In admitting defeat and wanting to give up

[ICantCopeAnymore]

I can't cope any more. I've NC for this.

I'm disabled and have had to give up my career so am now on PIP max for both elements. DH works full time but earns minimum wage so we are really struggling to pay bills, buy food etc.

He does everything, cooks, laundry, school runs etc. He is also very ill with a few things and bad spinal issues but he battles on.

I also have mental health problems. The state of the house is making my physically sick. We have a fair few pets from before I got ill, and can't keep the house clean enough.

I try my best, I really do, but I can't do big things like hoover, mop etc. DH comes in from work, cooks, washes up, does laundry and is exhausted after he's washed me and got me and DD ready for bed.

My furniture is shredded and stained, the kitchen walls are muddy and peeling, the floor is always muddy because of the dogs, as our back garden is a mud pit from hell, there is a layer of hair over everything despite hoovering daily, there's mould in the upstairs wardrobes, everywhere needs decorating and updating and I'm absolutely dreading the summer as we can no longer cut the grass.

There is literally no help. Social services have installed a bath lift. That's it. There are no options with the council as they don't do help in our area. There are no local charities. We can't afford to eat let alone pay a cleaner or gardener.

I've gone from an intelligent, successful career woman with an idyllic life, to a wailing, fat, disabled mess who lives in bed in a stinking hovel.

I literally don't know what to do any more

Would rehoming the pets be an option?
It would reduce the workload and costs considerably.

Have you any friends or family who could be asked to help do a big clean up as a one off to get you straight again?

:( It sounds like you're having a really tough time. But there are things you can do to improve the situation, no matter how small.

The first thing, sadly, would be to rehome some or all of your pets. You don't have the ability to care for them any more. Once they're rehomed your house will be less difficult to deal with.

The second thing would be to choose one corner of the house, literally 1 metre square space, and set yourself the task of making that very small space as clean and tidy as you possibly can make it. Get free paint samples and touch up dirty walls, clean cobwebs, wipe any surfaces and just make it the best you can make it. Look on gumtree or your local FB pages to see if there's any free furniture you could put in that space - a seat for you, a plant pot, anything you can focus on that is nice, clean, pleasing. Complete that task to the best of your ability.

Then see if you can extend that space a bit, even if it's only a few centimetres. If you can't do it that day, leave it, it's fine, it'll be there tomorrow. But with enough days you could get the whole house done, and it's enough work to keep you occupied for a good long while with a fantastic outcome at the end.

You can do this.

No, one of the dogs is old and infirm and it would confuse him massively. He absolutely dotes on the younger one too. The cats are no bother, just the hair but not much different to if we didn't have them due to the dogs.

Unfortunately, we don't have any relatives and little friends. The friends we do have live away and have their own lives and problems. We're more or less on our own completely.

My job took up any spare time I had, and we had an extremely poor social life as a result, so probably why the lack of friends. Any remaining friends dropped me when I became disabled and stopped being able to do things without the hassle of a wheelchair.

That sounds awful for you all. What animals do you have?

Thank you spaghetti - that's a nice idea. I might start with my bedroom, as I spend most of my time laid up in bed. I can't get downstairs a lot of the time. I won't be able to paint, but I can think about improvements.

Ihatebuildabear - two small dogs and two cats.

Sorry to hear this op, I really do sympathise. For you
Agree with pp, have you any family who could give you some help to get your home straight? Can you rehome at least some of your pets? I know it's heartbreaking but I'm sure you want them to be with someone who can give them the best life possible.
I am guessing you are very immobile and can't do much yourself around the house but are you up to doing things like meal planning and doing an online supermarket shop so it's one less thing for DH to do? Obviously I understand you probably can't cook but you could research some easy healthy and value for money recipes. It might make you feel like you can take a bit of his burden.
I don't know what your health conditions are but is there any kind of support group you could join? Even if it's just online, someone to talk to who knows what you are going through? They might also have ideas or suggestions for practical help and resources you can access.
Keep talking to us, the Mumsnetters are always here for you

You need to put yourself AND the pets first and re-home them, all of them. The fact is you are no longer capable of caring for them adequately (who is walking the dogs? What's the impact on THEM of living in a filthy environment?). Nor can you afford them. You are in a hard situation, and unfortunately that means you need to make the hard choice around this.

Your DH could paint perhaps? If you're in bed a lot and can do some drawing, can you draw what you'd like the space to look like, maybe have a good look around the internet for ideas, colours, types of furniture etc?

Where are you based? One of us may know of support in the area.

I do the meal planning and the online shop, that's one of my jobs as well as taking care of the bills. Anything I can do from here, I do :)

Good idea about a support group - thanks!

Queen - Thank you, but I don't need to rehome all my pets. My cats are absolutely fine. My older dog will not walk, even down the front path. He has difficulty moving and is more than happy with a pootle around the garden at his own pace. DH walks the younger dog and sometimes with DDs help. They're clean and groomed and don't live in filth. All poos are picked up daily. The most they have to put up with is a dirty floor when DH is at work. The walls don't effect them. I can afford them, they are insured and eat well.

Op I have pm you.

As an animal lover I ca see that it would be very difficult to think about rehoming any of your pets. However you have also mentioned that prior to being disabled any spare time you had was spent working. That doesn't seem very conducive to having pets. I feel you have had this problem for some time but now that you are disabled then it really has been highlighted.
I'm afraid the pets have to be rehomed for their own good as well as your well being. It would also make a massive difference to your bank balance as well as the well being of all of you.

My spare time. DH and DD have always walked our younger dog. There is no difference to the amount of exercise he gets. Cats are independent and haven't needed anything "extra". I worked from home for afternoons and weekends so they weren't left alone. My life was perfectly suitable to having pets.

I'm afraid the pets won't have to be rehomed. As I've explained, the cats are no issue and the main issue with the dogs is mud coming in from the garden, messy walls and hair. Nothing that has an impact on their well being.

I'd rather carry on as I am than get rid of my animals. I'm alone all day every day, so they're a massive comfort to me.

If you were local to me I’d come and help you myself. Really feel for you. But as others have suggested you really need to try and tackle a little at a time. It will give you such a boost - both your mood and your confidence. Without knowing your disabilities could you do a tiny little square each day? I am on budget restrictions too but you can make yourself a lovely home on a tiny amount. Also could you look on line for furniture. There are a few sites that have things for free. It must be very depressing for you cooped up in a house 24 hours a day and I’m sure giving yourself a small task each day will help bring up your mood. Good luck.

But wouldn't you also save a lot of money if you rehomed the pets? If you're living hand to mouth then you've got to make the tough decisions to get back on track.

Id challenge the support youre getting. Get your dh a carers assessment. Can you get some legal help with that. Long distressing path but if you get a nit more that will be a long trrm benefit that will make a difference. But i know disability benefits support packages are just mean right now and its a struggle to get more.
Next can you get a volunteer to help with sorting things out. Try homestart as your family is under strain. Anything related to your condition or locality. Churches? Itll be hard given what a mess things are but some able bodied help would wotk wonders in sortung thungs out without taking effort and energy thats in short supply in your household.
Forward planning - i would very seriously consider rehoming your pets as they will be massively increasing need to clean as well as costing you money for their upkeep. Sorry im sure thats hard to hear but if you cant manage them, then you cant manage them. Its not actually fair on them either.
Whatever you do i wish you well. Im so angry at the state of welfare support nowadays and particularly feel disabled people have borne the brunt of cuts to services. Its not right.

That's great to hear that you are doing the meal and shopping, finances etc. That's really useful and I am sure DH appreciates it.
Please know that your family love and need you even if you feel that you are unable to do much.
Sounds like the pet situation isn't too bad.
I agree with the pp who suggested that you try to make a small area nice and work from there. Maybe you could involve the kids with it. It doesn't have to cost much. A good clean and some pot plants, cushions a nice throw can really change how things look. Do some cheap photo collages and a notice board with your favourite postcards on it. It would hide the walls!
Can you encourage the kids to keep their rooms tidy themselves and pick up after themselves to help DH? Do the fifteen minute timer and everyone does some tidying for 15 minutes then gets a small reward?
Try and get outside in the garden when the weather is OK, get a bit of fresh air and sun on your skin. Open the window in the bedroom
I really feel for you..

Thank you Sammysees - yes on good days that would be doable. On bad days I'm in a wheelchair or bed, our house isn't wheelchair adapted unfortunately. But on good days I can try and on bad days I can certainly plan. I'll start writing lists.

If I can think about perhaps sorting a fenced area of garden and paving it somehow, so the dogs aren't bringing in mud, that would improve my life massively.

Walkabout - not really. Food is negligible, a bag of dogfood from the farmer shop costs £8 and lasts a month. Same with cat food - they won't eat anything other than dry. £20 a month insurance, so £36 a month really won't change things that much for us. Certainly not enough to warrant rehoming them.

Sorry i wrote above post before you posted about your pets

I think the OP has made it perfectly clear that she does NOT want to rehome her beloved pets.

Is paid help beyond your budget?

A room at a time is s great idea.

DH has had a carers assessment. They said that they can put him down as a carer, whatever that means, but he'd have to work less than 16 hours a week to get carers allowance, so there's no chance. We're semi rural so not sure what's available with Home start etc, but I'll certainly look into it thanks!

Thank you Flockoffreegulls - DD is off out this afternoon with a friend so I will get on Pinterest and make some plans. Unfortunately I can't get into our garden because of access and it's really awful. I miss having a decent garden I can sit in, it would help my mental health. It's very large and long, has grass that grows a foot a week in the summer and has wire fencing on one side so our creepy neighbours can see in. Honestly they're very odd. If we go into the garden, they will come out and stand there staring until we go in, no matter how long we are there for!

Great idea. I’m a planner and it really does help. Don’t make your lists too long though otherwise you could get disheartened. Just do a room at a time. Or the garden. If you could make a paved area by the door so you could wheel yourself out if you need to? We have a community Facebook page and people are always giving away leftover paving slabs etc. Maybe worth a look on line?

It sounds like you could also do with some counselling but that could be a large expense - is there any possibility of getting it on the NHS? If not, the support group is a good idea and will be really helpful.

One thing that will help in the long run, but is a very hard and slow process, is coming to terms with where your life is at now. It is totally understandable that you are grieving very badly for your past life, everybody would feel the same. But ideally you need to get to a place where you accept your disability and the very difficult limitations it sets on you, so that you can start to really live again, within those limitations. It is possible, much as it may seem at the moment that it isn't. Many people live very full lives with very severe disabilities but so much of it has to do with mindset and motivation, both of which are very hard to get straight when your situation is as difficult as it is and when support is scarce.

This is a good first step though, talking on here. You clearly have a spark in there, of wanting things to be better.

Where do you live OP? If local to me (Manchester) would be happy to come visit and give you a hand