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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset?

86 replies

Smokedcheesenham · 10/04/2018 01:10

I went on a night out with friends and their boyfriends. One of the girls who I am very close to is model stunning and tanned and beautiful. I am pretty but have gained weight, shorterand was feeling insecure. I might have heard wrong but think I overheard her new boyfriend telling her how she was the best of the group? Ie me and my girlfriends, her closest friends. While it goes without saying he would think this, I think it’s low to pit us against each other when it’s just a fun night.

OP posts:
Catspaws · 11/04/2018 13:27

All you (think you) heard is a man telling his partner that he thinks she's the most beautiful of her friends. While it's not the nicest thing for you to overhear, it wasn't meant for your ears and there is nothing cruel about what he said. He wasn't commenting on any of the rest of you - only the fact that he thinks his partner is the best looking.

It's a totally reasonable thing for him to think and say, it's just a shame you overheard it. I wouldn't let it bother you if you can help it.

Lacucuracha · 11/04/2018 13:34

I think it’s low to pit us against each other when it’s just a fun night.

He was not pitting you against each other. He didn't tell the group that she is the best, or tell her that she needs to be the best, did he?

And did you just overhear 'best'? Maybe he didn't even mean that she was the best looking?

thebewilderness · 11/04/2018 18:54

Your post states that you don’t think any comment on someone’s physical presentation is a compliment.
Not quite.
I do not consider sharing an unsolicited opinion on how a person compares to the rest of their group to be a compliment.

You inserted a rather silly comparison to your children in this discussion to move the goal posts, not I.
Then telling me what I think and moving the goal posts all over the field so that you can tell me not to be silly? Srsly?
I understand that it is perfectly acceptable in society to judge children and adults on how they look and for people to share their judgment with the people being judged. I agree that we make judgments daily on a variety of matters. That does not change the simple fact that sharing an unsolicited opinion on a persons looks is a dominance display whether it is a compliment or an insult.

Copperbonnet · 11/04/2018 19:25

I do not consider an unsolicited comment on how someone else compares to the rest of their group to be a compliment

Thank you for the clarification Bewilderness that might be what you meant but that’s not actually quite the same as what you said in your post at 05:18 which is why I framed my response as I did.

And as far as “moving the goal posts all over the field” by “inserting a silly reference to my children”, this is what I actually said:

I make positive comments about my friends, children, family members and DH’s physical appearance quite regularly.

I didn’t only mention my children, I mentioned a number of close personal relationships which might be considered as similar in emotional nature to bf/gf. You were the one that picked out my children as the focus of that list.

I didn’t “tell you what you think” I responded to you, quoting your own words. I’m rather at a loss to understand why that should offend you.

That does not change the simple fact that sharing an unsolicited opinion on a person’s looks is a dominance display

It is not a “fact”. It is your opinion. One that no one else on this thread has agreed with on the evidence given.

It may be a dominance act in certain circumstances, one of which I gave an example of in an earlier post on this thread.

I see however little basis for insisting that the behaviour described in the OP was a dominance display.

Dominance behaviour in humans is far more complex that that and all sorts of other factors need to be considered. The literature in this area is actually very interesting.

I see that my use of the word silly has upset you. This was the comment I referred to as silly:

Do you actually tell your child that they are more attractive than their siblings

Given that not one but two other posters immediately jumped in to point out the ridiculousness of this suggestion I do feel that it was a legitimate use of the word.

thebewilderness · 11/04/2018 21:00

I see that my use of the word silly has upset you.
Not really. It just seemed like more projection to me.
Now I am just bored with these logical fallacies you use as arguments so I am going to hide the thread, but go off, I guess.

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 11/04/2018 21:22

Now I am just bored with these logical fallacies you use as arguments so I am going to hide the thread, but go off, I guess.

Now you've made valid points a shown me right up so I'm flouncing off the thread.

Fixed that for you Grin

Certcert · 11/04/2018 21:39

One of the girls who I am very close to is model stunning and tanned and beautiful. I am pretty but have gained weight, shorterand was feeling insecure.

Of course he is going to think that, and by your post, it seems that you think it too.

Copperbonnet · 11/04/2018 22:05

Thank you Buzz GrinFlowers

Speaking of “logical fallacies” my use of the word “silly” was me projecting?

Goodness. Wink

Well I’m pleased that Bewilderness wasn’t upset and I wish her well.

Winchester13 · 11/04/2018 23:37

I don’t think you should be upset about it, it just sounds like something a nice boyfriend would say to his girlfriend.

FASH84 · 11/04/2018 23:44

Now if it was YOUR boyfriend who told her she was hottest you might have something to raise an eyebrow at. YABU

user1467232073 · 11/04/2018 23:53

As long as it’s not your boyfriend who said it you have nothing to worry about

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