Children not brushing their teeth for a week

[Pigeonpost]

My 3 DC (aged 5-10) went to stay with their grandparents for a week over the holidays. They live an 8 hour drive away (each way) so don't see them often and all parties really enjoy this week together.

Anyway it transpired tonight that the DC thought their toothbrushes hadn't been packed (they were, DH had told DC1 they were in a side pocket of the suitcase). MIL never raised this with us (so we could tell her where they were) and didn't buy them new toothbrushes, just told them to use what was in the bathroom (MIL and FIL's own toothbrushes, this bit alone makes me feel ill).

DC1 used one of PIL's brushes. DC2 and 3 don't like mint toothpaste fussy little blighters so have a different flavour one (which was packed) so apparently just swished water around their mouths. DC2 has weak tooth enamel due to an issue in utero and has 4 big cavities as a result which are regularly filled and treated by the dentist. We have to be rigorous about his teeth brushing and PIL know this.

DH is refusing to discuss it with MIL now as he doesn't see what good it would do. The kids are going again for a week in the summer so he's proposing to raise it then.

AIBU to think that this is bordering on neglect? I'm not sure I want my DC to go in the summer if this is the sort of shit PIL pull. There are other minor things that we just let slide because it's only 1-2 weeks a year (all day tv, numerous pyjama days, eating shit food) and not enough to risk damaging the DC's (and our) relationship with PIL over. PIL would be devastated not to have the DC and DC would be too as they love going and have some fun trips out and get spoilt rotten. PIL have what I would describe as much lower levels of domestic and personal hygiene than we do but as above, we can get over that. But I'm really cross about the tooth brushing. Am I being a snowflake and projecting my general issues about my IL's or is this unacceptable?

It’s gross. You can pick up a pack of toothbrushes for a quid and ditto on the milder toothpaste.
A week is a long time not to brush their teeth.. forgivable for a night maybe.
sharing toothbrushes is just rank.
I would be bringing it up for sure..

It's done, and bringing it up now makes it an issue. DH is on the right track with mentioning it before the next trip. Something along the lines of, 'you know how kids can be, they'll try and avoid showering/ brushing their teeth if they can, can you do us a favour and make sure they brush twice daily, especially as DC has issues with his teeth already, they might need a close eye to make sure'. Maybe they thought they were brushing using PIL's brushes and the kids just kept quiet. It's not ideal to share a brush but my husband and I were out on a work do before Christmas and I forgot my toothbrush, there was nowhere to buy one so that night I used his. If we'd been there longer I would've had a drive and found somewhere to buy one but it wasn't worth it for one night. It seems like your in-laws love your children a lot, and that isn't to be taken for granted. It's not worth making a huge deal over something that can't be changed now.

That's really stingy of them not to buy the DC new toothbrushes and toothpaste, they're not expensive.

I don't see the point of bringing it up, just make sure they know where they are next time.

It's done now. Next time you could phone in the evening to check they are brushing their teeth.

Starting to write this there are only two responses. Sure there'll be more before I'm finished!

First of all, although different, I think they are both right. Although my personal preference is more with FASH than Tatty, I don't disagree with either of them.

My point is to STRONGLY say.,,, No, this is not boarder line neglect. Boarder line neglect is frequently not having meals; or regularly wearing clothing insufficient for the weather. I find your post snowflake-y for that reason alone.

Obviously it's not great if your dc don't brush their teeth for a week. And, also obviously, you're going to make sure this doesn't happen again. But their teeth aren't going to fall out of their head due to this

But their teeth aren't going to fall out of their head due to this

Well actually with the issues one of the children has with their teeth, it could potentially cause serious damage. My friends little boy has the same issue. I would not be happy at all.

Personally I find it disgusting! When we go and stay with PIL (we live abroad) she always has toothbrushes and toothpaste for the kids, even though we take our own. And sharing brushes - that’s disgusting! Absolute best way to share germs and bacteria, mind. I wouldn’t send them again as they clearly can’t look after them properly.

That's is beyond disgusting and I absolutely would make it an issue. I wonder how many self respecting adults would be happy to go a full week without brushing their teeth? And the fact that they know one of the kids has dental issues that regularly requires treatment makes it even worse!

I would be having a proper chat with them about your expectations while they're in there care.

Photo is a screenshot from the nspcc website

it is awful (telling them to use their toothbrushes would gross me out) but I wouldn't say neglect - I mean it is neglect to me but for someone who doesn't really care about teeth it isn't and it wouldn't make many children feel neglected or unloved or anything bad. I think your dh might be right to not bother now and make sure he says it before the next trip.

I think given the issues with your children's teeth and your PIL's general lack of care about teeth brushing, I would say to your children that they need to skype or facetime or whatever - at least phone - during teethbrushing at night - is that possible?

are you seriously saying that a grandparent who didn't check in about teeth being brushed (one of the dc did brush) is guilty of medical neglect? Come on.

It was awful and needs to be dealt with for next time but the grandparents aren't actually rearing these children - they went for a week to their grandparents. Do you really think the NSPCC would classify this as medical neglect? They see children whose teeth are rotting in their head because they are given sugary drinks and never taught how to brush. They see children in pain from toothache because their parents can't/won't bring them to a dentist. Not a trio of kids who couldn't find their toothbrushes for a week while off with grandparents.

Do you really think the NSPCC would classify this as medical neglect?

I think you don't understand how serious it is on a child's teeth when they have weak tooth enamel, as described by the op. That's fair enough, I'd never heard of it until it happened to my friends child. But it is serious, and if they were aware of it, which op says they were, then it is neglect. Without a doubt.

It's not neglect. It really isn't. YABU. You say you could be projecting your general disenchantment with your IL's. Probably this.
Definitely raise it with them though, cause it's a bit gross. Does not require medical intervention cut contact no holidays ever again sanctions, just a chat - and maybe check in next time they go - call on day one and say 'hey, the kids toothbrushes are in the pocket, did ya find them? And please supervise them, as they are cheeky and will try and not do it!'

It is gross. Yes. It sounds as though the general level. care they’re giving is less than yours. However, you’ve had a week “off” of parenting and they’re a lot older than you and will likely have far less energy. I’m not sure what raising the issue will achieve given their reaction and I think pallisers suggestion of skypeing is an excellent idea.

It doesn’t sound as if the pils are going to modify their behaviour. So I would have thought it easier to get round as many of the issues you have as possible. Decide what red lines you wish to draw and what are deal breakers. My fears would be things like supervising during activities like swimming (this would be a no no) - even in the bath, safety in the car and what would happen if my kid started their period or had a wet dream? With a 10 yo the latter 2 aren’t so far away.

A bit more Skyping/FaceTime before they go (so PILS can see and hear how your routine works). Lots of background stuff from you- ‘sorry MIL, I’ll just get Kid 2 for you, Kid 1 has to brush teeth now.’

If it’s just that they’ve forgotten or a fairly innocent mistake (cos they’ve underestimated how busy having the kids is) then you’ve schooled them.

If it’s more lazy/malicious/neglectful then you get to bring it up during your skype catchups during the holiday. ‘Hey PIL, teeth-time, lets go!, you know the drill’.

Frankly the PIL need reminding that kids LOVE reporting back the things you hoped they wouldn’t- they have a real nose for dropping adults in it, don’t they? Use this by asking the kids direct questions during the Skype, that you know PILS can hear. ‘Ok, before we kiss goodnight, can I check everyone’s done what Granny asked and brushed teeth?’. Of course they’ll say ‘Oh, she never makes us do it’ or ‘I used Grandpa’s toothbrush’. Drop them right in it. That awkwardness will motivate them, surely?

Good luck, I’d be quite

Yes this is neglect and totally unacceptable.
Their breaths must smell and their little teeth must feel horrible and have food bits stuck all over them.
We are not taking about a day or two, this is a week .?
Maybe OP should ask a dentist if this is acceptable .

A week?! After one missed tooth brushing session my teeth feel gross. That’s neglect and it’s unacceptable. I’d definitely be saying something to PIL myself. your DH needs to grow a pair, surely he cares about his kids teeth?!
Especially as DC2 has a medical reason to maintain good oral hygiene... unbelievable.

Talking

Maybe OP should ask a dentist if this is acceptable.

Surely she doesn't need to do that? We all know that children not brushing their teeth for a week is unacceptable. The question is what do OP and her dh do in the future to make sure it doesn't happen again. Reporting the pils to the NSPCC is obviously a non-starter. Cutting off contact seems a bit excessive too. Coming up with a strategy where the kids can see their grandparents but still brush their teeth might be the way to go.

A bit late for concern now they are back, but if you send them there again for a week....

"The dc mentioned last time they didn't clean their teeth. Can you help them sort their brushes etc.

I'd ask dc daily when I speak to them if they have brushed and remind them.

If dd is at my parents only ever overnight anyway I always remind my dad to check her teeth cleaning anyway as I would at home.

Ds1 would do this regularly. I would beg the dentist to try and convince him to clean his teeth, but the dentist would just grin and say his teeth are in great shape. It did NOT help my arguments with my child. I really wanted some back up, but in all honesty, it wasn’t affecting his teeth at all, however grim they looked.
Dd2 has dental hypoplasia - for a lot of reasons we weren’t able to clean her back teeth well until she was about 7 (she has cerebral palsy and some severe oromotor difficulties). She had four titanium caps fitted under sedation which were brilliant. All are out now and her adult teeth are fine - no cavities at all.
Dentistry is a business like any other oral hygiene is important and a week is a bit gross, but it isn’t really that big of a deal. Just make sure you unpack their toothbrushes and put them in grandma’s bathroom next time, and remind them to use them. No harm done.

Subliminal reminders are the way to go.

5 yr old would enjoy treating Granny & Grandpa to loud renditions of goddamn earworm , surely?

Repeatedly. Throughout their entire summer stay with the in-laws.

You could get them all a toiletrie bag, easier to spot.

I agree with Pallisers.

Your 10 year old is old enough to remember that his or her toothbrush has been packed and to remember that the other DCs' toothbrushes and toothpaste are also packed.

When they are away this summer, call the DCs and talk to them about tooth brushing. You can call them at whatever time is bedtime. Face time them while they're in the bathroom and supervise long distance if you think they would lie.

Don't send them off without a lecture. They probably need to be reminded to wash hands after using the loo while you're at it.

OP your being a bit naïve and immature really. several children avoid brushing right under their parents "watchful eye" no harm will come from 7 days without even with the "weak enamel".
rather than not brush my grandchildren's teeth...yup you guessed it I've used mine and they have used my mint flavored stuff despite not liking it at home...they endured it with grandma.
when in dire straights I've used baking soda (sodium bicarbonate) and a face cloth...

Neglect is never taking your child to the dentist, even when they have dental pain.
Not this!