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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep our pregnancy news secret from the in-laws?

63 replies

PoodleDoodleCaboodle · 10/04/2018 13:51

Hi all, really needing some insight into this situation:

My in-laws of 3 years are bone fide narcissists. They're controlling of everyone and have treated me like dirt ever since I married their only son- who they also mistreat. In the early days of marriage, I went over and beyond what I should've done to win them over and contact them when they were blanking me, etc. and eventually their rejection, lies and rudeness (eg. refusing to use my name and referring to me as 'her' 'she' 'it', spreading rumours about me, not telling us when someone in the extended family had got married, been born, had died, telling my husband to watch himself around me as I was out to ruin him and other horrid, horrid stuff) got so bad that I decided to go NC with them all- my PILs, SILs, etc. The only contact I still have with them is at family events, such as weddings, where after a verrrry brief and polite greeting, me and DH will sit separately and do our own thing while they sit and glare at me. My DH will call his mum every so often and go over to visit them all. DH knows what they're like and has got used to their abuse but is good at taking what he needs- a shared history and that feeling of belonging he gets- from them and ignoring their rubbish. He's been wonderful in supporting me against their abuse though and I can't fault him.

Anyway, we've recently found out we're expecting our first baby and are over the moon. Although we've shared the news with friends and work colleagues, I'm reluctant to share the news with the in laws. They don't like me and want nothing to do with me and have made that very clear. I feel they have nothing of value to add to my/our life and don't want our kids to be exposed to any of their negativity. My mum died when I was 10, my dad was a violent and abusive man, I was severely mistreated by my siblings (they new I was vulnerable and took advantage of me in their own ways) so I know what it feels like to be lost and confused child. I've had years of counselling and have tried very hard to prioritise my mental health and well-being and don't want the in laws to use our children to get back at me- despite what my husband says, they WILL try to do this. My husband is really upset though and wants to tell his parents as he thinks we'll be sabotaging any opportunity for us to make up in the future (not that I will). He also thinks that if we wait to tell them once the baby is here, they'll kick up a bigger stink but I don't care. I was/am kept in the dark about lots of events in their family and they think that's okay so why should I share our news to appease them?! Friends also think IBU as they feel news of grandchildren will melt their hearts and I shouldn't keep this news from them.

Please don't hold back and tell me as it is- AIBU or should I stick to my guns?

FWIW, I have started sharing the news with some of my siblings- it's taken us years but we're now at the stage where we try to be neutral and pleasant with one another. It's all superficial but at least they show an interest and pretend to care!

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 10/04/2018 14:42

Congratulations on your news!Star
I think I would feel the same as you,but,because my dh had been so brilliant at supporting me over the years when they had been horrid,I'd want to find a compromise with him.
Can you sit down with him and work something out that you are both happy with op?

Allthewaves · 10/04/2018 14:45

I'd let your husband tell them if thats what he wants - it's his baby too. Your nc so.it's really between your husband and them.

Are people not going to think its utterly bizarre if you don't tell pil and then go to a family event obviously pregnant.

TheCrystalChandelier · 10/04/2018 14:52

I wouldn’t tell them necessarily.

But I am always intrigued when a poster comes on to tell how they have bad relationships with everyone else (you have talked about the relationship with your ILs and also the fact that you haven’t spoken to your siblings for years,) and how everyone else is nasty to them and they are entirely blameless. I do wonder then what the other side of the story is.

OhCalamity · 10/04/2018 14:58

DP was so excited when we were expecting. He was not expecting the family narc to use this lovely life changing news of his to make a nasty dig. He thought I was wrong for suggesting that it would be too good an opportunity for them to miss getting a dig in and bursting our happy bubble. I was right unfortunately.

So I would say to him it's up to him to tell them but warn him beforehand that this is a golden opportunity for them say something nasty to try to deflate his happy bubble.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 10/04/2018 15:03

OP, you don't have to tell them but you can't ban your DH from telling them. It's his baby too and they're his parents. You say he's always been good at sticking up for you so he obviously isn't doing it to be mean to you. He has managed to maintain a relationship of sorts with them and knows what they are like so it's his call when to tell them.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/04/2018 15:08

My husband is really upset though and wants to tell his parents as he thinks we'll be sabotaging any opportunity for us to make up in the future (not that I will).

no.

My priority right now would be making clear to my DH that they will not get the chance to poison your child's life. There will be no contact. You know what they are, they've proved that countless times.

Tinkobell · 10/04/2018 15:10

Act like the bigger person. As Michelle O once said "when they go low, we go high" - let your DH tell them, but expect nothing from it. When the baby's born you both need to carefully consider what if any role you want these people to have in your children's lives....you are the parents.

Original poster
PoodleDoodleCaboodle · 10/04/2018 15:10

DH has himself had counselling and discussed at length what affect growing up in his family has had on him. He has been very upset in the past and it has taken him a long time to get to the stage he is at now with his family. He remains hopeful though that things will improve and that all I need is faith too. But, having experienced my own family and then his, I'm too long in the tooth to be naive in thinking everything will be okay. We've both acknowledged that if anything happens to us, we can't rely on anyone. We both need to be strong to support ourselves and each other. I think he's expecting miracles when he tells his family but I can imagine him being crushed by their nonchalant reaction when they eventually find out. I suppose I'm being selfish in that, I don't want DH being upset and in turn upsetting me because I know he's hurt. If that makes any sense.

I agree with others who have said we need a plan going forward re: our child(ren)'s contact with them. But before that, what to do when they find out about our pregnancy and how to deal with the aftermath.

OP posts:
JustForThisFred · 10/04/2018 15:17

You need to have a really good talk with your DH about all of this.

You’re pregnant (congratulations 💐), whether you tell them now or not is going to be the least of your issues. It’s too late now, but you should have discussed all of this before getting pregnant.

I’ve had nasty, nasty inlaws as well, truly vile. They are a huge part of why he’s an ex. Like your DH he supported my low contact but still saw them. There’s no way I’d have allowed any child of mine to see them, which is a large part of why he & I didn’t have children together and why we didn’t stay together.

Your DH seems under some illusion that in the future you’ll all play happy families. How? His parents aren’t going to wake up one morning with complete personality changes...so is he expecting you to just ignore their nasty behaviour? Does he think you having a baby is going to make them nice people? How?

FirstTimeRound984 · 10/04/2018 15:18

First of all congrats! I agree with what others have said, Let you DH tell them if he wants to but you don't have to be there or know their reactions to the news. If they are willing to try and mend a few bridges before the baby's born, I would give them a chance - from a distance i.e over the phone - but don't feel in any way you must do anything you're uncomfortable with, they have made your life so difficult and in your position I wouldn't forgive and forget so easily but if they want any part of their grandchild's life they having a lot of making up with you to do first, it may take longer than the pregnancy for you to accept and potentially move forward, they will have to deal with it. If they think its unfair, they only have them selves to blame.

Ickyockycocky · 10/04/2018 15:20

They aren’t your husband’s in-laws.

JustForThisFred · 10/04/2018 15:24

Sorry, I cross posted with you.

Your DH is not accepting of the fact that miracles don’t happen, people don’t have personality transplants.

...he remains hopeful? Of what? That he will wake up one morning and it will all have been a nightmare, that they hadn’t actually treat you as they already have. He needs to understand it’s way the point at which you’d ever have a good relationship with them. The damage has already been done, it’s irreversible.

...have faith? In what exactly?

He’s deep in denial...and you need to shake him out of it.

.

diddl · 10/04/2018 15:31

I wonder why either of you have anything to do with your relatives tbh.

EasterRobin · 10/04/2018 15:45

I'm glad I'm not the only person whose first thought was to lie about the due date. If you do tell them, please do say you are due later than you are, so they aren't too nosy around the actual time.

High risk pregnancies are different to normal pregnancies as to when you feel ready to tell people you're not close to. There's no rush at all. Maybe you can agree to compromise with your DH and tell them at 7-8 months.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/04/2018 15:46

They aren’t your husband’s in-laws.

Wow. What a helpful contribution.

windchimesabotage · 10/04/2018 16:34

Agree with PP as well!! If he or you do tell them then DO NOT give them the actual due date... give a later one so that there is no risk of them turning up at your house or the hospital. That could be very traumatic for you.

PrinceButthole · 10/04/2018 16:42

You can also give false info about the hospital. And as a high risk pregnancy you do have the right to wait until you feel really sure. If something goes wrong or if you need extra support for any reason, will they turn it against you?

PinkCalluna · 10/04/2018 17:10

You are making this into a much bigger deal than it needs to be.

If they find out after the baby is born it will be a massive deal.
Your babies birth will be overshadowed by your DH’s guilt, their inevitable hurt and consequent bad behaviour.

Similarly if they find out without their son telling them.

I understand that you want to feel in control and that’s reasonable but this is not where to draw the line in the sand.

Keep your powder dry, keep the moral high ground and let him tell them.

Then your baby’s birth is purely a happy joyous event. It’s only about the three of you.

Draw your line in the sand around whatever level of contact with the child you feel is appropriate.

TeasndToast · 10/04/2018 17:41

They would need to have hearts in order to melt them.

They don’t. Fuck em. Keep quiet.

Congratulations Flowers

Budsbeginingspringinsite · 10/04/2018 17:53

Chandelier, everyone has different perspectives and it's perfectly possible that two people each with difficult families find each other and share empathy.

The family of the robber who was killed have left an shrine calling him a wondeful man.

Pablo escobar mother washed crying after his death that he's wasn't as bad as everyone made out he was a wondeful man who built houses for the poor Confused...

Budsbeginingspringinsite · 10/04/2018 17:55

pink many new features mothers have had the birth totally ruined by nasty in laws.... Who show no respect for boundaries, or the new mother. They have massive sense of entitlement to to children. Walk over anyone to get to them.

GrumbleBumble · 10/04/2018 18:03

How likely are they to hear it from someone else? They are very likely to turn it on you, slating you if they hear from someone else. Do you your DH want to tell other family that will be at the forthcoming wedding? If you do I would ensure they know in advance of that so they can't cause a scene. I would want it stressed that they are told you and DH are having a baby not they are having a grandchild.

LeighaJ · 10/04/2018 18:06

"Friends also think IBU as they feel news of grandchildren will melt their hearts"

What hearts?

Not sure how far along you are but I think your husband could at least wait to tell them until after the anomaly scan. But it's not very reasonable to not want him to tell them period, even if they sound horrible.

OnTheRise · 10/04/2018 18:06

I would tell them, but not yet. Wait until you're more than half way through your pregnancy and then be very vague about your due date, so that you get a couple of weeks of peace with your new baby before you have to start dealing with your parents in law.

And expect them to kick off when you tell them you're expecting, and once your baby is born. They're going to cause trouble if they can.

SauvB123 · 10/04/2018 18:08

I wouldn’t if I were you. I have had awful issues with intrusive MIL wanting to visit (in hospital and stay at ours) immediately after the birth, both against my wishes. She didn’t respect boundaries or a quick 30 min visit after birth, just wanted to spend all the time she could holding my (exclusively breastfed) baby. I was very vulnerable both times due to traumatic births and having someone who I know hates me and says spiteful things about me hold my precious newborns and coo at them was awful, especially as I didn’t have the physical capability just to pick them up and walk away! Maybe consider getting some back up people to support you after the birth should the in laws want to visit (paid doula, your close friends etc).

Congrats on the baby news! Try and put them out of your mind and enjoy your pregnancy and take care of yourself!

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