To be so unlikable - why and how do I change?

[EatWorms]

I do have friends that I’ve known since school, through work/baby groups and they like me (I hope anyway!)
But I’m noticing how unpopular I am with others- at my last workplace I wasn’t exactly well liked, and now as a sahm I’m not included in lots of the get together a/play dates etc even though I know a lot of the parents.
I easily make acquaintances but they often cool once some gets to know me more - I must be doing something wrong?!
I’m chatty, friendly, not too keen, my friends say kind but I doing something to put people off.
What makes someone become unlikeable?
Probably not a aibu but knew you’d give it to me straight here

I doubt this is your case OP but there’s a lady at work who is perfectly nice, sociable, chatty, but isn’t generally well-liked...I was thinking about it lately, and I came to the conclusion that although she says all the right things, it just comes across a little fake...very subtle, but just not sincere.

Made me think that people’s opinions of you can be influenced by really small factors...and I bet if anyone actually told her that, she wouldn’t recognise herself in that description at all!!

If you want to analyse yourself thoroughly i suggest you take a Myers-Briggs personality test if you haven't done one before. I found it helped me to understand myself a lot better and it can help you realise how your personality might be better suited to particular situations.

www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

A lot of it is about meeting your tribe. I have had times in my life where I’ve felt lonely but atm ive moves somewhere where people are like me and we’ve clicked - so if you have an activity you like then maybe you can find your tribe through that.

mokneypuzzle I was going to say the same.

I work with a girl who only really talks about herself, she's quite spoiled too. She also hasn't helped herself by rushing to the boss about things she's struggling with regarding other colleagues. Instead of 'talking' to her workmates and asking for advice/support she goes moaning to the boss to complain. Of course it gets back to everyone else and straight away it gets people's backs up.

She's also a bit of a hypochondriac - and always seems to have some ailment.

The other mistake people make is not sharing things about themselves. Obviously you don't want to over share, but sharing things is crucial.

I think having young children does affect your relationships with other people.i have a lot of people to chat to and see around but very few I’d actually meet up with for lunch or coffee.Its definitely the time issue and tiredness of having a young ds and trying to juggle things.

I think unless you have a particularly strong connection with someone it tends to be just a chance meet up that I have with many people.It doesn’t mean they’re not likeable or I’m not likeable, it’s just there’s little time to form friendships.

When I think of all the friends I had in my late teens and twenties I look back and realise how much time I had on my hands!

If it bothers you not to be included then be ruthlessly honest about yourself. Did you (honestly!) do any of these things with people who have cooled towards you:

-boasted about yourself or your kids in any way
-moaned or complained about something
-gossiped or bitched about someone
-had a complete sense of humour failure
-dominated conversation way too much, about subjects no one is particularly interested in
-(I am sure very unlikely) been racist, homophobic or otherwise horrid

These are the things that put me off new people I meet...otherwise Happy Days!

I'm like this too. I get on with people fine, but never manage to get past this stage to make any real friends.

My issues are (I think)

I tend to have a bit of a barrier up.
I find it easy to cut people off.
I enjoy my own company.
I'm socially awkward.
I find it stressful to make friends, invite people places/ trying to make conversation.
I don't drink (people don't like this).

So as you can see I'm a right catch, who's up for a meet up

DH likes me though and DS(3) tells me every day that I'm his bestfriend, so not all bad

I think as you get older you get more "fussy" (not quite the right word) about friendships and not as willing to invest time with people that you don't completely click with. I know loads of people, get on well with them but wouldn't really consider them friends or necessarily seek out their company or they mine. There is nothing wrong with them or me, it's just lack of time and inclination I guess. Some people are just more naturally sociable I suppose.

Are you a very quiet person? When I was younger I was very quiet and I tended to be overlooked on a lot of occassions.

Elelfrance that's interesting as I suspect I come across like that.

I have ASD and I am quite conscious in how I interact in order to try and see normal and not mess up. I think I probably come across as fake too, and possibly odd.

Also a lot of charismatic, popular people are not necessarily all that nice.

OP - I think actually being and coming across as someone who is just comfortable in their own skin is what makes someone likeable - to the right people of course. If you lack self confidence and come across as being ill at ease with yourself, this makes it hard for others to like you.

Get a pen and paper, write down all of the positive things that you perceive about yourself and what others have told you in the past.....there's must be plenty ....e.g. I'm a good listener, I'm trustworthy & discreet, I enjoy a laugh, I compliment others .....this kind of stuff. Read them back to yourself, think of real life examples.
I think you are having a crisis of confidence and possibly need to rationalise things more. Accept, I am what I am....and there's plenty to like!!!

Sorry you're experiencing this OP. It is hard.

I have cooled from mums I've met at playgroups for following reasons:

• one kept giving me her life story and always complaining about her DH. It got very dull very quickly

• another was lovely but we communicated completely differently. I'm quite extrovert and she very introvert. I couldn't handle the silences and got the impression she couldn't handle my chatter either. I introduced her to some of my more introverted friends and they got on really well.

• I can't deal with anyone that seems clingy. Too many texts would drive me away quite quickly.

All of these show that the issues are with ME, not the other people.

It's really hard to make friends, especially as we get older

There was some sort of survey done on popularity which found that the most influential factor was, not social skills, or listening ability, or agreeableness, but...money. If you're rich, everyone wants to be your friend. I find this deeply cynical but it takes the pressure off in other ways.

@Max, maybe we work together 😂 More seriously though, making an effort like you do might come across a bit odd, but probably not insincere
You’re right about popularity and niceness too...you definitely don’t have to be “nice” to be well liked

Do you arrange meet ups yourself or leave it to the others?

If you never initiate meetings then they probably think that a) you're not that bothered about it and b) you're not going to be top of the list for invites.

I'd start inviting one or two others round for coffee or to the local softplay or whatever. See what response you get on that?

I was unpopular in one department, I used to eat out to have a break from group, changed departments, same me, same job but new department loves me openly say so and show it. Sometimes it's nothing to do with you but random other stuff, sometimes it's just your perception and you could be over thinking over sensitive to a situation. If you have the nerve ask someone blunt for so honest feedback

It's diffciult to say without knowing you personally, but maybe have a look at these areas - you can be either of the extremes

1. what are your hobbies and interests, are you into nothing (which is very difficult when there is nothing you can talk about except the weather) or intensely pursue a specific interest that you can't stop talking about?
2. are you showing too much vulnerability and overshare? Or are you just too perfect and not share anything negative or vulnerable about yourself?
3. are you too aloof and wait for the others to make plans and move things forward? Or are you too clingy and won't get the message that they are not interested.

How much asking do you do OP?

The most popular people I know all put a lot of effort into asking people to come along. From that they get lots more reciprocal invites. I have found this myself - if I want to meet up more with people I have to do lots more asking (and keep going despite rejections). It's never an even two-way street.

I'm not suggesting this is the only way people ever build friendship groups, or that sometimes groups don't just seem to leave some people out, or that so long as you start asking people you'll automatically get on well with them. I'm just saying if you want to be more social the key is normally to be more outgoing and to keep being more outgoing.

I think the increasing busy-ness (?business) off life has a lot to answer for in this.

I know for myself, I end up turning down people with friendly interest, not because there's anything wrong with them at all, but just because I'm a natural loner with only a couple vacancies for close friends, if that.

I think a lot of people kind of wait for people they really click with (ie. mutual chemistry), which is nothing to do really with who you are, it's just as random as sexual chemistry.

However, having said that, I think these things are incredibly important in garnering true like/respect from people:

1. being as completely honest/sincere as possible

2. both sharing of yourself and receiving, try and aim for 60/40 conversation subject, in the favour of the other person! (ie. they have 60% of the talking time), most people tend to underestimate how much we talk about ourselves

3. Respond to their cues - ie. they seem hesitant/nervous/guarded, then back off and take it cool, they seem enthusiastic and friendly, keep slowly ramping it up, ever watching for more cues

4. Be cheerful, talk about happy things, positive thoughts, at the very least more than anything negative (in order to mix this with sincerity, you genuinely have to be a positive person)

5. Be interested - remember their name, what they do, the basics of their family, remember recent news ie. family sickness, holiday etc. Make it obvious that you remember these things and gently get to know more.

6. Care - cards for appropriate occasions, a quick pop in to ask how they are (if work colleague for example), small gifts on appropriate occasions (ie. bring in cake for everyone on your birthday). Be happy to see them.

I have social communication difficulties, so these insights have been hard-won, but I'm now at the point where I at least get lots of friendly interest, so feel like the initial steps are accurate. Don't ask me where to go from there though!

I'm similar, never had loads of friends and find it tough to make new ones. I struggle in social situations unless alcohol is involved, absolutely loath toddler groups and having to take my kids to parties (not at the age where I can leave them and bog off home). I much prefer one on one conversations to groups as I find that people talk over me when I do pluck up the courage to say something. What is it with people always talking over me? Drives me nuts.

I think unless you are nasty, or boast a lot, or shit stir, or play power games , then you are not unlikable.
You might not be popular, but that is often about charisma.

Sadly, I think a lot (not all!) of 'popular' people are as you describe in your first paragraph...!

There's a lot to be said for just having a few close friends.

Oh yeah, and the unpleasant "popular" people/groups.

My personal observation is that these seem to be more about power plays, often involve damaged people (ie. a 'Queen Bee' surrounded by enablers or co-dependents), or are otherwise more like a business transaction - ie. money/influence networking.

Very different from a group that affectionately enjoys each other's company and both contributes generously and takes from it in turn (love/joy/support).

Two very different dynamics, but both can look "popular" from the outside.

All my life I haven't been very popular or part of the Alpha group. I am nearly 60 now and can look back. I had a best friend at nursery (lost touch aged 11). At school, at College, from a few jobs, three former bosses, a neighbour, the school gate.

All those friendships have endured. They may have waxed and waned but they are true.

I also have DH. On the whole I am v good at superficial relationships though.

Might you be trying too hard?

Seems mean to say, but I am quickly put off by people who try to make me a friend before we know each other. Casual, friendly small-talk is the way to go, sometimes for months, while you get to know somebody. When people I barely know start oversharing or inviting me to their house for wine and a film night the third time we meet, I run for the hills!