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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask her dog to stay away?

87 replies

Knitjob · 09/04/2018 14:52

I'm in Starbucks having a coffee. Sitting at a table for 4 waiting for a friend.
A woman with a big retriever type dog comes in and sits at the table for 4 beside me, on the side beside me so we are right next to each other.
I don't like dogs so I slid along the bench so I was at the other side of my table from the dog.
The dog then curled itself up under my table with its head on my bag.
I said "Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm not very good with dogs. Would you mind keeping your dog under your table? Sorry, I know it's a bit pathetic of me."
She said "what is your problem? Dogs are allowed here you know. Do you want me to get the staff over?"
I said no it's fine, but could the dog maybe lie under your table?
After much huffing and puffing she eventually moved the dog.
WIBU? I don't think so but maybe I was?

OP posts:
TomRavenscroft · 09/04/2018 16:21

Oh, that's really bolshy and unpleasant and I say that as someone who loves dogs and would probably try to make friends with it Grin

BuntyII · 09/04/2018 16:23

I'd have apologised and moved the dog but secretly I'd be thinking you aren't my kind of person Blush

AlpacaBag · 09/04/2018 16:25

Ooooh no you were very polite, the other lady sounds so rude! Personally I LOVE dogs BUT I don't particularly want them where I'm eating, and my husband is a huge dog lover but he is allergic so dog friendly places aren't ideal for us. You had every right to say what you did and the dog lady responded very rudely, we all have a preference and are allowed to air it! xxx

AdoraBell · 09/04/2018 16:34

YANBU. The dog owner was rude. I’m a dog owner and if my dogs are encroaching on someone else’s space I pull them back.

Personwithhorse · 09/04/2018 16:34

Lots of country pubs around here allow dogs - can’t see what the problem is - don’t go there if you don’t like it. We go to them and spend a lot. Avoid places that allow screaming kids however...

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 09/04/2018 16:37

Of course yanbu op. I'm a dog owner and my hound just loves people and attention but I fully understand not everyone loves him back so I keep him under close watch. She was unpleasant and rude.

However I do think you saying "Sorry, I know it's a bit pathetic of me." is a bit U - why do you need to apologise and put yourself down? That is rather putting yourself in a weak position and people with an aggressive or bullying or I'm always right attitude will immediately pick up on your "doormat" attitude and come at you with both barrels as you've already put yourself in the "victim/blameworthy/in the wrong" category. You could practise making polite but assertive requests without the need to apologise or explain. A simple "could you please keep your dog under your table and not on my belongings, thank you" might well have got a better response as she wouldn't have pinned you for an easy target.

Trinity66 · 09/04/2018 16:38

Lots of country pubs around here allow dogs - can’t see what the problem is - don’t go there if you don’t like it. We go to them and spend a lot. Avoid places that allow screaming kids however...

She didn't have a problem with the dog being there, just with him being in here space, do you not think it's reasonable request for the owner to keep the dog in her own space?

Trinity66 · 09/04/2018 16:38

her space*

flowerslemonade · 09/04/2018 16:42

you could ask her dog but i'm not sure if it would answer

Seafoodeatit · 09/04/2018 16:46

YANBU, what a weird, rude lady!

OneStepSideways · 09/04/2018 16:47

You were overly polite I think and she took advantage. I would have said 'excuse me, I don't like dogs, please keep him away from my table' then complained to staff if she refused.

I've had this on the bus. I don't want a big dog drooling over my feet or leaning on me or getting hair all over my bag but some dog owners just don't get it!

achangeisasgoodasabreakdown · 09/04/2018 16:50

Yanbu.

This is why I don't take my dog anywhere. He's hasn't even been to the dog cafe that my dm's dog loves, because he's very very friendly and firmly believes that people exist purely to stroke him. He would think nothing of sidling up to a stranger, and giving them the eyes. While some people like that kind of thing, others don't, and he has no concept of this.

Andylion · 09/04/2018 16:56

I'd have apologised and moved the dog but secretly I'd be thinking you aren't my kind of person

What, the kind of person who doesn't let your dog do whatever it wants? HmmI'm a dog-lover, by the way, but I wouldn't like a strange dog hanging around under my table.

wink1970 · 09/04/2018 16:57

Big Retriever Type

Ah, he was probably after treats! Grin

That's all I have to add. She was rude, you might have handled it more assertively.

Lillipuddlian · 09/04/2018 17:05

have to laugh... dogs aren't allowed in cafes in Canada... sorry, not relevant to you, but oh my goodness... pets have many more rights in the uk. They just allowed them to ride on the bus here, in a crate, under the seat, only for emergencies and there was almost a revolt.

perper · 09/04/2018 17:14

I think what the OP said was lovely and (if I didn't love dogs so much!) is what I would have said.

I'll be honest, a lot of people here are saying OP was 'too polite' and should have just said 'please keep your dog away from my table'. I think that has the potential to come across as very unpleasant, and if a stranger had said something so blunt like that to me I'd probably be panicking and pretty upset inside.

There is no harm whatsoever in being overly polite (and it doesn't take any extra energy)- there is potential harm in being impolite, and it's just not pleasant for anyone. Always best to take the high ground and be the good one in a situation :)

flobella · 09/04/2018 17:24

I think this is really weird. Politeness/consideration aside, I wouldn't want my dog sitting under a stranger's table - I'd want her somewhere I could keep a close eye on her. For example, I wouldn't want her being fed tidbits by a well-meaning stranger that might make her poorly, it would just be safer all round for her to be tethered under my own table.

Lockheart · 09/04/2018 17:32

OP you are NBU at all and were very polite. I would have apologised and been very embarrassed if my dog had done that.

The woman with the dog was VU and rude.

All the posters calling dogs "slobbering", "stinky" and saying they shouldn't be allowed in cafes are BVU. Many people need guide dogs (which are legally allowed in ALL establishments, dog-friendly or not), and as they're dogs, presumably you think they are just as downright horrid as non-working ones. Please remember your words can hurt those whose dogs are not only very loved companions but also an absolute lifeline and which allow them to live independent lives. It's hard enough being illegally denied entry into restaurants, taxis, public transport etc without the general public turning their nose up and making "eww" noises.

I appreciate this is a divisive issue but every time there is a dog-in-generic-public-space thread all the usual horrible language comes out; please consider how your words might affect those who can't go out without their seeing eye or hearing dog.

chocolatesun · 09/04/2018 17:42

What a rude woman! Of course you were completely reasonable. If she's called the staff over they should have backed you up 100%.

KinkyAfro · 09/04/2018 17:51

Aberystwyth Starbucks allows dogs. Just thought I'd mention it 😁

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 09/04/2018 18:06

perper I never said she should be "impolite". I said she should be assertive and not over apologise or put herself down. It is perfectly possible, and actually the most effective, to be both assertive in your request and phrase it politely with a please or thank you. It is a skill that many people do seem to lack and go to either extreme of prostrating themselves or being rude and aggressive.

GeorgeW78 · 09/04/2018 18:08

I'd be thankful they'd let my dog in (I know it's allowed but lots of places don't) so I'd be extra careful to be responsible. Thank you for not complaining to staff when you could have. That woman's attitude could easily ruin it for all the nice understanding dog owners.

Original poster
Knitjob · 09/04/2018 18:21

I have no problem at all with dogs in cafes, although if I had a choice I would choose a cafe without dogs. I hadn't realised they were allowed in Starbucks.

I just wanted the dog to lie beside her, not beside me. I saw a friend badly bitten by a dog when we were small and I just prefer them not to be near me.

And I do think it's rude to let your dog in other customers' space. I want to get my legs under the table, not have to watch out for someone's dog under there in case I kick it in the nose.

If it had been an assistance dog I probably wouldn't have said anything, although in my experience they usually stay close to their owners and that's fine. I probably would have seen if there was another table and moved.

OP posts:
RemainOptimistic · 09/04/2018 18:29

Dogs in cafes in Germany are totally normal. Also restaurants and shopping centres.

What is so odd about my child lying down under a cafe table? At least that would mean he wasn't running around screaming!

YANBU OP, she sounds like a CF

perper · 09/04/2018 18:29

Rednailsandnaeknickers My concern is that it is very possible to come across as impolite even if that is not the intention, which doesn't lead to anyone having a nice day and tends to just get people's backs up. What harm is there in being pleasant to people to start with, like the OP was? The woman she spoke to was obviously horrible, but at least the OP has the moral high ground here and I highly doubt a different turn of words would have led to better outcomes.

Personally I don't think you need to be 'assertive' in the first instance. If pleasantries are ineffective then sure, follow up with a more assertive statement, but a command phrased something like 'get your dog away from my table', regardless of whether it contains the word 'please', is not necessarily the only way to go or the most pleasant for anyone and can often come across as just a bit nasty or hoity toity. I say that as a former bouncer, whose job was to get people to do as I said, and was very good at it!

As I said, I think what the OP said was lovely, and her pleasant words are not what led to the woman being horrible.

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