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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL telling ds age 3 not to cry

52 replies

Stephthegreat · 10/04/2018 21:50

Ds is 3 and will sometimes have a meltdown (over tiredness or noisy environments usually). He cries and at home we comfort him,hugs and try to calm him down.usually he’s ok after a few minutes.

MIL has been babysitting a few nights a week while I’m on a course and dh is at work.If ds cries she tells him that he’s a big boy and big boys don’t cry,put your tears in your pocket,etc.the idea seems to be that crying is bad and ds has started feeling bad about it.Yesterday he said to me before MIL came,it’s ok mummy I’m not going to cry this time.I said it’s ok to cry,everyone cries when they’re upset mummy does and so does daddy.

He becomes quite closed off before MIL arrives.ive talked to MIL about it and she is very old fashioned and quite brusque about.

AIBU here to think it’s a bit mean to tell a very young child not to cry?

OP posts:
DontMakeMeShushYou · 10/04/2018 22:28

It’s the linking to gender. The “big boys don’t cry” attitude. Telling him he can’t cry at all, because he’s male. That he must hide his feelings.

Absolutely this.

newtlover · 10/04/2018 22:31

big boys don't cry=emotional abuse
sorry, you can't have the blue cup, this one's fine, no need for such a big fuss=not emotional abuse

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/04/2018 22:33

Emotional abuse?really have a word with yourself before you inappropriately use terms
Emotional abuse isn’t a loved secure boy who’s gran has some old fashioned ideas
The impact of emotional abuse is devastating and affects development,and behaviour. It doesn’t arise from a misplaced comment. Really

Dahlietta · 10/04/2018 22:34

3 is getting to be a bit old for meltdowns

Are you kidding?! DS1 sailed through his terrible twos - 'piece of cake', I thought, what is everyone on about? When he turned three, he turned (temporarily) into a demon.

But yes, I agree that linking it to his being a boy is the problem here.

Alpineflowers · 10/04/2018 22:34

I'm a grandmother of young children of a similar age, and for what it's worth YANBU.

QueenB14 · 10/04/2018 22:36

I don't think anyone is shutting their kids down, its more of an encouragement to stop the tears, calm down and move on to something happier. I don't mind a little outburst but my DD can be crying about losing a toy or something long after I've found it. In these cases I do say "come on silly sausage, lets blow your nose and play your game" etc I don't think its sad or cruel

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 10/04/2018 22:39

Hmmm. My 3 year old DS is a semi-professional crier, and I often tell him to dry up. It all depends on the context - if he is hurt or upset I will of course comfort him, but if he is just crying because he hasn't got his own way, I want him to learn better ways to handle that.

Original poster
Stephthegreat · 10/04/2018 22:39

Dh has a sense a lot of problems expressing his emotions and he has only in the last few years cried in front of me.MIL has an odd way of dealing with feelings,just to blank them and refuses to acknowledge them.

I think surely not telling a child to cry is telling them there’s something wrong them?I can tell ds feels ashamed to cry now and really there should be no shame,surely?

OP posts:
Ummmmgogo · 10/04/2018 22:42

there is a lot of shame in having a meltdown because someone gave you the cup you asked for!!! she's done you a favour. he'll still cry sometimes he's 3 don't worry x

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/04/2018 22:44

Try have a word with mil,or your dh if she listen to him
Gently explain you don’t want your son feeling bad about crying
Gran can support & talk through any reason causing him to cry,not chastise

AjasLipstick · 10/04/2018 22:44

Steph in all likelihood your DS will be fine because you sound very sensitive....and as you say your DH has worked through his shut down emotions...it's a child's parents who have the most effect on them.

Icecreamlover63 · 10/04/2018 22:48

I think you are lucky she is looking after him. Things were different in her days of bringing up children. I would just explain to her that if he is crying because he has hurt himself then ok. However if he is showing off she is right. Bless him and her its very difficult looking after grandchildren you just don't have the energy you had 30 years earlier. Be kind to her she probably means well.
x

lattewith3shotsplease · 10/04/2018 23:02

OP,
Your MIL must be about 70+ to have this mentality,or be very uncaring.

Boys must be allowed to cry and show their feelings.

I recently told a friend off for telling her 6 year old Son to "stop crying and man up" . She later admitted she was wrong to say this to him.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 10/04/2018 23:17

YANBU. I would definitely address this with MIL and ask her not to say that to DS in future. Those calling it "emotional abuse" are being completely OTT though. I spend a great deal of my time sat in Child Protection conferences and Strategy Meetings discussing children who are actually being emotionally abused and believe me, this does not even come close.

Original poster
Stephthegreat · 10/04/2018 23:23

MIL is nearly 60,she does fun activities with ds but I’ve noticed he doesn’t want her to come over any more.He seems a bit scared of ger,she’s stricter than me & dh though so that might be why.And that she doesn’t like him crying.

Some of the stuff she’s said to him is a bit odd in general.DS told her I was buying him a toy he’s always wanted for his birthday (ds originally wanted a very expensive toy that was really more for an older child & I told him that the other version would be better for him). MIL then leant across the table and said to ds in a patronising voice ‘well it costs a lot more money for X toy than the one you’re getting’. I thought is she just very tactless?

SIL has a little ds who is hearing impaired and waiting for hearing aids.At a family party I was talking to him & playing with him.MIzl said ‘you’ll have to excuse him he’s deaf’.

She’s a strange one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stephthegreat · 10/04/2018 23:25

Sorry I mean MIL not Mlzl

OP posts:
Ummmmgogo · 10/04/2018 23:52

he doesn't want her to come because he associates that with you leaving. she told him the gift he wanted was expensive because it was. she warned you about the deaf nephew because she wanted you to make allowances for him. the examples you are giving don't sound bad at all, it might be the way you are retelling them if you are getting a bad vibe though x

lattewith3shotsplease · 11/04/2018 00:11

OP,
I'm a GM and my GS loves coming over, and loves to stay overnight with me.

I'm firm with him, but in a very loving/caring way.

I'm a very similar age to your MIL.
If my DGS didn't want to spend time with "someone" alarm bells would be ringing

lattewith3shotsplease · 11/04/2018 00:17

@Icecreamlover63 the GM is nearly 60 not 106........different in her days,no,she's a heartless Cow.

starzig · 11/04/2018 00:17

Whether it is right or wrong is a matter of opinion but if you are not happy with her way of looking after him maybe it is best to get another babysitter.

sweetsweetlovin · 11/04/2018 00:29

How sad that so many people feel it's fine to shut a child down when they're crying in temper, or to get their own way. Those feelings are just as valid in young children as crying when they're hurt and should be acknowledged and talked through. No wonder so many adults, especially men, can't deal with their emotions

I couldn't disagree more. I think allowing children to cry because they're not getting their own way is creating a generation of adults who struggle when things don't go their way. Saying "No, now please stop crying." isn't shutting down their emotions. It's creating an expectation that things will not always go your way and you won't always hear the word "yes"

My DM is a retired school teacher and she despaired in her later years of the increasing amount of children who demanded things go their way and parents who supported this blindly.

BackforGood · 11/04/2018 00:36

I hate it when people like JustHappy3 completely trivialise something awful like emotional abuse. What the OP described is merely a different way of parenting from the OP's own style. there is nothing abusive about it.

I too think you are being a bit precious.

Of course we don't know the reason he cries each time, but if he is going through a phase of crying for no reason / crying to get his own way / crying for attention or as a distraction from having to do something he doesn't want, then the MiL is pretty sensible to remind him that big children don't cry when there isn't a reason to.

However, if you want someone to look after your child o a regular basis, you can't be dictating which terms they are / aren't allowed to use - unless it were something really offensive of course, in which case I doubt you'd leave your child with them. You either trust her or you don't.

5plusMeAndHim · 11/04/2018 00:36

It’s the linking to gender. The “big boys don’t cry” attitude. Telling him he can’t cry at all, because he’s male. That he must hide his feelings

No 'big girl's don't cry 'is equally used. .

so many people feel it's fine to shut a child down when they're crying in temper, or to get their own way. Those feelings are just as valid in young children as crying when they're hurt and should be acknowledged and talked through.

I beg to differ, crying because you can't get your own way is not as acceptable in our society.You need to learn self control.

AjasLipstick · 11/04/2018 00:50

I am with you 5Plus adults should be able to distinguish between genuinely upset/hurt crying and tantrums to get their own way crying....and to react correctly.

I give short shrift to whinging, crying out of not getting what they want or crying because they've been told not to do something.

Crying because of a fall or because some other child has been mean etc...well I would comfort then.

ittakes2 · 11/04/2018 05:36

My son is very sensitivite and I regret telling him at that age to stop crying (although I never linked it to being a boy) because now if he cries he always tries and stops himself - even when he broke his arm - and it very sad so I’m now telling him it’s ok to cry!
I go on a lot of the free parenting courses and they recommend rather than telling a child to stop a certain behaviour that you instead tell them what to do instead ie for example instead of saying stop crying - say ok I can see you are upset - take a deep breath and calm down. Kids need to be taught the tools to help manage their emotions and develop some resilence to the problems they encounter.