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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want a holiday where DH does not have a toddler tantrum?!

72 replies

trinity0097 · 08/04/2018 14:18

I’m fed up of putting up with DH! We are on holiday, a much needed break from a heavy workload for both of us. DH is definitely on the spectrum, but never officially disagnosed. One of his obsessions is F1, and he is in a grump that he can’t watch it live at the hotel. He is in a grump as he has a bit of a dodgy tummy and is in a grump as our usual holiday routine of a cocktail before dinner and then dinner and a cocktail afterwards was disrupted yesterday, with his agreement at the time, to have room service and a light meal as we had been out all day at a cooking course and ate a big late lunch around 3pm.

He’s in one of those moods where he just can’t be turned around, so I have given up trying and am letting the man child strop it out in the room. He was nearly an embarrassment at lunch throwing his sunglasses on the table. Fed up of having the deal with toddler tantrums if a routine is changed slightly!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/04/2018 14:22

This is an easy one

Holiday without him. Better still, live your life without someone that you expect to routinely spoil occasions that should be pleasant.

EspressoButler · 08/04/2018 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HopeClearwater · 08/04/2018 14:25

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Original poster
trinity0097 · 08/04/2018 14:29

He’s got worse as the years have gone on!

OP posts:
Twogoround · 08/04/2018 14:31

Do you have kids?

flumpybear · 08/04/2018 14:32

I often go with my irl friends on holiday - DH hates sunbathing and reading by the pool - that's my idea of a good holiday! He goes with his mates and me with mine and we have shared family holidays with the kids

WonderWhippet · 08/04/2018 14:39

If he is on the spectrum then I can understand his obsession and his need for a routine plus the stress of changing from the routine at home to a new one. I'm guessing that the above is never really going to change.

As others have said you need to change ... go away with him for v short breaks maybe but have a longer relaxing break with a friend or sibling.

snowagain · 08/04/2018 14:44

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AgentProvocateur · 08/04/2018 14:48

Couldn’t have put it better @snowagain

deblet · 08/04/2018 14:51

I have a husband who I know is on the spectrum. Consultant when he diagnosed my first son told him he could diagnose him too. He is horrible on holiday as well. Been together 30 years. First 10 years I coped with it but then I left him at an airport in year 11 and went without him and year 12 booked without even asking him. The kids and I had a great time both times. Over the last few years if he wants to come he promises not to act a git. If he can't behave he knows we will leave him so he now will say I need to go for a walk or something to fight his way through his feelings. Sounds harsh but I told him I had a life too and his condition was noted but as I could not change it I would not be his whipping boy. Works for us now but I feel your pain and I have developed a thick skin with him and two sons on the spectrum. You need to work out a system for enjoying yourself he can understand and realise you won't change your mind. Then he has boundaries and can work within them.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/04/2018 14:55

I agree that a good way to look at it is whether he would put up with this behaviour from you.

If not, why not? And if not then why are you putting up with it from him?

Being in the spectrum comes with its own issues of course, but I do wonder how much of this is from you never pulling him up on it so he knows he can behave as badly as he likes and here are no consequences. Its telling that you say he has got worse over the years and I do wonder if its not him getting worse because of the suspected ASD but him just being more and more selfish because he knows he can get away with it.

I suggest that you go back to the room now and tell him that you have had enough and unless he sorts his attitude out you will not be going on holiday with him ever again. And mean it.

My sister recently had to do this because her husband completely ruined their last holiday. She has made it quite clear that she will be going away but not with him as she is sick of his tantrums. Its really thrown him as I honestly dont think he thought she would actually tell him to sod off, so hopefully it has been a wake up call for him.

yorkshireyummymummy · 08/04/2018 14:59

The kindness and understanding towards autistic men coming from these remarks astounds me.
Bloody nasty comments on the whole from a load of people who know fuck all about being married to an autistic man.
Only deblet speaks any (harsh but true) sense.

“how do these blokes even get married”
“Even if he is on the spectrum he could fuck right off”
It’s nasty people like you who have no empathy that makes being autistic harder than it should be and comments like this show your ignorance. Would you say that about somebody with no legs?
Shame on you. Your ignorance shines through your comments.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/04/2018 15:06

Very sad to hear such harsh comments. Nobody would say the same about autistic children and they will grow up into autistic adults.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/04/2018 15:08

Well where does the (suspected) ASD end and being an arsehole begin? Because from what the OP has put its a very fine line.

Perhaps he is on the spectrum, although without a firm diagnosis we cant be sure, but given that he has been perfectly able to control his moods in the past, why cant he now? ASD or he has realised there are no consequences so he doesnt have to bother?

Its not a free pass to act any way he likes and expect the OP to simply suck it up.

KickAssAngel · 08/04/2018 15:09

As a person living in an extended family full of people on the spectrum (some diagnosed, others not), I agree totally with Deblet.

I wish my mum had taken that stance with my Dad when we were kids. I used to hate family time because we all had to do exactly what Dad wanted or he'd have a hissy fit.

orangesmartieseggs · 08/04/2018 15:13

OP's husband isn't even diagnosed as being on the spectrum.

But even if he is, it's not an excuse to act like a total dick and ruin everyone's holiday. My dad is diagnosed ASD so I know how bloody hard it can be when people don't understand (the amount of people who've told me he's rude or antisocial or blunt is astounding).

But spectrum or not, OP doesn't have to have all her holidays ruined by sulking. As grown ups, we need to learn strategies to cope with situations that upset us or confuse us, and yes, that includes people with ASD even if it might be ten times harder for them.

OP doesn't sound like she lacks understanding - she just seems very frustrated which is perfectly understandable.

snowqu33n · 08/04/2018 15:47

A diagnosis doesn’t make someone entirely devoid of guile. You can have any condition and still be a nasty piece of work.
OP, I would maybe try to assess how hard your DH is trying.
Has he sought out any professional support in the past?
OTOH, I have family members who are not on the spectrum and who invariably have a meltdown on a holiday or trip. Some people do not travel well and should just stay at home with the cat.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 08/04/2018 16:05

Cut the man some slack, a little planning ahead of time and these things could have been avoided. You could have brought a tablet to watch the F1 live and you still could have had cocktail-dinner-cocktail at the usual time but just a very small dinner.
Or that aside just leave him alone for a while and go have some me time whilst he works through his grumble. I dont see throwing your sunglasses on the table as a particularly embarrassing action, we all get frustrated at times its natural to express these emotions, just chill and relax.

chipsandpeas · 08/04/2018 16:10

why couldnt he watch it live, you could go off and do your own thing, its only 2 hours apart

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 08/04/2018 16:10

Couldn’t he watch F1 in his phone?

Whether he is autistic or not he is an adult and needs to treat you with respect. Grumping and ruining a holiday is not fair on you. If he thinks the disruption to his routine/plans will leave him grumpy then he needs to take responsibility for that and not agree to holidays. You also need to take responsibility for your own part in agreeing to go on holiday with him when you know how he behaves. If you don’t think he can help himself then don’t arrange holidays with him.

HopeClearwater · 08/04/2018 16:17

a little planning ahead of time and these things could have been avoided

Planning by the OP? Can’t her husband do his own planning? He’s not her child!

UnimaginativeUsername · 08/04/2018 16:22

You could have brought a tablet to watch the F1 live and you still could have had cocktail-dinner-cocktail at the usual time but just a very small dinner.

Why on Earth should the OP have brought a tablet for him to watch F1? He’s an adult.

And he agreed that they should vary the routine. It’s not OK to be mardy about it afterwards.

DollyMcDolly · 08/04/2018 16:24

Shocking comments from some users. Agree with Yorkshireyummymummy. My son is autistic and it doesn’t disappear when he become an adult. You would never speak about a child like that.

Shoxfordian · 08/04/2018 16:25

He sounds exhausting
Why put up with this shit for the rest of your life?

Peanutbuttercups21 · 08/04/2018 16:28

I would not put up with this from a partner, what a shitty way to live

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