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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unfair behaviour from Mum

55 replies

bluecheeses · 09/04/2018 14:15

So, me and my mum were always close when I was growing up. We used to holiday together, just the two of us when I was around 18/19 and in my early twenties.

She's always been one to take huffs at me and not speak to me for days on end, I would grovel and eventually she decides she wants to speak to me.

When I got my first serious boyfriend, her attitude to me worsened. That relationship ended anyway, long story short - I then got my next boyfriend and we moved in together.

She goes weeks, sometimes months on end ignoring me with no real reason or explanation. I do everything in my power to pull her round but she just says she's "busy" etc

Last year, me and my OH had a baby. All was well, she was involved then after around 6 months she made excuses everytime she was to see the baby. We're now in a position where she's not spoken to me since February. I've asked her if she wants to see baby, she says she's busy everytime. Today it was that she was working, when my dad has just told me he's picked her up and they're out shopping.

This in itself I believe is enough for me to go no contact with her. She can mess me about, but NOT my baby.

Anyway, benefit of the doubt. Me and OH are arranging our wedding. I asked her if she's coming and I got "I will let you know". I then said I'm amazed she'd consider not attending her daughters wedding and she doesn't reply.

What the fuck have a I don't wrong? AIBU to not talk to the woman again if she's ignoring my child and refusing to attend my wedding?

My poor dad is stuck in the middle not saying anything and trying to keep everyone happy

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 09/04/2018 14:18

She sounds awful and really hard work (no offence) I'd stop chasing her tbh. People can only treat you badly if you allow them to

Sn0tnose · 09/04/2018 14:19

You haven't done anything wrong at all. I'd strongly recommend you post in the stately homes thread in Relationships. They'll tell you all about Narcissists and enablers and help you to realise that you are not the problem.

HolyMountain · 09/04/2018 14:20

I couldn't stand this and would definitely put the relationship on ice.

Original poster
bluecheeses · 09/04/2018 14:20

It really breaks my heart. I'm going through a period of my life where I'm a new mum and I'm planning my wedding. I want her to experience it with me and I just don't know what I've done.

My OH has suggested she's possibly sad she is no longer the only one in my life.

I just miss her being my best friend

OP posts:
hesterton · 09/04/2018 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trinity66 · 09/04/2018 14:22

*My OH has suggested she's possibly sad she is no longer the only one in my life.

I just miss her being my best friend*

He could be right but how she's handling it is ridiculous and hurtful.

hesterton · 09/04/2018 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bluecheeses · 09/04/2018 14:22

I've tried and she just says "I'm not arguing". I try to explain that's not what I want either.

It's just useless

OP posts:
TheMerryWidow1 · 09/04/2018 14:25

sorry I'd let her get on with it, sounds like she enjoys you running around after her. She doesn't like that you now have your own life and family. Leave her for a while, don't chase or call bet she soon comes running.

xx

hesterton · 09/04/2018 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bluecheeses · 09/04/2018 14:28

She just says nothing is wrong or reverts to "I'm not arguing".

I'm more upset it's messing my child around tbh. I'm NOT having him involved in it

If she doesn't want to attend my wedding, that's it for me

OP posts:
sonjadog · 09/04/2018 14:28

I would let her get on with it. You might find when she isn't getting the attention of you running after her, her attitude changes pretty fast.

Original poster
bluecheeses · 09/04/2018 14:30

Tbh if her attitude changes I'm not sure I want to know. I feel like I've had enough this time and it hurts so much

OP posts:
Original poster
bluecheeses · 09/04/2018 14:30

If I HAVE done something, I'd rather she told me so I can fix it

OP posts:
hesterton · 09/04/2018 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dirtywindows · 09/04/2018 14:31

How about writing it down in a letter for her? The process of writing will help you to work out some of your feelings and she will not be put on the spot to answer you. Then unfortunately it's up to her whether she wants to have a grown up relationship with you. Just don't let her behaviour affect your wedding plans and enjoying being a mum yourself. Thanks

Sparkletastic · 09/04/2018 14:31

Write her a letter telling her how you feel. Let her response (or lack of) determine whether to go NC.

Thehamsterspajamas · 09/04/2018 14:31

Her behaviour sounds like that of an an immature, attention seeking teen - “ I’m not telling you what I’m upset about (if anything) and therefore shall sulk and disappear off the radar until you grovel sufficiently for me to come out of it. Bugger that. I’d refuse to play her silly mind games and stop running after her trying to make everything ok again. That’s exactly what her manipulative behaviour is trying to achieve so ignore it. If she dips below the radar for whatever reason just wait it out. I agree she sounds rather narcissistic and really ridiculous. It’s NOT anything you are doing or not doing.

MatildaTheCat · 09/04/2018 14:35

I personally don’t think you should want your mum to be your best friend but she does sound immature and manipulative. Go very cool and let her come to you.

In future I would keep things quite low key and simply refuse to engage with her games. Your father is enabling her but I doubt you’ll change that. What a pair of sillies.

amusedbush · 09/04/2018 14:37

My mum has classic traits of narcissistic personality disorder and I know how hard it is to let go. It took me until last year to finally realise that:

  1. It's not my fault and I don't cause her behaviour
  1. She's not going to change so I need to either accept her at face value and limit my contact, or continue to expect more from her and end up hurt and upset again and again.

I still stumble occasionally and look to get her approval but, on the whole, it's very liberating.

Raines100 · 09/04/2018 14:38

I expect your OH is spot on, but that doesn't excuse her behaviour. This is emotional blackmail. She treats you appallingly and still fully expects you to come running. Don't.

Don't contact her again. If she wants to be part of your life, she will come to you. And she probably will, but not in a good way at first. She thinks she weilds the power in this relationship, and she will have to go through some kicking, screaming and manipulation to see if you will cave before she accepts that your relationship is no longer available on that basis. Then she will either decide to bend or walk away.

HollowTalk · 09/04/2018 14:42

She sounds manipulative and childish. As your mother, if she wasn't happy with something she should tell you, particularly as you've asked. It seems as though she's jealous of you (no coincidence her friendship with you ended when you had boyfriends) and is determined to spoil things for you now.

Blackberrymuffin · 09/04/2018 14:44

My mother was like this. Had to be centre of attention. Turned everything into me feeling I had done something wrong but not knowing what, nor could she tell me without being incredibly spiteful about some made-up hurt. Google 'narcissistic personality disorder'. It was an eye opener for me. Only thing to do is not to 'feed' her need for attention. You have given her that attention in the past and now you can't. Best way to deal with this is to ignore her petulant behaviour. It is her loss if she doesn't come to your wedding. YOU must be the adult, remain calm, say the sensible non-emotional thing and she will then look very silly. Poor you, I feel for you.

MyFamilyAndOtherAnimals1 · 09/04/2018 14:47

Oh my goodness OP - your Mother sounds very similar to mine.

When me and my DP/DH got married, my 'D'M decided she hated me. I found this extremely upsetting because I'm a ridiculously sensitive person who will bend too far over to make others like me.

However, I soon realised that any issues she had were HER problem and not mine.

Since then, I've been as nice as possible, but I haven't grovelled... thus there hasn't been much contact between us. When DH and I do have a DC, I'm going to have as happy a life as possible and if she wants to be friends then that's fine. If not, then that's also fine. But I'm NOT going to grovel!

I think what I'm trying to say is; be strong, surround yourself with good friends, and only include people in your life who actually care about you. And I know how hard it will be, but try to not let it affect you too much - life's too short for ridiculous squabbles Flowers

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 09/04/2018 14:47

I wouldn't be writing any letters, doing any pleading, or paying her attention by asking what is wrong or acknowledging in any way that her behaviour is upsetting you.

Invite your parents over when you want to see them. If the answer is no, just smile and say "ok". Crack on with your life, your wedding and raising your DS. And I say all this as someone who hugely values family, so I understand that you don't want to lose her, but if she is being difficult then you just need to learn to be happy without depending on her at all. At present it sounds like you are still entering into her nonsense, Which only feeds the problem.

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