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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with male best friend and wondering what to do

57 replies

witchofzog · 06/04/2018 21:41

I have a friend of 7 years who I count as my best friend. We were in a relationship for approximately a year and friends first but went back to being friends as the sexual chemistry wasn't there though we did love each other

I have been with my dp for 5 years and he has been with his girlfriend for around 9 months. I have never met her and he hasnt met my dp mainly due to distance and living in different cities but we usually meet each other for a catch up every month or so. Dp knows about everything as I have always been transparent.

So today I log onto Facebook and see a post from another mutual (male) friend of ours saying they are together celebrating the fact that my friend proposed recently and is getting married.

I feel hurt as he never told me. Not even a text. He used to say if he got married he would like me to take on a "best man" type role but he hasnt even told me he is getting married. He would be one of the first to know if it was me getting married

I haven't said anything on Facebook yet and nor have I contacted him. I won't tonight anyway as this isn't about me and I would never spoil his evening

But Aibu to feel a bit hurt and how do I handle this? Do I "like" and send my congratulations or do I text him tomorrow or both?

OP posts:

Original poster

witchofzog · 06/04/2018 23:07

Nana It is my ds who thinks the world of him not my oh.

I think most of you are correct. Friendships evolve over time and lives change. He has had serious girlfriends before this one and has continued our friendship but if she doesn't like it then he is stuck between a rock and a hard place I guess.

It does hurt a lot though and I kind of thought if we could maintain our friendship this long, we might be friends for the duration

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NoHunsHereHun · 06/04/2018 23:20

When are you next due to meet up with him OP? If it's soon then I would avoid a PA FB post/like and just say "I'm really happy for you, but very hurt that you didn't tell me yourself - why on earth not?" You can then only judge the future of your friendship by his reaction.

Original poster

witchofzog · 06/04/2018 23:28

We don't have any plans at present no huns I think I will probably text him over the weekend and suggest a meet up. I will congratulate him by text and (if he agrees to meet) will ask him why he didn't tell me when we are face to face. He is a very emotionally intelligent guy and probably will understand why I feel a bit sad about it. But at the same time I won't bring the evening down as he deserves to be happy and I really am over the moon he has found someone he can be happy with

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MouldyVoldy · 06/04/2018 23:28

I know exactly how you feel. Me and my male friend didn't even have a relationship, just a ONS stand a million years ago. He started being distant, then eventually told me his GF didn't like it that we were friends. That was years ago, and despite him saying it would all be fine, it hasn't been fine. I miss him a lot, but there isn't a lot I can do. I think you probably need to start letting him go now. It absolutely sucks, but it's just one of those things I suppose.

Original poster

witchofzog · 06/04/2018 23:56

I feel for you mouldy and all the others who have been in the same situation. It really does suck and I think part of the problem is the unknown from the partners point of view. If he has been hiding our friendship then I can't blame her for not liking it in a similar vein to another poster above who found put her partner had been hiding a female friend.

OP posts:

MouldyVoldy · 07/04/2018 00:03

It really is horrible. I think in my situation it was because he hadn't told her what had gone on, they had been together a good few years before she found out. But I think she just didn't like me and used it as an excuse to be honest. I was always so glad that we remained friends after what was actually a massive mistake, fuelled by alcohol and youth!

Maybe it was just an oversight on his part though? If I were in your situation, I'd probably text him and ask why he didn't tell you. Say congratulations, and ask when he was next free.

MyOtherProfile · 07/04/2018 07:37

It does seem that perhaps the friendship doesn't mean the same to him as it does to you, which is really sad. It is a normal part of life through really. I stayed friends with an ex for a long time and we each had a small role in each other's weddings but his now wife made sure our friendship fizzled out and while I thought it was a shame life really does move on.

it is my ds who thinks the world of him not my oh.
Presumably ds hasn't seen him for years either though if you just meet up after work so again perhaps not quite as big a relationship as you thought?

thornyhousewife · 07/04/2018 07:44

If he hasn't met your partner of five years then you're not close friends at all. You haven't even met his fiance, why on Earth do you think you'd be part of her wedding?

Get over yourself and this bizarre secret friendship with your ex.

LauraRashley · 07/04/2018 08:17

What thornyhousewife said.

He’s probably been politely trying to shake you off for ages. Now his woman’s had to come along and do the job for him.

Men are notoriously spineless in these situations.

Cuppaoftea · 07/04/2018 08:35

Not really fair on his fiancee you've just decided she sees you as a threat and that's why he hasn't contacted you. From what you've said she might not even know about you or if she does she knows you're in a long term relationship with a child, only meet occasionally for a coffee when in town, you and he both decided just to be friends years ago. If she cared she'd have probably asked to meet you.

Sounds to me like your friendship doesn't mean the same to him as it does to you and he's now moving on with his life and ghosting you.

I wouldn't contact him.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 07/04/2018 09:19

Some people honestly are just not ok with the idea of someone they are in a relationship with still being involved in any capacity with someone else they've had sex with. It may be jealousy, it may be insecurity, trust issues, or it may be that they are a virgin and hate the idea the person they have fallen in love with isn't, and don't want the reminder.

Different people see sex differently. For some, it can be just physical, for others, there is always some emotional connection. It is usually difficult if not impossible for someone who sees the emotional connection, to accept it can be just about physical pleasure, and that there can genuinely be no feelings there between former sexual partners.

Maybe he never told his current girlfriend about you, maybe now things are getting serious the compromise to keep her was giving you up. Maybe he did have feelings for you, and hoped you might one day end up together but he's found his current partner and she's "the one".

Whatever the reason, he's chosen to at least lessen your presence in his life, if not having intentions to cut you out completely. Im sorry you're losing someone you felt so close to, if i lost my best friend for any of these reasons, i'd be devastated.

Original poster

witchofzog · 07/04/2018 09:27

If only he had just told her mouldy then there may never have been a problem.

myother. Yes that's true. Ds hasn't seen him for around a year. . He was my first relationship after ds's dad and it was a relief how well they hit it off when they were introduced 8 months in.

thorny if you read the full thread you will see I didn't expect to be part of THEIR wedding. It was something HE said and I wasn't sure if it would be odd, even before he had a partner where this would be a reality. I did think he would tell me he was getting married though like I would tell him and my other friends if I were the one getting married. You make the friendship sound like something I should be ashamed of by calling it bizarre. But all my friends and family know. It isn't secret from my side. I am still friends with his mum too and we have lots of mutual friends. It's hardly a clandestine friendship.

laura and cuppa he hasnt been trying to shake me off as he contacts me more than I contact him if anything which is why it is odd that he hasnt told me.

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thornyhousewife · 07/04/2018 09:38

@witchofzog I'm not making the friendship sound bizarre - it is bizarre by anyone's standards, as this thread and your dilemma demonstrates.

I don't like the fiance being painted as jealous when it's clear that the friendship is non-viable. It is not her fault that you have both conducted the friendship in this way.

Original poster

witchofzog · 07/04/2018 09:43

Thank you almost. I hadn't looked at it from the different types of sex angle before. The weird thing is I can't really remember much about the sex and I am someone who remembers most things! We just didn't really gel in the bedroom which we both agreed on. I don't think he ever wanted me back though he always used to say how amazing it was that we were able to be friends afterwards but that was probably because we had the friendship first too.

If this is the end of the friendship I will understand but like you said I will be devastated as he has been a really good friend to me and vice versa. I don't trust many people at all but he is one person I would be able to trust with my life and people like that don't come along very often

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LauraRashley · 07/04/2018 09:44

I am still friends with his mum too

Oh yes, the old Keeping The Mum On Side trick!

You say he contacts you more than you contact him so why not wait for this inevitable contact instead of saying you’re going to text him...... and don’t use his mother to guilt him into contacting you.

Original poster

witchofzog · 07/04/2018 09:50

thorny but it isn't bizarre by anyone's standards as demonstrated by other posters here who have been through similar. How can it be bizarre when I have always been open about the friendship like I would be with anyone else I am friends with. Yes maybe it looks odd that he hasnt met dp but like I said they are both in different cities. I suggested us all going out with dp and his girlfriend a while ago which my friend agreed to but then it didn't happen for logistical reasons more than anything else. But dp has always been aware of him. I told him how important this man was when we first started dating and he always knows when we are meeting up. I can't see how the friendship is bizarre. For what it is worth not all of my female friends have met dp either as some also live in different cities.

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Original poster

witchofzog · 07/04/2018 09:54

laura What on earth are you on about?. I don't keep his mum on side at all and how would I be using his mum to do this. I never even mentioned contacting her . She is a lovely lady whom I got on well with. We both wanted to stay in touch with each other. What is wrong with that? She is a disabled lady who doesn't see many people and I enjoy talking with her so we both get something out if the ffriendship

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MyOtherProfile · 07/04/2018 10:06

I'm good friends with my ex's parents even though I don't have much contact with him and haven't for years. I don't see anything odd in that. My friendship with them was good when I was with him and we didn't see any reason for it to stop when he and I broke up.

BuntyII · 07/04/2018 10:11

Why do men downplay the status of their relationship usually? Sounds like he still holds a bit of a candle for you.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/04/2018 10:25

It doesn’t sound like there’s anything ‘bizarre’ about your friendship OP, it’s developed in its own way and you’ve fallen into patterns that have worked - up until now.

A huge attachment like a new life partner will have a massive impact on everything. If she’s even a little bit uncomfortable with her fiancée meeting up for one-on-one get-togethers with an ex (because that’s how she’ll see it) then he will naturally start to drift.

The only way for your friendship to be undisturbed would be for him to be really open and strong : fiancée, this is one of my best friends and I want you to meet her as soon as possible. But it doesn’t sound like he has taken that route.

I’m sorry, it hurts like hell at the time (I lost a long term male friend and it still hurts a bit when I think about it) but you will move past it.

You may come to view the friendship as a placeholder for emotional needs you both get elsewhere in the future.

Original poster

witchofzog · 07/04/2018 14:32

I really honestly don't think he holds a candle for me. We really were better as friends. I was glad we tried it because I would always have wondered but neither of us really did it for the other in that way. I never got any inkling he liked me more than friends.

I think you are right Atrocious. Maybe he was a friend for a season after all. I maybe wrongly assumed he would do what I did with partners and tell them about me early on like Idid about him. His other girlfriends haven't lived in the city we meet in but this one does so in hindsight he could have invited her along anytime when we met up. Time will tell I guess

OP posts:

Original poster

witchofzog · 08/04/2018 11:58

Update

My friend contacted me today and we are meeting the week after next. He has asked me to come to the wedding and evening reception next year. I have asked him if he wants to bring his fiancee when we get together as I would love to meet her and he is going to see if she is free so everything appears good

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AtrociousCircumstance · 08/04/2018 16:04

Oh that’s awesome What a nice outcome.

FranticallyPeaceful · 08/04/2018 16:17

Is it possible that you think you’re better friends than he thinks you are? He might not feel the same way about you as you do him? Maybe it’s just the kind of friendship where you keep in touch and go out occasionally and not the type that you are close (on both sides?)

Lizzie48 · 08/04/2018 17:06

I've just read the whole thread. It sounds like you have a lovely friendship with this man, and it looks like it's going to continue, which is great. I have a similar type of friendship with a male friend. We never went out, we were just friends, though we both liked each other at different times.

He was instrumental in me meeting my DH in the end. He has a good friendship with my DB and they both met my future DH on a walking holiday and this friend thought we would get on. (My DB is clueless, he wouldn't have thought of this on his own.) It was a very happy ending, they persuaded him to sign a postcard they were sending to me. He put his email address on the card and the rest is history.

We still exchange texts, he always texts at key times, birthdays, wedding anniversaries and New Year. We don't see each other as he lives along way from me, but we always have a good time when we get together. The friendship means a lot, he's friends with both of us. But it's changed as we don't see each other now. So you might see less of your friend, but that's not to say that you won't still have that connection when you do get together.

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