Unfair behaviour from Mum

[bluecheeses]

So, me and my mum were always close when I was growing up. We used to holiday together, just the two of us when I was around 18/19 and in my early twenties.

She's always been one to take huffs at me and not speak to me for days on end, I would grovel and eventually she decides she wants to speak to me.

When I got my first serious boyfriend, her attitude to me worsened. That relationship ended anyway, long story short - I then got my next boyfriend and we moved in together.

She goes weeks, sometimes months on end ignoring me with no real reason or explanation. I do everything in my power to pull her round but she just says she's "busy" etc

Last year, me and my OH had a baby. All was well, she was involved then after around 6 months she made excuses everytime she was to see the baby. We're now in a position where she's not spoken to me since February. I've asked her if she wants to see baby, she says she's busy everytime. Today it was that she was working, when my dad has just told me he's picked her up and they're out shopping.

This in itself I believe is enough for me to go no contact with her. She can mess me about, but NOT my baby.

Anyway, benefit of the doubt. Me and OH are arranging our wedding. I asked her if she's coming and I got "I will let you know". I then said I'm amazed she'd consider not attending her daughters wedding and she doesn't reply.

What the fuck have a I don't wrong? AIBU to not talk to the woman again if she's ignoring my child and refusing to attend my wedding?

My poor dad is stuck in the middle not saying anything and trying to keep everyone happy

OP, that all sounds horribly hurtful. The way she’s acting is not at all loving or with any thought to your feelings or needs in life. Even if you had done something wrong, why on earth not just tell you about it? And to not commit to coming to your wedding? That’s really awful. She will know full well that that something that will hurt you.

I think your DP is right to some extent - she’s not happy that your life no longer revolves around her and you’re being punished for it.

It is awful and hurtful, but I think your only course of action is to live your life revolved around your own little family, seeing your dad, and just not counting on your mum really being there. Just detach, I guess :(

Some excellent advice here Op (especially WhereYouLeftIt’s). Time to move on with your own life. Please don’t let her try to undermine your little family.

You have my full sympathy as my mum sounds similar in some ways. Me and dh got married in Gretna Green and she didn't come because she 'couldn't afford to board her 2 dogs in kennels' for 1 night despite having a years warning! Even had the cheek to be stroppy about the fact we'd decided to get married in Scotland. It gobsmacked me, so I can say I fully know exactly how you feel right now.

She even threatened to go no contact with me as she felt I wasn't making the effort to come and see her so it was 'obviously too much for me' - I had 2 dc under 2 at the time. Never mind the fact that she could have jumped on a bus eh??

Anyway, sorry to highjack, it's so difficult when you are a people pleaser but sometimes it's just not worth the stress. Only you know if you could really go NC but I don't imagine it would be an easy thing to do.

I totally feel your pain. My mum is the queen of huffs and passive aggressiveness. It all got worse when we moved away for work and got married and I think the huffs and silent treatment are a bizzare way of her missing me. But it makes me not want to see her! She seems to take my getting married and having my own life as a personal insult and sign that I’ve ‘cut her out.’ Like your mum she often says she is busy, almost to spite me and show me that she has her own life too. Wtf??!!

I recently decided enough was enough from her. I’d gotten the silent treatment too many times so I sat down and wrote to her. It seemed to get through to her. Though I’ve not seen her yet so I truelly don’t know if she will take any of it on board.

You need to stand up to her and don’t grovel because that just makes her think that her huffs work. Explain that you love her and would really loved her to be involved in your baby’s life. Say how you feel when you get ignored by her and that the silent treatment doesn’t work because you don’t know what the issue is and therefore can’t make things better. If she doesn’t respond then you need to just ignore her back.

So sorry to read this OP. Please listen to all the great advice on here. Your mother is controlling and manipulating and it sounds like she is making your wedding day all about her and whether she will come. I can imagine you worrying in the lead up about whether or not she will make an appearance when really you should be allowed one day that's not about her.

I personally think you need to be quite firm with her and tell her that if she continues to behave in this way you will withdraw the invitation as she has hurt you and is potentially going to be a negative person in your Lo's life

Can you imagine yourself being anything other than excited at the prospect of your child getting married when they are older? (assuming they are marrying a good person who they love at an appropriate age!)

My poor dad is stuck in the middle not saying anything and trying to keep everyone happy

I have limited sympathy for your dad, being "stuck in the middle" imples the two.of you have argued but actually you have done NOTHING wrong so he really should be speaking up for you. Perhaps he is in private of course but please make sure you are standing up for yourself. Erhaos.he is a victim too. Perhaps she is jealous but its not normal or functional to be jealous of your own daughter.

And while it's great to be close to your mum it's also great to have close friends so please start thinking about filling the best friend vacancy with someone who treats you.with respect if she comes round you can still have her as a mum and grandmother but keep her at arms length from now on.