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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I haven't done anything wrong here?

73 replies

Rochyella84 · 09/04/2018 10:43

We recently made the decision not to attend an anniversary dinner for one of my husband's relatives, which is around a 2-3 hour drive away. We had previously said that we would attend, but we have had a very difficult few months, I am heavily pregnant, and we have a 3 year old who hates long car journeys so it is always stressful even at the best of times. It was me who felt that it would be too much for me at the moment to attend, but my husband was very supportive and agreed that none of us would go. We did apologise of course, and briefly explained why we would be unable to make it. We also sent a gift and called on the day to send best wishes etc.

I have since made friendly contact which has not been responded to, and a bit of asking around has revealed that this family member feels that I manipulated my husband into missing an important family occasion and is therefore ignoring me for this reason.

I don't really know what to do now as I don't really feel that I have done anything particularly wrong here? And I have always made a huge effort with his family in the past and this is the first and only time I have ever cancelled an arrangement. Should I just ignore it and wait for this to blow over? Should my husband step in? I'm the sort of person who really dwells on stuff like this and I really care what people think of me, so this has upset me a lot.

OP posts:

Charmatt · 09/04/2018 12:11

I agree with you, Crunchymum - I think wedding anniversaries are for the couple involved. I can understand them making a bigger deal of a 25th, 50th etc, but all the others are private between them, imo.

It actually winds me up that my PIL send us a card for our wedding anniversary, as I think it is special to us and not their business. When we reach our 25th, we aim to celebrate but going away and doing something we have always wanted to do, without other people involved.

ladymariner · 09/04/2018 12:15

It actually winds me up that my PIL send us a card for our wedding anniversary, as I think it is special to us and not their business.

Every time I think I've heard it all, something even more ridiculous comes along!! Your PIL have the audacity to send you a card to celebrate your wedding anniversary....the utter bastards!!!

HolyMountain · 09/04/2018 12:16

It actually winds me up that my PIL send us a card for our wedding anniversary, as I think it is special to us and not their business.

That seems a bit harsh charmatt

Ghanagirl · 09/04/2018 12:20

Another one who thinks wedding anniversary is for the couple but my Husbands family do this it’s “a thing” in Ghana (although except for PIL they all live here) I’ve gone to more family celebrations than those minor celebs who turn up for the opening of an envelope.
I’ve missed when Either me or kids Unwell and it doesn’t go down well but I’ve learnt that it’s not selfish putting myself and children first when needed

incywincybitofa · 09/04/2018 12:22

In response to a PP who said taking a 3 year old in a car would be fine, as they can be reasoned with;
When my DS was three you could take him on a long car journey no trouble whatsoever, when my DD was three hell no! And she is generally my easier child!
As for your issue, I think your SIL sounds quite special, and it sounds like you are all expected to treat her as if she is special.
I would stop trying to be honest, your DH can have a word with his brother if he wants to reinforce you couldn't make the journey and DS needs two adults in the car, with no trains running they couldn't come.
But then I would draw a line under it
If they wanted you all there under pain and sufferance for you all to show how much you care about them, then they obviously don't care too much for you as a family.

charlestonchaplin · 09/04/2018 12:23

It seems without you to do the grunt work your husband wasn't interested in making the effort. It doesn't matter that the primary reason for going was the anniversary dinner. The secondary reason was for your husband and son to interact with family. Unless you never drive to see them what does it matter why you make the trip?

sinceyouask · 09/04/2018 12:31

They have said that they fully understand our decision not to go, but they are obviously desperately trying to stay neutral.

Christ, what a cop out. No wonder the stroppy B and S IL act like this if no one is willing to tell them they're being ridiculous.

Someone should also tell them that this sort of behaviour really isn't going to make people want to spend time with them in the future.

Jobjobjob · 09/04/2018 12:32

BanyanTree · 09/04/2018 12:32

Ignore your petty SIL and BIL. Was it their anniversary? If so, who cares. Why do they think anyone gives a shit how long they have been married?

I get so annoyed at being invited to other peoples milestone birthdays and anniversaries. I am just about to have a big milestone birthday and then a milestone anniversary myself. We will be going on a fancy holiday and taking our DC to celebrate with us. I won't be inviting anyone else over to celebrate with us at a meal or anything. I like my privacy and I don't think the world revolves around me.

QueenArseClangers · 09/04/2018 12:32

Normal reaction to you saying you couldn’t attend should be

“Oh, we are sorry that you’re not feeling well. You rest and let DH wait in you. Such a shame we won’t see you, DH and DS but we’ll catch up soon. Thanks very much for the gift”.

Not this ridiculous ignoring shite.

expatinscotland · 09/04/2018 12:33

YANBU

Juells · 09/04/2018 12:51

I wouldn't have gone even in my full health and strength. Bloody nonsense and shit-stirring, your life will be much easier if you ignore it all. Imagine having to give in to that kind of pressure for the next forty years?

MrsHarveySpecterV · 09/04/2018 12:56

YANBU as PP have said, anniversaries are for the couple to celebrate. If their children want to make a fuss of them on a special one then that's lovely but I always find that people who want a fuss from other people on their anniversaries have some insecurities going on.

Boulshired · 09/04/2018 13:15

They are being ridiculous but my opinion of my brother cancelling through his wife would be pretty negative.

opionated · 09/04/2018 13:32

yabu you said youu would go then by your own account did not go into the details why and your dh did not even explain it himself which would make anyone think you manipulated him.

Original poster

Rochyella84 · 09/04/2018 14:13

@Boulshired it really wasn't a case of him cancelling through me. As is often then case, I tend to liaise with SIL to make arrangements, purely because its easier and more efficient. If it was left to my husband and his brother nothing would ever get done. So when we decided not to go it was the most natural thing for me to touch base with her like I usually would - we have a nice amicable relationship, or at least we did.

@opinionated fair enough. We thought saying we were having a hard time would be sufficient - personally I think divulging all of the details about exactly what has made the past few months challenging (for example sharing about various bleeds I have had during this pregnancy) isn't necessary and they should take our word for it when we say that I wasn't up to it.

OP posts:

Nikephorus · 09/04/2018 14:16

His family and he really should have stepped up and gone...toddler cross or not.
It was an anniversary dinner 2-3 hours away! The only anniversary dinner he has to attend is the one he shares with OP, any others are just people wanting to have an excuse for a get-together/celebration/show-off (depending on the people - some love parties, some love to look popular by hosting).

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 09/04/2018 14:25

So they are angry enough to ignore you but not to return your gift!

I would not be making any effort to speak to them again, low or no contact sounds ideal when you are dealing with this level of childishness.
They can come and see ds and the new baby once they've had the decency to apologise to the kids mother for their ignorant behaviour.

Who the hell expects someone else to celebrate another couple's anniversary anyway?

We only celebrate ours and would not want to force everyone to acknowledge it, and have a tantrum if they didn't. They sound ridiculously self important.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/04/2018 14:33

YANBU. Your DH's family are being ridiculous. They must be extremely self-involved if they can't see why you wouldn't want to drag a reluctant 3 year old on a 4-6 hour round trip for a sit down meal under normal circumstances, let alone whilst heavily pregnant and feeling unwell! You have given them plenty of notice that you weren't coming and it was thoughtful of you to send a gift. You have nothing to apologise for.

Original poster

Rochyella84 · 09/04/2018 15:03

Thanks everyone. This has been rather reassuring! Apart from a few who can see their side it looks like most people would feel similarly to me. Husband still thinking about whether best to leave it and let it blow over, or get in touch to say we didn't intend to upset them, and assuring them that he certainly wasn't manipulated and made a decision he felt was best to support his family.

OP posts:

Lucie8881 · 09/04/2018 15:42

I agree you have done nothing wrong and for what it's worth I think DH also did the right thing by staying home with you. Especially as you've mentioned you've had some pregnancy issues it seems only right he support you at this time. If the in laws can't see this then it's them being unreasonable.

SaltireSaltire · 09/04/2018 19:24

Is this going to be an annual drama you have to tolerate. They are being utterly ridiculous.

BewareOfDragons · 09/04/2018 20:15

They have said that they fully understand our decision not to go, but they are obviously desperately trying to stay neutral.

Oh, FFS. Your BIL/SIL are beyond ridiculous, and staying neutral when they clearly are is also ridiculous. A very curt direction to BIL/SIL to pull themselves together and get over themselves is definitely called for.

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