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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends husband messaging me. AIBU?

100 replies

Maybellissimo · 08/04/2018 21:53

He’s actually the husband of a friend of a friend. He is following me on Instagram, he likes all my pictures and has started privately messaging me, innocently at first, asking after the kids etc, then telling me how good looking I am, I haven’t changed since he last saw me blah blah, sending me blowy kisses emojis. I’ve screen shot the lot and am seriously considering sending it to his wife. My sister is staying at mine at the mo because her perfect husband has been sexting women and videoing himself screwing them. I want to tell his wife AIBU?

OP posts:

AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/04/2018 03:46

about 5 years back i met a guy online, i was in a relationship and was very clear from the first sentence of our conversation i was looking to make new friends only. He told me he loved me after 3 days, got really clingy and was upset when i mentioned i was already taken (hadn't in initial conversation as i like to keep private stuff private and i was clear i was only looking fro friends).
I called him "hun" like i do with all my friends on his social media status about his job interview when wishing him good luck.
Next i know i've got some girl blowing up my inbox, telling me shes his girlfriend of 4 years and she's rougly 3 months pregnant with his kid, demanding to know why i'm calling him "hun". He was telling me he was single and i knew he was going out at weekends having casual sex with women in bars.

I waited, got his side of the story, and he was so convincing. Said that she was his ex who had only just got in touch to tell him she was pregnant, that they had split 3 months earlier because she'd cheated and the baby could be his or the other guys. I believed him, so i didn't tell her about the girls he was sleeping with.

Turns out, he was a liar, they had been together for 4 years and he'd known for 2 months she was pregnant, and was using the fact he moved over 100 miles away for uni to live the single life while still going back to her every few weekends. By the time i found this out, she was already roughly 6 months so any possibility to terminate was gone.

I contacted her and i told her, because i stopped to think what i would want if our roles were reversed. I'd want to split up, and would have needed time to plan change to be a single parent and also a new birth partner, no way i'd want the lying cheating asshole with me. Of course she blamed me, i was the woman telling her that the future she was dreaming of was over. She had lots of questions, i happily answered them. I don't think she ever 100% believed nothing had happened between me and him, despite us living in different cities and having never met. She gave him another chance, and i deleted him out of my life.

She contacted me about 6 months after her son was born, telling me she hoped i was happy, that i was welcome to her ex, and acting like id stolen him. Turns out he walked out on her and the baby and she assumed it was to be with me, despite me having not spoken to him since the day i told her everything 9 months earlier.
This became a bit of a pattern, her son sadly had a health condition and ended up in hospital and she messaged me telling me to tell him about it, despite the fact i had nothing to do with him.

If you're prepared to tell her everything she feels she needs to ask, wants to know, and let her lash out like you're the bad guy, definitely tell her. I know i couldn't ever sit back and know about someone being cheated on and say nothing, especially when im the person the unfaithful person is trying to go after.

TheWonderfulCat · 09/04/2018 04:39

Tell her, I'd want to know and wouldn't have any bad feelings for you.

If you don't, and just block him then he may move on to someone else and the poor woman gets cheated on anyway.
Not only is it emotionally terrible being cheated on but he could give her a disease (not implying from you)

Please tell her, no one deserves to be cheated on

daisychain01 · 09/04/2018 04:58

A new MN acronym for you OP

BTB Block the Bastard.

Makes a refreshing change from LTB

Honestly, not your circus, not your monkeys. Don't get sucked into the melee of it all, taking screengrabs, going to this creep's wife etc etc.

Just send him a final message telling him to crawl back under a stone, or preferably get back to his wife and family where he belongs, and leave you in peace, not interested!

Then BTB

Original poster

Maybellissimo · 09/04/2018 07:01

Bloody hell almostajillsandwich that’s epic! I’m very raw right now because of what’s happened to my sister. The thread is over on relationships if anyone is interested. Maybe if one of these ‘women’ my bil was messaging had forewarned my sister then none of this absolute carnage would be happening. The internet had made it so easy for this shit to go on

OP posts:

coffeecoffeemorecoffee · 09/04/2018 07:18

Tell her, I think most women would 100% want to know

MsJaneAusten · 09/04/2018 07:30

I would want to know. Please tell her.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/04/2018 09:23

Maybellissimo I think the carnage would be happening one way or another. If your sister had found out he was messaging women, would she have stayed? It’s not the internet’s fault he cheated, it’s his and he would have probably done it in another form in a different time.It’s not like he was having an EA. He was fucking other women.

MismatchedStripySocks · 09/04/2018 17:54

Send nothing back, block and ignore. Sounds as though you don’t know the unfortunate wife well enough to tell her and you may just be one of a string of them.

Or they could be swingers?.....

Prettylovely · 09/04/2018 17:58

I agree with pp she deserves to know. I would be very grateful for someone to tell me if my dh was doing that.
Please tell her then block him.

TERFragetteCity · 09/04/2018 18:00

I would!d probably have already told him you now that his messages were inappropriate and blocked him.

CryptoFascist · 09/04/2018 18:33

I don't understand why anyone wouldn't tell his wife?

I'd definitely want to know and tbh it would be easier to tell her if I wasn't a friend of hers, no risk of losing a friendship if it turns out she shoots the messenger.

sirlee66 · 09/04/2018 18:40

I would want to know if I were his wife.

OP, if I were you, I'd definitely message her and say how you found the messages uncomfortable

LeighaJ · 09/04/2018 18:56

Maybellissimo

Send the screenshots to his wife, blocking him will just mean he moves on, telling her could nip things in the bud before he full on cheats.

They might be having issues that are making the relationship vulnerable but it can still be saved if they confront it.

rainbowduck · 09/04/2018 21:29

I wouldn't send them to his wife.

You don't know what happens behind closed doors, it's not really any of your business despite the raw feelings you are currently dealing with.

If I was the wronged wife, I certainly wouldn't want to find out that way, from a stranger.

I would advise you to pick your battles carefully, and use your energy helping your sister deal with her pain.

I am sorry that you are all going through this. Some people are utter pigs.

Feelings · 09/04/2018 21:33

Well ya not gonna find out any other way Rainbowduck or are you one of those that believe their husbands will be completely open and honest?

rainbowduck · 09/04/2018 21:39

No, not at all. In my experience, most men will take anything if there is a green light. I am currently in a very similar position to OP. Being happily married for a long time, I laughed it off, told him to buggar off (in a friendly way) and that was the end of that.

I have bigger fish to fry than being a vigilante for men who can't be faithful because in all honesty, it's an never ending, thankless task.

rainbowduck · 09/04/2018 21:42

Oops, pressed send before I finished!

And, quite frankly, getting involved in something which is guaranteed to cause pain and drama for all involved, is not something I wish to entertain.

I can only imagine how I would feel, to receive information like that. It would break my heart. So hopefully, if DH was ever actually cheating, the messenger would do it in a kind and gentle way. Screen shots from a stranger are not that.

CrispyCrackers · 09/04/2018 21:44

I’d have blocked him instantly. One blowy kiss emoji and he would have been blocked.

R2G · 09/04/2018 22:04

Just ignore his messages.
Then casually say to wife 'oh will you tell your DP sorry I've not replied to all his messages I don't use the app much wasn't being ignorant' 😁

cunningartificer · 10/04/2018 07:02

I think you’re getting drawn into this because it reminds you of your sister, but it’s not the same. It’s a blowy kiss emoji. I don’t agree that you should tell his wife, that’s infantilising him, as though she’s responsible for his behaviour. Someone is sending you messages you feel are inappropriate. Say so to him and block him, if you want to make it clear it’s unpleasant for you and think he may be in doubt about that. Otherwise just block him.

Scrumplestiltskin · 10/04/2018 11:30

I'd want to screenshot, blot out his profile pic and name on an editing app, and then post to Instagram saying "Wow, this is a bit over the line to send to a woman when you're married, isn't it? Or am I just old-fashioned?"

But that would be petty and shit-stirring, so in reality I'd probably just screenshot, and then block him.

Justanotherzombie · 10/04/2018 11:35

Tell the wife in as kind and fair a way as possible. Don’t bring your mutual friend into it, that smacks of gossiping and would be all the more humiliating to the wife.

I often think if more people would just be honest with the injured party (wife or husband) these dirtbags would get away with a lot less.

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 10/04/2018 11:47

Block and ignore. Do not get involved in someone else's relationship. It's not your responsibility.

I have been cheated on, by my DS's dad. I found out about it so no one had to tell me. I don't think anyone else knew about it but even if they had, them telling me would not have made the situation any better at all. Actually I would have felt humiliated knowing that someone else knew about my private business! I ended up having to tell OW's DH about the affair - he knew some of it and called me directly and I couldn't lie. That was one of the worst conversations of my life and I really wish I hadn't had to deal with that at the same time as dealing with the fallout of the affair on me and DS.

Steer well clear and focus on supporting your sister.

catbasilio · 10/04/2018 11:50

As this is not sexting yet, I would not contact his wife. However, if I had a bit of time on my hands, I would like to scare the shit out of him, by telling him I AM going to tell his wife. I would tell him there is a women movement in social media who aims to catch out all those who are sexters and trying to fish, so next time he tries he would think twice about hurting his other half. I would want him to freak out and shit his pants. If he wants further lesson I would tell him he should water his own grass. Someone's got to teach them a lesson! Social media got one step too far for me. Men (and women) think it is all too available.

VladPutin · 10/04/2018 11:53

of COURSE she replied!!

Dont tell the wife . Just delete him

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