To want to sell this house!

[Seaviewsunshine]

So we bought a house 18 months ago. A big lovely house in a dream village, primarily so our DS could start school where we wanted him to be. But to do that we had to max out everything (huge mortgage and use all our savings) and now we’re struggling to afford it and have very little disposable income. A few factors in play here, DH diagnosed with a chronic illness after being poorly for a couple of years meant I had to step down my job and I now hardly earn anything, a complete house renovation which we hadn’t planned on doing, naivity that we could live on nothing and somehow be happy! Our marriage is suffering as my poor DH is going all the house renovations whilst working full time and we have 2 small kids (DS 4 & DD 2) who are busy!! We have no money for anything fun and the smallest expense is a worry. Do we stick it out and hope things get better?! Or downsize considerably and hope that alleviates the pressure. Realistically this would mean relocating DS school, making some big concessions on the location/features of house and for me to find a new job.

Thank you for all the suggestions. I’ll look into the lodger idea and some work options.

Have you considered the workaway scheme? I know three people who have worked with them and it was very mutually beneficial! They had carpenters, electricians, all sorts- one bloke came and laid an entire parquet floor!

Plus you get to meet some interesting people, but it's not a 'forever' situation if you don't completely hit it off:

www.workaway.info

I'd keep the house but not bother with any renovations. Live in a hovvle while the kids are small and when they get bigger you can smarten it up. You don't need loads of money to give the kids a good time. Parks/ fresh air/cooking/TV / family/friends (if you have some nice ones) etc. If your not earning loads anyway could you rethink what job you could have to reduce stress? Get a lodger? Lots of stuff you can do to get a bit of extra income.

If it helps we made a conscious decision for a smaller house than we could afford and haven't regretted it at all. We've had the money to do everything exactly how we wanted, new kitchen, new bathroom and the rooms all re plastered and decorated. We also have spare money at the end of the month and a small mortgage, we're putting money into savings/pension and can splash out on treats. For context we picked a 3 bed town house style house over a semi or detached with much bigger gardens.
I know everyone's circumstances are different but you absolutely can be happy without oodles of space

I would say Work out financially if downsizing would benefit. And see what is available to buy in the local area. We live in quite a small house and would like to move but we’d be jumping from 350k to at least 475k. Which makes me nervous as we only have one income.

I would say try and weather the storm until hopefully your income moves above your outgoings ( probably a few years) Cut back on DIY and use the time for some cheap family activities such parks and beaches with a picnic. I have been in a similar position but some years later things have worked out . Good Luck

We did the big house thing in a great area, lived there for 10 years, spent all our savings renovating, then I became ill and was off work for two long periods. We downsized a couple of miles away, I got well and able to work again and life has changed immensely - we can now afford family holidays, great hobbies, occasional meals out, etc. I do miss the space of the old place but making good family memories and doing what we like outshines having a big house. Good luck, OP .

There must have been a reason you stretched I’ve got friends who made a conscious decision to go with a smaller house to have more options re lifestyle because that was what was important to them. We were the opposite and stretched for the bigger house as that’s what was important to us. We’ve had discussions about what we’d do if things got really tight and we think we’d do anything possible to stay in as the costs of erc, stamp duty etc don’t seem worth it. But that is a hypothetical for us and living for years with no money will get you down.

You’re only 18 months away from the youngest starting school so the challenges of childcare for small people will go soon and hopefully you’ll find it easier to choose different/better paid work. If you can pause the renovations you might all feel happier.

Tbh, it sounds a little ridiculous that what is compounding the situation is that your DH is ill, but he is the one working full time and doing everything. Could your kids go to nursery and you work more meaning he drops a day or so? Or find a less pressured job?

Otherwise I would question whether moving plus the associated costs would save you much, unless you have massively exceeded the cost of other suitable properties.

When was he diagnosed? Before or after purchase?

I would literally do what needs to be done to be safe, and then nothing. Just live and rest. Decor etc can wait.

I still cant understand the response to your dh being ill is to give him sole responsibility for earning all the money and doing all the diy. Seems entirely heartless

Tbh I would also suggest learning some DIY skills.

Stop renovating. Only do what is necessary and urgent. Then take time out, reduce the pressure on everybody. Soon enough kids will be at school and while Im not convinced that ups your earning potential much, it does mean days out will never be the same again.

Do you have any life or Critical illness cover ?

"A big lovely house in a dream village"

Do you have a spare room you could airb&b?

You need to do a proper financial plan with several what if? scenarios.
Get the house valued. What will it cost to move? What would downsized mortgage be?
Could you increase the term of the mortgage to reduce payments for now?
If you went to work full time, what would your take home be? What will it be when your kids go to school.
Write it down and forecast for next 3 years. Then decide.

Could you get a full time job and your dh be at home? Do the dc get any free hours at nursery? Then he could crack on with the DIY whilst they are out.

I would also just say that i knew a person at my dds pre school. She had a 3 year old and a baby. Had over extended themselves house wise and spoke about nothing else. I met her randomly 7 years later and she told me they had never had a holiday, had a lodger and basically she still worried constantly (not enough to work herself). All for an aspirational house.

Is all the renovation work really necessary right now? Could you just live with it until the children are older? I know a few families who did that... lived with a semi renovated house with unpainted walls etc for years as life was hectic and they just decided it wasn't worth the stress. The money issue will still be there but at least your dh won't be working constantly.

Lots of sympathy here OP, as I have been in a similar position. If you can sell, I would. It’s unlikely to end with the renovations unfortunately, a big house needs constant attention, you will never stop fixing it, it becomes your hobby and your life if you aren’t careful. Well done for recognising this early.

Get the bathrooms and kitchen shipshape and get rid.

I would stick it out. When your kids are big lumps of teenager you will glad of the space. It is stressful moving and your dh's health is also a worry. But it will get easier. Good luck whatever you decide

If it's carpentry, plumbing, and electrical wiring your dh is doing, it sounds more like you bought a shell than a house, OP! Surely that heavier, more skilled work will be over with soon and you can start taking over with the more manageable decorating/light diy tasks?

I had a great book when I was little - I wish I could remember the title, but it had marvellous large pages and full colour illustrations. It was about a snail who kept upsizing his shell. He started with a normal sized one, but kept adding bits and pieces that were more and more ornate, until his shell was so big that he couldn't move and was being crushed by the weight, to the point that he felt very dissatisfied and unhappy. I've often thought that the middle classes would benefit from the book more than children do!

I think the answer here really depends on how precarious the situation really is, both emotionally and financially. If you're so tight for money that the marriage is collapsing under the strain and a slight accident would see you go under, sell it, sell it, sell it. Nothing is worth that stress. People on Mumsnet often make out like owning a big house is the be-and-end-all and worth sacrificing just about anything for, but at the end of the day it's just a pile of bricks and mortar. Being happy and able to do the things you love in life is more important.

I found it! It's The Biggest House in the World by Leo Lionni.

Seaview - sell up and downsize. It will be far more relaxing, no worries about bills and extra money available. You can't put a price on good mental health. Enjoy your life, don't be stressed and miserable unnecessarily.

Another thing to think about is could you ask any of your parents or siblings for financial help, just for 18 months till your youngest is in nursery.