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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep our pregnancy news secret from the in-laws?

63 replies

PoodleDoodleCaboodle · 10/04/2018 13:51

Hi all, really needing some insight into this situation:

My in-laws of 3 years are bone fide narcissists. They're controlling of everyone and have treated me like dirt ever since I married their only son- who they also mistreat. In the early days of marriage, I went over and beyond what I should've done to win them over and contact them when they were blanking me, etc. and eventually their rejection, lies and rudeness (eg. refusing to use my name and referring to me as 'her' 'she' 'it', spreading rumours about me, not telling us when someone in the extended family had got married, been born, had died, telling my husband to watch himself around me as I was out to ruin him and other horrid, horrid stuff) got so bad that I decided to go NC with them all- my PILs, SILs, etc. The only contact I still have with them is at family events, such as weddings, where after a verrrry brief and polite greeting, me and DH will sit separately and do our own thing while they sit and glare at me. My DH will call his mum every so often and go over to visit them all. DH knows what they're like and has got used to their abuse but is good at taking what he needs- a shared history and that feeling of belonging he gets- from them and ignoring their rubbish. He's been wonderful in supporting me against their abuse though and I can't fault him.

Anyway, we've recently found out we're expecting our first baby and are over the moon. Although we've shared the news with friends and work colleagues, I'm reluctant to share the news with the in laws. They don't like me and want nothing to do with me and have made that very clear. I feel they have nothing of value to add to my/our life and don't want our kids to be exposed to any of their negativity. My mum died when I was 10, my dad was a violent and abusive man, I was severely mistreated by my siblings (they new I was vulnerable and took advantage of me in their own ways) so I know what it feels like to be lost and confused child. I've had years of counselling and have tried very hard to prioritise my mental health and well-being and don't want the in laws to use our children to get back at me- despite what my husband says, they WILL try to do this. My husband is really upset though and wants to tell his parents as he thinks we'll be sabotaging any opportunity for us to make up in the future (not that I will). He also thinks that if we wait to tell them once the baby is here, they'll kick up a bigger stink but I don't care. I was/am kept in the dark about lots of events in their family and they think that's okay so why should I share our news to appease them?! Friends also think IBU as they feel news of grandchildren will melt their hearts and I shouldn't keep this news from them.

Please don't hold back and tell me as it is- AIBU or should I stick to my guns?

FWIW, I have started sharing the news with some of my siblings- it's taken us years but we're now at the stage where we try to be neutral and pleasant with one another. It's all superficial but at least they show an interest and pretend to care!

OP posts:
PinkAvocado · 10/04/2018 13:53

He should be able to tell his parents if he wants to but they have no right to know just because they’re his parents.

GrandTheftWalrus · 10/04/2018 13:54

I wouldn't tell them.

You'll probably find they'll be all nicey nice with the baby and still ignore you. Or worse when dc is older trying to play them off against you.

Catspaws · 10/04/2018 13:55

It sounds like you've had a really rough time with them! But big congrats on your baby news ☺️

I think it's worth trying to work out if keeping it secret will make things worse. It might just give them ammunition to say that you're awful and are taking their son from them etc.

If that's a likelihood then it would be easier to tell them, but agree with your husband first what the ground rules are so that they can't use it as an excuse to manipulate you. Make sure he will support you in deciding how much access you want to allow them and how much involvement there will be etc.

Good luck, I wish the best for you!

Bluelady · 10/04/2018 13:56

What Pink said.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/04/2018 13:57

First of all, congratulations. Flowers

But unless you're planning on hiding for the 6 months after you start showing, you may as well tell them and get it done.

Or are you planning on hiding the child as well!?

I appreciate they sound utterly vile, but they will find out at some point anyway, and if you haven't been up front with them, they'll just use it as another stick to beat you with.

windchimesabotage · 10/04/2018 14:01

I think whilst the baby is inside your body then your wishes should be adhered to regarding who gets told. The most important thing here is that you and the baby are kept healthy so if you think it would cause you distress to have them know then dont allow him to tell them.
After the baby is born however I think realistically you may have to let him tell them and give them a chance to see the child. Im not talking straight after the birth but at some point, as clearly it is important to your partner who after all is the childs father.
I dont think you are under any obligation to see them at all ever if you dont want to... but maybe just give your DH the chance to let them see the baby with him on a short visit. I mean they very well may act like utter twats about it and try and be controlling so in the end you may all have to go completely NC again... but I think if your partner wants to have a go at giving them a chance to see the baby then you should facilitate that. If they fuck it up then at least you can look your DH in the face and say that you let him have a go and clearly they are not able to act like reasonable people.

RatherBeRiding · 10/04/2018 14:01

Stick to your guns. They have proved time and time again that they are not nice, reasonable people - just the opposite.

They will NOT miraculously turn into wonderful, caring grandparents because people like that will always be like that.

Friends who think you are being unreasonable probably have no experience of this kind of family dysfunction and so cannot comprehend the sort of abuse you've had.

Your DH can tell them what he likes, when he likes, but you are under no obligation to tell them anything.

Your DH's comments about them "kicking up a bigger stink" if they are not kept in the loop would suggest he is still in some way afraid of them and wants to not rock the boat. But he shouldn't be doing so at your expense.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/04/2018 14:03

News of a grandchild will NOT necessarily melt their hearts. You've done nothing to deserve their appalling treatment of you and you're the one who is pregnant, you deserve your husband to listen to what you need to protect your mental health at this point and respect your wishes.

I would let no child of mind anywhere near people will slag me off and sully my name, my husband respects this, and his right to try and create a relationship between his child and his parents doesn't override your right to stay healthy and safe during your pregnancy, or confident in the future that your child is safe and not being abused by hearing its mum's name trashed.

Have you read Toxic Inlaws?

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You need to put yourself first, it's worth putting your foot down hard with your husband now or his support might waver under pressure from them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/04/2018 14:03

What @RatherBeRiding said so well.

Pinkvoid · 10/04/2018 14:06

They will undoubtedly find out at some stage. I don’t know if your DH has them on social media at all, or if he’s even on social media but there will be someone with links to them that finds out and tells them. I honestly think it will cause you more issues in the long run not telling them than doing it. I would let DH tell them and just tell him to keep you out of it, tell him you don’t wish to know their reactions unless pleasant.

mrsmuddlepies · 10/04/2018 14:07

What do you mead by 'bona fide narcissists'? Have they had a formal diagnosis? Or do you mean that you think they are horrible people?

antiAlias · 10/04/2018 14:09

Surely as someone qualified to diagnose narcissism you have a good idea of how to handle this situation?

Appuskidu · 10/04/2018 14:11

If you husband wants to tell them, I think he should be able to tell them.

Original poster
PoodleDoodleCaboodle · 10/04/2018 14:17

Thanks all. I really appreciate your comments. So as not to drip-feed, I'm considered a 'high-risk' pregnancy and am under the care of several consultants. It is very important I look after myself- mentally and physically.

Also, I should've said: I'm not planning on keeping news of baby hidden once it is born. It's just while I'm expecting. I don't want a horrible comment made to my husband find its way back to me and spoil things for me. We have a family wedding coming up on the in laws side- I'm beginning to show a little. If they see me and realise I'm expecting, fine. I just don't want one of us to tell them. Is that silly?

Also, to those wanting to derail the thread: I'm a qualified professional with a title who specialises in mental health. I wouldn't use the term narcissists lightly if I didn't have reason to suspect that actually were narcissists. But, to give you what you're probably looking for: I have not personally assessed and diagnosed them.

OP posts:
Mamabear4180 · 10/04/2018 14:28

Congratulations! YANBU- don't tell them. You sound like you don't need anymore negativity and pregnancy is a hormonal highly emotional time.

Mamabear4180 · 10/04/2018 14:29

Also you keep justifying yourself but there's really no need! They sound like total arseholes.

WhaleTasting · 10/04/2018 14:32

You owe them nothing. Let dh know that if he tells them it is between him and them. You aren't going to start speaking to them. If he knows that it might be even more awkward if he tells them he might not choose to. That said, it is your pregnancy so if you really don't want them to know before the baby is here that's your right too.

If you decide to let them know then you must lie about your due date as well as I can smell a thousand threas about them insisting on being at the birth or showing up at the hospital etc

bakingdemon · 10/04/2018 14:33

I agree with @Pinkvoid - telling them means you take control of how and when they find out. You need to talk to your DH now and decide whether you want them to see the baby at all once it's born. Sounds like you're keen that they don't, but then you need to make sure that DH and you are united so they don't wheedle round you to see the baby when you're not around or ask DH to bring the baby to see them.

WhaleTasting · 10/04/2018 14:34

Yes your "due date" shuld be at least 3 weeks after your actual due date

bonnyshide · 10/04/2018 14:37

As you are NC with them but your DH is still in touch, then just leave it up to him to tell them whatever he wants. This doesn't mean you need to see them or speak to them.

diddl · 10/04/2018 14:37

"we'll be sabotaging any opportunity for us to make up in the future "

Sounds as if they don't care for him & there's no reason to think that him becoming a father will change that.

He's in for a fall if that's what he's hoping.

Part of me thinks that as you have told who you want to then there's no reason he shouldn't.

But likely he's telling the from fear/obligation & their reaction won't be what he wants.

" I don't want a horrible comment made to my husband find its way back to me "

Then tell him that if he tells them you are not interested in what they say & if he needs help dealing with it then to get some & not rely on you.

lattewith3shotsplease · 10/04/2018 14:38

OP,
Do you need to have any contact with them at all ?

Can't your Husband attend his family gatherings alone?

You married your Husband not his family.

As for calling you "it " Shock

Good luck with the pregnancy. Flowers

Mydoghatesthebath · 10/04/2018 14:38

What RatherBeRiding said.

And lie about the due date or be very vague. You keep your non contact

Tara336 · 10/04/2018 14:39

They sound awful people. I’m not sure you having a baby will change their behaviour towards you and I’d certainly review whether your baby has contact with them in the future, but wouldn’t make any snap decisions right now.

However, as awful as they are, your husband is keen to tell them and should be able too, it doesn’t mean your NC stance has to change.

Take the higher ground, let your husband tell his family his exciting news (congratulations!) and therefore give them no ammunition.

SandyY2K · 10/04/2018 14:40

I can see why you don't want to tell them. Would your DH consider waiting till the wedding and they can see you?

If they suddenly become nice to you... I don't think I could engage with them.

I also don't understand how people remain in contact with their family members who are horrible to their spouses. Well done to those who stay in such marriages...I just couldn't.... because (while he/she maintains a relationship with their parents) you end up with your child having a grandparent/s who hate you. Not a good situation to bring kids into.

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