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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so unlikable - why and how do I change?

71 replies

EatWorms · 10/04/2018 20:30

I do have friends that I’ve known since school, through work/baby groups and they like me (I hope anyway!)
But I’m noticing how unpopular I am with others- at my last workplace I wasn’t exactly well liked, and now as a sahm I’m not included in lots of the get together a/play dates etc even though I know a lot of the parents.
I easily make acquaintances but they often cool once some gets to know me more - I must be doing something wrong?!
I’m chatty, friendly, not too keen, my friends say kind but I doing something to put people off.
What makes someone become unlikeable?
Probably not a aibu but knew you’d give it to me straight here

OP posts:
CharityShopGuru · 10/04/2018 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyNameIsNotSteven · 10/04/2018 22:04

I'm like this, but the groups I don't fit I into seem kind of vacuous anyway. I have a small circle of separate friends and I quite like it that way. I do sometimes feel a bit jealous of my very popular friend but frankly I don't have that much energy to invest in endless acquaintances.

stuckinagut · 10/04/2018 22:05

Whenever I start to feel a bit like this I always ask - "well, when was the last time I picked up the phone/texted a friend/asked someone for coffee?" - I usually find that I have been waiting for other people to take the initiative, rather than organizing it myself. I usually find that people who seem "popular" are usually those who are willing to be proactive in maintaining friendships (or massaging egos!), and do far more than I would to keep in touch with people.

Maybe you come across as liking your own space and company? I read somewhere years ago that half of why people like us is their perception that we like them :)

MojoMoon · 10/04/2018 22:09

Getting to know people alongside an activity (that isn't small children when you need to be on mum mode) can be good.
So volunteering, a sporting club, something where you are interacting but there is a clear goal and purpose to give you something to discuss.

And while you don't want to invite people for an intimate dinner the moment you meet them, you do need to invite them to things and not wait to be invited. Sometimes they will say no or not reply. That's fine. You didn't fail. More people will say yes than no.

I work pretty hard to maintaining friendships and this has been commented on (positively!) by friends. I don't feel I am naturally "attractive" to other people (I had friends and school but was definitely not popular) but am cheery, make an effort and organise social things which probably helps keep friendships going and mean people invite me to things in return

Mrsmadevans · 10/04/2018 22:16

OP do you accidentally overstay your welcome? Only l have some lovely family and friends who do this and it really puts you off them coming .

Mrsmadevans · 10/04/2018 22:17

Also do you always go to 'theirs' and not have them around to 'yours'?

Original poster
EatWorms · 10/04/2018 22:20

I do a lot of the invites for things.
I think I could come across as ‘fake’ unintentionally as I do talk to everyone especially at the school just because I know a lot (through pta etc) so wonder if that’s putting people off

OP posts:
mancmummy1414 · 10/04/2018 22:27

I have an acquaintance (school gate mum) who complains about having no friends and at first thought ‘oh that’s a shame, I will befriend her’ but then she became really full on (think liking every Facebook picture when she adds someone new, calling everyone ‘hun’ in EVERY sentence, picking up people’s children after she’d met them once, inviting herself round to peoples houses that she barely knew, asking other mums to babysit her DC before she established a friendship etc)
I try and keep my distance now but am pleasant enough when I see her around. She has no idea that any of this behaviour is inappropriate though.

Titsywoo · 10/04/2018 22:33

Most people don't like me either. I have a group of good friends - most of whom I have known for 20 years or more. I come across as a bit unfriendly or standoffish I think. I hate small talk and if I don't have anything to say I stay silent. People don't like that! But i don't feel comfortable changing so I figure people can take me or leave me.

Cornishclio · 10/04/2018 22:47

When you say you are chatty, do you listen too? Some people I know just chat on for hours, unless interrupted, and don't seem to notice anyone else or engage with them. That infuriates me and I tend to keep my distance. Conversation should be two way or more. Otherwise it is just a bore going on for hours and expecting others to listen. Not saying that is you OP but I know people like that.

Tinkobell · 10/04/2018 22:57

I'm a bit of a lazy shite who rarely gets off her bum to take the initiative....I know that's lame and pathetic, but hey!

Scelestus · 10/04/2018 23:29

I’m another one who has lots of acquaintances, but few close friends. I’m shy, and socially inept, so ooo a fine catch. This thread has made me realise I’m not the only one who feels socially clumsy; thank you.

A pp made a good point about tribes. I have acquaintances with whom I’m friendslite because we have X in common. Sometimes the only X is our children are in the same class, or we work for the same company, and we have that chirpy ‘friendship’ in that circumstance, but not outside it. Does that make sense? I’m not sure I’m explaining it. Mentally it’s Venn diagrams if that helps!

So if you have children in the same class, that’s one link. If you both enjoy baking, that’s two. The more links you have, the more likely you are to be friends, right? Not always. Sometimes you need to ‘click’ too.

I hope it gives you some comfort to know that you’re not alone! Maybe some of your acquaintances feel like that too.

Saracen · 11/04/2018 00:45

You say you do have some friends with whom you go way back and that they like you. Maybe they could answer your question? If they themselves haven't noticed anything in your manner which might be off-putting, perhaps they have heard others mention things?

There are so many possibilities. I don't suppose that we could guess what it might be since we don't know you.

Original poster
EatWorms · 11/04/2018 07:45

scelestus your post was so helpful thank you - I think that’s what’s missing with some of the school mums we sometimes only have the fact are dc are in the same class and that’s it.
I do ask questions and try to be a good listener but I probably need to work on the listening without interrupting (I get a bit excited and then interject into conversations sometimes!)

OP posts:
Onceuponatimethen · 11/04/2018 08:01

Eat, I interrrupt too Blush

OneStepSideways · 11/04/2018 08:48

Are you good at conversation? I wasn't but I practiced. It's like any other skill.

Listen to the other person intently, don't interrupt. Ask questions about how they feel/what happened next. Listen to the answer. Focus on them. Lead the conversation forward either with a new question or divulge something about yourself that relates to it.

Let people help you. It's proven that people feel friendlier towards you when they do you a favour, even if it's just 'do you have a spare nappy?'

Some of the things that put me off new people:

  • Being overfamiliar eg complimenting excessively or hugging/kissing when you've only met a couple of times or asking very intimate questions (it throws me and I freeze)
  • Not asking questions or not taking turns to lead the conversation forward.
  • Being too honest about things that don't matter eg openly contradicting or disagreeing in front of others.
  • Talking about yourself too much. I have a friend whose eyes glaze over as soon as the conversation moves away from her.
Vangoghsear · 11/04/2018 09:00

From my observations:

  1. Smile a lot and make eye contact
  2. Ask a lot of questions about the person you are talking to and show interest in their answers so they keep going
  3. Make positive comments about other person's appearance, achievements, DC's achievements etc
  4. Avoid judgemental comments of any sort, just make empathetic noises, smile and nod
  5. If you are lucky the other person might eventually ask something about you.......
  6. Have a vaguely entertaining anecdote to tell about something you have done/has happened to you in case 5. does happen
  7. Try not to be oversensitive - it's not that you're unlikeable, more likely people are just busy.
user1497863568 · 11/04/2018 23:09

I'm the same. I had some good indirect feedback from someone I was participating in a workshop with. I had just spent our lunch hour with her. Anyway, one of the workshop questions was 'what are some barriers to communication'? She said someone who doesn't really listen but is only thinking of what they are going to say next. I am pretty sure she was talking about me and the truth hurts but it's given me a lot to think about.

Mrsbird311 · 11/04/2018 23:22

It’s not you, sometimes you gust don’t fit in with a certain group! I’m really popular, can chat to anyone, always invited to stuff but at my sons primary school I just didn’t fit in, the other mums wanted nothing to do with me, literally would turn away if they saw me approaching, never did work it out, we moved away and the next school had no problem at all!!! You seem nice, just keep being friendly and yourself, you will find your tribe!!

UrgentScurryfunge · 11/04/2018 23:30

I can find it difficult to find a point to add my contribution to a conversation. Other people seem to manage to take turns, but I can never seem to interject naturally with something still relevant and without talking over someone else. My hearing isn't great and I can struggle to process speech, particularly over background noise which could be a factor in that.

I'm independent and comfortable in my own company. I don't know if that sometimes comes across as aloof.

My closest friendships have been formed over shared hobbies and they tend to endure.

It's fairly easy to have lifestyle friends (colleagues). True soul friends that endure changes of lifestyle are much rarer.

LeighaJ · 12/04/2018 06:39

"What makes someone become unlikeable?"

The qualities I've noticed put people off the most are whining/complainers, rudeness, being nosy, critical people, hypocrites, bragging, being too competitive, telling lots of lame jokes, people who talk at you rather than with you, not showing genuine interest in others and their lives, talking constantly about your children/baby and not much else. Also smoking, while not a personality trait it does put lots of people off.

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