Unfair behaviour from Mum

[bluecheeses]

So, me and my mum were always close when I was growing up. We used to holiday together, just the two of us when I was around 18/19 and in my early twenties.

She's always been one to take huffs at me and not speak to me for days on end, I would grovel and eventually she decides she wants to speak to me.

When I got my first serious boyfriend, her attitude to me worsened. That relationship ended anyway, long story short - I then got my next boyfriend and we moved in together.

She goes weeks, sometimes months on end ignoring me with no real reason or explanation. I do everything in my power to pull her round but she just says she's "busy" etc

Last year, me and my OH had a baby. All was well, she was involved then after around 6 months she made excuses everytime she was to see the baby. We're now in a position where she's not spoken to me since February. I've asked her if she wants to see baby, she says she's busy everytime. Today it was that she was working, when my dad has just told me he's picked her up and they're out shopping.

This in itself I believe is enough for me to go no contact with her. She can mess me about, but NOT my baby.

Anyway, benefit of the doubt. Me and OH are arranging our wedding. I asked her if she's coming and I got "I will let you know". I then said I'm amazed she'd consider not attending her daughters wedding and she doesn't reply.

What the fuck have a I don't wrong? AIBU to not talk to the woman again if she's ignoring my child and refusing to attend my wedding?

My poor dad is stuck in the middle not saying anything and trying to keep everyone happy

have a browse of outofthefog.com

My mum is a bit like this. I didn't know if she would be at my wedding for sure... sucks but hey ho. Just let her get on with it and contact her if it suits you. Stop making so much contact. Dont let her get to you, or don't tell your family you are bothered by it.

I could have writen your original post, I didn’t spend too long trying to get my mum to ‘be friends again’ though.

If she wants to play silly buggers, let her, just remember all her excuses when she suddenly wants to be back in your life.

My ‘d’m came very unstuck playing these silly games as I moved about 200 miles away so she completely lost me. In fairness I did send her an invitation to my wedding that she decided to ignore. I’m completely no now and that’s never going to change for me. Whilst you keep chasing your mum she knows she’s still pulling all the strings.

My OH has suggested she's possibly sad she is no longer the only one in my life.

More likely that she's being controlling, from your description. Getting you to jump through hoops, and nothing you do is ever enough.

Let her stew. She needn't come to your wedding if she doesn't want to, but she probably will come so she can make some kind of scene and be the centre of attention.

I hope that your dad visits you and your family on his own. I hope that he will also attend your wedding on his own if your mum refuses.. It sounds as if you have been patient with your mum and also that you are a lot more mature than she is..

You really don't need your mother as your best friend. In your shoes I wouldn't necessarily go no contact with her, but I would say to her just once that the ball is in her court both with regard to the wedding and seeing your child, and then leave it there. If she contacts you to say she hasn't decided, just say "Fine, let me know when you've made a decision." If necessary, give her a deadline for letting you know about the wedding, and keep to it. But keep things completely businesslike, and make a resolution that you will never grovel to her again.

You haven’t done anything wrong, other than get on with your life. Your mum wants to be the centre of your world and can’t handle that she’s not. It’s horrible controlling behaviour, stop grovelling and just text her and tell her you love her but your not going to keep chasing after her anymore and she knows where you are when she wants to speak, then just leave it at that

I've already done the whole "you just let ME know when YOU want to see my little one" she said ok and I've had nothing since. That was about a month back.

I also offered to take her out for Mother's Day. She said she "didn't care either way". It's really sad but I'm getting tired now.

My dad still sees my LO on a weekly basis and has said he will definitely be attending my wedding

I fully intend to support my daughters in every way possible, if they want me there. Your mother sounds self absorbed... I have a mother who has never seen my children. You have my sympathies, but a bad mother has many lessons to teach you about what matters.

I know you say your dad is stuck in the middle but surely he sees how awful your mum is being? My dad is very much the quiet, laid back peacekeeper of the family but I like to think he'd tell my mum to sort her shit out if she was treating one of her children that way.

She had a poor relationship with her mother as far as I understand.

My experience has made me promise myself that no matter what choices my children make in their lives, I will NEVER treat them the way I've been treated. I will always be there and support them no matter what.

Thanks for the reassurance everyone

Seems that, like me, you have a "narc" mum. You poor thing, it's dreadful. Mine turns everything around to make it about her. She has, over the years, sent me to Coventry on several occasions for things she has decided I have done but I wouldn't be aware of my "transgression".

As I've got older I've realised how dysfunctional her behaviour is and was, but when I was younger I suppose I was too close to the situation, not long enough "out of the nest", and I blamed myself for getting things wrong.

Therapy is helping me realise it wasn't me, and hopefully to recover some of my self esteem which she carefully dismantled over my childhood years.

I find it helps is to distance myself as much as possible. Look up "grey rock" for starters, and if you feel ready to go no contact then do that. You need to look after yourself.

It seems to me that you're no longer playing the role she decided you would have in her life, and in her eyes you must be punished for it.

You poor thing, it sounds devasting.
To not be able to commit to your wedding or even give you anything tangible to help remedy the situation sounds really tough. She may have her reasons (MH or issues relatingto her own Mother etc) but that does not help you,
congratulations on all the good in your life, I hope that tor Mum does not cast too much of a shadow!

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP, especially with a new baby

I'd echo everything amusedbush said - it does sound like NPD so you are never going to be able to 'fix' things

It's simplistic for such a complex issue but my advice would be look to the future you have with your DP and your baby, live that life, be polite to your mum as and when she is around but try not to be drawn into her drama. You can't change her but you can change how you deal with it. Good luck.

Stop grovelling.

Your mum is a self-centred narcissist who can't cope when everythings not about her wants and needs. Completely explains the random unexplained huffs where you would beg to be let back 'in', and why she had a real strop when you started dating seriously. And then you had the audacity to marry one and have a baby of your own? You cow!

sigh

Stop grovelling. Stop chasing. Stop begging to be forgiven for nothing. Just carry on having a nice relationship with your dad. She'll either come around or she won't, but don't be sucked in if she pretends to come around ... she will go back to form the minute she feels like it ... and you will wonder what you've done wrong. I'm telling you, the answer is nothing You will have done nothing wrong. So don't play her game.

My mum doesn't behave like this, never strops or stops speaking to me or anything nuts like that, but like you we were very close in my late teens/ early 20s and holidayed together a lot. She was a lone parent my whole life, never remarried, and she struggled very obviously when I started "growing up". She was always very off about me having boyfriends and showed no interest in them/ would find fault a lot. When I had my first baby she was very vocal about feeling sad that it would mean the end of our holidays as a twosome for a while (and as DS was a surprise, even used this as a reason why I should consider terminating!!). Every new adult phase of my life has marked a set back in my relationship with my mum as she seems to take it personally, like I'm deliberately moving away from her. She gets a bit passive aggressive for a few months, but then things always bounce back and she gets used to the "new normal" and is supportive. It's bloody draining though and makes me really reluctant to tell her things that should be happy news. When I told her dp and I were thinking about getting married in a few years she made a face like I'd just kicked a puppy. It's a real shame, but I think it comes from her not having made peace with the fact I'm an adult now with my own life.

And yes, like your mum, mine had the same problems with her own mum. She always made a big deal about how she's never behave like that, but I don't think she even realises she does it. Makes me scared that I'll be the same when I'm older!

Sounds like attention seeking to me.

"She's always been one to take huffs at me and not speak to me for days on end, I would grovel and eventually she decides she wants to speak to me. "

You know that that's completely fucked up, & abusive don't you?

Just send them an invitation (if you want to) & leave her to it.

I'll be Devil's Advocate:

You were very close, so maybe she's a bit sad that you don't want to see her, but only want your LO to see her iyswim. What if you were to ask if you could get together and catch up a bit? Perhaps she feels pushed out. She may have stepped back because she doesn't want to interfere or be thought of as interfering?

I have the same relationship with my mother unfortunately. She didn't have the greatest relationship with her mother either so it's like deja vu.
If you don't phone her enough or go there enough she will punish me by not speaking to me. We didn't speak for 4 months once.
I've come to terms after all these years that it isn't going to change neither will she change and I will always feel not good enough or that I've done something wrong.
I do not want this same relationship for me and my children. I don't even try to hide it now, they know their Nan isn't bothered about them or about me and if I didn't phone her or go there that'd be it. We would never see her or hear from her.

For starters, you need to stop thinking that you have done anything wrong, because you haven't. It's all her.

"My OH has suggested she's possibly sad she is no longer the only one in my life."
He's half-way there. She is not sad, she is angry. And not because she is no longer the only one in your life, but because she no longer owns you lock stock and barrel.

Your mother is not treating you as a daughter, she is treating you like a possession. In her mind you exist only to serve her, you have no inner life; when not dancing attendance upon her you should be sitting by the phone poised and ready for her to summon you again. The fact that you clearly aren't has made her angry enough to punish you with this ridiculous behaviour.

You say "She's always been one to take huffs at me and not speak to me for days on end, I would grovel and eventually she decides she wants to speak to me." I doubt she ever had any reason to go in a huff, it was just a convenient way to exert control over you and keep you dancing attendance.

So this is clearly not new behaviour, all that is new is that you are seeing it for what it is rather than grovelling your way back into her favour.

"I just miss her being my best friend."
Sorry, but she was never your best friend . You miss the idea that you had a good relationship with her, but it was only (superficially) good if you did her bidding. That's a master-servant relationship at best, not mother-daughter and certainly not friend-friend.

So what can you do?

• Stop questioning what you've done wrong, you've done NOTHING WRONG.
• Stop asking her to come round. Let her stew.
• Stop contacting her at all.
• Don't ask your father how your mother is. (And remember - he is not innocent here. He stood by and let her do this to you. He is an enabler.)
• Plan your wedding. Tell her you need a definite yay or nay by X date so you can do your seating plan. Do not engage with her about your wedding beyond this, and if she does not respond in time confirm to your father that you accept her nay.
• Get on with your life without a backward glance in her direction. She's made her choices, now you get to make yours.

You might choose to go full Non Contact with her eventually, for the moment I'd just make no effort with her.

How does your mum behave socially?

Is she likely to come dressed in white, make a fuss about her seat, the lights, the volume, who's been invited, young children making noise, seating arrangements, music playing, the food, the bar, the groom's family, etc.

She initially said she was coming in Black 😂

If I HAVE done something, I'd rather she told me so I can fix it

What you've 'done' is grown up and made a life of your own independent of her......and she can't accept it.
She wants you to re-attach those apron strings and make her the centre of your life again.

You can't 'fix' that unless you sacrifice/to the detriment of your relationship with your OH and dc.

She's giving you the silent treatment to 'punish' you and play on your emotions - don't tolerate it or chase her.
You've left the ball in her court so see how she plays it.

When she does contact you, be honest and make your boundaries clear - no more off/on games as neither you nor your dc deserve to be played with like this.
Be clear on what the consequences will be if she 'punishes' you again....i.e in future you won't allow her back in so easily/contact with you/your dc will be on your terms only.

Thank you so much everyone for your support here. I think I know/knew deep down her behaviour was wrong but it's time for me to accept it!