitled. It’s entirely your parents choice if they have worked hard all their lives if they still want and are able to maintain a large home in an area where they know and feel comfortable its entirely up to them. Such an idea would never have crossed my mind. My parents don’t live in such a big house as yours but I wouldn’t dream of even thinking that they moved to a one bedrooms flat solely to benefit myself my family or one of my siblings.

Both sets of parents have enormous houses here my in laws keep it as we’re a close family and we all often end up staying overnight for family events. My MIL would ideally like a smaller place for upkeep but isn’t willing to compromise on not having the family together. My dad and my SM have a huge property with a lot of ground but they need it for the horses, geese, guinea fowl, dog, cats etc they have.

Both parents would (and have) help if we needed by offering a bed but I wouldn’t expect anything else from them. My brother on the other hand see £££ signs for when they pop off. Way I see it is that both sets of parents have worked incredibly hard for what they have, nothing handed to them from their parents and I would accept nothing more from them

I can't wait until the kids move out, I'll change one room into a home gym and the other into maybe a sort of library / chill out room. They're 2 and 4 months though so I won't start designing them just yet.

@Falmer

My comment was aimed at no-one in particular. But clearly touched a nerve with you...

In fact, was your comment even meant for me? My comment was just a about the general view taken on MN about children becoming independent asap.

BoldKitties, "much reviled millennials". Stop feeling so sorry for yourself, and there's some hot competition on that front too! Instead of blathering on sarcastically, read gillybeanz 16.55, you might learn something.

Chicken, that's right-generalising. I've seen many mn's who have children living at home in their 20's and returning home late 20's. I've not seen one who says as soon as dc hits 18, they're on their own?

They obviously worked hard to get to where they are and you should aim to do the same if you want to enjoy a similar lifestyle. Why shouldn't they enjoy the properties they invested in with their own money? As a previous poster pointed out, living in a 2-3 bedroom semi is not most people's idea of struggling!

If my dc expected us to bail them out in their 20's I'd feel like we'd failed them. by not preparing them to be independant. Unless of course they were still students on a very long course like medicine or Law.