So miserable i just want to die

[cantbreathethroughthis]

Name changed for this. Long story involving a residency arrangement between me and ex DH for my son. He is eight. For the last six years, he has been living with his dad and staying with me alternate weekends. I wish he did live with me but the decision for him to live with his dad was right at the time of break up. In the meantime, I have had a baby girl so he has a sister age 3 who lives with me and my DP. Every time DS comes to stay at weekends he seems sad that he is not living here whilst his sister is. Well, I say sad but really only at the point of leaving. But it's very difficult to change a residency agreement without good reason. His dad is fantastic (I should add that I hate him as a person and as an ex-partner with good reason, but as a dad he is wonderful). My DS has a good life there and even if I was awful enough to rock the boat and go to court asking for residency, it wouldn't be granted and quite rightly so: why change a stable life for him just because my circumstances have changed? His dad wasn't supposed to be a stop-gap arrangement much as I would have liked it for that to be the case from a selfish POV. His dad got married last year and his stepmum can't have kids of her own. She loves my boy like her own and I am so grateful for that. Anyway....tonight he broke his arm and ended up in A and E until 1 am. They only called me at 1.30am as he was on his way home. Hre was supposed to come to me tomorrow for the weekend. And here is the crux of my ridiculous heartbreak: he said he didn't want to come this weekend. He said he wanted to stay home....I guess that is an 8 year old's way of articulating that he wanted his own bed and familiar surroundings. I DO understand but am absolutely heartbroken. I wanted to bring him here and cuddle him. I'm a grown up and he is a kid. But I feel so utterly rejected. Can't sleep, just up and crying since the phone call. I can't ask him why - that wouldn't be fair - but i can't bear that in his moment of pain he doesn't want his mum.

Op I'm so sorry. You sound such a good mum, recognising that the ex you hate and the step-mym are good parents. Is there any chance you could build some bridges so that you can have a friendlier relationship and a slightly more casual arrangement? Tbh if she's as lovely as you say I'd be surprised if she wasn't up for that (not sure about your ex as clearly there is history there)

That's really not awful. And anyway you didn't do it. You're being too hard on yourself.

Oh OP, sounds like you have good support around you which is great (definitely look into counselling as it will help you deal and process the emotion you feel, as it is very likely those feelings will never go away)
I would have thought if your ex is reasonable then he would allow a little visit, even if it isnt the norm.

Let us know how you get on OP. Thoughts are with you x

Is there no way that you could increase the access even a bit, surely EOW is very unfair. Sorry op for all you are going through, your feelings are all completely to be expected, don't feel bad

The stepmum is so nice that she is the only one who will get in touch with me, let me know about stuff that happens at school that my Ds may not tell me and just information about the minutiae of his daily life. I appreciate her so much for that. But she also has to have a loyalty to her husband and for that reason, I think she has gone as far as it's possible to go in making it "friendly". I wish the bridges could be built more firmly but there are at least bridges there to some extent where for the first few years there were just big chasms. My DP just said something to me which has made me think a bit; he said, "Maybe DS, when he comes here, wants to be on his best form so he can do fun stuff with you (we always cram a lot of fun stuff in) and he felt, driving home at 1am, that he would be tired and not on his best form." So, whilst I obviously want him not to feel he needs to be on best form, maybe that was the thought in his little head. Thanks again for all your kindness

Oh lovely, that must be an awful feeling, but I think that it would be fine and a lovely thing to take him a card, something to play with, a balloon, sweets, anything just to let him know that you understand, you know he's in pain and you just want to help him feel better.
I would hope that your ex would actually make sure he got those things if you went round.
Do you get on ok enough with them to ask to see him to give him the stuff, even if only for a couple of minutes?

And I think it would be reasonable to ask for a change of structure - could you do 50:50 instead of what you currently have? If your circumstances have changed sufficiently for you to be able to provide him with as stable a home as he has at his dad's, there's really no reason not to at least ask about it.

Have nc’d
I live in France and my 8yo DS is with one parent every other week. It has been this way for over a year. ( one week each)
I do not know the set up in the uk, but because of strained relations with my ex, I do not speak to my DS at all when he is with his dad. So we have a mediator. I also go to counselling. This is the space where you go and ask the questions like “why did you not want to come home with mummy DS”?

I totally understand how you feel. I grieve for DS a little bit every day when he is not with me.
However you need to do 2 things; counselling definitely and perhaps some medication to support you a little bit. (I take ssri’s).
Also see whether you can increase access so that perhaps you collect DS after school one night a week and he has tea with you & can get to know his half sister.
Your circumstances have changed and that is a good basis / reason for changing your custody arrangement

MissDuke I desperately want more access than EOW, but it is very hard to get the resident parent to agree unless a court says they must. So we may have to go to court, and we are considering that (NOT for residency, but just a bit more access) but for many reasons it is a difficult decision as to whether more access would be good or destabilizing, and whether launching a court case would make relations horribly strained and impact negatively in that way. I do think more access would be beneficial, but perhaps when DS is a little older and can articulate his wants more? I have to be very careful, in my own head and heart, to separate what I personally want and need from what he honestly needs. The former - harsh as it sounds - shouldn't come into consideration; only the latter.

Fifty50 interesting that you mention the week night thing because that is exactly what I am currently proposing via my lawyer. It would mean there isn't such a big gap between the EOW and i think that would be really good for DS, whilst still allowing him to wake up in his own bed on a school night. Sending you good wishes and strength for your situation. You sound like a fantastic parent yourself

From your DS’s point of view, he already has a place he considers home, so at least for the moment, every other week, is a big leap, but definitely ask to increase access.

The hardest thing to do is to put yourself in DS’s shoes when you are hurting so much. He is happy.
For this particular week, ask your ex / stepmum, whether you can have DS next weekend instead. And then the weekend after.
Don’t take him out too much, just let him stay at home & chill. Does he have his own room at your house? Can he personalise it a bit more...?

Fifty50 interesting too that you suggest medication because if I am honest, I feel so grief-stricken so much of the time that i sometimes feel I am cracking up. I have wondered if medication might help to heal some of this pain, and also some of the previous posters have made me think that counselling may be a good thing too. It has actually helped so much just tonight to put it into words and get feedback. I am usually very closed off and scared to talk about this in case it opens floodgates of pain that I can't close.

No, EOW means every other weekend, not every other week.

I wouldn't expect every other week - that would be massively destabilising for him.

OP you sound like a lovely caring mother who puts her child’s needs above her own.

I think the tea once a week idea suggested earlier sounds like a great compromise.

Hope you get to see DS even if it’s just for a couple of mins today

OP I would definitely try & go down the mediator route. It is a start. I hate to be cynical but it can also be documented should you need to go to court.
You are 100% right, from the powers that be it’s is all about what is good for your DS. I think weeknight access is a very reasonable request. I would ask DSs stepmum to be present as well as your ex. —I wish my ex had a reasonable girlfriend—
You have done everything right by your DS since the separation. Your sacrifice is as much the reason he is happy as his dad raising him. You have every right to feel sad. Unfortunately you have to temper it as much as possible. However in the long term, it will be great for your DS to experience normal family life with you, as well as action packed weekends (so tempting, I know). Good luck.

Alwayswonderingwhere thank you - some wise words there and food for thought. I will make another appointment with my lawyer and discuss some of the things you've said. Can't believe the kindness I've had from you all today. Not a single person has said anything harsh and hearing different viewpoints about possibly increasing access has made me see a bit of light. Off to catch a couple of hours sleep before my gorgeous daughter jumps on the bed, and then will put a care parcel together for delivery

I agree with pp - get him a balloon, his favourite food, a comic/small toy, and take them round. He needs to know his mum is thinking of him.

I also agree you need to ask for more access. Every other weekend really, really isn't enough. I think you're being so cautious about not rocking the boat for your ds that you're actually missing the point that you're doing your relationship disservice. Dinner at least once midweek really wouldn't rock his world too much in terms of stability, but may well make all the difference in how he sees your place in his life. NOW is the time to do this, not when he's older. When he's older his world opens up and time with his friends may well take precedence, as often happens with teens.

I really feel for you, but think you need to be tougher with your ex here. As lovely as his stepmum is (and she sounds wonderful), YOU are his mother, and it sounds as though your ex is trying to forget that somewhat.

OP, medication helps.
It helps lift the sadness when all you want to do is hide under the duvet & not feel the pain. The feelings you describe in your OP sound like you will definitely benefit from some meds. Hope all goes well today. I would say to step mum that you would like to pop over and see DS today. If it is still the Easter holidays, can you suggest an extended visit next access weekend, say Thursday night to Sunday.

Other thing to think about requesting is an extended weekend access Friday pick up after school to Monday morning. Also think about inviting some of DSs school friends over for weekend play dates.
My DS loves having his friends over & it will help your home feel more like his home too....

Alwayswonderingwhere I am aware of that possibility and when my son was seven I did have a long talk with him and told him that in my heart of hearts I wished he could be with me every second of every day. I told him all parents feel like this, and his daddy feels like this too. So that he knows both his daddy and I both want him very much, but he had to live with one of us and for various reasons, it was his dad who he ended up living with. It was a hard conversation to get right and I have only put the bare bones of it down on paper. I ask myself every day whether I should be pushing for more access....50:50 is like a dream for me.If his dad allowed it, it would be the most wonderful thing I could imagine But there are various schools of thought (legal ones and ones held by child-centred agencies) that this is not necessarily the right path. However if it was offered to me I would bite the proverbial hand off though. I think a lawyer's appointment and a bit of discussion about increase could be timely right now though. I had a horrible lawyer a few years ago who was genuinely outraged when I suggested alternate Christmas mornings with me, and he put the fear in me quite a bit. And this was my lawyer at the time, not ex DH's!. So that really knocked my confidence in my own ability to know what is reasonable. Obviously I have changed lawyers now!

Oh op you've made me cry. Your ds does need to be continually reminded of how much you miss him, not in a 'guilt' way but really light hearted. It must be tough to get the balance.

I have nothing to offer that hasn't already been said. Your son is lucky to have such wonderful adults in his life. It is a delight to hear a mum being so insightful and unselfish. Of course it hurts. You are hurting so he doesn't have to. You are protecting him, as a good mum should.