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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset?

86 replies

Smokedcheesenham · 10/04/2018 01:10

I went on a night out with friends and their boyfriends. One of the girls who I am very close to is model stunning and tanned and beautiful. I am pretty but have gained weight, shorterand was feeling insecure. I might have heard wrong but think I overheard her new boyfriend telling her how she was the best of the group? Ie me and my girlfriends, her closest friends. While it goes without saying he would think this, I think it’s low to pit us against each other when it’s just a fun night.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 10/04/2018 18:06

It's a male dominance display when a man announces to other people, who don't actually care, that his female partner is sexier than other women/other men's partners.
It's a male dominance display when a man offers his opinion of a woman's appearance when she doesn't know him and is not interested in having any kind of interaction with him.

It's not a dominance display for one partner to say to the other 'You're the sexiest person here' when it is said with affection and privately. OP should perhaps not waggle her ears in the direction of conversation that is not meant for her.

BlondeB83 · 10/04/2018 18:43

You sound insecure and jealous of your friend's good looks and of her boyfriend! YABU!

Bambamber · 10/04/2018 18:50

My husband always tells me I'm the most beautiful person in the room (especially when knows I'm feeling self conscious). I honestly thought it was normal for partner to say things like this. It's not meant to put other people down, it's just a way of showing a little appreciation and for me it really helps me with my confidence. Doesn't mean no one else there is beautiful, Just in his eyes you are extra special

LeighaJ · 10/04/2018 18:57

YABVU and trying to make your own issues with how you feel about yourself, other people's problem.

He thinks she's the best that's why he's dating her and not someone else, how is this offensive?

A few months back my husband saw a picture of my ex's new partner and said to me "Wow, what a downgrade." in reference to her looks compared to mine. I guess if someone had overhead that private comment to me then I should expect he'd be labelled a dbag too?! 🙄

SoyDora · 10/04/2018 19:00

It would be more weird if he’d told her she wasn’t the best looking, and that he preferred one of the rest of you!
I get it’s not a nice thing to hear but the fact is that you weren’t meant to hear it. Therefore it wasn’t intended to hurt you, it was intended to compliment her.

MorningsEleven · 10/04/2018 19:05

Fuck a duck! You've taken oversensitive to a whole new level.

OohMavis · 10/04/2018 19:05

My DH tells me that I'm the most beautiful woman in the room sometimes. He doesn't mean that the other women are disgustingly ugly, he's just paying me a compliment and it's never actually true.

You're letting your insecurities dictate how you're feeling about this. If you were comfy in your skin right now, I doubt this would bother you.

In the nicest possible way, get a grip Flowers

NorthernKnickers · 10/04/2018 19:05

Here's a grip...take hold 🙄 (YAB fucking ridiculous!)

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 10/04/2018 19:07

My boyfriend says I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.

He is insulting you all.

I don't even think he's sorry Grin

ibetyoulookgoodonthedancefloor · 10/04/2018 19:10

Really? Grow up!!

RepealMay25th · 10/04/2018 19:12

He’s a really nice guy so I was shocked. I’m really hoping I heard wrong

You're shocked and upset that a man tells his new girlfriend that he likes her more than other girls? And you aren't even sure that he even said it?

Could you possibly be any less reasonable?

Fibbertigibbet · 10/04/2018 19:17

I hope all of my friends end up with a partner who thinks they are the most beautiful in the room, and that they make them feel the most beautiful in the room, too.

SilverySurfer · 10/04/2018 19:20

Hold the front page! Bloke tells girl friend she's the best! Isn't that normal? Had you been with a boyfriend, wouldn't you have expect him to say the same to you?

You are being ridiculous and in no way way was he 'pitting' her against her friends, just doing and saying what couples do.

Time to grow up.

thebewilderness · 11/04/2018 01:54

Men judging women's looks and sharing their judgment with the woman they are with is perfectly normal and not at all judgemental or an exercise of dominance. Srsly?
I wonder why women don't do that?

Yarboosucks · 11/04/2018 02:03

My DH regularly told me he got the best of our circle of friends…. He still seems pretty pleased too!

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 11/04/2018 05:09

@thebewilderness I do! I'm a woman and always tell my my DP he is the most handsome man in the room, yea that's me just displaying my alpha female "dominance" 🙄. there's absolutely nothing wrong with complimenting your partner ! We are all (hopefully ) with our other halfs because we think they are the best! Looks wise and everything else. Get a grip

thebewilderness · 11/04/2018 05:18

I understand that a lot of people think being judged, whether you asked their opinion or not, is a compliment.
I simply disagree.

TheHulksPurplePants · 11/04/2018 05:49

Holy Shit! boyfriend tells girlfriend she's sexier than her friends!!! Hold my coffee while I call the Daily Mail. This is front page news for sure!!!

Biscuit
Copperbonnet · 11/04/2018 05:51

So Bewilderness if someone looks at you and thinks “what a pretty woman” and tells you “you look nice” you do don’t think that’s a compliment? Hmm

I make positive comments about my friends, children, family members and DH’s physical appearance quite regularly.

So do most people, it’s perfectly normal behaviour for both men and women.

thebewilderness · 11/04/2018 05:58

Do you actually tell your child that they are more attractive than their siblings or their friends, Copperbonnet? Do you do it in front of the others?
I find that hard to accept.

NorthernKnickers · 11/04/2018 07:20

@thebewilderness Telling one sibling they are better/more loved than another sibling is NO COMPARISON WHATSOEVER here 🙄. Telling ALL your children that you love them more than ANY OTHER CHILDREN IN THE WORLD, is, I think, the comparison you're after (and, of course, perfectly ok!). Happy to help.

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 11/04/2018 07:50

Do you actually tell your child that they are more attractive than their siblings or their friends, Copperbonnet? Do you do it in front of the others?

Yes, this is exactly the same as a boyfriend telling a girlfriend, in a private conversation, that she is the most gorgeous Hmm

Copperbonnet · 11/04/2018 12:52

Thank you to Northern and Buzz for jumping in with a little sense. Flowers

Bewilderness my last post was in response to this comment:

I understand that a lot of people think being judged, whether you asked their opinion or not, is a compliment.
I simply disagree.

Your post states that you don’t think any comment on someone’s physical presentation is a compliment.

We all make judgements about other people appearance all the time it’s disingenuous to suggest that we don’t.

Some of those judgements might be “he looks dodgy I’ll cross the road/sit somewhere else” and others might be “Bewilderness looks really great today, that new hair style really suits her”.

Judgement of our fellow human beings is natural and constant - you do it without thinking about it.

I see nothing wrong with a man whispering to his girlfriend that she’s prettier than anyone else. I’ve done just the same to my DH.

I tell my friends, my Mum, my siblings, my MIL etc when they look especially nice. That’s a “judgement” too.

And yes, I tell my children that they are gorgeous/wonderful/lovely on a regular basis. It’s pretty normal.

I may even have also told them they are eg the prettiest girl/most handsome boy in the room on occasion.

And if anyone overheard that bit of parental confidence building, even another child, I would be utterly stunned if they were offended.

Because it’s a completely normal and ordinary thing to say.

But no, to put you mind at rest I don’t line my children up and carry out a detailed and soul destroying comparison of their attributes. Hmm

Don’t be so silly.

DownWithThatSortofTing · 11/04/2018 12:54

I wonder why women don't do that?

They do. Hmm

If someone says to you "you look nice" do you shriek "how dare you judge me you pig!" at them?

MorningsEleven · 11/04/2018 13:17

@Buzzlightyearsbumchin

I am so discusted by your boyfriend! I am fummin! I had to put a cryptic meme on Facebook about haterz so my friends cud comment "R U OK hun?" I'm bizzy PMing them now. 😂