Living the dream... and not liking it :(

[hardtoplease]

We made the jump from city to countryside last year. I’ve got everything we talked about, big house, real fires, stand-alone bath, wet room, huge garden, country lanes, nature... and I don’t like it one bit.

The bath. How I longed for a bathroom like in the magazines. It’s crap. Water splashes everywhere including underneath and it starts to small damp if not wiped up. So you just finish a nice relaxing soak and then you’re on your hands and knees in a towel trying to wipe it all up. It’s a big house, it’s hard and expensive to heat. The underfloor heating is cracking the tiles so it looks awful and feels nasty. The place is so big the water pressure is shite and it takes ages for the hot water to come through the tap.

Something died in our roof space, the smell lasted 6 weeks. We couldn’t find it. Experts couldn’t find it. We run out of stuff constantly and the nearest shop is a small garage a few miles away. We have to drive to get anywhere. So much for all those country walks. We did more when we drove in from the city at weekends. The weather has been shit so we haven’t used the garden much. Trees came down. We were snowed in. The cars were iced up in the mornings. When the electricity went we were grateful for the real fires but the mess, the mess. And there’s mud tramped in everyday.

It’s a huge house. I have to walk up two flights of stairs if I’ve left something in the bedroom. Everything you want upstairs is downstairs and vice versa.

The saving grace... we rented! We can move back (not for six months:( ) to our city place and live the real dream with 24 hour shops within walking distance and restaurants and coffee shops and low bills and no stairs and I can have a bath without it being a major expedition. We can drive to the countryside when we want and then leave the dead animals and mud there when we leave.

But DH thinks we should stick with the decision now we have made it! He has a huge commute instead of a short walk, but he says it’s “running away”. He hates the commute! He’s a wackaloon!

Who is being unreasonable?! We’ve tried it for six months. We tried it. It’s shit.

Why do people say “give it the summer and then you might love country living?” It’s not like winter was a one off, it’ll be back again soon, that’s a given

Have you looked at the homeless statistics recently?

O rly.

yvest this winter has been much worse than usual. Plus we have had an outrageous amount of rain meaning everywhere is still bottomless. That isn't normal at this time of year.

Sounds awful!! I live in a medium town now, everything in walking distance, can go days without using the car because it’s so easy to get everywhere! Loads for the kids to do. I’d hate to move to the countryside.. all that driving to do anything at all. Also, you’ll be driving teenagers to all their social activities forever if you stay there.
Accept it isn’t for you and move back. My friends have just done so and left their huge house behind. They hated it and are much happier back in the city.
Your DH gets to experience action through his job.. you are stuck by the sound of it. Just move back!

See that's definitely something that you both have to think about. Two parents doing that kind of commute is incredibly difficult with young dc. Generally you'll find one does it while the other is the SAHP. That's not what you want so not an option.

It seems to me that neither of you are getting any benefit from living where you do. It's not just about the flights of stairs, the driving everywhere, it's that you're potentially going to become more isolated - you've said you've already lost touch with some friends and it's difficult to get to know people where you are. On top of that he's exhausted from his long commute, you're presumably only getting limited time together through the week and him even less with the baby.

I know you did some research but I don't think you fully realised what life in the countryside was going to be, not just the obvious stuff like shops and pubs but what your life would actually be like. It just doesn't seem like there are any positives to staying where you are and a whole lot of downsides.

Your reasons are sound. Perhaps DH doesn't want to admit to this mistake out of stubborn pride - that's all it is.

It's a bit like, 'if at first you don't succeed, try, try and try again - then give up - don't be a damn fool about it.'

There is a great deal to be said about knowing when to throw the towel in and being brave enough to do so.
Common sense says go back to the city as soon as you reasonably can.

I do hope that the spring and summer bring better things for you.

We moved from a large city halfway across the country to a town (that thinks it's a village and only provides services for a village 🙄), so not as rurally as you but I hate it. DP loves it for some reason I just cannot fathom. The people aren't even that friendly.

There are two larger towns very close by where I tend to spend my time and have actually made friends but dp won't countanance moving to either for very snobbish reasons.

I've sworn now that given the opportunity to move again at a minimum there must be a shopping centre, hospital, swimming pool and cinema - signs of life basically. Oh and footpaths. I spent my maternity leave wheeling dd round random streets only to have to turn back because of suddenly ending footpaths 🙄

Much like you we seemed to spend a lot more time in green spaces before we moved. Our home city had easy access to huge parks or woods. Everything here seems to be fenced off as working fields or pay to enter national trust property unless you drive for miles which seems to defer the purpose.

This is exactly why we are moving and buying a new build within walking distance of the town. I'm longing for gas fired central heating and a warm insulated house!

I found the rural life to be cliquey and snobbish. I've done less walking here than I ever did in the town and am sick of spending money on fuel to get a pint of milk!! I'll take my new soulless box anyday of the week!!! Decent water pressure and street lighting on pavements will reinforce my thinking anytime I get wistful

When we crave rural we will AirBnB it somewhere remote and remind ourselves we are townies at heart

I am with you. What you have described is exactly why I couldn't live in the country.
You were sensible trying it out by renting. You haven't made your bed at all, you have tried it and it didn't work for you.
What dh needs to do is acknowledge this and then talk sensibly about whether there is an viable and affordible alternative.
For us, suburbia works perfectly. 25 min commute and we are in the city, 24 hour supermarkets and cafes with sensible hours nearby, a million baby/toddler groups but also 10 minutes from parks, fields, farm shops, good air quality etc.
Have a think about what you want and then consider other locations. I didn't believe what I wanted existed, it does and I plan not to move till they carry me out to a retirement home!

Spoilt brat

Yes she should be forced to live her life in utter misery shouldn't she?

OP You tried it, didn't like it - nothing wrong with that and if I were you I'd be moving back to the city.

Fortunate that you rented! Places like that are hard to sell usually so it could have been much worse. We've mostly lived in the country, and it does have its advantages and disadvantages of course. It doesn't suit everyone. Part of me would love a modern house/flat in walking distance to shops etc, but I don't want neighbours .... so I have to compromise. I love being able to walk out of my back door and see no other houses or people - could walk around naked if I wanted but the farmer might see if he's around. We are a mile from a big supermarket on the edge of town, so not isolated. Sounds like you need to be closer to things too, so start looking!

You might feel a bit happier in the summer so I'd give it the full 6 months then you should be on a rolling contract with one month's notice so easy to leave after that. Summer or winter though, a big old house can be a nightmare with heating bills, maintenance, pest control etc. More modern the better in my experience, and only as big as you need.

We certainly saw the country through rose tinted glasses, I had no idea of the car use. I think nothing of walking around London, miles and miles, and thought people would do it here lol!

Plus ladybirds. We have thousands of them . I hate them .

took me 6 months to stop running out of stuff and learn how to keep the house stocked. I had not needed to when we lived in London.

Took about a year to really start enjoying it and I would say a further 2 before I really felt " i belong here"

now you couldnt get me to move back. the kids (all teenagers - early 20s) are all wanting to leave asap

Persuade your Dh to give notice on this rental house ASAP.

I'm in the same boat as you, OP! We sold our beloved little flat when DS was 6 months old, close to shops, friends and trains that get you in to the city centre in 15 minutes.

I'm not happy here. Yes, the air is cleaner, we're in a house not a flat and we have a garden, but it takes me over an hour to get into town now. Don't know anyone here my age and too far from shops to make it a pleasant walk.

We said we'd rent here for a year to see how it goes, and I've made my decision. I want to move back closer to the city. It's not a failure, it's been an experiment from the outset. One that we had to try, and I'm glad we did.

DH would love to stay despite the 2 hour round commute, but he gets to see people in the office all day. I don't, and nearly lost the plot when DS and I got snowed in and he was away with work for 2 weeks.

I'll have to give up being a sahm so that we can afford to move back, but my sanity is more important!

gingham yes, only buy a house as big as you need. We have a couple of rooms we don’t need, but the main thing is they are huuuge rooms, far too big, looks lovely but like living in a barn.

@hardtoplease

Can't be easy if one you is unhappy and the other is content.

Me and DH live in a little village - 300 population, 1 little primary school, a Church, one pub, a little community shop (the size of a garage,) where you can get essentials, and the woodlands and fields and canal and river within 10 to 20 minutes walks. No public transport and down narrow country lanes and the nearest main road is a B road - 3 miles away. So no-one comes here unless they live here. Zero crime. Zero noise. It's perfect.

In 7 years, we have only been 'snowed' in for 10 days in total. (Early 2011, early 2012, and this winter (2017 into 2018.) Out of more than 2600 days, we have only been snowed in for 10 of them! The farmers clear all the lanes, and it's very rare we are snowed in!

So we have to drive to the main town (4 miles away) for most things, (main shops, doctors, dentists etc,) but when we lived in the soulless suburbs in a big town, we had to drive everywhere. Our childrens high school was 3.5 miles away, and the main shopping centre was 4.5 miles away! Even the doctors and the nearest SHOP was 1.5 miles away! There was a bus to town and the high school, but it took an HOUR and 10 minutes to get to both (compared to 10 to 15 minutes drive.) because it went all around the bloody suburbs and in and out of all the roads etc...

My kids (and me!) would have had to be up at 6am, to enable them to be ready for 7.15am to get the bus that would get them to school on time. Fuck THAT when I could drive them in a FIFTH of the time and we could all stay in bed an extra hour!

So anyway, living in the suburbs was not great, and the neighbours were a cross between working people who couldn't be arsed to talk, and grumpy people who had been there for 20-25 years who thought they owned the street. In 10 years there, we never made any friends there.

In our lovely little rural village now, the amount of friends we have runs into double figures, we are part of several hobby groups, we go to the pub 2 or 3 times a month, we are part of a pub quiz team, and we live near some spectacular countryside, and have an amazing view of mountains from our lounge window, as we are quite high up. We regularly go for walks, and there are plenty of country 'back roads' and pathways for us to walk on. And the farmers let you walk around the edges of their fields, to enable you to get around the countryside...

Everyone stops and says hello and chats for a few minutes when they see you, but no-one is in and out of anyone else's house. It's literally perfect. We used to dream about living in a place like this when we were young, and now we do.

Maybe a village not too far from civilisation would be good for you OP?

Sounds like you and your DH are nowhere NEAR being on the same page though, by your negative comments about country-living.

@Ummmmgogogo

London schools are generally better than country schools

LOL. No they're not. You can't make stuff up just to suit your 'London is better than the countryside' argument!!!

We live in a city now but my DH grew up in a country town. A while back, before we had children, we went to stay with an old friend of his who'd settled in the country town with his wife.

On the long taxi ride home from the restaurant that night, my DH and his friend pointed out about 5 locations where various friends and acquaintances had died in car-related accidents when they were younger, either as passengers or pedestrians. All were in their late teens and all involved alcohol.

I was really shocked, as I'd never known anyone die like that growing up in a city, as everyone walked or bussed everywhere.

Look at market town or bigger village.
Plenty of nice places in easy commute.

Op it does sound horrendous but then again to me country living sounds like a nightmare. I would feel stifled and suffocated. I am all for city living and lived in central London for a very long time. The convenience, abundance of everything at a walking distance, the choice and vibe of the city. You definitely looked at this house and lifestyle through rose tinted glasses.
Fortunately it's a rental and you can get out soon.

I'm a city person who moved to a rural cottage for Dh's dream. I would have moved after the first year but we had no children and i learned to drive which made it a bit more bearable and we ended up living there for 15 yrs.

When we moved here I insisted on suburbia ( although I would have gone back to city in a heartbeat) and we both love it. It's cleaner, quieter, less expensive (old houses cost a lot of upkeep money), more convenient, children could walk to school and all facilities within a short walking distance. DH can be in the countryside in under half an hour.

Maybe a compromise is necessary

If you have another 6 months on the lease then at least enjoy the summer.
You also have lots of time to look around,see if there are tons/villages that reduce your OHs commute and give you somewhere to meet people and put down roots.
Stickup your larder,find markets,fairs.Libraries are good places to meet people,there is usually something on for all preschoolers also the parents that go there go more regularly.Takng your DC to swimming classes for babies is also a good way to meet.
Release the ladybirds into the garden,they are coming out if hibernation now(you can do it gently with a dustpan and brush),
When it gets warmer get a cleaner for a few hours as you will soon only need your woidburner for the odd chilly evening soon.Theyre not all hard to light .
Then when you're not tired explain the difference to your OH of his life and your experience like being in the countryside and work out a compromise.

People also seem to have very different ideas of what constitutes a 'village'. I see there's people upthread saying they live in a small village that only has one pub, two shops, a couple of churches and one bus an hour.

Out here (North Yorkshire) we have villages which have none of these things. None. Our 'amenity' is a phone box.

So maybe there's 'rural' and there's 'rural' and some of us are talking at cross purposes.

"Plus ladybirds. We have thousands of them . I hate them ."

I live in London and it's the same. I like them though so that's easier.

I have often wondered about those footed baths btw.

But I tend to think shit weather makes a garden more useful. I'm not going go to the park in shit weather but I'd have a cuppa under my porch if I had a garden.

You may find you're more appreciative of the larger house and rural setting when your DC is older. When we had one DC aged 9 mths he'd have been happier anywhere but now he's 3.5 he really loves having space for his toys, a big garden, being able to go to the beach whenever we want. And with DC2 on the way the space thing becomes a bit of a dealbreaker.