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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want a holiday where DH does not have a toddler tantrum?!

72 replies

trinity0097 · 08/04/2018 14:18

I’m fed up of putting up with DH! We are on holiday, a much needed break from a heavy workload for both of us. DH is definitely on the spectrum, but never officially disagnosed. One of his obsessions is F1, and he is in a grump that he can’t watch it live at the hotel. He is in a grump as he has a bit of a dodgy tummy and is in a grump as our usual holiday routine of a cocktail before dinner and then dinner and a cocktail afterwards was disrupted yesterday, with his agreement at the time, to have room service and a light meal as we had been out all day at a cooking course and ate a big late lunch around 3pm.

He’s in one of those moods where he just can’t be turned around, so I have given up trying and am letting the man child strop it out in the room. He was nearly an embarrassment at lunch throwing his sunglasses on the table. Fed up of having the deal with toddler tantrums if a routine is changed slightly!

OP posts:

Fairylea · 08/04/2018 19:48

Mimipi - that is exactly what has happened time and time again in my family (lots and lots of us with autism). My Uncle - 75 and just coming through his third divorce - is really struggling at the moment. He has spent his whole life in science - 2 PhDs, etc etc - and now he is older and cannot find work in his chosen field and his third marriage has ended he is having a complete breakdown as he is unable to cope. It is very sad. (My mum is supporting him).

Walkingdeadfangirl · 08/04/2018 22:25

I reckon most posters would have a different view if they had an autistic son.

pandarific · 08/04/2018 22:46

You don’t have to accept crap behaviour, on the spectrum or not he is a grown ass man. He’s choosing to take it out on you. Are you really okay with that?

pandarific · 08/04/2018 22:47

Op’s husband has not been diagnosed by the way.

GrooovyLass · 08/04/2018 23:25

Neither have a lot of adults because it wasn't diagnosed back in the day.

You don't choose to have a meltdown.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 08/04/2018 23:29

You don’t have to accept crap behaviour, on the spectrum or not
So what? you marry an autistic man and then a few years later declare its not acceptable? FFS

pandarific · 08/04/2018 23:56

At any point in any relationship if the other party is making you unhappy then it’s fair to re-examine the relationship.

Shoxfordian · 09/04/2018 05:28

So if you marry a man who has autism then you should just put up with sulky grumpy behaviour then?

Original poster

trinity0097 · 09/04/2018 06:30

That’s the thing he doesn’t really have a coping strategy to help him calm down, especially not in public. He needs some help with that, but no idea how to get that sort of help!

He calmed right down after the Grand Prix and I got an apology at dinner for him being an arse!

OP posts:

Sunshinewater · 09/04/2018 07:19

There is a lot of hatredfor men on this site. The slightest thing they do is automatically assumed they are complete assholes. No shades of grey.Just ignore it, OP.

Greenhouseonthehill · 09/04/2018 07:28

If you both think he has ASD, why don’t you have him formally assessed when you get home and if you want to stay with him, work out strategies for going on holiday together.

orangesmartieseggs · 09/04/2018 07:46

So what? you marry an autistic man and then a few years later declare its not acceptable? FFS

Nobody has to stay in a marriage they're not happy in!

MiserableFucker · 09/04/2018 07:52

If you genuinely believe he has autism then he needs coping strategies. Take it from someone who has been diagnosed with ASD since I was 12, nothing else helps.

He has to learn how to manage himself. Yes autism is incredibly difficult to live with and sometimes things are overwhelming but assuming he has a job etc he's high functioning enough to live a relatively normal life so needs to learn to behave in a appropriate way. Having autism isn't the same as behaving like a arsehole. Nor should you stay in a unhappy marriage because you believe he can't control his behaviour. I sincerely hope my husband wouldn't do that.

He needs an adult assessment. Then you know. At the moment his behaviour is being excused on a 'maybe'

TerfsUp · 09/04/2018 08:02

There is a lot of hatredfor men on this site. The slightest thing they do is automatically assumed they are complete assholes. No shades of grey.

Nope. The hatred is for autistic people. It's the last group that it's ok to be sneering and nasty and horrible about.

I hope you're having fun, posters, with your disabilitist posts.

BarbarianMum · 09/04/2018 08:07

No, nobody has to stay in a marriage for whatever reason. But they can be honest - "I am leaving because I can't handle the effect this disability has on our lives" rather than blame the partner with a disability for not switching it off when it gets in the way.

orangesmartieseggs · 09/04/2018 08:14

I reckon most posters would have a different view if they had an autistic son.

I've read hundreds of posts on here where parents of autistic children feel they absolutely cannot cope anymore. They have no respite, their child is often violent (and strong) when they meltdown and it's broken up marriages - lots of threads where people wish their children weren't autistic and that they wished it was easier to access help and respite.

If it's okay for parents to struggle and want a break, why is not okay for adult partners to want the same thing? My dad is on the spectrum and he's bloody hard to live with - it was damn difficult growing up with and I wouldn't choose it as an adult. I found it draining, upsetting and a real challenge at times.

Nobody has to stay married to someone just because their difficult behaviour is the result of a disability. I don't think that's being disablist - those of you with autistic children - if they married, would you want their partner to stick by them even if it made them utterly miserable to do so? If so, why?

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 09/04/2018 08:21

OP, I know how hard it is coping with an autistic family member. The most difficult aspect for me has always been when they, after having thrown a tantrum and relieved themselves of the stress, they are not aware of the stress they have caused you and that you are still feeling!

I don’t think you should have to put yourself out with doing extra planning as you no doubt have problems and stresses of your own.
You’re his wife, not his mother. Besides you cannot plan for every unforeseen event.

But I do think a diagnosis would help. Because it will help him to see that he needs to put into place coping mechanisms. Would he be amenable to that? To taking responsibility. Does he even know that he has a problem, and is potentially autistic?

If the answer is no and your husband is one of those many men who don’t see the work that their wives do, who go from their Mum managing everything for them to their wives without realising the work involved then you might be onto a loser and going on holiday by yourself might be the answer.

The other crucial question is: do you have DC? Because if you don’t....

JustDanceAddict · 09/04/2018 08:31

I know of some undiagnosed ASD men and they can also be very difficult. You can have sympathy with someone who is on the spectrum, but it doesn’t mean their behaviour shouldn’t be challenged. If he’s cognitively able then he should’ve made his own preparations for his F1 viewing, and realised the lunch would’ve meant no, or a light, dinner. If he needs time out, then he should have it, but not tantrum to the DW.

MiserableFucker · 09/04/2018 08:47

I can't understand how people are turning this into some kind of 'everybody hates autistic people' rant.

I have ASD. I also have a child with ASD who is much more severely affected than I am. The good, bad and ugly of autism is pretty much my day to day life. It's still not an excuse to treat people like crap and not a reason for someone to stay in a unhappy marriage.

I have no doubt that being in a relationship with someone with ASD is difficult. I'm sure my poor husband has had moments where he has felt like enough was enough. But he sees the effort I make to control myself everyday and admires that. Regardless of the fact that I have ASD our relationship is still one of give and take and mutual respect.

Change in routine for example. I struggle hugely with this. I won't profess to be perfect but in general I will try to use coping strategies to prepare for and deal with such changes. I'm assuming your husband knew in advance he was going on holiday? You can help him of course but you are not his mother. He needs to learn to regulate himself.

Honestly just because someone has autism doesn't mean they can behave however they please. Yes there may be a reason behind the behaviour but that doesn't mean that behaviour can go unchecked and accepted.

Considering the OPs husband isn't even diagnosed and this is all just a presumption for someone who could just be a awful grumpy twat using a possible disability to guilt her into putting up with it is shocking.

I hope my husband never stays with me out of any misplaced guilt because I have autism. I'm not a charity case to be pitied. That's the only insulting thing on here tbh

maxthemartian · 09/04/2018 09:12

I have ASD. Diagnosed as an adult.
That's the thing though, I'm autistic not a child and I do my level best not to use it as an excuse if I'm in a bad mood.
I do have meltdowns on holiday but it's more exhausted and crying in the hotel room rather than stropping at my husband in a restaurant.
And it's me that microplans the holidays, I don't expect him to do it.

Fairylea · 09/04/2018 09:42

I don’t think it’s at all helpful for anyone to refer to someone with asd (regardless of whether this particular person or not) as having a “tantrum”. People with autism have meltdowns- it’s not the same thing. By using that term when referring to an adult with autism you are implying it’s also acceptable to use it to describe a child with autism - neither are acceptable. When my 6 year old child is having a meltdown I do not want people saying he is having a “tantrum” - it implies he has control over it and that bad parenting is at fault. Neither of which is true.

Troels · 09/04/2018 10:14

I go without Dh, it's too stressful for him to go on holiday with both me and Dd, so Dd and I book and go without him. He enjoys a week of having the house to himself no pressure.
Once Dd is grown and gone, we will have a go at holidays of just me and Dh, no promises it'll work. Last time we went just us was just before our wedding, 33 years ago.

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