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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL letting themselves in

62 replies

AccioPizza · 09/04/2018 18:01

I really feel uncomfortable that my in laws let themselves into our home with a key (which is supposed to be for emergencies!) when visiting us but don't know if IABU?

It's honestly not personal to them as we get on fine, I just don't like that they just come in without knocking or anything - sometimes it's given me a fright when I don't hear the door unlocking and other times they've almost caught me in the bathroom Blush

I don't want them to feel unwelcome and get the feeling it's the norm where they live (amongst family members anyway) as it's more rural whereas we live in a city.

They were visiting over the weekend and did it again and I tried to make a joke of it "oh you frightened me, haha" but I think I need to be very clear and say politely but firmly that I'd rather they rang the bell so we can let them in - that isn't too rude is it?

OP posts:
Bluelady · 09/04/2018 18:03

Not t even remotely rude. It would piss me off no end. Change the locks.

Bunchofdaffodils · 09/04/2018 18:03

Say it! I hate that too.

DeathStare · 09/04/2018 18:05

What do you mean by visiting you?

If you mean just popping in for a brief visit then YANBU and I'd ask for the key back.

If you mean they are staying with you and use the key when they pop out then I think YABU.

PinkAvocado · 09/04/2018 18:05

This is the second thread I’ve read in 24 hours where parents have let themselves in! It’s not ok of course-I would say that I don’t like it but if they think it’s ok then I’m sure they’ll be offended somehow.

Efferlunt · 09/04/2018 18:06

Bit drastic but my friend got out of the shower wearing a tiny towel and came across her FIL who had let himself.

They stopped letting themselves in after that.

SubtitlesOn · 09/04/2018 18:08

Get a chain put on the door and use it as soon as you come indoors

MammaAgata · 09/04/2018 18:11

I think it’s so rude! My friend has this with her Mum (but there are much wider issues, this is the tip of the iceberg). She has a key and just sails round, whenever she feels like it and let’s herself in, whether my friend is at home or not. Then stands in the lounge yelling that she’s arrived, going into gd’s bedroom and pulling their quilts off them if they are still asleep (children are 15ish when she last did that). My friend has sometimes been in the bath or shower etc. I would be horrified if someone, who didn’t live in my home just let themselves in, whoever they were and what was the norm for them. It’s not the norm for me and it’s my house. I would have to say it outright tbh.

Grenoble124 · 09/04/2018 18:11

My in laws do this. Drives me mad. We live around the corner. I will never get used to it. The door has to be specifically locked and sometimes it is not so they just use the handle. It used to be worse they used to look in window. That stopped but didn't go down well. They still come in knocking on way. I hate it but left it too long when we moved in. Thank God we are only renting here!

CuntPuffin · 09/04/2018 18:12

When MIL comes to stay, I have asked her to knock when she first arrives as I also hate someone just appearing in my house. Thereafter, I don't care, she can come and go as I know she is in the vicinity.

grasspigeons · 09/04/2018 18:16

I grew up in a family where everyone on both sides do this
so my parents and my in laws do the same to my home. The running joke is to shout 'burglars' as you come in.

I just have the master bedroom as a no-go zone for anyone and have had some boundary issues with MIL over that one so I get if you boundary is your home its a problem as you probably feel about your home like I do my bedroom.

eggcellent · 09/04/2018 18:16

That is weird, especially if you clearly stated that the key is for emergencies? Get your DH to have a word, this is his problem.

Original poster
AccioPizza · 09/04/2018 18:18

They do this when they are staying with us - I agree it's ok if they are popping in and out once they're here and this isn't such a big deal, but they actually do this when they first arrive!

I'm liking the chain suggestion and have a little towel on standby for more drastic measures if they don't listen Grin

OP posts:
DairyisClosed · 09/04/2018 18:19

Why not just keep the door on the chain? Surely they will stop doing it then.

SerenDippitty · 09/04/2018 18:19

It’s your home. Giving them a spare key for emergencies does not equate to giving them carte blanche to let themselves in whenever they feel like it.

Do you have a key to their house?

PistFump · 09/04/2018 18:22

I feel very contrasted on this - when I was a kid my nan and grandad used to leave a key in the front door all day so people could just come and go as they pleased and that seems really lovely looking back on it now, but these days when my inlaws turn up unexpexted and waltz in to the house without knocking it really fucking gets my back up...

Confusedbeetle · 09/04/2018 18:23

Easy, put the door on a chain " for your own security" then you can let them in.

PotterGrangerWeasley · 09/04/2018 18:26

In my family it is normal to let ourselves in to each others houses, but only if the door is open. If it is locked, we all knock and wait - I would never unlock it myself.
Speak to them and explain that you prefer that they don't walk in. Hopefully they stop.

KalindaBlack · 09/04/2018 18:28

I was going to say get a chain, but I see others have already suggested that Smile

OriginalGeordie · 09/04/2018 18:32

I would pretend to lose your key and ask for it back then never get around to replacing theirs.

MrsSteptoe · 09/04/2018 18:34

Someone else did say this, but just reiterating: if I were in your position, I would be telling asking DH to have The Conversation. If it were my parents, it'd be my job.

backsackcraic · 09/04/2018 18:35

Do you ring the doorbell at their house, or just walk in? Perhaps the boundaries are blurred but it's worth trying to change things.

WorldofTofuness · 09/04/2018 18:38

Surprised no-one has suggested developing an enthusiasm for swinging/bondage yet...Grin

cloudyweewee · 09/04/2018 18:41

I would hate it. My mum has a key to my house for emergencies, but seeing as how she's 85 and pretty immobile, she won;t be letting herself in anytime soon. I have a spare key to my sister's house and she's told me to just let myself in and not even bother knocking. I still feel cheeky for doing that. I also have a key to my brother's flat, as he is in supported living and has a mild learning disability. He would be quite happy i think for me to let myself in, but I never do.

CotswoldStrife · 09/04/2018 18:42

I think you are being a little unreasonable as they are coming round to stay and are expected. I can see why you don't want them to just let themselves in but it's not like they just called round - they are going to stay with you and you know they are coming round.

That's completely different to someone arriving unexpectedly when you are in the shower IMO!

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/04/2018 18:47

You may be right that it's the norm in the area - I had to pick something up from a farm - I didn't know the farmer, had spoken once on the phone. When I got there, there was no-one around, so I left empty handed - farmer was astonished, said he'd left it on the dining room table for me, and couldn't understand why I hadn't just opened the door and looked around for it.

So yes, you need to make your rules clear, but in a way that doesn't imply that they should have known that they were out of order. I don't think they were being deliberately rude.

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