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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So miserable i just want to die

64 replies

cantbreathethroughthis · 07/04/2018 03:48

Name changed for this. Long story involving a residency arrangement between me and ex DH for my son. He is eight. For the last six years, he has been living with his dad and staying with me alternate weekends. I wish he did live with me but the decision for him to live with his dad was right at the time of break up. In the meantime, I have had a baby girl so he has a sister age 3 who lives with me and my DP. Every time DS comes to stay at weekends he seems sad that he is not living here whilst his sister is. Well, I say sad but really only at the point of leaving. But it's very difficult to change a residency agreement without good reason. His dad is fantastic (I should add that I hate him as a person and as an ex-partner with good reason, but as a dad he is wonderful). My DS has a good life there and even if I was awful enough to rock the boat and go to court asking for residency, it wouldn't be granted and quite rightly so: why change a stable life for him just because my circumstances have changed? His dad wasn't supposed to be a stop-gap arrangement much as I would have liked it for that to be the case from a selfish POV. His dad got married last year and his stepmum can't have kids of her own. She loves my boy like her own and I am so grateful for that. Anyway....tonight he broke his arm and ended up in A and E until 1 am. They only called me at 1.30am as he was on his way home. Hre was supposed to come to me tomorrow for the weekend. And here is the crux of my ridiculous heartbreak: he said he didn't want to come this weekend. He said he wanted to stay home....I guess that is an 8 year old's way of articulating that he wanted his own bed and familiar surroundings. I DO understand but am absolutely heartbroken. I wanted to bring him here and cuddle him. I'm a grown up and he is a kid. But I feel so utterly rejected. Can't sleep, just up and crying since the phone call. I can't ask him why - that wouldn't be fair - but i can't bear that in his moment of pain he doesn't want his mum.

OP posts:

Alwayswonderingwhere · 07/04/2018 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fifty50 · 07/04/2018 09:02

Tell him that you love him, and you think about him all the time, but do not say that you miss him, it will only add to his guilt. The most important thing is that he knows he is loved. If you want to pm me, I can tell you more about how 50/50 has worked for me

FreshStartToday · 07/04/2018 09:47

Yy to all of the above who say that you sound like an incredibly caring and supportive mum who has your dss interests at heart.

Do put a card into his care package too, so that he can keep/re-read it. Doesn't have to be a sentimental one, there are lots around with silly animals on, but he can hopefully keep it by his bed.

Sounds like, as well as going down the legal route, you might pop a card/ flowers in for his step mum too, to thank her for keeping you in the loop.

(I have a friend whose wife left him with their two boys, as his work allowed him to offer them more support around school. After a very acrimonious split up, they managed to co-parent very effectively, with her having the boys eow too. Interestingly, when the boys were in their teens one of them, who was particularly close to her, chose to go to live with his mum.)

HTH

SaucyJane · 07/04/2018 09:56

Ah OP it’s NOT that he didn’t want his mum. It’s just that he’d been through a lot, was tired and in pain, and just wanted his own bed etc.

You sound incredibly caring and thoughtful and put his needs first. I agree with PPs, put your energy into a care package/card to cheer him up, and he’ll be back staying with you before you know it.

It’s so hard for you, but he’s a lucky little boy to have so many people to love him so much, not least his little sister

StealthPolarBear · 07/04/2018 19:52

How are you doing op? You may already be asleep, don't think you got much last night.

Original poster

cantbreathethroughthis · 08/04/2018 21:38

@StealthPolarBear thanks for asking. I'm doing quite well . Dropped off care package yesterday and he's feeling loads better. He actually told me very quietly that he wished he had come on the Saturday after all, but that he was so tired on the Friday night that he didn't realised he wished it (very sweet thing to say!) AND best of all his dad agreed that he can come for the day tomorrow as well as for his regular weekend next weekend. The weekend normally goes Friday to Sunday (it was just due to an event of his that he was coming on Saturday this time) so DS feels like, out of the situation, he has actually got an extra day as well as not having a shortened night iyswim! So we get him tomorrow, then on Tuesday I'll get in touch with my lawyer and have a chat about all the things which were mentioned and advised by you kindly people. Thank you all so much for your help!

OP posts:

Fruitcorner123 · 08/04/2018 21:48

So sad to read all this and i think all the advice already given has been really good. I do agree about seeing your GP and also think there is nothing wrong with asking for at least one mid week evening. 12 days is a long time for your son to go without seeing his mum so there are all sorts of reasons why it would be in his best interest to have more contact while still keeping his 'home' with his dad.

Also don't worry about him wanting to stay with his dad. At different points in their life my children have wanted me more than daddy or daddy more than me for all kinds of reasons. They love us both equally.

I grew up with divorced parents and I love both my parents equally and I am sure your son loves you as much as his dad.

StealthPolarBear · 08/04/2018 22:08

That sounds so much more positive. He sounds like a lovely boy and a credit to you x

Fifty50 · 09/04/2018 09:34

Great that you saw your son op. As his dad was being flexible, perhaps put the question to him that perhaps your DS can come over for tea one day after school. Start by making a one off then increase the frequency iyswim. Then you can formalise it via the courts instead of going down the legal route in the first instance.
Have a lovely day with your son.

LegallyBronde · 09/04/2018 09:41

Oh OP what a lovely mum you are. I went with my Dad when my parents divorced as my Mum was training for a new career at the time and she felt I would be better with my Dad as he was around all time. Never felt anything but respect for her, both of them actually. They did what was best for me not them.

Good Luck with the lawyer . Your son is lucky to have so many loving people in his life. He sounds like an absolute gem.

Shinycantle · 09/04/2018 09:53

Great to hear that things are better op

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/04/2018 05:05

What a lovely update! so pleased it worked out well and without any problem. Fingers crossed your ex will be amenable to extra visits.

Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 11/04/2018 05:53

Bless you, you sound absolutely lovely. And you sound like am amazing Mum for what it's worth by making sure that you're sons needs are put before your own no matter how painful. I wonder what the reaction would be if you broached the subject of more time with your son with his Dad? If you explain how this has made you feel and that you would love to have an open discussion about whether more time with him would be suitable for you all - I get that when the order was made it was for the best but situations change and it sounds like you are more than ready for a more even split?

Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 11/04/2018 05:57

Ah ignore - just reread the bit where you say you are on with this 🎀

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