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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I haven't done anything wrong here?

73 replies

Rochyella84 · 09/04/2018 10:43

We recently made the decision not to attend an anniversary dinner for one of my husband's relatives, which is around a 2-3 hour drive away. We had previously said that we would attend, but we have had a very difficult few months, I am heavily pregnant, and we have a 3 year old who hates long car journeys so it is always stressful even at the best of times. It was me who felt that it would be too much for me at the moment to attend, but my husband was very supportive and agreed that none of us would go. We did apologise of course, and briefly explained why we would be unable to make it. We also sent a gift and called on the day to send best wishes etc.

I have since made friendly contact which has not been responded to, and a bit of asking around has revealed that this family member feels that I manipulated my husband into missing an important family occasion and is therefore ignoring me for this reason.

I don't really know what to do now as I don't really feel that I have done anything particularly wrong here? And I have always made a huge effort with his family in the past and this is the first and only time I have ever cancelled an arrangement. Should I just ignore it and wait for this to blow over? Should my husband step in? I'm the sort of person who really dwells on stuff like this and I really care what people think of me, so this has upset me a lot.

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 09/04/2018 11:32

I think you handled this situation correctly. Shit happens. They on the other hand haven't dealt very well with it! Don't apologise.

OfficerVanHalen · 09/04/2018 11:37

oh well, their loss - in sulking about not seeing your toddler, they're doubling down and risking not meeting your new baby. it's a shame, but let him handle it. congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope happier times are on the way for you op.

BewareOfDragons · 09/04/2018 11:38

You haven't done anything wrong. His family is being unreasonable.

Let your DH sort them out. And sort them as you mean to go on. You and your DH get to decide what works for you and what doesn't, no one else. Make that clear now as you will soon be wrangling two little ones...

snewsname · 09/04/2018 11:38

I hope your DH isn't wishy washy about it but clearly tells them they are being unreasonable.

Notonthestairs · 09/04/2018 11:41

YANBU. You gave two weeks notice which is plenty in my view. It is a shame that they are disappointed and I'm sure that they were looking forward to having EVERYONE together, but you know shit happens. They absolutely should not be taking out their disappointment on you.

I've cancelled one thing in 15 years (actually I didn't cancel, PIL issued a last minute invitation and we already had commitments so I explained and said sorry not this time) - there was a right old sulk from FIL but he did get over it (eventually)

Babyplaymat · 09/04/2018 11:41

Tbh, this is his fault. His family and he really should have stepped up and gone...toddler cross or not.

ButchyRestingFace · 09/04/2018 11:42

These are your husband's parents relatives, right? They're being absurd. You were quite right to decide you didn't feel up to the journey.

Your husband was the one who decided not to go. If they have a problem, they should raise it with him.

Babyplaymat · 09/04/2018 11:42

Are you sure he isn't pinning it on you? Because if I told my parents I wasn't going to an important anniversary because I didn't want to drive on my own with a cross toddler they may be a little

Notonthestairs · 09/04/2018 11:47

Thinking about it - its actually worse than I first thought. They know you and yet have decided that you have manipulated your husband in to not going - which means that they view you at the very least as selfish and your husband as unable to decide stuff for himself. Very unpleasant.

Sosog00d · 09/04/2018 11:47

YANBU at all OP.

You sound very thoughtful. Congratulations on the pregnancy

Gemini69 · 09/04/2018 11:49

your Husband needs to fix this... he's the only one who can

Original poster

Rochyella84 · 09/04/2018 11:51

No he isn't pinning it on me at all.

It actually isn't his parents who are making the fuss - it is his brother and his wife, and I suspect it is his wife who is the one stirring up the drama.

I sensed that they were annoyed with me (because I was being ignored) so my husband asked his parents, and they confirmed that it is indeed the case. They have said that they fully understand our decision not to go, but they are obviously desperately trying to stay neutral. My husband has told his parents he thinks his brother/SIL are being petty here and that he felt it was the right decision to stay with me and toddler and give me some support as he felt I wasn't in a very good way. Which is true. And I feel a lot better after a few days just us 3 to be honest!

OP posts:

MummytoCSJH · 09/04/2018 11:56

They obviously care about family involvement very much- enough for them to understand that your DH made a decision that was best for his family! The last few months of my pregnancy were hell and my 3 year old may as well be called Satan on long journeys. I'd have done the same as you!

Joanna57 · 09/04/2018 11:56

I'm confused.

How many 'families' are involved?

His family? Her family? My family? Your family?

Our family?

HolyMountain · 09/04/2018 11:56

Are your bil and sil usually sensitive and childish?

Original poster

Rochyella84 · 09/04/2018 11:57

@babyplaymat I actually agreed with his decision not to drive alone with our little one. I don't think its particularly fair to strap my toddler in for a 3 hour drive which he will absolutely hate, for an anniversary dinner which means nothing to him. At least if I had gone I could have sat in the back with him or something. He would have taken the train with him if they had been running.

OP posts:

HolyMountain · 09/04/2018 11:57

*unusually

Original poster

Rochyella84 · 09/04/2018 11:58

@joanna57 sorry I don't understand...it is just my husbands side of the family being discussed here!

OP posts:

Yukbuck · 09/04/2018 11:58

They are being unreasonable to be cross with you. However I think your husband should have gone with your 3 year old. It's not as if it's a long journey with a 1 year old who you can't reason with. This is unless your 3 year old has any additional needs which of course changes things.

Original poster

Rochyella84 · 09/04/2018 11:59

@holymountain no. This is quite out of character for them to respond like this. Hence why I am surprised and upset.

OP posts:

Crunchymum · 09/04/2018 11:59

I loathe the very notion of anniversary dinners / celebrations.

I think it is something the couple themselves should mark? And yes even the big anniversaries.

My folks got a card for the 40th wedding anniversary earlier this year, there is no way I would have been attending a dinner or party (granted I did have a newborn in neonatal at the time) but it's just not how my family work. We celebrate birthdays and Christmas with big family do's but not anniversaries.

So for me you would not have been unreasonable to refuse to go to begin with. Let alone with all the other stuff at play.

Out of interest, what anniversary did they celebrate?

Shizzlestix · 09/04/2018 12:02

Your dh needs to speak to them. He should have spoken to them in the first place, of you. They’re being stupid, frankly, expecting you to travel when heavily pregnant.

BuffyBee · 09/04/2018 12:03

Oh! So what! Let Bil and Sil sulk if they want.
As long as you are still friendly with your Dh parents then what does it matter.
I'd let your husband deal with his knob of a brother and tell him off for upsetting my Dw.

HolyMountain · 09/04/2018 12:06

Why do you think it’s her stirring it all up?

Sunshinegirl82 · 09/04/2018 12:06

If I was your husband I'd be ringing my brother and giving him a piece of my mind for being so fucking selfish! I'd also be telling him exactly how difficult the last few months have been. I think you were perfectly reasonable and his relatives are batshit based on what you've said here.

If they don't get over it pretty sharpish I'd be pulling back from them big time, polite but no more. Sounds like it's more their loss than yours.

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