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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do his ironing

79 replies

Dorigen · 07/04/2018 20:40

Will try to keep it brief, though long story. DP has buggered off for a week or so with his friends (we don't live together). I just had a message from his cleaning/ironing lady to say she won't be in this coming week as she has flu.

So as not to drip feed: we have been together 3 years, but he has yet to introduce me to his family and friends. He sets great store by looking ironed. WIBU to do his ironing in his absence?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 07/04/2018 21:06

Why would this even cross your mind? I wouldn’t bother passing the message on or doing the ironing, if his cleaner hadn’t contacted him that’s their problem.

Although given the not introduces to family and friends I’d consider burning holes in the lot. You should probably just give him two weeks to organise and execute a meet the parents and a meet the friends event or never to call you again.

Domino20 · 07/04/2018 21:07

So he could be anywhere? With anyone? Or can you access his social media to see that he is really in holiday with friends?

Frusso · 07/04/2018 21:11

I don't get it. You know what you would say if it was your dd. So why do the same words not apply to you?

g1itterati · 07/04/2018 21:17

"Cleaner is texting me because she is a woman and so am I (and she is one of the few people who knows about this relationship, because women talk to one another)".

What does this mean?

You are not employing his cleaner, are you? If she's unwell and will not be in work, she needs to let him know.

If you were living with this man or he was your husband then, fair enough, do his ironing if you want to, but this relationship sounds very non-committed on his part. Are you trying to prove something here maybe? To him or to yourself? I don't know.

Juells · 07/04/2018 21:17

she is one of the few people who knows about this relationship, because women talk to one another

Shhhhhhh...someone might find out.

Original poster
Dorigen · 07/04/2018 21:19

Domino20, we don't do social media (MN excepted). But I am quite sure he is where he says he is.

Otherwise, food for thought here.

OP posts:
yorkshireyummymummy · 07/04/2018 21:27

Dorigen
Sorry if I came across as a little harsh.
You come across as intelligent by the way you write .
This is a very very odd situation. You know yourself that it’s strange. And the fact that he won’t answer your questions about why is just piling on the doubts about this man.
I have no doubt that you love him. But for some reason, no matter what he says, he doesn’t love you. If he did he would either a) introduce you to his F&F or b) explain to you why he won’t ie, you are still married.

It’s not right how he is treating you and you are setting an awful example to your children. If you are adamant he isn’t married then he is ashamed of you - and who wants to be with a man who is ashamed of them?? Surely you must think more of yourself than to allow that??

What do YOUR friends and family think of him and his ‘unusual’ behaviour?
Please, do yourself a favour and forget about his bloody ironing. Write a list of questions, give them to him and tell him that unless he answers them all tomyour satisfaction then you cannot continue a relationship in which you have so little value as you are giving your children the message that it’s ok to be treat like this.
Please, stop being a woman who is hidden away and walked on. This is 2018 , not 1948.

SilverySurfer · 07/04/2018 21:34

So do you not think there is anything remotely dodgy about the fact that after three years, you still haven't met his family or friends?

And no, I wouldn't be doing his ironing. Perhaps you could have 'MUG' tattooed on your forehead at the same time?

Juells · 07/04/2018 21:36

What's in the relationship for you, apart from loving him?

MistressDeeCee · 07/04/2018 21:37

3 years not met his family and friends..not at family and friend occasions = you're in a casual relationship. & he doesn't want anyone to know about you. So, I expect you'll be replaced when he eventually meets a woman he wants to be serious with. Either that or he's away with his wife.

In which case No - don't do his ironing.

He has a cleaner/ironing lady so he's not the type that foists these tasks in to you is he? He didn't ask you to do it, the cleaner did. Youre not put upon. It's just that his arrangements have gone awry due to illness.

We see one another every day (when he's not fucking off with friends)

^Sonyoubdont see each other every day do you. & even if it was most days, I'm thinking it's not nighttime

Any man who hides a woman doesn't stay with her for life. I've no idea why you are letting a man hide you away but I'd perhaps get some counselling to explore some issues if I were you. You seem to truly believe you're in a relationship when you are so not.

GirlsBlouse17 · 07/04/2018 21:38

If you say your children are not his concern then his ironing is definitely not your concern.

It is also very wrong that you have not got to meet his family after 3 years together. He is keeping his lives in separate boxes

sparklepops123 · 07/04/2018 21:42

You have a better relationship with his cleaner.leave it there.

Belliniteeny · 07/04/2018 22:24

What girlsblouse said.

Original poster
Dorigen · 07/04/2018 22:33

Ok. I knew I was asking for a pasting in AIBU, so am not gling to complain when I get one.

Sparklepops your comment made me laugh all the same. i have known her for years,and love her too.

Honestly, there is no wife or OW involved here. I am the only woman. Which doesn’t make his behaviour any more acceptable, obviously. Sigh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dorigen · 07/04/2018 22:34

^ Gling. Wtf? Going!!

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 07/04/2018 22:38

Goes away a lot?is there any chance he is married with children?

Original poster
Dorigen · 07/04/2018 22:58

KarmaStar. No. Honestly. He is not married, and has adult children. I know exactly where he is, and who he is with. I have enough info via other people's social media to check up on him, should I want to - but I don't. Whatever the problems are, that is not one of them!

MistressDeeCee We do spend nights together, either at his or at mine, depending on what my DC are doing. Also go away together. Lives are completely intertwined. Except for the family and friends thing. Admittedly, this is a biggie.

OP posts:
hmmwhatatodo · 07/04/2018 23:09

Who knows what the deal is here. Do your friends and children know about him? Anyway, don’t bother doing his ironing! I assume that means you have a key to his home. Which is probably a good thing.

Sparklesocks · 07/04/2018 23:47

If you’re happy with your relationship status than that’s great, but I think a lot of people would want more - ie a former showing of commitment a few years in, meeting family and moving in together etc.

If you’re happy with the ways things are, great. Clearly it works for him too. But if you want more, I think you might want to think about whether or not this man can offer than to you.

PickAChew · 07/04/2018 23:51

He can sort it out when he gets back. You must definitely have better things to do. Married to DH for a long time and we only occasionally iron for each other. Note that it goes both ways.

kittensinmydinner1 · 08/04/2018 07:43

Have you actually ever asked him why he has never introduced you. ? and what was his response?

Also, you've been together 3 yrs but still technically married. Why has your divorce taken so long - and has he alluded to it in anyway, ? eg.. "can't wait for your divorce to come through and be an official couple"
Some people are very particular about marriage and would not like to be judged by family and friends for having a relationship with a woman who was still married - although it's increasingly rare as marriage becomes more easily disposable. ..
I don't believe for one minute that he's married as you are with him everyday and obviously stay at his - regardless- I wouldn't be doing his ironing unless you have plenty of free time, enjoy ironing and really want to.
It is ok to do acts of kindness to anyone. Especially for those we love. It's not OK for others to assume we will do them. Which doesn't appear to be the case here.

MismatchedStripySocks · 08/04/2018 08:43

Is he married? Sorry to sound goady but this set up is quite similar to my half sister and her long term boyfriend had an even longer term girlfriend that he is now married to Shock

Original poster
Dorigen · 08/04/2018 09:03

Really, honestly, he is not married. I have access to his house at all times, and use it as my own. But we both like our own space (hence separate houses) and my DC (all late teens) are happy with things the way they are, so I wouldn't want to upset their apple-carts at this stage.

But I think the MN vote suggests I will not be doing his ironing!! Grin

OP posts:
ForalltheSaints · 08/04/2018 09:40

If there is not a clean and ironed shirt for Monday, perhaps do that, but otherwise not.

My mum made sure I could iron properly long before I left home and went to university.

CheesecakeAddict · 08/04/2018 09:50

I've been with my OH for 10 years and I've not once ironed for him. He has two functioning hands. The fact he has a ballsack does not stop him from sorting out his own ironing when he gets home.