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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL telling ds age 3 not to cry

52 replies

Stephthegreat · 10/04/2018 21:50

Ds is 3 and will sometimes have a meltdown (over tiredness or noisy environments usually). He cries and at home we comfort him,hugs and try to calm him down.usually he’s ok after a few minutes.

MIL has been babysitting a few nights a week while I’m on a course and dh is at work.If ds cries she tells him that he’s a big boy and big boys don’t cry,put your tears in your pocket,etc.the idea seems to be that crying is bad and ds has started feeling bad about it.Yesterday he said to me before MIL came,it’s ok mummy I’m not going to cry this time.I said it’s ok to cry,everyone cries when they’re upset mummy does and so does daddy.

He becomes quite closed off before MIL arrives.ive talked to MIL about it and she is very old fashioned and quite brusque about.

AIBU here to think it’s a bit mean to tell a very young child not to cry?

OP posts:
bonzo77 · 10/04/2018 21:54

YANBU. my mum is like this a bit too. I caught her at it and told her off. It was my 5 year old. I said that he’s allowed to have feelings and he’s not got a better way of expressing them right now. So if you want him to stop then you’ve got to acknowledge how he’s feeling. As a child I was never allowed to express how I felt. It didn’t do me any good at all.

CampariSpritz · 10/04/2018 21:58

oh bless him. he is only 3. 3 year olds cry (often over really daft things). You aren’t being unreasonable & it is sad that he thinks he can’t cry around his gran.

sweetsweetlovin · 10/04/2018 21:58

My DS is three and sometimes can cry for the sake of crying if he's not getting his own way etc...and I've told him sternly to stop.

I think you're being a bit precious

JustHappy3 · 10/04/2018 21:59

I'd be fuming and think that's emotional abuse tbh.

BarbarianMum · 10/04/2018 21:59

It's very mean but it's very deeply rooted in our society that boys/men should show no negative emotions except anger. Maybe she'd prefer it if he punched someone when he's upset?

eggcellent · 10/04/2018 22:01

This reply has been deleted

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arethereanyleftatall · 10/04/2018 22:05

it depends.
Crying cos he's hurt/upset = fine
Crying to get own way = not fine (IMO by 3)

Dancingleopard · 10/04/2018 22:06

Dd2 cries all the time - she is five. Honestly is the mardest kid I know. But I let her have her outlet. It doesn’t last long and it’s a chance for a quick cuddle.

I’d just tell mil to let him get on with it.

user1488397844 · 10/04/2018 22:06

I have told my 4YO to stop crying before & I certainly don't emotionally abuse her. What a ridiculous thing to say!? It usually goes along the lines of:
"Come on baby girl dry your eyes, there's no need to cry we will fix it/find it"

But if she's misbehaving I will be more stern with her and may say:
"I'm not listening to you when you're screaming,go and calm down and I'll speak to you once you've stopped crying."

It works, she is fine& we adore one another.

Honestly if someone told me what I was allowed to say/not say when I was doing them a favour and babysitting I wouldn't be doing it again.

sweetsweetlovin · 10/04/2018 22:06

emotional abuse telling someone to stop crying? If I listened to my son some days crying over everything I would struggle to get him and myself out the door. I'm sorry but sometimes children need to be told enough is enough. Even if that's ranging "ah you're ok, come give me a hug and get those tears to stop" to "please stop crying. You are not getting a hot wheels track. There is no point crying because my mind is made up"

Ummmmgogo · 10/04/2018 22:08

yabu. 3 is getting to be a bit old for meltdowns so don't cry seems an appropriate thing to say to a male or female child.

parrotonmyshoulder · 10/04/2018 22:09

I asked my mum before my DC were born not to say this, as it was a very common phrase from her and I am still terrible at expressing emotions! She has really tried hard with it.
DMIL on the other hand, produces a biscuit or chocolate the moment anyone cries and says ‘stop crying, have this...’. Drives me crazy but she means well. We don’t see her often.

nightshade · 10/04/2018 22:10

Sometimes kids get into a habit of crying and just get used to doing it in certain situations...my niece used to regularly do it when leaving mu house...almost like her way of saying goodbye...it just turned into a fiasco each time she left with everyone comforting hugging and buying into it...

After a few times of firmly setting the boundaries and teaching her how to say goodbye it was a much more pleasant situation all round especially for her...

Nothing wrong with a bit of teaching self control...

Itsnotmesothere · 10/04/2018 22:12

YANBU. All children should be allowed to express their feelings. I heard the same sentiments directed towards a little boy at playgroup. Perhaps this why is suicide is so shockingly common in men

Jupiter15 · 10/04/2018 22:12

YANBU he’s only 3 and it’s especially important to let boys know they can cry otherwise they might end up finding it hard to let their emotions out when they are older.

Ebony69 · 10/04/2018 22:14

I'd be fuming and think that's emotional abuse tbh.. FGS. How ridiculous.

bryheresse · 10/04/2018 22:16

It's not abuse per se, but it's certainly reinforcing norms of toxic masculinity.

Just make sure your ds understands that he should never be ashamed of expressing emotion, and have a proper conversation with your mil about this.

reallyanotherone · 10/04/2018 22:19

You’re all missing the point.

Distraction or talking them out of crying, fine. Telling them to stop in certain circumstances, fine.

It’s the linking to gender. The “big boys don’t cry” attitude. Telling him he can’t cry at all, because he’s male. That he must hide his feelings.

I was always told not to cry as a child, and forced to suppress my feelings. That morphed into “moody” as i had no way to express why i was feeling sad or down. It’s really hard not to have an outlet or feel you have to be happy and sociable all tge time or people won’t like you....

Ohyesiam · 10/04/2018 22:19

Tell her not toConfused

QueenB14 · 10/04/2018 22:21

Think it depends on the cry...genuine upset cry for genuine reason yanbu

Crocodile tears because he wanted the red cup and not the blue cup despite the fact he asked for the blue cup yabu

My 3 year old could cry for England (mostly for silly things like the cup example). I do sometimes do the whole "ok that's enough now dry your tears you're ok" thing when its been half an hour and I can't hear myself think and she cant even remember what she's crying for but I'm not totally heartless I know they need to just get it out of their systems sometimes.

As a kid I got "shut up before I give you something to cry for" Confused Nice....

MammaTJ · 10/04/2018 22:21

I'm not one for saying pay for childcare if you are not happy with free Grandparent care, but I really do think you need to in this instance, for your sons future mental health! Bonzo77 perfectly evidences this!

Snausage · 10/04/2018 22:22

Emotional abuse?! What rot.

My 3 year old DS will sometimes going in to meltdown or throw a tantrum over ridiculous things/when he doesn't get his own way and he gets short shrift from me on these occasions. It's different if he is hurt or unwell or sad, but otherwise he is told to sit quietly and take deep breaths until it has passed.

AjasLipstick · 10/04/2018 22:26

Really OP didn't say anything like "Boys don't cry" but BIG boys don't cry.

Which is also said to girls.

I agree with those saying you're precious. He's small yes, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't begin to learn how to control himself.

it's the ideal age to help a child to learn that crying isn't always necessary.

Sometimes we can't help it....but other times, it's indulgent.

My DD had a friend...note the HAD....who would cry at the drop of a hat and often. They were 9!

Her parents never said anything to help her to pull herself together...they lathered sympathy on her....comforting as though she were a toddler....they'd simply never grown out of the habit and it made the child unpopular because EVERY time things didn't go her way, she cried.

windchimesabotage · 10/04/2018 22:26

Can you get her to say something more constructive than 'dont cry'?
Like 'how do you feel?' 'do you want to tell me what is making you so sad?'
or 'I know you must feel very sad that mummy is leaving but you get to spend time with me and we can do some fun things!'

There are ways to try and discourage a child from crying without giving the impression that crying is wrong or making light of their emotions.
Perhaps just give her some tips about other things she could say?
Her attitude is shit I agree with you. Its really not helpful to just tell a child that young not to cry.

nuttyknitter · 10/04/2018 22:26

How sad that so many people feel it's fine to shut a child down when they're crying in temper, or to get their own way. Those feelings are just as valid in young children as crying when they're hurt and should be acknowledged and talked through. No wonder so many adults, especially men, can't deal with their emotions.

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