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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL letting themselves in

62 replies

AccioPizza · 09/04/2018 18:01

I really feel uncomfortable that my in laws let themselves into our home with a key (which is supposed to be for emergencies!) when visiting us but don't know if IABU?

It's honestly not personal to them as we get on fine, I just don't like that they just come in without knocking or anything - sometimes it's given me a fright when I don't hear the door unlocking and other times they've almost caught me in the bathroom Blush

I don't want them to feel unwelcome and get the feeling it's the norm where they live (amongst family members anyway) as it's more rural whereas we live in a city.

They were visiting over the weekend and did it again and I tried to make a joke of it "oh you frightened me, haha" but I think I need to be very clear and say politely but firmly that I'd rather they rang the bell so we can let them in - that isn't too rude is it?

OP posts:
TrickyD · 09/04/2018 18:47

We have a key to DS2's house, but don't use it unless we are expected or have rung him to say we will pop in.

On the other hand... he has a key to our house and comes and goes whenever he wants and without warning.

I suspect it works like this for a lot of parents.

BeyondThePage · 09/04/2018 18:48

We are fine with it - if we were "busy" the door would be locked and the key left in anyhow, so no-one can come in when we are in the shower, or whatever.

And - if the OP has a problem, (lots of "I feel...", "I don't like..." in the OP, not "we") - the OP can deal with it, why the heck should the DH be told to deal with it.

Juells · 09/04/2018 18:49

My sister and I live close to each other, and have keys to each others houses, but I always ring her bell to be let in. She texts me from outside to let me know she's there before letting herself in. I wouldn't like anyone just letting themselves in without a howdedo.

Have you a burglar alarm? I'd set the alarm if I knew they were about to descend and let themselves in, that'd scare the bejaysus out of them Grin

Juells · 09/04/2018 18:51

And - if the OP has a problem, (lots of "I feel...", "I don't like..." in the OP, not "we") - the OP can deal with it, why the heck should the DH be told to deal with it.

Why should she? It's his parents who are being intrusive, he should deal with it.

marymoosmum · 09/04/2018 18:52

Tbf we just walk in at both my parents nd my PIL's although they do usually know we are going. I would at least say "can you please knock on the door or ring the bell before you let yourself in to let us know you are there, or just wait for us to open it to you, as I would hate for you to catch me getting out of the shower"

Queenofthestress · 09/04/2018 18:55

Our family and friends have the policy of if the doors open come in, if it's locked you knock 😂

MimpiDreams · 09/04/2018 18:57

YANBU

My dad used to do this and it freaked me out no end. The final straw was when he won some money on a sweep stake at work and kindly decided to let himself in and leave it as a surprise for me. On my bedside table. On his way home from a night shift. I was living alone after escaping an violent abusive marriage and it never occurred to him that creeping round my bedroom in the middle of the night might not be the best idea. I woke up to a huge shadow looming over me and all I can say is that he's lucky I didn't kill him. I don't mean that figuratively, I mean literally. The blind rage did give me the courage to demand my keys back there and then. So not all bad.

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 09/04/2018 18:59

My mum lets herself in my house, I don't mind at all, I know she's coming and she always finds me immediately to say hi. Sometimes she does it to creep in if I'm having a rest and does the dishes. I'm not complaining!

AhNowTed · 09/04/2018 19:02

3 parties have keys to our house.

2 x neighbours for the Alarm. They wouldn't dream of letting themselves in unless it's for the alarm.

1 x friend/cleaner. On cleaning days he lets himself in (of course). For social visits he rings the bell.

When relatives visit we give them a key so they can come and go while they're staying with us.

Otherwise, no way would I be happy with people just letting themselves in.

SlothMama · 09/04/2018 19:12

I'd take the key off them, my FIL will not be getting a key to my new house. He turns up at SILs house, waits for her to come home and expects to be fed. It'd drive me mad!

NanooCov · 09/04/2018 19:23

My MIL lets herself in so as not to wake the baby knocking. I always know roughly when she'll arrive though. I'm fine with it. We have a key for their place and let ourselves in too.

Pinkprincess1978 · 09/04/2018 19:28

My ils do this too but I don't mind as it saves me getting up to the door 😛

To be fair though their visits are almost always expected so they don't take me by surprise.

The only time she did was when mil let her self in through the night (fil taken to hospital and they live 15 miles away and we are only a couple of miles from the hospital). I didn't mind be she did get flashed as I got up and nighty had become tucked under belly (I had just given birth) so my lady parts were all on display 😳

Bluetrews25 · 09/04/2018 20:08

Just get in the habit of doing a really loud, theatrically enhanced scream when they take you by 'surprise'. Scare the shite out of them! Do it every time they don't ring/knock.

Juells · 09/04/2018 20:13

Just get in the habit of doing a really loud, theatrically enhanced scream when they take you by 'surprise'. Scare the shite out of them! Do it every time they don't ring/knock.

Good one Grin

gryffen · 09/04/2018 20:22

Hubby and I live around corner from his parents and his Brother and wife but I point blank took my key back off them when I caught FIL sneaking about our house taking photos.

We have a young child and he thought he could just walk in- that stopped bloody quickly when I nearly whacked him with a baseball bat across the face.

We have spare keys for the other two houses but we still knock then enter the house- he just walks in and daughter would walk with him.

Your not being unreasonable - your safety and security so get key back and then sit down with hubby and discuss.

Mycatsarebetterthanyours · 09/04/2018 20:27

My MIL used to do this before we took her key away. She let herself in one time when she wasn't expecting me to be in and got a bit shirty with me when I (rightly so) was startled and taken by surprise to the point she accused me of having another man in the house because she thought I was acting strangely.

After that I made sure the chain was always on when I was at home and then got the key off her.

Mycatsarebetterthanyours · 09/04/2018 20:28

Why was he taking photos, @gryffen?! 😱

DrunkOnCalpol · 09/04/2018 20:29

Do they do this when arriving at a pre agreed time? If so I think that's fine. If they're coming round when you don't expect them then yes it's very rude to let themselves in. I always leave the door unlocked when I'm expecting my parents and they walk straight in but they only come round when we've agreed a time.

MaisyPops · 09/04/2018 20:31

My IL let themselves in. They call earlier and see if we're free after lunch/can they come and pick up something in 10 mins. If wr are they come round and let themselves in. I prefer that than having to stop what I'm doing/ come in from the garden in case they arrive.
We do the same to them.

Now if it was entirely unannounced then I'd not be happy.

Chewandswallow · 09/04/2018 20:31

This would really piss me off. How would they like it if you did the same to them.

NC4Now · 09/04/2018 20:31

My mum does this. It drives me mad. I took her key off her when we had an ‘emergency’ and DS needed a spare.
Now we keep a key in the key safe for emergencies, and lock the door from the inside.
I don’t knock at hers though, as it’s my childhood home, so I feel a bit hypocritical getting annoyed by it.

NC4Now · 09/04/2018 20:33

She calls round unannounced too, even though it’s a half hour drive away.

Boundaries are a bit of an issue, clearly.

CantChoose · 09/04/2018 20:34

My dad does this but he knocks first. He waits for about thirty seconds then lets himself in. I don't really mind and he would never come round without calling first so I'm expecting him.
I would just tell them it startles you so could they knock first. If they don't manage it get a chain Grin

PrincessScarlett · 09/04/2018 20:35

When we got a new door and changed the locks we never gave in-laws new key as they used to do this all the time and it pissed me off no end. Particularly as they would rifle through our stuff when we were not here.

BackforGood · 09/04/2018 20:36

YANBU to not want anyone who doesn't live in your house to just walk in.
I would find that incredibly rude - it really crosses a line for me.

That said, I've been on MN long enough to have discovered for some people, it is normal and acceptable.

So YABU to "hint". You need to just say to them "I unever you want to phrase that, but, I find it really unnerving to have people just letting themselves into my house, even if we are expecting them. Can I ask you just to keep our key for emergencies and ring the bell when you come here please, just like we ring the bell when we visit you. Thanks for understanding that it isn't personal, it applies to everyone."

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