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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so unlikable - why and how do I change?

71 replies

EatWorms · 10/04/2018 20:30

I do have friends that I’ve known since school, through work/baby groups and they like me (I hope anyway!)
But I’m noticing how unpopular I am with others- at my last workplace I wasn’t exactly well liked, and now as a sahm I’m not included in lots of the get together a/play dates etc even though I know a lot of the parents.
I easily make acquaintances but they often cool once some gets to know me more - I must be doing something wrong?!
I’m chatty, friendly, not too keen, my friends say kind but I doing something to put people off.
What makes someone become unlikeable?
Probably not a aibu but knew you’d give it to me straight here

OP posts:

PepperSteaks · 10/04/2018 20:34

I’m the same unfortunately. No close friends, just people I work with or went to uni with and always left out of meet ups!

PistFump · 10/04/2018 20:35

I'm the same. I have barrier issues and find myself pushing people away, including my MIL, I know I'm doing it, and feel pretty guilty for it, but I just can't stop!!

Onceuponatimethen · 10/04/2018 20:38

Some of us just aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, but doesn’t mean we aren’t likeable!

I read once that some of the most common reasons for pushing others away are negativity, being critical, or being draining (overly needy/extreme)

Onceuponatimethen · 10/04/2018 20:38

Posted too soon / I meant to say I’m sure you aren’t any of those!

TerfsUp · 10/04/2018 20:41

I don't have an answer, OP, but I do sympathise. In my case, I think that part - not all! - of the issue is that I have autism.

picklemepopcorn · 10/04/2018 20:41

There are a lot of us! I think there is a group type of person, who fits in with others, and a individual type of person who just doesn't. I'm very individual, I gel with a few people, but can't find any kind of click with most people. I get on ok with them, but there just isn't a click.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 10/04/2018 20:41

I've met lots of people I like and seem perfectly pleasant but just don't fully click with them , this maybe because my sense of humour is different , different upbringings / social background , interests in common. I wouldn't worry about it much as I don't think it's personal , sometimes you click with people and sometimes you don't .

The workplace can be brutal and sometimes a group of people will bitch about one person just to pass the time and make sure they remain in the social "in group". Shit but that's humans for you. You sound nice and willing to make the effort , I'd just go with the flow of things and not worry about being included in the play dates / mums meet. They may have know each other before or live closer , number of reasons really Xx

Findingdotty · 10/04/2018 20:41

Hard to say without knowing you but I have an acquaintance who is a lovely lady, kind, friendly, chatty. But she is too chatty and she doesn’t know it to the point that she has sadly become too much and she doesn’t get invited to things. She has stood (no exaggeration) on my own and a few friends door steps for over an hour dragging out a goodbye conversation. It isn’t encouraged but she just can’t work out when to leave and doesn’t actually leave even when asked to do so politely by myself and my DH. She happily talking away but it is pretty much a monologue. We have tried suggesting and hinting and asking her to leave on time but she doesn’t with or without her DC with her.
Just thought I’d mention it in case you could be doing similar without realising.

OldBandTeeShirt · 10/04/2018 20:42

It mightn’t be anything you’re doing. It might be that you’re just not a good fit with the people you met at your last workplace, and the people you meet through your children. For instance, despite having lots of old friends (now scattered across the world), I didn’t like anyone at all in my NCT group in London — and the feeling was mutual — and then hit an equal social zero at the local baby/toddler groups when we moved out of London to this village. It was lonely and quite grim.

Then I went back to work in a new job, though in a not very sociable department (am an academic), but made a couple of goodish friendships over time, and more recently met someone I gelled with immediately in another department, and he’s now one of my closest friends. I can’t imagine a time when I didn’t know him. To put it bluntly, the people I meet via academia are a far better match for me than people with whom the only thing I have in common is a child of the same age.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 10/04/2018 20:42

I was pondering this the other day. I know a fair few people now after a year of real effort, moving to a new area with a newborn. So I am always bumping into people on the high street which is nice, but can never make proper friends with them? I wish I could. I think I’m an interesting person. I am a good listener. I’ve noticed people don’t tend to ask questions about me so I just end up finding out all about them because I don’t want to be all like ‘oh yeah, me too, me me me’ or ‘I’ve done that/been there’ etc because that’s dickish. Nowadays I find a lot of people just wait to talk. So I don’t think the fault is entirely mine but there are definitely people who manage to make loads of great friendships so I don’t know what they’re doing and I’m not!

Ohyesiam · 10/04/2018 20:46

I think unless you are nasty, or boast a lot, or shit stir, or play power games , then you are not unlikable.
You might not be popular, but that is often about charisma.

user1488397844 · 10/04/2018 20:46

I find this, I was bullied in secondary school by people who pretended to be my friends and as an adult I now think it's affected me more than I realised at the time. I'm now very defensive, and just not a warm person. I find it easy to cut people off without a second thought and I'm currently struggling with work and my boss not liking me. It doesn't affect me on a day to day basis but obviously makes my life harder. I also take things to heart although I would never show it & can come across as cold hearted. I can be abrupt and always speak up if I think something is unfair and this seems to be a bad trait. I wish I wasn't like this but I can't change it.

Nat6999 · 10/04/2018 20:49

EatWorms I know how you feel, I can honestly say that I haven't ever had any long lasting friendship. I'm in the process of being assessed for ASD(Aspergers) I'm hoping that this will give me the answer that I'm not this awful person I think I am.

newexperiences · 10/04/2018 20:50

OP, don't change, just worry about it less. I absolutely identify with what you're saying, and used to worry about it a lot, especially at uni, but much less so now. I'd describe myself as socially anxious, and I think that makes some people uncomfortable, but I have a small number of friends around who I feel more relaxed, so I stick with them for the most part. I also prefer to see my friends 1 at a time rather than in a group because I find it hard to join in group conversation - I never seem to get the timing right for jumping into the conversation - it's a skill I just never mastered. I don't go out socially as much as everyone else seems to, but that's mostly because I don't take the lead on organising nights out - I wait to be invited instead. So if I felt the need to change I think that's where I'd start.

Apricotjamsndwich · 10/04/2018 20:50

Yeah the monologue thing is bad. One of my neighbours is very kind and through one interesting chat in 10 years I found out she's had a really interesting life so I'd like to be more friendly but mostly she just goes on and on and on and on about nonsense and I start to panic about when I can get away...so I avoid her now. But there might not be anything 'wrong' with you.Sometimes you just don't find people you click with.

IMBU · 10/04/2018 20:51

You're not alone. I feel like I've inadvertently put my foot in it with some mum friends recently and have probably come across as a cow. I didn't mean too it's just that at times I can be a bit socially awkward and over think things, not know the right things to say. I also don't feel like I am particularly liked at work. I'm feeling particularly stressed and down about it tonight to be honest. I could have done with some quiet time to gather my thoughts after s busy day at work but husband has finished work late tonight so have just had to feed and get the children ready for bed without any help. Sorry for hijacking your thread I just needed a rant.

FluffyWuffy100 · 10/04/2018 20:53

If you think about how hard it is to find a good partner, I think it’s the same with friends. It’s hard to find people you click with.

fabulousfrumpyfeet · 10/04/2018 20:53

I think sometimes it can be circumstances rather than anything particular about you. I know a few people who I like but tend to keep.at a distance, and generally they are quite negative people, or tend to need too much from me in terms of phoning/texting and I don't really feel able to meet their needs.

obviouslymarvellous · 10/04/2018 20:53

User i am like you - I have a very toxic mother who abused me mentally physically and verbally and my guard is always up. People seem to think I'm the bad one because I don't have contact with my family (without even knowing the reasons why) I am not a woman's woman at all and I do like my own company however I do wish that I could fit in a bit more and be invited out occasionally

halfwitpicker · 10/04/2018 20:54

Agree about the excessive talking.

Was on the train this morning and two women got on: one of them utterly dominated the conversation, she was like a fucking radio! If I'd have been the friend I'd have got off early and walked.

Not saying you're like that op.

Monkeypuzzle32 · 10/04/2018 20:54

do you engage with them properly, by that I mean actually ask them about whats going on in their lives etc? I am much better at it now, but I think I never used to be so good at it-for example at work I wouldn't chat too much as I'd be conscious of getting my work done and it took me a long time to realise that you have to build up social niceties in some jobs to smooth the way to get things done-not to say I didn't know anyone or have friends but sometimes you have to do these things with people who aren't necessarily your obvious choice in friends IYSWIM?
Maybe they don't dislike you but equally don't feel drawn to you because of this?

VladmirsPoutine · 10/04/2018 20:57

You sound rather pleasant. I don't think you need to 'change', as it were. I have a lot of acquaintances but I could count my actual friends on one hand.

True friendships tend to develop and grow naturally. For the main part all you can and should do is just be respectful and mindful of others. No need to bend yourself out of shape in a misguided attempt to win friends. It's just not worth it.

GoofyBollox · 10/04/2018 20:58

I haven't read all the replies but just an idea... maybe you could try seeing some of the people you hope to get along with away from the children? I find having kids are a good way to meet mums at groups/school etc but when you are trying to establish a friendship with another adult sometimes it's nice be without the kids. Less distractions and all the refereeing or trying to respond to the child in the 'right' way. Maybe find a mum or two that you think you'd get on with and suggest a coffee or ever better wine aren't all the best friendships cemented by alcohol. Or if it's playmates that you want to be included, maybe you could organise one yourself, see if this helps with future invites.
Don't be too hard on yourself and try not to take it too personally!

sparklewater · 10/04/2018 20:58

I'm the same. Was out for my first ever mum outing recently (after 5 yrs of school) and one of them actually said "you're really shy aren't you" She was a bit pissed, it wasn't meant nastily at all

I'm not really but I'm terrible at small talk and happy with my own company so I can see why it looks like that!

snowboardingqueen · 10/04/2018 20:59

I think you may be surprised how many people feel the same. The ‘popular’ people you come across often put in huge efforts with friendships, do lots of inviting, contacting etc and will get knocked back plenty of times but they just move on and carry on making efforts with the people who do respond. Lots of us feel like outsiders and find it difficult to move past the acquaintance stage but we just keep on keeping on!

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