In admitting defeat and wanting to give up

[ICantCopeAnymore]

I can't cope any more. I've NC for this.

I'm disabled and have had to give up my career so am now on PIP max for both elements. DH works full time but earns minimum wage so we are really struggling to pay bills, buy food etc.

He does everything, cooks, laundry, school runs etc. He is also very ill with a few things and bad spinal issues but he battles on.

I also have mental health problems. The state of the house is making my physically sick. We have a fair few pets from before I got ill, and can't keep the house clean enough.

I try my best, I really do, but I can't do big things like hoover, mop etc. DH comes in from work, cooks, washes up, does laundry and is exhausted after he's washed me and got me and DD ready for bed.

My furniture is shredded and stained, the kitchen walls are muddy and peeling, the floor is always muddy because of the dogs, as our back garden is a mud pit from hell, there is a layer of hair over everything despite hoovering daily, there's mould in the upstairs wardrobes, everywhere needs decorating and updating and I'm absolutely dreading the summer as we can no longer cut the grass.

There is literally no help. Social services have installed a bath lift. That's it. There are no options with the council as they don't do help in our area. There are no local charities. We can't afford to eat let alone pay a cleaner or gardener.

I've gone from an intelligent, successful career woman with an idyllic life, to a wailing, fat, disabled mess who lives in bed in a stinking hovel.

I literally don't know what to do any more

Me too Rocking. I’m in Glos.

Hi OP
You clearly love your dog's and cat's and as you say,they are well looked after and a great source of comfort and company for you and your dc and should not be taken away from you,life is very lonely when it seems the whole world is out there being busy with their lives and you are stuck alone at home.
Try googling local charities.there is one locally to us and for people who for whatever reason cannot decorate or garden,a team will do a one off big spring clean and garden clearance.there could be similar close to you.
Not knowing your disability,but could you do simple work from home on the computer?
Wish I could help in a practical way.
,for you.

This sounds so hard for you.
I am a dog lover, but again and again here you refuse to re-home your pets - it feels like you are prioritising them over the well being of your family. You say they are major contributor to the mess of your house with hair everywhere, mud on the walls plus the feeding and care is another job for your overstretched DH and DD, and further stretches your budget.
Does your DD ever have friends over? I bet she doesn't like to. I think that rehoming is the kindest thing to do on balance and will give you all breathing space to make the changes you need.

P.S.yes if help too if not far away OP,are you North or South?

Well, time to start being naturists I think 🤔
That would give them something to gawp at!
Just remember baby steps. Rome wasn't built in a day and all that. It's going to take some time to come to terms with what has happened to the life you planned but little things can make a big difference to how you feel.
I live abroad and have no real friends and I totally get how you must feel very isolated and stir crazy. Add your health problems and guilt into the mix and no one could blame you for being down.
Do what you can, set some realistic times. Utilise your brain which is clearly top notch as you had a good job that you did well. It's still there you just need to give it some new stuff to stop it going rusty.
You can do this, I believe in you

Ugh *realistic goals

I'm in West Wales. Thanks for your kind words and offers.

Im finding it so, so difficult to come to terms with it, yes. I feel like life is over. Its given me terrible anxiety and panic attacks because of the pain and the feeling that if I'm this bad now what will I be like in years to come. Although I know many people have it a lot worse.

I've been waiting a year for NHS help. They've decided on CBT, which I've had before but didn't help, but that's the first step. There's an 18 month waiting list though unfortunately.

Yeah the help on the NHS is shite and tbh a support group will probably be a lot more help than CBT - CBT tends to be more about dealing with unhelpful thought patterns which is something that may be playing a part in your situation but actually a lot of your fears and thoughts will be legitimate and need addressing by people who know what you're going through.

I will get a bit harsh here and say don't start with the 'many people have it a lot worse' nonsense - that's not helpful. Yes a lot of people have it objectively 'worse' but actually you are in a bad place and you do need help regardless of what other people need or deal with. My point about people living well with severe disabilities wasn't to make you feel bad about struggling - it was to assure you that even though things are very hard now there will be a way for them to get better, with the right support.

What are your current abilities - the things you can do and enjoy doing?

Does your DD ever have friends over? I bet she doesn't like to

Yes she does, occasionally. She also has a music tutor once a week and they go up to her room and have a lesson. Her room is absolutely immaculate by the way. Why wouldn't she like to have friends over?

Flock, if they saw me naked, they'd move out, so I might have to try it Sorry to hear that - true friends are a godsend and I do have people checking in on me online, but as I've said, they live away. I know they'd help if they could.

Thank you! Yes that's another thing - I feel like all the years and hard work I spend at university, training to do my job and getting my professional qualification have been an utter waste. It's very disheartening and hard to accept.

Op I’m sorry you’re feeling trapped at the moment with everything, it all seems to creep up slowly and suddenly you’re somewhere you never imagined yourself to be. As previously mentioned there are positive small steps you can take to make improvements and boost your mental health, by focusing on one room and one task st a time you will get things done. I wish I were closer I’d be there tomorrow to help get started :/ if any other mumsnetters are close by I’m hoping they could lend a hand. Or from all corners of the world we come to your aid and pitch in?? :D

Thank you Spaghetti - you didn't make me feel bad!

The NHS help for mental illness is shocking. They actually told me that the only way I'd be seen sooner is if I attempted suicide but because of the nature of my anxiety (health related and phobia), I'm a low suicide risk to them as they know I'd do anything to avoid it! Yes, they said I'll probably end up with EMDR therapy or something similar but they have to be seen to have tried CBT first, so they can cross it off (even though I had it through work). It's very frustrating and it's no wonder there are so many people suffering.

That's true. I think my thinking of people having it worse is that it helps me with perspective. Yes I'm in a really miserable, shitty situation, but I don't have a terminal illness, I have a husband and a child etc.

I enjoy using my brain. I love reading, arty things like crochet/knitting, painting, sewing, writing the odd children's book etc. It's hard to find motivation to do them at the moment, though.

Agree with Spaghetti just because some people are worse off doesn't mean you have no right to feel bad about your situation. It's not always helpful to think about how much worse things could be, they are pretty bad for you right now.
So you like my naturist idea? New hobby right there, naked Pinteresting!
Could you see if you can find any online self help courses? Maybe start with the MIND website?
It might be worth looking at whether you could access some counselling so you can talk to someone who is objective and not emotionally involved about how you feel. To help you work through your emotions about the situation, sadly you might have to try and scrape the money together yourself as the NHS is not much help in this area.
Or see if you can find any charities who might help. Maybe some pro bono work is done by professional counsellors. My sister sadly lost her partner suddenly last year and she is getting bereavement counselling from a charity. She said it's hard but helpful.
Anyway, I really do wish you the best and hope things get better. If nothing else come and shoot the breeze on the chat page

Is it your room you'd like to spruce up a bit? What sort of things would you like to do with it?

My bedroom isn't actually too bad. The furniture is OK, decorating isn't too bad and it's a big room. The only thing it could do with is something new at the window, as the roller blind is broken so down permanently. It's white, so lets light in but not as much as I'd like.

I think my main issues are the scabby living/dining room and the kitchen. I can't bear to be downstairs, my husband and DD say it's not as bad as I make out?

Oops. No question mark!

When you're in four walls a lot it's easy to see everything that's wrong with them. Chances are it really isn't too bad but what's getting you down is a lack of variety.

Definitely get that blind fixed as soon as you can - the more light the better. IKEA do very nice and very cheap blinds

What's the thing about the dining room that annoys you the most?

Can the budget stretch to some paint? Even if it's just some magnolia it would look clean and you can tart it up with pictures on the walls. If you got eggshell type kitchen paint it should wipe clean with a cloth so you can give it a clean when it gets muddy.
Go through the pictures on your computer have a reminisce and pick some out to put in frames.
Go online and look at primark, ikea etc get a new lamp, some pot plants and throw and cushions for the sofa. Get a cheap rug, we had one from IKEA that was twenty quid and when it got mucky from our young kids we just binned it and got a new one.
You could do it gradually as money, time and energy allows.
Get a windbreak like at the seaside in the garden so you can sit without being watched and get a couple of hanging baskets with pretty flowers in.
You have time to shop around, it's amazing what a few choice things can do to make somewhere look different.
Make it nice for you to be downstairs.

Would your budget stretch to a cleaner, once a week, just for the hoovering/mopping

Sorry if Ive missed this information, but have you claimed DLA? That might help fund a cleaner. Otherwise, maybe contact the CAB to see if there are local voluntary groups that could help you. Totally get that you are not rehoming your pets. Sounds like you need to get out too, I wonder if there is some support group? Have you googled your local authority under local offer for disabled to see what services there are? Sorry to hear things are so bad.

Have you looked up bullet journals? It’s fun (to me anyway!) to browse on Pinterest and get ideas and it’s a way of writing down all your lists and plans for things

Thanks everyone! I actually have a Bullet Journal but I didn't really have anything to put in it. I could do lists for improving things though.

The living/dining room is mainly tattiness. The cats have shredded the armchair so it looks unsightly and the walls need painting. I can get a tin of paint, it's just the doing it, as DH suffers with his spine. Perhaps in stages though.

I've tried local charities but there either aren't any, or they are for over 60s. There doesn't seem to be anything for younger disabled people. I contacted Mind, filled out the form they sent and have heard nothing since - that was a year ago. I have difficulty going out because of the anxiety. Perhaps when I finally get to see psychological support services, they'll suggest things.

Yes, I'm on PIP but it has to fund bills as its less than a quarter of what my wages were. We aren't entitled to anything else. Really can't stretch to a cleaner because I don't want DD to have to give up her hobbies. It's all she has.

I'll start with the house. If my indoor surroundings are more pleasant at least it will be a help to my state of mind. Unfortunately my garden isn't able to be sat in without a lot of work even with a windbreak.

My heart goes out to you. I've suffered with chronic illness that left me unable to get out of bed for a while, and I think it's a very rare person that isn't psychologically affected in quite a deep way by that experience. I was extremely lucky, in that I was able to get better.

I can hear how overwhelmed you feel in your post. Here are some things that helped me, in the hope that some of them might help you too. However, everyone is different and responds to different cues!

• Start small! Do what you can, starting with one area. This is the Fly Lady "shine your sink" principle - if you can keep one small bit of the house clean and nice, it makes it psychologically easier to take on another. It stops you getting submerged in despair. Even if you are physically quite limited, there are things you can do! I started by sewing up some damaged curtains and ended up with a clean and tidy house about a year later.
• Simplify wherever you can so that you have energy to devote to making improvements (your DH's as well as yours). I found it better to throw a pack of stir fry on the hob and to sort out a bunch of stuff for the charity shop than to cook something more elaborate. Alternatively, you can cook a massive pot of veggie curry or stew for an entire week for a matter of a few tens of pence a meal and then simply reheat each evening. I couldn't cook on the hob, so I sometimes did it slowly in an instant pot on a clean bit of floor!
• You can get nice furniture for cheaps in charity shops. Especially mid century stuff!
• Spend money sorting out the source of the problems. There's no point decorating walls if the dogs are going to shake mud all over them - you'll feel like you've spent valuable energy and money going round in circles. Sort out the source of the mud by paving the garden and putting plants in pots or raised beds (there may be local community groups that can help you). Get a washable runner for the floors that you can stick in the machine. Ditto for the mould upstairs - work out the source and then dehumidify or ventilate or sort out leaks.
• It's a splurge, but a handheld/cordless hoover is a Godsend when you are weak and lacking in energy. Ditto a dishwasher.

I made a cheap temporary area for my dogs with some bamboo cane and some netting, covered it in some free paving slabs someone was giving away and I’ve had a mud free winter. Very temporary soloution for us but it has done the job for less than £50.

Can you write your DD a letter? My two love getting letters

Hi OP, sorry things are so tough for you.
Try this lot. West Wales Care and Repair
www.pembs-cr.co.uk/What-we-do

Should be able to help with some diy jobs for you and maybe some longer term planning about how you can make your home better adapted and more manageable given that both you and your DH are living with disabilities. Or even support you in thinking about whether its where you need to live long term.
Good luck.