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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

baby showers - AIBU or is my friend

71 replies

princesspxx · 11/04/2018 14:11

I am 30 weeks pregnant and my friend is 8 weeks behind me. Her boyfriend is my boyfriends best friend.we are both having girls Smile

Her boyfriend came to my house the other day and we talked about clothes, prams, what we have bought so far etc. He said they haven’t bought anything except a few sleepsuits. He found it really odd that we have bought nearly everything ourselves and family has just helped with bigger purchases like the pram and cot etc.

He then asked when my baby shower is, I said I’m not having one. He said that was weird and that all expecting mums have them. I’m not against the idea of a baby shower, I would really like one! But most of my friends are away at uni/don’t live locally, we’ve got pretty much everything now and me and my boyfriend are going to have a weekend away to celebrate instead before baby comes. I also thought baby showers were usually arranged by your friends.

He said his girlfriend has arranged her own baby shower, told her friends what to buy her (not just saying like I need sleepsuits or I could do with some nappies etc) but actually told them she wants sleepsuits in such a colour and she’d prefer them from Next, M&S etc. She’s also sent them a link to an expensive Moses basket she likes and suggested that they could all chip in money towards it. I’m not sure how many people she’s inviting (and I know atleast 2 of them are expecting themselves) but I don’t think it’s fair at all to Arrange a baby shower basically to receive gifts she wants but doesn’t want to pay for herself. I spoke to her on Facebook this morning and the topic of baby clothes etc came up and she even had the cheek to suggest that I can just give her all my baby clothes when I’ve done with them. I find this really cheeky, my daughter isn’t even born yet and she’s trying to take all her stuff already? Hmm

It’s worth adding that they aren’t financially struggling. It’s as if she just wants to milk off other people or am I being unreasonable and that’s a fair thing to do?

OP posts:
DailyMailFail101 · 11/04/2018 14:36

I don’t understand baby showers, they seem such a grabby idea to me, she is being unreasonable.

Hissy · 11/04/2018 14:37

We had a thread on here recently about a new mum being excluded from the baby shower of another friend because she had a baby, potentially not wanting the focus shifted onto the new mum...

Give thanks to god you aren't invited, they are beyond revoltingly tacky (the way they are done here)

Thundercatshoooo · 11/04/2018 14:41

I hate baby showers "look at me I'm pregnant, everyone buy me gifts"!! You should just me glad you aren't invited and funding her designer (no doubt) Moses basket!

Just tell her straight you are keeping your baby clothes etc for your next child, she's a CF!

Atticusss · 11/04/2018 14:42

It does work like this a lot in America. In the U.K. Baby showers are still quite a new cultural thing, not everyone has them certainly, and in my experience because our culture has always been giving a surprise gift when you visit the new baby, people are reluctant to buy gifts for a baby shower because they don't want to visit the new baby empty handed. I usually buy the mum a token gift at a baby shower, and save the baby present for when the baby arrives. I have heard of people being asked to bring a freezer meal to a baby shower instead of a gift. This is very wise.

It might be that your friends boyfriend is taking rubbish though. I wouldn't be annoyed just from what he has said.

Sandsnake · 11/04/2018 14:50

I have a feeling that in a generation’s time they will be completely normal. I’m 33 and have never attended one or even know anyone who has had one. I work with a lovely 24 year old woman who was genuinely shocked to hear that I didn’t have one when I had my son. Amongst her similarly-aged friends they were commonplace and expected as a key part of being pregnant.

liquidrevolution · 11/04/2018 14:52

Shes a friend and you aren't invited?? She is not a friend.

Back away now or your DD will forever be compared to hers.

anyone else hoping the friend pops out a boy?? It could happen...

TomHardysLittleWeener · 11/04/2018 14:53

Babyshowers are tacky af. Invite a few friends over for cuddles and a cuppa when baby is here to celebrate his/her safe arrival.

Good luck and congratulations

Original poster
princesspxx · 11/04/2018 14:55

@liquidrevolution Grin that made me giggle! I secretly hoped they’d have a boy because she is very competitive... like bragging that her dads buying her a travel system for £1000 whereas ours cost £500 like it makes her better than us. I also get the feeling I’m not invited as she doesn’t want any attention on me/my pregnancy or if babies here by the time her shower is. I wonder if she’s going to invite her friends who are expecting! X

OP posts:
Belindabauer · 11/04/2018 15:01

It all sounds very grabby.
Do people then expect a gift when the baby is born too?
I wouldn't but two gifts.
Each to their own but unless it was my dd, I don't find baby showers remotely interesting. There isn't a baby to see, the host probably feels tired, grumpy and ill, the games are just cringy. At least at a hen do you can get ratarsed to cope with the cringiness.

MargaretCavendish · 11/04/2018 15:02

Oh come on. There is no way you seriously needed to ask whether you were being unreasonable - you knew full well what Mumsnet would think of this, and just wanted a thread full of people to line up and call her a grabby cow. I'm not sure that the competitiveness is as one-sided as you claim...

SchoolMoney · 11/04/2018 15:03

Just don't worry about it. Don't hand over anything they ask for and if there's a panic when they have to buy the things people didn't get them the only help you give (if you want to!) is say 'oh we went to mothercare/wherever and they were very helpful'. Hand over nothing and don't feel bad. Also, count yourself lucky you aren't invited. Might I be correct in assuming they're hosting their own baby shower but guests must pay for themselves to eat at it?

expatinscotland · 11/04/2018 15:09

Just decline any invitations. Buy something after her baby arrives.

ReanimatedSGB · 11/04/2018 15:10

I had a baby shower organised for me by friends, which was nice. I think it was partly down to me being the only one in that friendship group to have a baby (the majority of my longstanding friends were and still are child-free) and several of them actually wanted to go to Mothercare or similar and choose baby stuff - though I mainly got vouchers, which was handy as I was made redundant at 20 weeks PG.

I think OP's friend sounds a bit of a chancer, but baby showers can be a nice thing to do for someone, particularly if that someone is short of money.

Starlight2345 · 11/04/2018 15:10

I have been to a couple but the present I buy for the baby is what I would buy when baby is born .

BanyanTree · 11/04/2018 15:12

Make sure whenever you see her that your baby is not wearing anything really nice or expensive otherwise she will be after it.

Bramble71 · 11/04/2018 15:12

She sounds unbearably immature and grasping. If you can, give her a wide berth. I think baby showers are utterly tacky and just another way to get presents. I'd only ever give for the (ugh) shower or after the baby arrives. Certainly not both.
She's the unreasonable one. You sound very sensible, and not greedy!

Trinity66 · 11/04/2018 15:12

I never had baby showers, none of my friends did either, I'm not sure they're a big thing in Ireland.

Pinkvoid · 11/04/2018 15:16

It is like this in the US where I believe the idea originated from. You have a ‘baby registry’ and list the things you want for people who attend the shower to purchase.

I find the whole concept of baby showers corny and cringeworthy.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 11/04/2018 15:20

She’s definitely a CF and grabby... I’d keep my distance as this will get worse, not better.

Yidette86 · 11/04/2018 15:21

Oh gawd she sounds well grabby and entitled, we were very lucky that family had things to pass down to us - we haven't had to make any big purchases just add ons really but we were more than prepared to if we needed to, we wouldn't expect anyone else to foot the expense. How strange.

Baby showers have only really became a thing over here recently, I've been to one and it was nice but I asked my friends and family not to arrange one for me as I'd prefer a gathering after baby is born, it's not weird not to have one.. What planet is he from? Strange attitude to have.

BuntyII · 11/04/2018 15:23

Thankfully this kind of princessy nonsense usually flies out the window after the baby comes along.

Nikephorus · 11/04/2018 15:24

I like to be told exactly what to get for presents usually but even I'd like a bit of leeway - tell me what size and what sort of thing then let me pick from there.

bringincrazyback · 11/04/2018 15:25

YANBU. I think people who arrange their own showers are incredibly cheeky. 'Told her friends what to buy her' and suggested specific shops and an expensive item? Wow. People don't owe her gifts just because she happens to have got pregnant.

BringMeCoffeePlease · 11/04/2018 15:26

Don't concern yourself with it. Just focus on your partner and baby.

If she wants to be grabby, that's up to her. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, like give her your DD's clothes.

kaytee87 · 11/04/2018 15:28

I am also quite shocked that they assume the outcome will be a live healthy baby, tempting fate.

Bore off with this. Of course expectant parents assume the outcome of a pregnancy this far along will be a live baby. There's no such thing as tempting fate or are you really suggesting a still birth is somehow a mothers fault because she has a baby shower?!