I’m a Pregnant Bridesmaid - advice please!!

[Citygirl85]

Good morning ladies!! I’m a bridesmaid in May for an old school friend. She’s always been quite selfish but I’ve known her 20+ years which counts for something. Recently she’s moroged into bridezilla.

We were planning on TTC but delayed until March, even though we expected it to take a long time (6-12 months minimum) in our mid 30’s trying for our first as I only have 1 tube (historical ruptured ectopic with ex-fiancée in 2013) ... and so here I am 5 weeks pregnant after month 1 TTC having ovulated from my tubeless side.

It’s 2 days before the first dress fitting (the bride will be there), 3 weeks before the hen do (4 days away VERY boozy and I can’t do any of the activities e.g. clubbing, the spa etc.), exhausted, nauseous, selling 2 houses (completing on one in 8 days time) and buying another privately without an estate agent. I also work full time in a demanding career in financial services.

Due to my history I’m at the hospital frequently being monitored - first scan today is our 5th visit to the hospitals early pregnancy unit in a week - and am on antibiotics for a UTI which I’m prone to with stress. Things look good so far and scan today should confirm bubs is in the right place :)

Clearly, something has to give and I need to pull out of the hen do, plus I’ll need to say something to the seamstress as I’m already in maternity jeans because of bloating and a delightful maternity bra will give it away immediately.

In my heart I hope the bride would be pleased for us, but in my head I know she’s probably going to be nasty about it, and most likely not to my face which is worse - I don’t trust her to keep our secret and only parents/my best friend know at the moment. She recently ranted about “everyone announcing pregnancies on Facebook” and I know this is a touchy subject for her. Her reaction will stem from jealousy - considering my history I know the green eyed monster well - but I’ve never taken it out on other friends when they announce they’re expecting. My parents, best friend and Mr know the bride and sadly agree my concerns are not unfounded.

Naturally my instinct is to put my stress levels and the health of bubs first, tell her the truth and either she’ll be pleased and understand why I’m missing the hen do, probably will struggle on her wedding day etc. or she’ll not be very nice about it and then it says a lot about our “friendship”. This does risk her blabbing our news which is not ok, which makes me wonder if I’m better telling a different version of the truth or just pulling out without reason. I suspect whatever I do is going to get a bad reaction 😔 any advice please? x

Do you need to tell her yet? Ring the dress shop and pre warn them and explain you don't want to tell anyone yet.

As for hen do. Isn't it a shame you have a severe UTI and kidney infection so doctor has advised against a spa, alcohol etc.

Unfortunately the seamstress is her cousin and it's happening at her house - I don't know her/her name and have no way of contacting her before hand. But that is a brilliant idea re. the hen do - thank you xx

Sounds like a 'friend' you're better off without! I'm 21 weeks and haven't announced or told some of my friends I see less frequently; I want to get my 20 wk scan out of the way and know everything is ok first (today).

Regardless of pregnancy or not, going on a hen do with a UTI is never going to be fun so I'd pull out of that one; you need medication/ rest etc.

Is there any chance you could ring the dressmaker before hand and have a private chat to explain your situation so they know to accommodate for growth? Or use the UTI again as an excuse not to go to the fitting along with everyone else?

When you do tell her I'd be tempted to write her a letter and explain why you didn't tell her straight away (high risk etc) and be clear about your participation in her wedding so she's not going to come to assumptions and get angry. Also explain she's one of the few who know so can she keep it a secret due to risk etc. Maybe the letter format will give her time to digest and process.
Also if you do announce be mindful of doing at a similar time she may have something going on so she doesn't think you're stealing her thunder.

Alternatively cut her out of your life and save yourself a lot of additional stress 😉
Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well x

I think you have every right to excuse yourself on the grounds of illness without giving any details if you are not feeling up to it. From the gathering or even from the obligation of brides maid duties if you do not wish to deal with a bridezilla.

I would pull out completely. It sounds like being her bridesmaid is going to be a source of constant stress. I would say that due to some private, ongoing health concerns you really can’t fulfill your bridesmaid duties and don’t want to stuff her around. Congratulations btw! I hope that you have a smooth, uneventful pregnancy

Try not to panic, you have to do what's best for you and buba.

I know everyone is different but by the time of the wedding (assuming it's the end of May) you will be 9 weeks so your bump may not be that noticeable.

Mines wasn't at that stage and I went on to have 11.5lbs.

Maybe talk to a different seemstress for advice, most dresses have two inches spare each side.

Wow ladies thank you - maybe it's the hormones, but I'm overwhelmed by your support and advice 💕

I'll be about 11 weeks by the time of the wedding but I've lost over a stone since I was measured for the dress order so there's adequate growing room - at the moment the dress needs to be taken in significantly. Unfortunately the seamstress is the brides cousin and it's taking place at her house - I don't know her name or contact details, so can't really get in touch in advance. It's only the bride and I at the fitting as trying to get us all to go together was impossible so it's also hard to reschedule as it's at a time/date I suggested 🙄

However, I've decided this is a time in my life where I need to be selfish for the sake of both me and bubs, so I'm going to send the bride a message later on (probably after the scan) along the lines of:

"I have a private ongoing health concern and I'm concerned about this impacting on my ability to commit to bridesmaids duties and I don't want you to think I'm messing you about for no reason - at the moment I'd like to do the best I can with duties, but I wanted to give you the option to drop me as a bridesmaid on a "no hard feelings" basis as it's your big day which should be as amazing and stress free as possible."

obviously some niceties and "frills" around it as a message to make it friendly, but that sort of gist. I guess this'll give me a good feel for how she's likely to react to the full truth and a steer as to what to do going forward.

Thanks all xx

Dude, if you sent me that message I'd think you were seriously ill and trying to shield me from it for the sake of a wedding. Like cancer diagnosis ill.

That is a dramatic message, I really wouldn’t send it, it would have me really worried. I would just tell her you are pregnant and ask if she wants you to pull out.

I didn’t show until 32 weeks after a bit of bloating in weeks 5/6, I wouldn’t worry too much about clothes at the moment. Congratulations.

I don't understand why you can't go clubbing- its just dancing with your friends or spa- avoid Jacuzzi (UTI/Verruca etc)?

You are only going to be 8 weeks at hen, I doubt anyone would know- easy to say you need to abstain from alcohol as you are planning on TTC soon or something.

And only 11 weeks at actual wedding, don't think you'd need to mention to the seamster, just ask it to be a bit loose as you bloat easily and want to be comfortable on the day or something.

I'd think it was a pretty poor show to drop your friend wedding just because you got pregnant. Hen and wedding won't hurt your baby!

Your message is way OTT and I would be really disappointed to receive that and then later here you were pregnant when you've made out you are seriously ill.

Never heard of anyone in Maternity bra and jeans at 5 Weeks!

So long as a bra is well fitted, and the wires aren’t digging into the breast tissue, there’s no need to wear a maternity bra.

I'm sorry but I think you are being a bit precious. You have said it's 3 weeks before the hen do, no UTI should last that long. You can still go and relax in spa and attend meals etc, they won't be drunk in nightclubs 24/7. If you are only going to be 11 weeks when the wedding is on you may not be even showing - let her know and let her decide whether to keep you as bridesmaid or not. You can't wrap yourself up in cotton wool for 9 months, you are pregnant not ill and once your scan confirms an intra uterine pregnancy then any early pregnancy concerns can be alleviated. Congrats anyway

I would use your illness as an excuse not to go to the hen. To be honest if you'll only be 11 weeks on the wedding day there's probably no need to tell the dress maker - just buy some spanks! Bloating goes down and most don't start showing to anyone else until 20 weeks plus.

Don't be pressured into telling anyone, I always say the longer you wait the better and I would attempt to wait until 20 weeks before announcing.

Congrats on your pregnancy, hope all goes well for you.

That message is awful! Don’t send that.

Just phone her, tell her your news. If you have decided that you no longer wish to be bridesmaid but would still like to attend the wedding, tell her that. If you are leaving it up to her tell her you would still be happy to be bridesmaid but won’t be offended if she would prefer you just to be a guest instead - and give her time to reflect.

You could go to the hen do, not drink and not do the activities. Presume at this stage you’ll still have to pay your share if you don’t attend.

Do not send that message - from what you've said she doesn't need to know that you are pregnant. You will only be 11 weeks pregnant at the wedding so nobody will know anyway.

Also a maternity bra at 5 weeks?!

Just either make excuses at the hen do for no drink or don't go. With the dress there's no need to tell anyone you'll only be 11 weeks!

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I have to agree with shiny and others.
That message is way too dramatic.

Oh, you’ll only be 11 weeks at the wedding? Easy to alter dress then.

Don't send a message like that! Whatever you think about unspecified medical reasons, it just reads as you pulling out and trying to find a face saving excuse. I doubt she would believe it now, the rupture will occur and the hurt it would cause when you announce the pregnancy idc just is not worth it. Unless of course your aim is to go nuclear in ending this friendship, and circle of friends, if you are friends with the other bridesmaids that is.

You are only a few weeks PG, and although you are hormonal and excited, you simply do not need a 'maternity' bra yet. Even though boobs can grow as an early PG symptom, you need to go and buy a bigger regular bra. Also, even though bloating will feel vast, it's not likely to be perceptible to other people.

So call off the dress fitting, recommend a work crisis, and have a well timed bout of noro or something for the hen do.

** Congratulations and all the best for you and your family.

wanted to give you the option to drop me as a bridesmaid on a "no hard feelings"

I think you should decide what you want to do, and then (gently) tell the bride. If you feel good in yourself, by all means go ahead, but it sounds as if you are going through the motions of being a bridesmaid, because your long friendship counts for something.

It is not bad, it is sometimes necessary, to prioritise your baby, and your health. Only you know whether this is one of those times. All the best.

I completely understand that you're full of anxiety at the moment - pregnancy after previous loss is really hard, and really messes with your head. It also sounds, unfortunately, like you regret agreeing to be a bridesmaid for this woman in the first place. But these are two separate issues. I agree that the message is incredibly dramatic and a bad idea. Dropping out of a wedding with six weeks to go is a pretty huge statement unless it becomes actually impossible, and it really doesn't sound like it is for you. The bride is going to be very upset if you do this, and most people are going to agree with her. Unless you develop hyperemesis or another (very uncommon) serious pregnancy complication or side effect most people are just living their lives at 11 weeks pregnant.

If the hen is going to be really difficult to get through without telling everyone then feigning illness for that might make sense (I agree that there are only so many drinks/activities you can decline without everyone guessing). But I'd think really, really long and hard about your plan to pull out of the wedding entirely.

11 weeks? I was a 5 month pregnant bridesmaid and did not miss anything to do with the wedding including going clubbing and spa.
As PP mentioned, you might want to avoid pool/jacuzzi. Enjoy a nice facial instead.
Do not send that message, your pregnant not ill. If you don't want to be bridesmaid anymore, just tell her.

Congratulations on the pregnancy

It seems like your main concern here is that you, understandably, want your pregnancy to be private.

If you wish to remain friends with the bride, then telling her - and asking her to keep this in confidence - would be the best thing to do.

11 weeks pregnant you'll be fine - you don't start the ballooning thing til around 20 weeks or more usually - is it a tight fitting slinky dress or something a bit more 👗 like!? In which case just tell the dress maker that nobody knows not even family so not to tell her Cousin as you'll only be 11 weeks then

Goood luck and enjoy it, you'll don't have to give up everything being pregnant

I was 5 weeks at my friends hen (with sickness and just having had an early scan due to bleeding) managed to have a brill time and no one questioned the not drinking.
I was 11 weeks at her actual wedding (and bridesmaid) normal bra etc.
I admit I was initially worried as you are thought everyone would know at the hen and thought I would be huge at 11 weeks and everyone would guess buuut in the nicest possible way no one cared and weren’t looking at me!
I would say as long as you are feeling well and the uti treated then try and relax, take each week as it comes (easier said than done I know) and see how it goes. You may regret pulling out esp if it affects your friendship and pregnancy is such a short period in relation to everything even though I know it is all encompassing at the time.