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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do his ironing

79 replies

Dorigen · 07/04/2018 20:40

Will try to keep it brief, though long story. DP has buggered off for a week or so with his friends (we don't live together). I just had a message from his cleaning/ironing lady to say she won't be in this coming week as she has flu.

So as not to drip feed: we have been together 3 years, but he has yet to introduce me to his family and friends. He sets great store by looking ironed. WIBU to do his ironing in his absence?

OP posts:
trojanpony · 08/04/2018 09:57

OP what’s the answer to this
Have you actually ever asked him why he has never introduced you. ? and what was his response?

Also, you've been together 3 yrs but still technically married. Why has your divorce taken so long - and has he alluded to it in anyway, ? eg.. "can't wait for your divorce to come through and be an official couple"
I also don’t think he is married but do think there are several red flags all of which you are already aware of...

Nanny0gg · 08/04/2018 10:04

If there is not a clean and ironed shirt for Monday, perhaps do that, but otherwise not.

I'm sure he can manage that when he gets home!

kittensinmydinner1 · 08/04/2018 10:06

The thing is that everyone getting all militant about his ironing is all a bit weird.

If you had a good friend of either sex, who needs an ironed shirt for Monday morning and somehow, you found out that the Ironing service they had arranged and relied upon could not fulfil the usual request - and you had the time and inclination. Why would you not help out. ?
If he/she expected you to do it, assumed you would do it or in anyway made presumptions upon you, then of course the answer is 'sorry I'm too busy'. But this is not the case. I would do this without hesitation for my adult children, friends and of course DH. Because it's a kind and thoughtful thing to do.

What has he said about the no friends / family thing OP. ? Or have you never discussed it. (Now that is a bit weird)

Nanny0gg · 08/04/2018 10:09

It takes 5 minutes to iron a shirt.

They don't live together so it'll take her longer to get there than to iron the shirt.

He can do it.

RainyApril · 08/04/2018 10:12

Surely the cleaner would text him first?

Maybe he told her to text you, so that you'd do it.

I wouldn't. If I got a message from him asking if I could iron one shirt so that he had something smart for work the day after returning from holiday, I'd do that as a favour for anyone, but I wouldn't just go and do it, no.

And I also don't understand why you haven't met his friends and family after such a long time. He should be proud and excited to introduce you. Is he ashamed of you, or ashamed of them, or worried they'll tell you things about him that you won't like?

Angrybird345 · 08/04/2018 10:14

Who haven’t met friends and family after 3 years? He might be on holiday but you’re the one being taking for a ride.

Juells · 08/04/2018 10:14

The thing is that everyone getting all militant about his ironing is all a bit weird.

It's not straightforward, though. He obviously keeps his whole life separate from hers. She might go to the trouble of ironing his shirt out of kindness, and be accused of encroaching on his privacy.

pinkyredrose · 08/04/2018 10:18

How old is he OP and how old are you? This relationship sounds odd.

Parker231 · 08/04/2018 10:24

I wouldn’t class your set up as a relationship. Why didn’t the ironing lady contact him as he is her customer? And no you shouldn’t do his ironing. He has two arms, he can do his own.

stressedoutpa · 08/04/2018 10:43

Oh my god no. Why on earth would you?!

What are you getting from this relationship?

PhyllisWig · 08/04/2018 10:52

I read the title and thought yes, it's nice to be nice to the people you love.

Then I opened it and read it. No.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 08/04/2018 10:54

You say he is older than you. Is he A LOT older than you?

thecatsthecats · 08/04/2018 11:03

My rule has always been that if my fiance is working late (sometimes not home til 10 from the office, sometimes past midnight), I'm happy to do a shirt, but if he's having a jolly, then he can do it

NorthStarGrassman · 08/04/2018 11:43

The thing that strikes me most about this is that you consider him important enough to introduce to your children (and presumably partly live with them?) but he doesn’t even consider you important enough to introduce to his friends?! Fuck that.

Appuskidu · 08/04/2018 11:47

He’s on holiday and you are at home with three kids AND he hasn’t introduced you to anyone, yet you are contemplating doing his ironing!

Don’t be a doormat!

Lobsterquadrille2 · 08/04/2018 12:03

Hi OP, is your user name from the Franklin's Tale and wasn't she caught between her husband and another man in a situation of courtly love?

Very odd not being introduced to family and friends after three years - unless, I suppose, your DP doesn't see them much himself. I get the separate houses thing though, especially as you have three teenagers. I wouldn't be doing any ironing though ....

TittyGolightly · 08/04/2018 12:10

He is not your partner. To him you are a convenient shag. Don’t become a skivvy as well.

Spend the time you would have spent ironing finding some self respect.

RedSkyAtNight · 08/04/2018 12:26

The ironing is neither here nor there. In a normal relationship there is a bit of give and take, not absolute demarcation of jobs.

If you have time, and your DP generally would do things for you if the tables were turned, then by all means do his ironing. Just ironing one shirt would be a "nice thing to do". It only makes you a skivvy if it's always assumed that you will pick up household jobs and DP never does anything.

(My DH is currently hoovering while I MN - I don't believe he feels he is a skivvy, he just thought it needed doing.)

StealthNinjaMum · 08/04/2018 12:45

We're not trying to give you a pasting just perhaps help you to realise that he does not sound very committed and I would be horrified if I thought a partner was 'ashamed' of me. If you can't talk to each other about such an important issue as to why you haven't met his friends and family your communication doesn't sound great either. I hope you can work it out.

expatinscotland · 08/04/2018 12:54

Jesus wept! Can't believe you even considered going over there and skivvying for him whilst he's swanned off on holiday. Or that his cleaner texts you, because you're women. He's got two arms and two legs, he can iron his own shirts.

Cambionome · 08/04/2018 13:29

Yes Redskyatnight, in a normal relationship that would be a bit different although I don't iron for anyone but this clearly isn't a "normal" relationship.
Haven't you read the thread?

Cambionome · 08/04/2018 13:30

Otherwise, exactly what expat said.

Original poster
Dorigen · 08/04/2018 13:56

Thank you for the responses. I think you have all in fact been very kind (was expecting far worse, given the huge number of red flags here). I would rather not go into much detail about the relationship (11 yr age gap, so not absolutely massive) for fear of outing, but I think my ironing dilemma has been solved.

Lobsterquadrille2, I would like to say you are right about the username (and should have thought of it, having read the Franklin's Tale aeons ago). Sorry to say, though, that I was thinking of the names of the horses in Totopoly. Grin

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/04/2018 14:24

He needs to deal with his own fucking cleaner, not you because you have a vagina.

romany4 · 08/04/2018 14:33

My son's girlfriend did his washing and ironing for him. ONCE. Because i soon told her he was completely capable of doing it himself and it wasn't her job