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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want a holiday where DH does not have a toddler tantrum?!

72 replies

trinity0097 · 08/04/2018 14:18

I’m fed up of putting up with DH! We are on holiday, a much needed break from a heavy workload for both of us. DH is definitely on the spectrum, but never officially disagnosed. One of his obsessions is F1, and he is in a grump that he can’t watch it live at the hotel. He is in a grump as he has a bit of a dodgy tummy and is in a grump as our usual holiday routine of a cocktail before dinner and then dinner and a cocktail afterwards was disrupted yesterday, with his agreement at the time, to have room service and a light meal as we had been out all day at a cooking course and ate a big late lunch around 3pm.

He’s in one of those moods where he just can’t be turned around, so I have given up trying and am letting the man child strop it out in the room. He was nearly an embarrassment at lunch throwing his sunglasses on the table. Fed up of having the deal with toddler tantrums if a routine is changed slightly!

OP posts:

GreenItWas · 08/04/2018 16:28

Bet he doesn't behave like this around his boss.

amusedbush · 08/04/2018 16:54

I'm on the spectrum and can be very difficult to live with. I love going on holiday but being out of my routine does mean that I can get very stressy and emotional, especially when I'm tired.

I work very hard to keep it together on a day to day basis so people who encounter me at work probably don't notice a lot of my 'quirks' but when I get home, where I'm totally comfortable, it can come undone and DH sees the worst of me.

I don't enjoy it and I try very hard to mask but ASD isn't something that just vanishes when people grow up.

Original poster

trinity0097 · 08/04/2018 17:05

We have numerous tablets, but we are in Northern Africa, we can’t stream our sky here, only in Europe. None of the sports channels here have it on, just football, we have tried.

I don’t think it helped that Hamilton got a grid penalty yesterday!

He seems to hold it together at work, like someone said, I see the worst of it.

I do get embarrassed by someone throwing their sunglasses around in a public place, perhaps I shouldn’t but this isn’t normal behaviour, not when accompanied by a very public strop. Nor are the expletives we get when his online game doesn’t go his way, his other obsession! I do make sure that any hotel we pick has decent internet so that he can continue with as much of his obsessive stuff as usual!

He’ll get over it and perhaps tomorrow I might get an apology, but it is just frustrating at times. He’s sat out in the garden at the moment ‘watching’ it on twitter or some other live chat!

OP posts:

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 08/04/2018 17:19

I do make sure that any hotel we pick has decent internet so that he can continue with as much of his obsessive stuff as usual!

And with which part of the holiday booking process does he go to extra measures to ensure your maximum enjoyment?

NKFell · 08/04/2018 17:30

I think it’s hard OP and as others have said being on the spectrum doesn’t just give a free pass for being a dick. Oh and I would also be embarrassed by the sunglasses thing!

No advice really other than try and enjoy your holiday!

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 08/04/2018 17:45

The sunglasses tantrum would have had me standing up and leaving to eat either elsewhere alone or later when he had apologised and agree his behaviour was utterly unacceptable. Any toddler tantrums would be treated the same. Don’t give him an audience for his tantrums. If he genuinely can’t help throwing his sunglasses he would do it whether you were there to witnessed or not. The truth is he is doing it for your benefit. He wants you to see his anger- you need to suffer because he is suffering. Well that’s just not acceptable. He can control his temper. It’s uo to him to do it and up to you to set your own boundaries for how you expect to be treated.

Tainbri · 08/04/2018 17:53

I have never been anywhere with DH that hasn't been stress from beginning to end. We've been together for thirty years and the last time we went away together was our honeymoon. I can't be doing with it so I still go away but with go DC or a friend.

GrooovyLass · 08/04/2018 17:58

I have ASD and routine being thrown out can make me meltdown. And yes, my (male) DP puts up with that shit because I can't help it. I would much rather be able to shrug and say oh well, I do not do it on purpose and I'm generally mortified afterwards. Some horrible comments on here.

LagunaBubbles · 08/04/2018 18:06

Why put up with this shit for the rest of your life?

Well presumably because although its difficult the OP loves her husband and understands his behaviour is driven by a disability if he is autistic.

GummyGoddess · 08/04/2018 18:12

You can't help a meltdown though @ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo . The best I can do is identify that it's about to happen and get myself somewhere safer before it starts, at home I'll shut myself in the bedroom for example.

Doesn't happen often thank goodness as once one has occurred, it's much more likely for me to have another one. I think maybe 3 in the last 2 years which is pretty good going as they are exhausting for me and I assume also for DH even though I shut him out of it if possible.

MiserableFucker · 08/04/2018 18:15

I am on the (officially diagnosed) spectrum. Doesn't mean I'm incapable of being a unpleasant grumpy twat

RedForFilth · 08/04/2018 18:16

a little planning ahead of time and these things could have been avoided yes you should say this to your partner tbh. If he wants to watch things/have a routine he needs to be planning for them. If he's expecting you to do these for him he is confusing partner to an adult with mother to a child.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 08/04/2018 18:16

Well some people believe marriage is for life and you take the rough with the smooth. I would think holidaying at home where he can self regulate his routine is easier to manage.

JamesBlonde1 · 08/04/2018 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Birdsgottafly · 08/04/2018 18:40

The OP's Husband has got worse as he gets older. what might have been Autistic traits, ow sound like grumpy old bastarditis.

If he can react violently to something, he needs to get diagnosed and learn strategies.

I say that with one Adult DD with ADHD and another Adult DD with Autism.

Birdsgottafly · 08/04/2018 18:43

Just to add, my youngest DD (20) has obsessions, but she knows that whilst on holiday, she can't indulge them as much as she wants.

He doesn't watch F1 at work, he can go without it on holiday. It isn't part of a fixed routine that would cause a meltdown.

MCSpammer · 08/04/2018 18:47

LTB

MCSpammer · 08/04/2018 18:48

I mean that btw. I wouldn't let a child behave like that, let alone a grown man. Total turn off

TerfsUp · 08/04/2018 18:49

What yorkshireyummymummy said.

I have autism and find a lot of these posts disabilist and offensive. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

JamesBlonde1 · 08/04/2018 18:54

So those with sympathy for the OP’s DH, what advice is offered to the OP? That’s what she posted about.

getmyshittogether · 08/04/2018 18:57

So OP, does your DH behave like this with his boss? In which case how is he holding down a job?

I would not holiday with any adult who behaved like this. If he finds it so difficult surely he would be happier staying at home anyway?

BarbarianMum · 08/04/2018 19:04

So he's disabled (autism) but you'd like him to just switch off the disability whilst on holiday. I'm sure lots of parents and partners wish this but I don't think it works like that.

DetectiveGoren · 08/04/2018 19:11

Well if her husband really is autistic like she claims/thinks then she could start (like most of the people on this thread need to do) by accepting and recognising that autism is a real disability and that for one thing meltdowns aren't "toddler tantrums" as the title of thread calls them. And on a similar note she needs to understand that dealing with change or unexpected events especially in relation to special interests can be really difficult for an autistic person. As for giving advice has she even talked to him about the possibilty he's autistic so they can talk about how to deal with and manage stuff like this? Or has she simply decided he's autistic all by herself?

And saying how does he manage at work is completely irrelevant, does he watch F1 at work? No, probably not given that F1 is on only on Sundays. And more importantly if he really is autistic then like lots of autistic people perhaps he can hold it together at work and mask, putting on a pretence of normal. Doing that is exhausting and sometimes doing it at work or in the real world is necessary, a person might not have the reserves to do the same at home - nor should they have to.

I wish I could say I was surprised by the disabilist posts on this thread, but I'm not, it's all depressingly predictable.

Fairylea · 08/04/2018 19:17

I feel sorry for both of you actually.

I say that as a woman with autism and son who has autism (aged 6). I know we can both be exhausting to others! I don’t cope with changes in routine easily, I would really struggle for example on a holiday where I had no WiFi to keep up with the things I enjoy, and I would hate plans to be changed at the last minute - I would try my hardest to go along with it to appease other people but if it was really stressful in other ways as well it would probably throw me over the edge (in a meltdown I would be very agitated, find it hard to relax at all and be very snappy even if tried not to be). For me in order to calm a meltdown I need to be able to either go for a run or a very long brisk walk, alone, to calm down. What does your dh do to calm down? What works for him?

MimpiDreams · 08/04/2018 19:34

I'd like to add that it's entirely typical that autistic issues get worse as you get older. It's so normal I'm surprised so many on this thread clearly don't know.

As children with autism get older they learn masking and coping behaviours. Young adults with autism often appear to cope well and slip under the radar unnoticed. But it's exhausting and nobody can keep it up their whole lives, acting like they're coping when inside it's all falling apart. So there comes a point where you can't do it anymore. For some people it's a catastrophic crash, for others it's a gradual slide.

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