I’m a Pregnant Bridesmaid - advice please!!

[Citygirl85]

Good morning ladies!! I’m a bridesmaid in May for an old school friend. She’s always been quite selfish but I’ve known her 20+ years which counts for something. Recently she’s moroged into bridezilla.

We were planning on TTC but delayed until March, even though we expected it to take a long time (6-12 months minimum) in our mid 30’s trying for our first as I only have 1 tube (historical ruptured ectopic with ex-fiancée in 2013) ... and so here I am 5 weeks pregnant after month 1 TTC having ovulated from my tubeless side.

It’s 2 days before the first dress fitting (the bride will be there), 3 weeks before the hen do (4 days away VERY boozy and I can’t do any of the activities e.g. clubbing, the spa etc.), exhausted, nauseous, selling 2 houses (completing on one in 8 days time) and buying another privately without an estate agent. I also work full time in a demanding career in financial services.

Due to my history I’m at the hospital frequently being monitored - first scan today is our 5th visit to the hospitals early pregnancy unit in a week - and am on antibiotics for a UTI which I’m prone to with stress. Things look good so far and scan today should confirm bubs is in the right place :)

Clearly, something has to give and I need to pull out of the hen do, plus I’ll need to say something to the seamstress as I’m already in maternity jeans because of bloating and a delightful maternity bra will give it away immediately.

In my heart I hope the bride would be pleased for us, but in my head I know she’s probably going to be nasty about it, and most likely not to my face which is worse - I don’t trust her to keep our secret and only parents/my best friend know at the moment. She recently ranted about “everyone announcing pregnancies on Facebook” and I know this is a touchy subject for her. Her reaction will stem from jealousy - considering my history I know the green eyed monster well - but I’ve never taken it out on other friends when they announce they’re expecting. My parents, best friend and Mr know the bride and sadly agree my concerns are not unfounded.

Naturally my instinct is to put my stress levels and the health of bubs first, tell her the truth and either she’ll be pleased and understand why I’m missing the hen do, probably will struggle on her wedding day etc. or she’ll not be very nice about it and then it says a lot about our “friendship”. This does risk her blabbing our news which is not ok, which makes me wonder if I’m better telling a different version of the truth or just pulling out without reason. I suspect whatever I do is going to get a bad reaction 😔 any advice please? x

However, I've decided this is a time in my life where I need to be selfish for the sake of both me and bubs

Also - and I promise I'm not trying to be mean here - nothing you're talking about will have the slightest impact on your baby, so please don't frame it like that. It will make you sound smug and probably will upset your friend a lot if she's already feeling very sensitive about others' pregnancies (something which I'm surprised you're not a little more sympathetic to). Pregnancy doesn't mean you no longer have to do anything you don't much fancy 'for the good of the baby'.

Oh and clubbing/spa... of course you can do those activities??!!!

Just avoid the saunas/jacuzzi and don’t get wasted!

I went to a hen do after just having come out of hospital. I just explained to the bride that I had been ill. I skipped the drinking and went back to bed a lot earlier than the others but I still went and did the spa, food, and short time in the club.

I see no reason you need to even tell her at present. You say you’ve lost a stone so that will allow growth room in the dress. 11 weeks you won’t be showing much just a little plumper than before.

Just tell her you’ve been ill / are a bit ill. Still recovering but will be there as much as you can.

In the nicest possible way, you are massively overdramatising.
I've been there with the anxiety ridden early pregnancy time (ivf), but as others have said, you are not ill, and your pregnancy can remain a priority whilst still fulfilling your role as bridesmaid.

If you are too tired/ill to go to the whole hen party, could you just join some of it?

There is no reason to disclose your pregnancy at this fitting, normal bra and a mention of your propensity for bloating at certain times of the month should mean that your dress isn't taken in too much. You will not have a bump of any sort at 11 weeks as the uterus doesn't grow above the pelvic bone before 12 weeks. Your boobs will be bigger though, so make sure you have a well fitting bra (never heard of anyone wearing a maternity bra in 1st trimester).

Please don't sent that message, it is way too dramatic and I agree that it implies that you are gravely ill.

Go and rnjoy the wedding!

Gah, enjoy!

Dude, if you sent me that message I'd think you were seriously ill and trying to shield me from it for the sake of a wedding. Like cancer diagnosis ill.

Agreed. It's massively overdramatic.

You just need to tell her about the pregnancy. Her reaction will tell you whether or not she is a genuine friend; frankly it doesn't sound like she is.

I was a 7 months pregnant bridesmaid at my sisters wedding, we were traipsing around London for the hen do and it was all totally fine. There is absolutely no need to pull out.

I do get that this must be an emotional time for you, but to give you the tough love, the world doesn't stop turning because you're pregnant. Congratulations on the pregnancy...you're far better off trying to relax and live life as normally as possible while you still can, as things will change hugely once the baby is here! If you get stressed out by this, that will stress the baby out.

Either be totally honest with her (don't tell her you're ill as it sounds dramatic and she will find out you're pregnant soon anyway!) or don't say anything at all- at 11 weeks the only obvious 'symptom' will be that you're not drinking.

I’m 100% behind you pulling out gracefully of the whole role, and I that’s just because of the house stress situation you’re in!

I’d straight out tell her it’s a complicated pregnancy, in a fragile time. That you’re concerned you won’t be able to give her your full (& deserved) attention over the next few weeks, and wanted to give her a chance to replace you.

You might have to just accept the ‘will she tell the world, and bitch about me letting her down’ risk to your friendship. Sorry, but you didn’t organise all this just to put her out. Life happens, and a bit too much life is happening to you right now.

Think of the relief when you don’t have this worry on your shoulders?

Remember that if Life allows, you can always take on other roles/tasks for her, closer to the wedding. Or she could turn out to be a decent grown woman who lessens your role with joy, cos she’s so happy for you.

More power to your arm, as they used to say, and congrats on the pregnancy!

I do disagree about telling her, unless you really want to, though. Sadly, as you know, at 5 weeks pregnant there are no guarantees and while telling those who you know will be supportive (you say you've already told your parents and best friend) is a great idea, I really wouldn't be pressured into telling people who you're not sure will be. Most people tell very few people before 12 weeks and (again, unless you're very unlucky and have very severe symptoms) manage to keep it under wraps pretty easily, I don't see any real reason to tell here.

I also concealed being PG as a bridesmaid at both the hen do (8 weeks, and vomiting a lot!) and the wedding (14 weeks) - it was a friend I cared about a lot and for lots of reasons it was important that the run up to her wedding was all about her, not all about me and my pregnancy.

I think you need to decide how important her friendship is - but it's surprisingly easy to accept drinks and just lose them without anyone noticing, wander off and throw up, go dancing and do other silly things while being sober - it just depends if you want too! Most people won't notice at all and you can just invent another UTI if you get them regularly and anyone starts asking awkward questions. Failing this a well timed bout of noro virus is probably your best option if you really can't face the hen do at all but don't want to tell the Bride why not

Make sure you get the number for the seamstress when you go to the fitting just in case - or you can take the dress elsewhere for final adjustments if you need. Mine was too tight at the boobs by 14 weeks and I rang up the seamstress in a panic claiming to have put on some weight and the bride would be furious and please please could she not tell!!

If a friend of mine that I considered a good enough friend to ask to be a bridesmaid dropped out in a dramatic fashion and I later discovered she was only pregnant I would be very hurt indeed

If you get stressed out by this, that will stress the baby out.

This really isn't true, and is only going to encourage a 'I have no ongoing responsibilities to my friend because I'm putting the baby first' attitude. I hate that women are made to feel guilty about stress in pregnancy - there's no evidence that normal levels of stress, like this (as opposed to bereavement, being in a war zone, or other extraordinary levels of stress) will do any harm at all - and as you rightly say, the best thing is if OP lives life as normally as possible (embrace the wedding as a distraction! - the first trimester goes so slowly when you're anxious after previous loss), which she can't do if she convinces herself she mustn't be put under any stress at all.

That message is completely over the top. Just tell her the truth or have the fitting and become ill for the hen. As in UTI can’t drink or stomach bug and not go at all.

If you sent me that message, and I found out a few months later that it was only because you were pregnant, I would frankly be pretty cross with you for making me worry about you.

I see that PP disagree with me but I’m personally of the opinion that if she is a close enough friend to act as her bridesmaid then she is close enough to be told about the pregnancy.

Please don't send that message.
You can still do the hen do. By then you'll probably feel better anyway.
I would tell her and ask that she keeps it quiet.
You're creating a stressful situation for yourself where you don't need to.

If she thinks you're seriously ill, which that OTT message would, then expect her to tell everyone. And if she concludes (as I would, along with other posters) that it is cancer or similarly life-limiting, your 'unfortunate news' might get a mention in the speeches.

The sort of stress that impacts pregnancy include things like being in a war zone, famine or epidemic area. A busy life isn't in the same league at all. But early pregnancy tiredness can floor you, so yes you need to find some coping mechanisms. For example it might be time to turn over the private house purchase to a solicitor.

And even though your excitement has led you to buy a maternity bra, it really isn't needed yet, so oof further early shopping trips are planned, I'd say save then for the second trimester at the earliest. You won't need maternity clothes before about 12 weeks, as any shape changing before then will be bloat (about like the worst pre-menstrual bloating that hangs around a bit longer). You only get an actual bump when the foetus grows beyond the bowl of the uterus, which does not happen in with normal development in normal singleton pregnancy until roughly 12 weeks

That is a terrible message! The tone is very dramatic and a bit hostile.

Don't worry about the bra thing - I've only recently gone into maternity bras and am overdue this baby! You really shouldn't be showing much at 11 weeks so just focus on the bits you can do - e.g., go on the hen but don't sit in the Jacuzzi etc

I understand it can be all encompassing at this stage, but honestly, enjoy the best bits of normal life as well as the best bits of pregnancy.

Agree with others. That message sounds like you will be in a coffin in no time. Melodramatic.

Your boobs may initially be tender and swollen but it settles, no way you will need to be a maternity bra for the wedding. Also you won’t be showing at 11 weeks, at all, so no point having dramas with the dress. If it is a very fitted style just say you bloat enormously at certain times of the month so factor it in. Easy.

Hens do should also be possible. Your UTI should be cleared up by then if you are on anti’s now. Just don’t drink or sit in a sauna, plenty of other things you will be able to do I’m sure and you can always make an excuse for what you can’t do. It’s one wedding and you will be so early along so I would just suck it up and go if at all possible which short of developing hyperemesis it sounds as though it is.

Six weeks before the wedding and you've yet to have the first fitting? How many bridesmaids are there?

OP, your friend isn't necessarily a bridezilla- she sounds like someone who has chosen to have a relatively low key wedding, and has a lot to do in a short amount of time.

You’re being melodramatic about this.

You don’t need a maternity bra for the wedding. You don’t need maternity clothes.

At the dress fitting say you’re having terrible bloating and get it factored into the fitting.

For the hen do just don’t sit in the sauna or jacuzzi. You can have a massage and sit around on loungers and have a swim.

Get a round in at the club early and buy yourself a soda and lime. Ditch any alcoholic drinks that get bought for you. Ask for another soda and lime from someone who won’t ask questions.

My boobs are huge in my first couple of weeks. They'll go down. I think you need to remember a lot of people carry on with life as normal in the first few weeks so I think you'll have a few bemused faces when they find out your reason for letting your friend down.

Maybe you shouldn't have spent the first part of your post putting her down either!

Also agree that if you’re close enough to be a BM you’re close enough to talk about your early stage pg and ask her to keep it super secret.

How much of this is wedding/other stuff going on related, and how much is stress due to the previous ectopic?
I was 5 weeks at the hen do, and no-one knew (post ectopic and tube removal - I didn't even know if the pregnancy was viable), and then bridesmaid at 14 weeks. No dress alterations needed, but it was snug!
But those 2 weeks between getting a positive test, and getting a scan confirming the location of the pregnancy were pretty hellish. I hope today's scan brings good news, and a big reduction in stress levels.

Please don't send that message, she'll think you're dying!

If you want to pull out of the hen do because you're poorly with a bad UTI then that's fair enough. The stuff about "putting bubs first" doesn't really apply though as you're not putting baby at risk by going on a hen do at 5 weeks, you could just not drink! The UTI is a perfectly valid reason in itself. Bride may not like it but she'll cope. Just tell her you're not going and get it over with.

As for the wedding itself, the thing in your message where you "give her the option" of not having you as a bridesmaid is really transparent. It makes it very obvious that you want to pull out but instead of being honest about it and owning the decision you're putting it onto the bride to sack you. That's not fair on her, bridezilla or not.
If you don't want to be her bridesmaid then you just need to tell her, without the cryptic references to ill health or the excuses about not fitting into your dress, which is overwhelmingly unlikely to be an issue at 11 weeks. Just explain that you have a lot going on at the moment with work, house situation etc and are feeling stressed and overwhelmed. If she gets the hump, then that's a shame but it's not the end of the world.

I don’t think you're being melodramatic. Considering your previous obstetric history, your stressful job and the multiple house sales you're dealing with it's vital you put yourself and your health first. There are other bridesmaids who will be in more of a position to support the bride on the day and what I think gets lost on these threads is that the only person who it really matters takes part in the ceremony is her DH to be!

I wouldn't send the message you posted, I do understand the wish to keep your pregnancy private until after 12 weeks but I think in this instance you should tell the bride the truth as to why you're pulling out. 'I'm not ready to announce it to everyone yet but I'm pregnant, it's early days and I need to be closely monitored due to my previous history.'

Hope it's all good news at your scan today OP

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