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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sex when you’re poorly

104 replies

NotUmbongoUnchained · 09/04/2018 21:43

If your partner was ill (not contagiously ill) but just pretty much flipped out in bed for 4 days and asked for sex, would you do it?

Would it make you feel a bit “rapey”?
Or would it be fine because they asked.

OP posts:

nursy1 · 09/04/2018 22:10

My dh always feels like sex when in bed poorly. I think it’s because he’s in bed and he’s bored so what else to do???
Thing is I usually get the same cold or whatever and it has the opposite effect on me.

WhaleTasting · 09/04/2018 22:13

If they are up to that they were up to getting out of bed to help with stuff.

Dh always gets a bit amorous when he's off ill. I think it's boredom and finally being well rested (not much sleep in this house). The most memorable time was just after he had a vasectomy! I was terrified I'd break him.

Catspaws · 09/04/2018 22:13

I don't think you understand what rape is if you're able to confuse it with having sex with a person who asked for sex...

Unless they're so ill that they are actually delirious and therefore incapable of consent of course it isn't 'rapey' to have sex with them if they ask. That said, I wouldn't because germs. But each to their own.

WhaleTasting · 09/04/2018 22:17

I don't think you understand what rape is if you're able to confuse it with having sex with a person who asked for sex...

I donlt think people are being fair on the OP. I've seen it used on MN for men and no one has been rude, it means someone being a creep or a sex pest. It's not making light of rape but pointing out the additional not as obvious times when sex itsn' right.

If a woman for example asked for sex hours after giving birth, she's asked but is it right to have sex with her when you know you could cause serious health issues?

Original poster

NotUmbongoUnchained · 09/04/2018 22:17

I’m the poorly one. Somehow, my body has got the horn despite the fact I can barely move!
Husband has denied my request.

OP posts:

BettyBettyBetty · 09/04/2018 22:23

I always get the horn when poorly!

Original poster

NotUmbongoUnchained · 09/04/2018 22:24

betty me too! I have no idea why.

OP posts:

snowagain · 09/04/2018 22:24

'Rapey' is such a horrid word.

And I agree that to suggest someone asking for sex when their partner isn't up for it, is 'rapey,' is just fucking ludicrous.

Original poster

NotUmbongoUnchained · 09/04/2018 22:25

He didn’t call me rapey

He said he would feel rapey.
I am a woman who has been raped before, I’m not offended that he said that to me.

OP posts:

snowagain · 09/04/2018 22:27

Doesn't matter who said it, it's still a horrid word, and anyone asking for sex is not 'rapey!' What a very odd thing for your husband to say.

BrashCandicoot · 09/04/2018 22:30

I don't have sex if I'm ill or DH is ill. If I'm ill enough to be ill, I'm likely not feeling up for the sex, if DH is ill he can keep his germs to himself. DH did once suggest it when I wasn't right - he was told no, but the laugh I got from him asking cheered me up a bit.

Tinkobell · 09/04/2018 22:30

Yep. If that's what they're asking for then, only happy to help 😀. More "get well soon" than the rapey thing you suggest, that's not nice.

Original poster

NotUmbongoUnchained · 09/04/2018 22:31

Omg he didn’t call me rapey.

OP posts:

AndhowcouldIeverrefuse · 09/04/2018 22:32

Sorry I don't like having sex with an ill DH. He feels all hot and sickly to the touch and sometimes looks more ill after sex.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 09/04/2018 22:32

My DP and I have both had sex when we felt crap. Often it helps, probably the endorphins or something? In fact yesterday he was in absolute agony with his back, couldn’t do anything except lay down all day so I made it a bit more interesting for him. Nowt wrong with that.

WhaleTasting · 09/04/2018 22:34

What a very odd thing for your husband to say.

It's not though. Even a previous female poster said she felt guilty the next day. If you have sex with someone who isn't mentally at their best, it you have to question consent and also if you're happy to risk someone's health. See my previous question, is this OK?
If a woman for example asked for sex hours after giving birth, she's asked but is it right to have sex with her when you know you could cause serious health issues?

I'd see a man who had sex with a woman as "rapey" in those circumstances as he knowingly risked his wife's health while her hormones are all over the place and isn't thinking straight, though I doubt he'd meet the legal requirements for being a rapist.

Also what her husband said to her and the language you use in private doesn't always translate to a forum post does it?

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 09/04/2018 22:35

I don’t even think about sex when I’m ill... we try to stay away from each other so the other doesn’t catch it. No kissing hugging etc... plus DP has a crap immune system so catches everything twice as quickly

Original poster

NotUmbongoUnchained · 09/04/2018 22:35

I look a lot worse than i am, which I think is what’s putting him off.

When I asked he said “You look like you need a priest not a penis.”

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/04/2018 22:35

He said he would feel rapey. even though op suggested sex she was so unwell he felt it was wrong.

I imagine you’re not looking at your finest OP.

WhaleTasting · 09/04/2018 22:36

Omg he didn’t call me rapey.

I think people are purposely ignoring that so they can jump on to the moral outrage pile on.

WHich is ironic because it's a person who is clearly worried more that the majority about crossing boundries.

Original poster

NotUmbongoUnchained · 09/04/2018 22:37

I look awful

I’m not contagious though. Thought I’d try my luck. Wasn’t sure if I was being unreasonable for asking in the first place that’s why I posted.

OP posts:

snowagain · 09/04/2018 22:38

I am not jumping on any moral outrage bandwagon.

I am just reacting/responding to the OP drip feeding and adding stuff to the plot to suit..

killinginthenameof · 09/04/2018 22:40

Oh ffs get over yourselves, falling over yourselves to take offence, op has explained the context and in context it sounds completely fine in rl as opposed to the hysteria on here

geekone · 09/04/2018 22:41

Good god, rapey although not a great turn of phrase is used in the US a lot in podcasts and pop culture that lets oks st to and movies from the 80s and 90s (see the Gilmore guys) l. Stop taking offence at random words.

OP yes I get it he is worried you won't remember maybe or that you are weaker and so not really in your right mind.

Original poster

NotUmbongoUnchained · 09/04/2018 22:41

well you don’t have to be here you know...

OP posts:

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