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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp his a child from me

58 replies

DoughyDonut · 10/04/2018 09:26

Background info:
I have to dc age 6 and 8 from previous relationship (with man who was abusive mentally physically and I’m in therapy for this) I found the courage to leave him 4 years ago. I lived with just me and dc for 2 years before meeting now DP, we then moved into his house after 2 years together (giving up mine plus 90% of furniture) and using this money to do his neglected house up.
Dp has 2 grown up dc, him and his dad do not speak, he and his ds do have a relationship.
He is a lovely man who has helped me throughout the hard time I have had and always treated my dc as his own.

We moved in with him I found a stack of photos on the windowsill amongst these were 1 of a girl on his mother’s lap that didn’t look like his dd, and another school photo of a teenager also not his dd.
I questioned this he told me he didn’t know her name Hmm he then told me she was his brothers Hmm he then told me he had thought she was his but found out his brother had an affair and she was him Hmm that is the story he stuck with.
I knew he was lying I did my own investigating and turns out he has a whole daughter he didn’t tell me about, because it was too painful!!!!!
They’ve not had contact for many years she sees him as a sperm donor wants nothing to do with him.

Aibu to not know what the hell to do now!!!

OP posts:
bonnyshide · 10/04/2018 10:05

He doesn't sound very loyal and reliable, please tell me you have protected yourself financially now that you have financed his house repairs?

RosyPrimroseface · 10/04/2018 10:05

"To lose one child may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose all three looks like carelessness." To misquote Oscar Wilde...

Agree with pps that it is too unlikely that this series of misfortunes could happen to him and he's fine and innocent.

Don't have children with him. Run.

MrsMozart · 10/04/2018 10:06

Juells Bollocks. Do you know everything about your OH? Would you be willing to drag out info your OH found too painful, for whatever reason, to talk about? Does your OH know everything about you?

It's not bloody martyrdom. It's what does the OP, or anyone in the same situation, want to break up an otherwise good life for. Can't change what's happened. Can leave an opening for future discussion and understanding. Or, can blow up and walk away.

Original poster
DoughyDonut · 10/04/2018 10:10

He has definitely paid maintenance for 1st dc I have seen the csa letters regarding this, as for secret dd I’m assuming not.
I’m confused as he is nothing but loving to my dc
Also so angry and upset! I’ve put so much into this!

OP posts:
RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 10:10

Bollocks. Do you know everything about your OH? Would you be willing to drag out info your OH found too painful, for whatever reason, to talk about? Does your OH know everything about you?

Bollocks yourself. I know how many kids my OH has and he knows the same for me. "Too painful" my arse, its no excuse for lying multiple times.

stitchglitched · 10/04/2018 10:13

I don't think him being loving to your DC is any indication that he was a good father to his own. I've come across plenty of men who play Dad of the year to their stepkids whilst neglecting their own- because their interest in any children seems to depend on their relationship with the mother.

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 10/04/2018 10:13

I’m confused as he is nothing but loving to my dc

So was my ex. Great with my dc, great with his older dc that I knew about, then when we had our kids he was great with them as well. In fact he was a SAHD. Then when the shit hit the fan everyone got abandoned without a glance backwards.

Original poster
DoughyDonut · 10/04/2018 10:14

Why aren't you looking after your own dc and not putting them in such a precarious position.

Wow! Well don’t I feel like a great mother now!
I thought I was giving me and my much loved dc a better life, financially and also by finally living with a man who loved us. Had I thought he was a lying twunt of course I would put my dc of myself in this situation!

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 10/04/2018 10:14

And I would agree that one estranged child might be sad. 3 estranged children from different mothers is a red flag.

Juells · 10/04/2018 10:14

MrsMozart - apologies for being so flippant to you. I'm guessing that most of the women on this thread who are being unsympathetic have had their noses rubbed in the 'too painful to talk about' guff. When you find that you've swallowed a load of lies you get quite cynical.

MrsMozart · 10/04/2018 10:14

One thing this site has proved time and time again is that people don't (always) know the people they thought they knew best.

The lying is shit. But people lie for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes those reasons are very real to the lier. It's up to the person they're lying to to decide what they do when the lie comes out. Either accept the situation and the reasoning and move on, or don't and move out.

MrsMozart · 10/04/2018 10:20

Juells no apology needed but thank you.

I completely get the effect lying has on people. My Dad went off with his secretary. I was dragged into more of the break-up than was good for a ten year old.

But maybe I'm weary of my years of (in my case over) reacting to everything. Maybe I'm at the stage of peeling back the layers and looking more into the options given x, y, z situation. The OP's OH has behaved badly to the OP, but maybe, in his mind, he did what he needed to do for whatever his reasons were. It's up to the OP as to whether or not that's a deal breaker.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 10/04/2018 10:21

I’ve come across plenty of men who play Dad of the year to their stepkids whilst neglecting their own- because their interest in any children seems to depend on their relationship with the mother

I think this hits the nail on the head. You know now what he has done and what he has lied about

And you have a choice and either way it will be painful at some point

Welliejellie · 10/04/2018 10:22

That's a big secret to keep, for me the trust would have gone in that relationship.

My son is 19 his dad has chosen not to see him since we split up when he was 6 mths old. I have heard he is married now with a toddler and I do wonder if his wife knows about his son. If he has fed her some shit about me not allowing him to see him. Or that he can't find him. I have had the same number for 20 years I have always kept it so that he could not say he didn't have my number.

I really dont understand any women who would marry someone knowing they have a child that they can't be bothered to see. So I assume he has kept his son a secret!

whiskybysidedoor · 10/04/2018 10:22

Honestly he sounds like someone off the Jeremy Kyle show.

Moving your own kids in with a man who has such a poor relationship with his own kids (and I’m assuming has not paid for them) is really poor decision making from you.

You seem to indicate that you’ve tied yourself to him financially as well. I would try to unravel that as much as possible regardless of the outcome.

Yes, you do need to know about secret children and what happened. You’ve got your own kids living with him. He could be anything or anyone FGS.

Dancingleopard · 10/04/2018 10:26

Then when the shit hit the fan everyone got abandoned without a glance backwards

This is quite typical

Original poster
DoughyDonut · 10/04/2018 10:28

From what I knew to be true when I made the decision to move in with him, I don’t think it was poor decision making his ds has a good relationship with him his dd doesn’t I know 100% he did try with her but I have seen the stack of presents for her from over the years he still won’t get rid of and I have also seen the texts from her constantly asking for money, phone contracts etc.. she is 23 now not 13. He is not all bad.

OP posts:
snewsname · 10/04/2018 10:29

Well this is a deal breaker. He might not want to talk about it but he now needs to choose to talk about it or lose you. If he still chooses not to talk about it then you know it's not a pretty story and you're best off without him anyway.
You deserve the truth. I'm not sure I could ever get over this anyway. The trust would be gone.

MumofBoysx2 · 10/04/2018 10:29

Well if the girl is a teenager at least the it was a very long time ago (different if you found a recent picture of a baby, eg). So it seems quite reasonable that his explanation of not wanting to talk about her is real. I think the lying about it is not really on though.

Lweji · 10/04/2018 10:31

I'm sure he's not all that bad. We all have good and bad points.

But... I would make sure that it wouldn't be too hard to leave this man. And I'm not sure I'd trust him again.

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/04/2018 10:32

If the mother sees him as a sperm donor and wants nothing to do with him - how come he has so many photographs of his DD?

Wouldn't the mother have vanished as soon as she got her desired result (ie, pregnant), and not bothered with sending him lots (it sounds like lots) of photos of his DD? Particularly her school photos?

lattewith3shotsplease · 10/04/2018 10:34

OP,
Only you know your DP.

Maybe he's telling the truth that it hurts to talk about it.

There are many Women who do get pregnant, and never allow the Father any contact. ( I speak from experience)

Do not allow other people to cloud your judgment.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 10/04/2018 10:35

Ok so you think he isn’t all bad

But he is a liar he wasn’t truthful with you

Can you live with someone who is prepared to keep such secrets (do you believe it was too painful to talk about or easier to keep quiet about it’s not the same thing)

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 10/04/2018 10:36

If I had a child out there I'd move heaven and earth to get to them. Any decent person would. It says so much about a man who creates a child then pretends they don't exist. Speaking from experience. My wonderful amazing funny clever son is now 15. His "father" is all over Facebook at the moment. He's had a baby girl with his partner and him and his friends are all cooing around him about him now being complete now he is a dad. Twunt.

thethoughtfox · 10/04/2018 10:58

I suspect there is a grain of truth in his answer. It is genuinely uncomfortable to think about this child and explain because he hasn't been a good father to this child or done everything he could to support them and build a relationship with them.

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