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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So miserable i just want to die

64 replies

cantbreathethroughthis · 07/04/2018 03:48

Name changed for this. Long story involving a residency arrangement between me and ex DH for my son. He is eight. For the last six years, he has been living with his dad and staying with me alternate weekends. I wish he did live with me but the decision for him to live with his dad was right at the time of break up. In the meantime, I have had a baby girl so he has a sister age 3 who lives with me and my DP. Every time DS comes to stay at weekends he seems sad that he is not living here whilst his sister is. Well, I say sad but really only at the point of leaving. But it's very difficult to change a residency agreement without good reason. His dad is fantastic (I should add that I hate him as a person and as an ex-partner with good reason, but as a dad he is wonderful). My DS has a good life there and even if I was awful enough to rock the boat and go to court asking for residency, it wouldn't be granted and quite rightly so: why change a stable life for him just because my circumstances have changed? His dad wasn't supposed to be a stop-gap arrangement much as I would have liked it for that to be the case from a selfish POV. His dad got married last year and his stepmum can't have kids of her own. She loves my boy like her own and I am so grateful for that. Anyway....tonight he broke his arm and ended up in A and E until 1 am. They only called me at 1.30am as he was on his way home. Hre was supposed to come to me tomorrow for the weekend. And here is the crux of my ridiculous heartbreak: he said he didn't want to come this weekend. He said he wanted to stay home....I guess that is an 8 year old's way of articulating that he wanted his own bed and familiar surroundings. I DO understand but am absolutely heartbroken. I wanted to bring him here and cuddle him. I'm a grown up and he is a kid. But I feel so utterly rejected. Can't sleep, just up and crying since the phone call. I can't ask him why - that wouldn't be fair - but i can't bear that in his moment of pain he doesn't want his mum.

OP posts:
WhiskyIrnBru · 07/04/2018 03:53

Don't really have much advice op.Flowers That sounds like a really hard situation. Would counselling help? You're brave for writing this down. And the fact you realise the reason your son doesn't want to come this weekend is because he's wanting to be in a familiar place. Could you maybe visit him? Perhaps get him a wee treat while he rests (comic, book, DVD some sweets etc?)

Original poster
cantbreathethroughthis · 07/04/2018 03:56

I know my aibu seems incredibly over dramatic. But I am genuinely sat here breaking my heart. It's like all the pain of missing him on a day to day basis has got into a tight knot and the strings got tighter tonight to the point of unbearable pain.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantbreathethroughthis · 07/04/2018 03:58

They wouldn't like me to visit him there. It's not something that has ever happened. I will get him next weekend so I'm being ridiculous. God...maybe counselling would help. I didn't realise how much it hurts. I just want my babies with me...both of them. I know I'm in the wrong.

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Pollypudding · 07/04/2018 04:01

You sound like a lovely mum and are putting your son’s needs first. Of course it is natural to feel in pain when they are in pain. Would you be able to visit him this weekend?

Pollypudding · 07/04/2018 04:03

Sorry cross posted.

Shinycantle · 07/04/2018 04:04

No advice op, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you feel so sad tonight, but you sound like a wonderful mother who is putting the needs of her son before her own. And as such, I am sure there will be times ahead when your son will seek you out for support. Hang in there Flowers

Pretenditsaplan · 07/04/2018 04:04

Im going to be harsh his "homebase " is his dads you are second home. Its an usual situation just ask if you can visit him there its not usual circumatances. Bring him some chocolate and magazines spend an hour with him and go home be glad his accident wasnt worse.

Tobestronger · 07/04/2018 04:05

I think it is not looked at often enough that there are NRP Mothers out there and support systems are lacking as a result.
You obviously made a brave decision in the best interests of your boy that he would have a better or more stable life at the time with his Dad. I think you are right not to change that now.

Does he understand why his sister lives with you but he doesn't? If that is why he is sad can you reassure him that it isn't anything he's done and that you did it because it was best for him to be with Daddy at the time?

Would your ex allow you to visit with a small get well gift or magazine or such?

Pretenditsaplan · 07/04/2018 04:06

If you wanted to open a case of change of residence you could in theory use his broken arm as an excuse but by this age all youd so is upset him.

Shinycantle · 07/04/2018 04:06

Even if you can't visit there, could you just leave a bag of magazines/puzzles/sweets with a card on the doorstep or some such like Whisky suggested?

Tobestronger · 07/04/2018 04:07

Sorry xpost with the last line.

Kuriusoranj · 07/04/2018 04:07

It really doesn't sound over dramatic, sweetheart. It sounds incredibly painful and I'm so sorry you're hurting like this. I agree with Whisky, if you can get hold of some professional counselling it may help you work through all these completely understandable feelings.

Whatever's happened between you all, you're absolutely putting your son's feelings first and that says wonderful things about you as his mother.

filou87 · 07/04/2018 04:07

Hope your son recovers quickly OP. You sound like a wonderful, caring mum. Flowers

ScreamingValenta · 07/04/2018 04:08

I can't offer any real advice as I'm childfree, but the idea that your son doesn't want to leave his familiar space sounds totally logical. I think pps are right that counselling might be a good way forward for you in this difficult situation Flowers.

cornishmumtobe · 07/04/2018 04:08

I don't have any advice OP but you sound like a wonderful mother and I'm so very sorry you are feeling this way Thanks

Original poster
cantbreathethroughthis · 07/04/2018 04:14

I know that if I had an accident, I'd want to be in my own space. He wants to be in his cosy bed with his teddies and his books. And his dad and step mum are such absolute loves where he is concerned. I'm so lucky to know that is the case. He has said nothing that isn't 100% reasonable. Just the selfish part of me thought he may feel that cuddles by me in his other bed were what he needed. But he will get those next weekend a thousand times over. It's just raised up the longing for me that I wish he lived with me. I wish it so much. There is no reason a dad can't be the main carer if that is what is best at the time. But by God, it's hard. Maybe I'm going through what a lot of dads feel when they are the non-resident parent.

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Original poster
cantbreathethroughthis · 07/04/2018 04:19

Actually guys, I thought I'd just be writing on here to let my feelings out. BUT the suggestions about bringing him some books and treats, even if they don't want me to spend time in the house, is a really good one. A parcel of treats even dropped off at the door along with a big hug and a quick word about how much we are looking forward to seeing him next week would be a great idea. Thanks for that suggestion. Tears have dried now a bit. You are all wonderful. Flowers

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Original poster
cantbreathethroughthis · 07/04/2018 04:22

If you wanted to open a case of change of residence you could in theory use his broken arm as an excuse but by this age all youd so is upset him.

Yes, you're absolutely right. I'd never do that. In my selfish dreams I'd love for him to live with me, especially now that we have his sister here. But it would be a terrible thing to do, to damage his security and take him away from the dad and step mum who adore him. Not on the cards, ever.

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SD1978 · 07/04/2018 04:37

You’re right, this is the same feelings any NRP feels when something happens and it becomes obvious where the child feels their ‘home’ is. It’s heartbreaking, and it’s not personal. Maybe one day he’ll want to change things and spend more time with you, but the suggestions to go to court and force that, when he’s been happy for 6 years- I’m glad that you realise that isn’t necessarily in his best interests. I really hope that you can go and see him and that his dad will support that as being in your sons best interest. It’s awful feeling that they love you less or need you less than you need them- but that’s part of being a parent- whether your child is with you full time or not. You will always love them more and harder and more painfully than they will love you. The important thing is to remember that this doesn’t mean they do t love you, it’s just different. Big breath. You are doing this, you’ve got this, and you’ll see him soon xxx

Bufferingkisses · 07/04/2018 04:40

Can't help your heartbreak but just wanted to say you sound like a fantastic Mum.

The fact (which I know hurts) that your son could articulate his wants to you and know that you'd honour those is testament to that. Sort out the treats and keep the knowledge that you are doing a great job tucked away in a corner somewhere Flowers

moomoomummy · 07/04/2018 05:04

You sound like such a lovely Mum. Self aware, grateful of the care his gets with his Dad and you put him first before your needs. It wont be many more years before he will be more independent and probably seeing more of you . Because he wants to . Because you are a great Mum.

TeisanLap · 07/04/2018 05:50

OP, your son has so much love in his life and all of the adults around him have achieved that for him. Flowers

Go and get him some bits and pieces and word a text to your Ex saying something along the lines of 'DS's arm has opened up a new scenario and your sure he'll understand that you'd like to see DS even if its just long enough to hand over a couple of comics to him'

I can't see how anyone would refuse you that request, especially if you make him think - if the shoe was on the other foot what would I like to happen?

Original poster
cantbreathethroughthis · 07/04/2018 05:52

You're all lovely Flowers . I just lay down on the sofa and cried a bit more then fell asleep. Then Dp came and woke me up just now(we had a bit of a row before because I wouldn't come to bed and just wanted to be sad in the living room.) Think I've cried it all out now. I am trying to understand it & most important (in my mind) is that I never let Ds know it hurts so much. Going to bed now and lovely Dp says he'll get DD up and let me sleep. Then later today I'll see if I can deliver that parcel.

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Twiggyy · 07/04/2018 06:08

💐

Original poster
cantbreathethroughthis · 07/04/2018 06:13

Because this is anonymous, I'm going to admit the most awful thing. And please understand this was just in my head and I'd never, never actually do it; it was absolutely not my real intention. But in my heart of hearts I actually wanted to ask Ds why he didn't want to come. Isn't that awful? He's 8 FFS!! But I felt like a hurt child, rejected in the playground, and I wanted to know the reason why. The reason why?! Err...because that's his home and he had an awful shock and was in pain and wanted his familiarity. No shit Sherlock!! it's funny how you can know something rationally with your head but it still hurts so appallingly in your heart.

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