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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I haven't done anything wrong here?

73 replies

Rochyella84 · 09/04/2018 10:43

We recently made the decision not to attend an anniversary dinner for one of my husband's relatives, which is around a 2-3 hour drive away. We had previously said that we would attend, but we have had a very difficult few months, I am heavily pregnant, and we have a 3 year old who hates long car journeys so it is always stressful even at the best of times. It was me who felt that it would be too much for me at the moment to attend, but my husband was very supportive and agreed that none of us would go. We did apologise of course, and briefly explained why we would be unable to make it. We also sent a gift and called on the day to send best wishes etc.

I have since made friendly contact which has not been responded to, and a bit of asking around has revealed that this family member feels that I manipulated my husband into missing an important family occasion and is therefore ignoring me for this reason.

I don't really know what to do now as I don't really feel that I have done anything particularly wrong here? And I have always made a huge effort with his family in the past and this is the first and only time I have ever cancelled an arrangement. Should I just ignore it and wait for this to blow over? Should my husband step in? I'm the sort of person who really dwells on stuff like this and I really care what people think of me, so this has upset me a lot.

OP posts:
Buckingfrolicks · 09/04/2018 10:45

YANBU at all. The family is being very precious and silly.

WallisFrizz · 09/04/2018 10:46

You say your husband “agreed that none of us would go”. Did you tell him that none of you should go or did you suggest he goes on his own?

Also how much notice of the cancellation did you give them?

tenbob · 09/04/2018 10:46

How much notice did you give that you couldn't attend?

And are we talking grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary, or distant cousin's 5 years since they moved house party?

Trinity66 · 09/04/2018 10:49

No you did nothing wrong at all. Not sure how I'd handle it, probably would depend on my mood but I think I'd handle head on if anything was going to be said and I'd do it myself otherwise you'd be manipulating your DH again probably. I find the people aren't as brave when you say things right to their faces Grin

Ohyesiam · 09/04/2018 10:49

If someone can’t see that hours of driving, a sit down meal a toddler and a pregnancy are not easily compatible, then they don’t deserve your mind space.
Do they usually cook up drama? Your dh could put them straight I suppose, but they might be enjoying itWink.
You are right, you did nothing wrong.

Original poster
Rochyella84 · 09/04/2018 10:51

I told my husband I wasn't going. He said he didn't fancy the drive with our toddler alone screaming in the back. We looked into the trains but they weren't running as it was Easter weekend, so he decided that they wouldn't go either.

We gave 2 weeks notice. It was a close relative's wedding anniversary.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 09/04/2018 10:52

You definitely weren't being unreasonable, the family member is being ridiculous in making a fuss about you deciding none of you would go. You gave a present, which was really lovely.

HolyMountain · 09/04/2018 10:52

Were you close, prior to the anniversary dinner and are you likely to be seeing them again soon?

If yes then I’d either text or write a letter saying it’s a shame they are upset, that was not your intention
and recent events meant that you were unable to make the journey (don’t apologise, you’ve done nothing wrong) .

If they continue to ignore you then they are not worth the angst I’m my opinion.

PrettyLittIeThing · 09/04/2018 10:53

Couldn't he leave the 3 year old at home with you ? And just go himself tbh I can see why they are not impressed.

SilentEm564 · 09/04/2018 10:54

Who spoke to the relative to let them know?
On the face of it YANBU.
But you never know what the relative was actually told, unless you spoke to him or her yourself? Perhaps DH did try to palm some of the blame onto you? I ask because I've heard my DH do it on the phone a few times and it annoys me.
If it was something along the lines of 'oh we're sorry we can't come. Rochyella84 doesn't feel well' can be mis-read as WE all can't come because Rochyella84 isn't feeling well and emotionally manipulating me to stay and look after her.

WallisFrizz · 09/04/2018 10:54

Why couldn’t toddler stay with you?

I don’t blame you or think you manipulated him but I think your Dh should have gone alone if it was a special family occasion that was previously agreed to.

CookPassBabtridge · 09/04/2018 10:58

They are being ridiculous. Ww have missed a few Christmases with inlaws due to being heavily pregnant or having young baby and not wanting to drive 7 hours. They were totally understanding.
Plus you sent a gift AND rang them! For an anniversary! Wtf is wrong with them?

CookPassBabtridge · 09/04/2018 10:59

I would get DP to smooth things as it's his family. He can explain why he didn't go alone!

Original poster
Rochyella84 · 09/04/2018 10:59

Thanks for all the replies.

Yes we are close with them and make arrangements to see them every few months.

I made contact with them directly myself and explained why we wouldn't be coming (briefly - I did not go into the gory details of what the last few months have involved, and it really has been a very difficult time). So my husband actually hasn't spoken to them himself at all at this point.

I offered to have our toddler at home whilst he went alone, but my husband felt that our son is the main reason they wanted us to come - they don't see him very often, maybe a few times a year, and they enjoy seeing him. We totally appreciate this of course and know this is why they are upset as they didn't get to see our little boy. But this is a one off - there will be other occasions!

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 09/04/2018 11:02

Well I don’t blame you for not going.
If it was a sister’s silver anniversary party then he should have just gone by himself and left the toddler with you.
If it was cousin’s 7th anniversary, not so much.

WallisFrizz · 09/04/2018 11:04

I’m guessing it was his parents?

If you are not going to rest until things have been resolved, then let your DH call the relative and take responsibility and smooth things over. Otherwise, just give it time, they’ll get over it.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 09/04/2018 11:05

I think it should have been your DH who called to explain why you weren't going to make it up to attend. It's his side of the family.

He should have gone by himself, even if he did leave your DC with you. You show your face. Or you explain.

This is a lesson for you OP in making your husband step up. Only you're getting the criticism from his family and your husband none.

HolyMountain · 09/04/2018 11:06

Your Dh should speak to them and reiterate that he made the decision not to attend with your toddler , you didn’t manipulate anything.

I’d be irritated that this relative is blaming you and giving you the cold shoulder.

Birdsgottafly · 09/04/2018 11:06

Your DH should have been the one who told them why he wasn't going. He can explain your situation and that of your DS, but it doesn't explain why he didn't go.

What made it worse was you had said that you would be there. Did none of the reasons why you couldn't go, not occur to either of you when you got the invitation?

Leave it to him to sort this out. You are edging into 'wife work'. If it was your Family, would he be the one doing all of the communicating?

GreenVoyage · 09/04/2018 11:09

YANBU. Anniversaries aren't special family occasions. They are special to the couple. I can't stand the need for a 'celebratory meal' for every birthday, anniversary and holiday there seems to be!

You gave plenty of notice with a valid excuse. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. The family member who is ignoring you and slagging you off behind your back is pathetic. Be glad you missed the meal.

Spiggle123 · 09/04/2018 11:12

You haven't done anything wrong. I think my dh would have gone on his own under these circs though. Then he could have explained to them face to face that it was his decision not to bring ds with him.

Could have been dealt with more diplomatically but that's not your fault.

Original poster
Rochyella84 · 09/04/2018 11:13

Thanks...looks like most people feel similarly to me on this one.

I agree my husband should probably step up here and say something. I dont think I'm going to.

@Birdsgottafly - the invite came months ago. We did realise I would be heavily pregnant and that our toddler doesn't like the car but figured we would manage it. We had no idea that the months preceding the party would be as stressful as they have been. Had they been stress free I am sure we would have gone as planned. As it happened though I have pretty much reached breaking point.

OP posts:
Weebo · 09/04/2018 11:22

This is their problem, not yours.

The last thing you need to be dealing with is other peoples silly, passive-aggressive bullshit. How nasty to talk about you behind your back like that.

Isn't your husband pissed off with what they are doing here?

SomeKnobend · 09/04/2018 11:22

A wedding anniversary is for the couple to celebrate. Ridiculously self obsessed to call it an important family event imo. And even if it was, you couldn't fucking come. No reason for them to be arseholes about it. If it was me, I wouldn't bother going to anything from now on, as they've made it clear they have no regard for your feelings.

Original poster
Rochyella84 · 09/04/2018 11:27

@Weebo he is upset with them yes. As he feels I always make an effort and am being punished for the one time that I put myself first. He is mulling over whether to say something, and how to phrase it. We aren't going to be apologising though!

OP posts: