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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

baby showers - AIBU or is my friend

71 replies

princesspxx · 11/04/2018 14:11

I am 30 weeks pregnant and my friend is 8 weeks behind me. Her boyfriend is my boyfriends best friend.we are both having girls

Her boyfriend came to my house the other day and we talked about clothes, prams, what we have bought so far etc. He said they haven’t bought anything except a few sleepsuits. He found it really odd that we have bought nearly everything ourselves and family has just helped with bigger purchases like the pram and cot etc.

He then asked when my baby shower is, I said I’m not having one. He said that was weird and that all expecting mums have them. I’m not against the idea of a baby shower, I would really like one! But most of my friends are away at uni/don’t live locally, we’ve got pretty much everything now and me and my boyfriend are going to have a weekend away to celebrate instead before baby comes. I also thought baby showers were usually arranged by your friends.

He said his girlfriend has arranged her own baby shower, told her friends what to buy her (not just saying like I need sleepsuits or I could do with some nappies etc) but actually told them she wants sleepsuits in such a colour and she’d prefer them from Next, M&S etc. She’s also sent them a link to an expensive Moses basket she likes and suggested that they could all chip in money towards it. I’m not sure how many people she’s inviting (and I know atleast 2 of them are expecting themselves) but I don’t think it’s fair at all to Arrange a baby shower basically to receive gifts she wants but doesn’t want to pay for herself. I spoke to her on Facebook this morning and the topic of baby clothes etc came up and she even had the cheek to suggest that I can just give her all my baby clothes when I’ve done with them. I find this really cheeky, my daughter isn’t even born yet and she’s trying to take all her stuff already?

It’s worth adding that they aren’t financially struggling. It’s as if she just wants to milk off other people or am I being unreasonable and that’s a fair thing to do?

OP posts:

bringincrazyback · 11/04/2018 15:28

PS be on your guard, she sounds like the type who will also throw a 'gender reveal party' cringe, cringe, cringe and expect gifts then too.

kaytee87 · 11/04/2018 15:30

Op she's being rude requesting gifts but you know this anyway. Just get on with what you're doing and tell her you're keeping your baby clothes for anymore you might have.

Original poster

princesspxx · 11/04/2018 15:31

@bringincrazyback she had a gender reveal meal and surprisingly didn’t invite anyone else who was pregnant

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 11/04/2018 15:33

I also found, when I was PG, that quite a lot of people were keen to give me baby stuff, especially clothes. OK so this was 14 years ago now, but isn't that still a thing - when you have had your own babies and they are now toddlers or older, you hear that a friend of a friend is PG and go, ooh, would they like some clothes/a bottle steriliser/cot blankets?

TroubledLichen · 11/04/2018 15:33

You sound like a normal sane person OP, I don’t know how you can bring yourself to be friends with someone that has a gender reveal meal! Is it just for the giggle factor?

Original poster

princesspxx · 11/04/2018 15:39

I used the term friend quite loosely really. We used to be friends but have drifted apart and are mainly just in touch through our boyfriends being friends and now also both being pregnant. I just find it all embarrassing the gender reveal meal to which her best friend wasn’t invited (who just so happens to be pregnant too), to arranging her own baby shower and asking me for clothes before my baby’s even here and there will only be about an 8 week difference between them.

I mentioned it to my friends they find her quite cringe worthy too so thought I’d post on MN to see opinions on here.

OP posts:

MargaretCavendish · 11/04/2018 15:51

Thankfully this kind of princessy nonsense usually flies out the window after the baby comes along.

This is very much not my experience...

TwittleBee · 11/04/2018 15:55

Blimey and she has already had a gender reveal party too! I thought those were usually wrapped up in baby showers? She sounds exhausting and her BF probably only thought it was weird and that all expecting mums have them because that is what she told him!

I have never heard of people being forceful with gifts; maybe making a gift list on Amazon or John Lewis sure but not being unreasonable about it! Usually people don't actually expect or ask. For baby showers I usually get the Mum-to-be a gift for her to use because I'll buy the baby something once its arrived.

TBF though I do know plenty of people who organise their own baby showers (I accidently ruined my sister's surprise one by talking to her about it as I, wrongly, assumed she must be helping organise it! Oops!)

Majority of baby showers I have been to have been very awkward affairs but best ones have been when its been a very close (and small) group of either friends or family.

Original poster

princesspxx · 11/04/2018 16:04

Yeah I completely understand if you’re having a baby shower giving people an idea of what you really need like sleepsuits in a certain size or certain nappies etc etc

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 11/04/2018 16:07

Gender reveal parties and all ffs

PistFump · 11/04/2018 16:26

I'm 36 weeks and nobody has arranged me a baby shower... I haven't arranged one for myself either.

MissP103 · 11/04/2018 17:09

Baby showers have been done for ages where I am. It's so normal and nobody views them as grabby. I had 3 when expecting my ds- friends, family and work and all arranged by them. A registry is often set up and you can choose to buy something from there or not. For me it would seem odd to not have one but then again It's the done thing here. Your friend though is being extremely rude by being so picky.

Bambamber · 11/04/2018 17:15

Someone I know had a baby shower then expected 'pushing presents' for herself for when she gave birth

SunshineAfterRain · 11/04/2018 17:18

My friend organised a joint baby shower for my other pregnant friend and I. (No gifts)
We just an excuse for tea, cake and pizza. 😁

DariaG · 11/04/2018 17:20

I don't think your "friend" is BU about the baby shower arrangement, I like when people make gift lists, it doesn't mean you have to get something mentioned in the list, but it will be very helpful for people that actually care about giving something that is wanted and it might be she is inviting people who do care. Anyway, you're not invited, why does it bother you so much? It sounds like you are competing with her too. Maybe you're a bit jealous?

She is really cheeky about your baby clothes though!!!

RubyBoots7 · 11/04/2018 17:25

Personally, I don't think the problem is the baby shower per se. I think the issue is your friend's attitude towards having a baby full stop, which sadly sounds very competitive and not about the tiny human that's going to arrive in a few months.

I think its totally cool to have one or not have one. All my friends who have had babies in the last few years have had showers and none if them have felt grabby. Usually only for first baby, but if a second baby they say please dont get gifts as they have stuff. My friends organised me one and asked me to give them a list as people wanted some guidance. It was all bits we were going to get anyway so didnt mind at all if they were bought or not. Some people bought bits from the list (all inexpensive), some either bought or made something they wanted to get off list. Some people didn't buy a gift at all. I couldn't have cared less as the point of the day was to hang out with my friends, eat cake and make some silly things. And there were other pregnant people there - it wouldn't have even occurred to me to exclude my friends because they were pregnant, I find that very sad.

As for the clothes, your baby could be late, hers early, hers larger than yours etc etc and the clothes wouldn't fit anyway! 8 weeks gap is bugger all. Lots of people keep clothes in case of second child or for sentimental reasons.

TheLette · 11/04/2018 22:30

Baby showers needn't be grabby - I had one, which was a garden party at my house (family, friends and neighbours, not just other girls). We said no presents in the invite and were no games, just chatting, eating and drinking!

Colonelpopcorn · 11/04/2018 22:39

I’m 33 weeks pregnant and I’m not having a baby shower.
It just isn’t for me. Me and dh have bought everything for baby ourselves as that’s they way we like to do everything.
I also have a real issue (I appreciate it’s entirely my issue) with accepting a ton of gifts before baby is here safely. I’m terribly anxious about this pregnancy.

FASH84 · 11/04/2018 22:51

I saw a US TV show with a 'sip n see' essentially an open house after the birth with some light afternoon tea laid on so people could come and meet baby, most brought gifts but it didn't seem to have been a request. I thought it was a nice idea and keeps the visits in hand, rather than people popping in whenever they want, often when you are shattered, haven't showered, are covered in baby vomit etc. It seemed more civilised than a shower

FrancisCrawford · 11/04/2018 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReanimatedSGB · 11/04/2018 23:38

I can see how the 'making a list of demands' aspect is a bit much, but like PP have said, it can be nice for people who wish you well and want to give you a gift to meet up with you before the birth ie when you are (hopefully) at the serene-glowing-contented stage, not covered in puke with your stitches hurting and your tits leaking.
(I am COMPLETELY aware that late pregnancy is horrible for some people and the newborn days can be serene and contented and happy-to-have-visitors, and everyone's mileage varies).

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