I’m a Pregnant Bridesmaid - advice please!!

[Citygirl85]

Good morning ladies!! I’m a bridesmaid in May for an old school friend. She’s always been quite selfish but I’ve known her 20+ years which counts for something. Recently she’s moroged into bridezilla.

We were planning on TTC but delayed until March, even though we expected it to take a long time (6-12 months minimum) in our mid 30’s trying for our first as I only have 1 tube (historical ruptured ectopic with ex-fiancée in 2013) ... and so here I am 5 weeks pregnant after month 1 TTC having ovulated from my tubeless side.

It’s 2 days before the first dress fitting (the bride will be there), 3 weeks before the hen do (4 days away VERY boozy and I can’t do any of the activities e.g. clubbing, the spa etc.), exhausted, nauseous, selling 2 houses (completing on one in 8 days time) and buying another privately without an estate agent. I also work full time in a demanding career in financial services.

Due to my history I’m at the hospital frequently being monitored - first scan today is our 5th visit to the hospitals early pregnancy unit in a week - and am on antibiotics for a UTI which I’m prone to with stress. Things look good so far and scan today should confirm bubs is in the right place :)

Clearly, something has to give and I need to pull out of the hen do, plus I’ll need to say something to the seamstress as I’m already in maternity jeans because of bloating and a delightful maternity bra will give it away immediately.

In my heart I hope the bride would be pleased for us, but in my head I know she’s probably going to be nasty about it, and most likely not to my face which is worse - I don’t trust her to keep our secret and only parents/my best friend know at the moment. She recently ranted about “everyone announcing pregnancies on Facebook” and I know this is a touchy subject for her. Her reaction will stem from jealousy - considering my history I know the green eyed monster well - but I’ve never taken it out on other friends when they announce they’re expecting. My parents, best friend and Mr know the bride and sadly agree my concerns are not unfounded.

Naturally my instinct is to put my stress levels and the health of bubs first, tell her the truth and either she’ll be pleased and understand why I’m missing the hen do, probably will struggle on her wedding day etc. or she’ll not be very nice about it and then it says a lot about our “friendship”. This does risk her blabbing our news which is not ok, which makes me wonder if I’m better telling a different version of the truth or just pulling out without reason. I suspect whatever I do is going to get a bad reaction 😔 any advice please? x

I once pulled out of a close friend’s (overseas) hen weekend during early because of my anxiety about my early pregnancy. I paid my share etc. The friend was disappointed but accepted the decision and we remained friends.

Oh Christ, my phone freaked out there...

I don’t think you need to tell anyone tbh. I have had to avoid drinking on multiple occasions over the past few weeks and either no one questions it, I’ve blamed antibiotics or I’ve simply said I’m not in the mood. All been fine. People can have their suspicions but you don’t need to play into them.

Also at 11 weeks you won’t be showing. Bloating, sure but you won’t be actually showing. As others have said, just ask the seamstress so give a bit of room as you blot easily following heavy meals.

A friend of mine got married while pregnant so had to avoid some of her hen party activities, she still enjoyed it!

All being well the “closely monitored” (extra scans) thing doesn’t have any bearing on your attending the hen do.

If you no longer wish to attend then hen do because of feeling tired or unwell with normal pregnancy symptoms/anxious about your pregnancy or stressed due to your job and house sales, best just be honest.

I think in practice 'closely monitored' wil, translate into one extra early scan to confirm location of pregnancy (because of previous ectopic).

I hope the scan goes well today and if it does, I expect your current concerns will ebb significantly.

Well you clearly can't stand her anyway so why not do as you should have in the first place and tell her you cant be a bridesmaid?

You really don't need to tell her. You wont be significantly bigger and can simply pull out of the hen at the last minute with the uti. I wouldnt send that message. It is v ott.

What @RepealMay25th said.

Firstly, congrats on the pregnancy. You seem very excited, but try to cool it (talking from experience here) otherwise it is going to be a long 40 weeks!

Don't tell the bride. Or the seamstress. Bloating is normal in early pregnancy but it's not a bump. I bloated and showed quite early on but at 11 weeks I could still fit in my normal clothes. I think my bloating eased around 8 weeks or so.

I understand why you'd want to dip out of the hen night. Especially with the tiredness that the first trimester can bring. But honestly, avoid the steam room and Jacuzzi and enjoy all the spa treatment you can get. There wouldn't be a market for prenatal massage and spa packages if we couldn't go pregnant. I also did an 18 to 30s holiday whilst 26 weeks pregnant. You don't need to drink. Just tell them you have a uti and can't drink and leave early if needed.

Also tip, get yourself some cheap bigger bras from like Primark because your boobs will grow bigger, and bigger still if you plan on breastfeeding and the coat of bras will just be ridiculous if you are already getting new ones not long after a blue line!

Well you clearly can't stand her anyway so why not do as you should have in the first place and tell her you cant be a bridesmaid?*
*
This!

I was in the same situation- pregnant after MC and a bridesmaid. Second baby and 14 weeks at the wedding, my dress was a bit tight but manageable.
Clubbing: fine
Spa: fine, sit out the jacuzzi (UTI is the perfect excuse).
Honestly, I think you’re over reacting a bit. And just wear a normal bra and leggings for the fitting! It’s only an hour or so.

Regardless of how long you have known her, do you actually like the bride? It doesn't sound like it.

Firstly- Congratulations.

In the nicest possible way- you are pregnant, not ill.

Please don't send that message, it sounds like you are seriously ill. You can still do all the same things (obvious advice with regards to jacuzzi etc). I was out 'clubbing' with friends at 20 weeks. I just didn't drink, rested more and went home earlier (which is still way later then I could manage these days!!). You can still lead your life as normal, have the same fun etc. No cotton wool needed.

Also why the maternity bra at 5 weeks? My boobs went up to a H cup then K when breast feeding, and I wasn't in one until the end of pregnancy. Has advice changed so much over the last few years???

YippieKayakOtherBuckets Has s good point......

Well you clearly can't stand her anyway so why not do as you should have in the first place and tell her you cant be a bridesmaid?

Part of me really agrees with this - it is indeed obvious that OP dislikes the woman that she has unaccountably ended up bridesmaid to. If it was six months before the wedding then I'd definitely say this. But 6 weeks before, for someone whose worst crime is being self-absorbed and a bit of a bridezilla? I think that's cruel - and, which I imagine will matter more to OP, it will be pretty harshly judged by their mutual friends. If someone I knew dropped out of someone else's wedding because she was in the first trimester of pregnancy, I'd immediately assume she had hyperemesis. If that turned out not to be the case, I'd be horrified even if the bride was a bit of a nightmare.

But she shouldn't have said yes in the first place!

'Maternity bra' could simply mean non wired cotton bra, I changed my bras early on in each of my four pregnancies as that's what I found comfortable.

No, she absolutely shouldn't have agreed back then - but I do think it's a nasty thing to do to the bride to drop out now, after the dress is bought, and so close to the wedding, without an actual emergency coming up. I think the decent thing to do is to go through with it.

I agree - You can wear a normal bra. You just need a well fitting one. You'll be in nasty maternity bras for a long time. Enjoy your normal bras whilst you can

If someone I knew dropped out of someone else's wedding because she was in the first trimester of pregnancy, I'd immediately assume she had hyperemesis. If that turned out not to be the case, I'd be horrified even if the bride was a bit of a nightmare.

Surely you'd only be horrified if the groom failed to turn up, otherwise you'd be over reacting just a little.

'Maternity bra' could simply mean non wired cotton bra, I changed my bras early on in each of my four pregnancies as that's what I found comfortable.

But why would she need to tell the seamstress this? That's just wearing one particular style of perfectly normal bra? The whole 'the seamstress will know because of my maternity bra and jeans' seems like such manufactured drama - just wear a dress or skirt for that one day if your jeans don't fit!

Horrified was maybe a bit strong, but I would think a lot less of someone if they did that to someone they claimed to consider a friend, and I really don't think that would be an unusual reaction.

Look at the other recent thread where the OP's friend had dropped out of being her bridesmaid with vague reasons on quite a similar timescale - the general tenor of the comments was not kind to the absentee bridesmaid...

I’m currently 7 weeks pregnant, will be 12 weeks when I’m a bridesmaid for my sister.
I’m in 2 minds about whether to tell her ahead of the hen do or hope it isn’t noticed. At a wedding a week ago it was very easy to accept drinks and not drink them, refill my mum or sisters glass from mine when they looked away etc. Had a great time dancing and was just v tired the next day, Mum even asked me if I remembered one of our conversations after all the wine...!
I’ll be 12 weeks at the wedding, I’m pretty sure the dress will be fine, I’m going to get some Spanx to go under it and accept that I might be a bit uncomfortable for that afternoon/evening. I got a slight bump last time about 14-16 weeks and it’s meant to be earlier with the 2nd so the Spanx may be needed but as others have said, baby is still in your pelvis by then so no genuine bump just bloating.

Just to join in the competitive pregnancy-bridesmaiding - I was bridesmaid at 38 weeks, with a very ill pregnancy too.
I was literally the world's largest bridesmaid.

There are still plenty of things you can do re hen do without drinking, and your body at the dress fitting will be less obvious to everyone else than it seems to you. At the risk of being a mn cliche, are your health issues mh related, as you seem to be making a bigger deal out of this than it actually is?

Lisa I've been an adult bridesmaid twice and bought specific bras for each dress, being expected to wear those to fittings. Neither of which I'd have found that comfortable when pregnant.

With having to take time off from work for multiple hospital appointments and deal with the stress of three different property sales on top of that I think it's understandable OP feels she hasn't got headspace for bridesmaid commitments she might find awkward. If there are other bridesmaids her pulling out shouldn't be that big a problem, OP could pay for the dress although if it hasn't been altered yet it could be sold.

On the hen do and at the wedding it's all very well pp saying just don't drink, when pregnant with my girls I could maybe have done that but with my son between 6 and 14 weeks just the smell of alcohol (or coffee) would have made me physically sick. I wouldn't have gone anywhere near a boozy hen or wedding reception, even more so travelling away from home. Everyone's experiences are different.