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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dp his a child from me

58 replies

DoughyDonut · 10/04/2018 09:26

Background info:
I have to dc age 6 and 8 from previous relationship (with man who was abusive mentally physically and I’m in therapy for this) I found the courage to leave him 4 years ago. I lived with just me and dc for 2 years before meeting now DP, we then moved into his house after 2 years together (giving up mine plus 90% of furniture) and using this money to do his neglected house up.
Dp has 2 grown up dc, him and his dad do not speak, he and his ds do have a relationship.
He is a lovely man who has helped me throughout the hard time I have had and always treated my dc as his own.

We moved in with him I found a stack of photos on the windowsill amongst these were 1 of a girl on his mother’s lap that didn’t look like his dd, and another school photo of a teenager also not his dd.
I questioned this he told me he didn’t know her name Hmm he then told me she was his brothers Hmm he then told me he had thought she was his but found out his brother had an affair and she was him Hmm that is the story he stuck with.
I knew he was lying I did my own investigating and turns out he has a whole daughter he didn’t tell me about, because it was too painful!!!!!
They’ve not had contact for many years she sees him as a sperm donor wants nothing to do with him.

Aibu to not know what the hell to do now!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
DoughyDonut · 10/04/2018 09:28

Hid not his Blush stupid phone !!

OP posts:
Emma198 · 10/04/2018 09:30

So do you know that the reason he didn't tell you about her was that he's too hurt to talk about it? I think what I would do would rest on his reasons.

Also, did you sell a house and put your money in to his? I hope you ensured you're down as part owner!

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 10/04/2018 09:32

I was in a similar situation. We had 2 children, I knew about my one child he was in touch with, then found out he had another 2 he has nothing to do with.

Both their mother's used him to get pregnant and then ran away, he wanted to be involved but they were mean and evil blah blah blah.

Upshot is that he is a lying, untrustworthy little prick and we are now over and I'm the mean ex who used him for babies and dumped him

In my eyes it's unforgivable to lie about such a thing.

Original poster
DoughyDonut · 10/04/2018 09:33

I was renting long term let before moving in with him.
He says the hurt it causes him means he cannot and will not talk about it and I’m wrong for snooping

OP posts:
Belindabauer · 10/04/2018 09:34

How old was he when she was born and what was his relationship with her mum?
These are questions I would want to know.
Also why did he lie to you? Could he be lying about anything else.
I'd want answers to these questions before I could make a decision,
What's his relationship like with his other dcs, was he involved in their upbringing ? If not then I wouldn't want to be with a man like that.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/04/2018 09:37

Do you believe him is the simple question.
Why doesn't he see his other daughter? That might raise a flag.

DanceDisaster · 10/04/2018 09:37

Both their mother's used him to get pregnant and then ran away

Oh that’s classic! Because soooo many women just want his specific sperm so they can raise his babies alone Hmm.

Dangerousmonkey · 10/04/2018 09:38

Lies easily, doesn't he? There's a reason why he is not in the lives of these people.

Original poster
DoughyDonut · 10/04/2018 09:39

His first 2 dc he was with there mother til they were 2/3 she cheated had 2 more dc cheated again had another dc then moved 500 miles away and he lost contact with them, there mother now has 7 dc by 5 men. His ds knocked on his door at 15 and they’ve had contact ever since. This is what I’m told and believe to be true.
This unknown dd he was in a relationship with I have no idea how when or why it ended I cannot get this out of him. He is not on birth certificate but she is def his she has his features

OP posts:
Flyingpompom · 10/04/2018 09:40

Run like the wind. That's 2 families he's abandoned... assuming his first two have the same mother?
Do not get pregnant by this man.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/04/2018 09:41

So why doesn't he see the sibling of DS? Why did he leave out till they found him?

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 10/04/2018 09:42

Oh that’s classic! Because soooo many women just want his specific sperm so they can raise his babies alone

Grin they probably sought him out especially for his sperm providing abilities.

Now he has 5 children, he doesn't see 4 of them, and he only sees the other twice a year and is only in touch because the kids mother pays for all travel and expects fuck all from him.

He really is quite the catch as it turns out.

A man who can walk away from a child like that isn't a good man.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 10/04/2018 09:43

I expect my exp is hiding his eldest dd who he doesn't see right now. Run

MrsMozart · 10/04/2018 09:44

We all have secrets of some sort. This is a massive one, and one you'd of course wish he'd told you about and would open up about, but that's not the case, at least not for the moment. I think you need to tell him you weren't snooping, you saw the pictures, it raised questions, but if he's not ready to talk then so be it. Just let him know you're there for him should he ever change his mind.

Original poster
DoughyDonut · 10/04/2018 09:44

His dd doesn’t want to know him, resents him for not being a father.
Her mother changed there surnames when they were younger he could not find them- so I’m told
I’m inclined to believe as he is now on good terms with there mothers family

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 10/04/2018 09:46

Buzz he has 3, presumably all adults now or nearly so.

If you believe him about the relationships with his other two, I'd be inclined to believe him on the third. I wouldn't break a relationship up over this alone but I would ask if there's anything else.

Original poster
DoughyDonut · 10/04/2018 09:47

I would love to have your attitude mrsmozart but I feel hurt angry end lied to I’ve given up everything which wasn’t easy given my past

OP posts:
RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 09:47

This is what I’m told and believe to be true
Why would you believe him when you know he lied and lied and lied about another child?

He "lost contact" with them? Funny how many men say that. OP, is there any way on earth you could ever lose contact with your children?
He's a liar, you know this. Chances are he's lied about everything else too. 3 kids, and the only one he's in contact with is the one that came to him. Bet he never paid a penny for any of them, did he?

Snowysky20009 · 10/04/2018 09:48

Sorry but this would raise way to many questions for me, that being a mother myself, I couldn't stick around without concrete proof of the truth. I would end up questioning everything he said. But maybe that's just me 🤷🏻‍♀️

diddl · 10/04/2018 09:50

How many kids has he got & how any are in contact with him?

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/04/2018 09:57

So he has 3 kids. I would be very upset with him thinking he’s entitled to have a secret child. You’ve brought 2 young children into his home so of course you want to know about him and his past. Doesn’t seem to care how it will affect you. Do you:
A) have your own separate money and independence?
B) have any intention of having a child with him? If so, please don’t.

Juells · 10/04/2018 10:00

but if he's not ready to talk then so be it. Just let him know you're there for him should he ever change his mind.

and MrsMozart wins the martyr's crown Grin

Flyingpompom · 10/04/2018 10:01

Right, I'm going to tell you about someone I know.

When I met my DH, he had this friend. Let's call him Tom. Tom was in a relationship with Barbara. Tom had children from a previous relationship, from before he met my DH. My DH told me what a shame it was that Tom didn't see his kids, his ex was a psycho, apparently. Tom was a good bloke who was heartbroken by it all. He didn't take her to court because of the upheaval for the kids, it wasn't worth putting them through it.
Now I was always sceptical. I was suspicious of anyone who made no effort to see their kids.
Years went by. Tom and Barbara had 2 gorgeous DCs. Tom was an absolute doting father. I softened, and assumed he'd been telling the truth all these years.
Their DC were growing up, junior school age. Tom and Barbara got married. We were all there, delighted for them
And then...bam! He's having an affair and it's not pretty. Within about 2 weeks he can't see the kids (kids he's seen every day of their lives) because it's too painful. He's not seen them now for about a year. His friends think Barbara is a bitch, keeping the kids from him.
Me and DH see the children and Barbara regularly through a shared hobby- we know for certain it's him refusing to answer the phone or see them. He's had a couple of bouts of regular contact but not lasted for long.

My point is... you don't know. You trust someone but you can never truly know them. 2 years ago I'd have bet my house that Tom was a genuine guy, wronged by his ex. And I was extremely cynical at the start.

Lweji · 10/04/2018 10:02

All this stinks to high heaven.

Why are all those women trying to avoid him?

What's the issue with his own dad?

And he has repeatedly lied to you about this issue, that you know.

I can only imagine what other lies he's been feeding you.

Divorcequestions · 10/04/2018 10:04

You have done up his neglected house and then go on to say how lovely he is.

Of course he is lovely you have been spending money on his house and I presume you are not on the deeds.

Why aren't you looking after your own dc and not putting them in such a precarious position.
Even if he didn't have form for getting women pregnant and abandoning any responsibility for his dc.

I presume he doesn't pay maintenance for all of his children

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