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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with male best friend and wondering what to do

57 replies

witchofzog · 06/04/2018 21:41

I have a friend of 7 years who I count as my best friend. We were in a relationship for approximately a year and friends first but went back to being friends as the sexual chemistry wasn't there though we did love each other

I have been with my dp for 5 years and he has been with his girlfriend for around 9 months. I have never met her and he hasnt met my dp mainly due to distance and living in different cities but we usually meet each other for a catch up every month or so. Dp knows about everything as I have always been transparent.

So today I log onto Facebook and see a post from another mutual (male) friend of ours saying they are together celebrating the fact that my friend proposed recently and is getting married.

I feel hurt as he never told me. Not even a text. He used to say if he got married he would like me to take on a "best man" type role but he hasnt even told me he is getting married. He would be one of the first to know if it was me getting married

I haven't said anything on Facebook yet and nor have I contacted him. I won't tonight anyway as this isn't about me and I would never spoil his evening

But Aibu to feel a bit hurt and how do I handle this? Do I "like" and send my congratulations or do I text him tomorrow or both?

OP posts:

Prancingonthevalentine · 06/04/2018 21:43

Is your name Rachel?
If you see him monthly he might be planning to tell you himself.

Katchit · 06/04/2018 21:44

Your relationship with him is not the same as his with you.

Julia Roberts was in a similar story.

Whydomypubeslooklikeanest · 06/04/2018 21:45

Just write congratulations.

Realistically his fiance isn't going to want his ex to be his 'best man' and this may be a sign of his priorities now.

GrumpyInsomniac · 06/04/2018 21:46

I think it's understandable to feel a bit hurt he hasn't told you, but that if you value the friendship, the best thing you can do is congratulate him sincerely and be happy for him.

Unless there is some massive backstory we don't know, it seems unlikely he's deliberately withheld his engagement from you. It's more likely that it's all been a bit of a blur dealing with an excited fiancee who may want to plan every detail of the wedding instantly, and he's not had a chance to catch up with you yet.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 06/04/2018 21:47

Could the friend have posted the announcement without checking with your friend first? Apparently facebook based thunder stealage is a thing; he may still have been planning to tell you himself when he sees you.

JennyHolzersGhost · 06/04/2018 21:49

I would just leave it and wait for him to tell you himself. And then when he tells you, be supportive. You may have had a relationship etc in the past but he doesn’t owe you anything.

Flockoftreegulls · 06/04/2018 21:50

His fiance doesn't like his relationship with you probably.

Zintox · 06/04/2018 21:54

Prepare to be gently written out of his life.
I had a good make friend. He was my best mate really. We had never been romantically involved. He got a gf and we all went out for dinner and then he stopped replying to me or contacting me.
He later married her but clearly she didn't like our friendship and so I was dropped.
I suspect that's what's happening to you. It sucks but you can't do anything about it.

Zintox · 06/04/2018 21:54

*male friend

speakout · 06/04/2018 21:57

She doesn't want you in their life.

Not every woman would be comfortable with their OH having a best friend who was also an ex.

Original poster

witchofzog · 06/04/2018 22:02

I am genuinely happy for him. He deserves this and has kissed a few frogesses in recent years (Me included probably )

I didn't actually expect to be a best man. But at the same time I didn't expect to find out on impersonal Facebook. If it had been me I would have probably sent him a text saying I had some exciting news and would tell him when I saw him

The post is a photo of the two of them with him tagged in which he is commenting on. I have also just seen on his wall that his girlfriend announced it on Facebook herself a few weeks ago and he again (and of course) was commenting.

I remember now that when we last met his girlfriend called and he said he was with "a mate" which was true but now I am wondering if he even told her I exist. My dp knows everything and I perhaps wrongly assumed he would be equally as transparent.

OP posts:

Original poster

witchofzog · 06/04/2018 22:09

I think you are sadly and probably right speakout We both have very similar situations with majority toxic families and have been huge sources of support for each other. We have also had a lot of laughs. My ds thinks the world of him and vice versa. I would never want him back. Even if he was the only man left within an 100 mile radius I would not want a relationship with him again. I thought we would always be friends though

OP posts:

Original poster

witchofzog · 06/04/2018 22:12

Sorry that last post was for Zintox

OP posts:

DerelictWreck · 06/04/2018 22:13

Don't you think it's strange that you see him every month yet he's never met your DP of 5 years?

klopple · 06/04/2018 22:15

YANBU to be upset. I would send your congratulations and also mention you're surprised he didn't tell you.

It does sound like his fiancée would perhaps not be comfortable with him being best friends with an ex, unfortunately. And inevitably people prioritise their partners...

For years I counted an ex as one of my best friends. When he got engaged, he asked me to be his best man - and that's what happened. His wife was fine with our friendship, as was my DH. We all got on really well.

However in time they split and he got a new girlfriend. She wasn't so cool with it. I heard from him less and less unfortunately. Contact one day then totally stopped. I suspect he isn't actually allowed to talk to me at all, which I do feel sad about as I miss our friendship.

Gemini69 · 06/04/2018 22:16

I'm not seeing the problem..

Original poster

witchofzog · 06/04/2018 22:18

It probably is a bit strange Derelict but it has just never happened. I work in the city he lives in so usually meet him after work but I live in a different city altogether with dp. When he got together with his current girlfriend I suggested us all meeting up for drinks and a meal but it never happened for various reasons, mainly logistical

OP posts:

Original poster

witchofzog · 06/04/2018 22:21

That's true Klopple and I would 100 percent expect him to prioritise his partner. It would be lovely to continue the friendship though. She is welcome to come with him when we meet. I would love to meet her. But I suspect now she either doesn't know or doesn't like the idea. I can actually understand if she doesn't but it would be sad for me if I ended up losing one of the best friends I ever had and sad for him too as we have always been there for one another

OP posts:

Gottokondo · 06/04/2018 22:25

I'm not too sure if you are best friends tbh. The second my (male) best friend has a new partner I want to meet them. I don't care how many hours or miles I have to travel, I will make that happen. So him not meeting your DP for five years doesn't sound best friendish to me.

Anyway, he didn't post it on facebook, a mate did. So he might be saving thr news to tell people in person

borlottibeans · 06/04/2018 22:26

I just typed up then deleted a fairly personal and identifying description of a similar "friendship" I had with a man who did the slow fade on me as things got serious with his now wife. I've had to conclude either she didn't want him to be friends with women and he was ok ditching me on that basis, or I was never really his friend, just a backup plan. It's really hurtful and YANBU.

SJN71 · 06/04/2018 22:27

I think those PP are right about his girlfriend not liking the relationship unfortunately. I wonder whether he's not been as "transparent" with her about the relationship as you have been with your DP. This happened to me when I first got together with my husband. He was friends with an ex of his but used to tell me he was seeing a "mate" when he caught up with her. Also she had a nickname on his phone which sounded like a guy's nickname so when texts came in I thought they were from a male friend (they both speak a different language to me so I couldn't tell). When I finally found out I was livid. Not about the friendship per se but about the "lies by omission". Really made me angry. If a relationship is all innocent why do it behind my back? I actually met her and she was lovely and I wasn't bothered if they carried on being friends, but she ended up backing away from their friendship and other friends later told me that she'd been hoping for a reunion with him at some point but saw that that wasn't now going to happen. Anyway perhaps that's whats happened here, he hasn't told her and wants to keep it that way. As others have said, you may be quietly written out of his life. I don't know why guys have to be like that, if he'd told her from the beginning it might have been a different story!

KermitsLoveChild · 06/04/2018 22:37

I'm going through something similar OP. My friend did tell me when he got engaged but I've just found out he's getting married very soon and DH and I aren't invited. Hurts like hell tbh. DH is hurt too as the two of them get along well.

I think it's his fiancée telling him to cut contact, we are very different personalities but I have tried my best to get on with her. Apparently she sees me as a threat .

Nanna50 · 06/04/2018 22:50

I don’t think you are best friends, maybe you were but now just old friends, and he probably doesn’t want to complicate his relationship by explaining you. How can your OH think the world of him if he’s never met him?

How often are you in contact or have you met up with him since his GF mentioned it on Facebook?

Gwenhwyfar · 06/04/2018 22:52

"The second my (male) best friend has a new partner I want to meet them. I don't care how many hours or miles I have to travel, I will make that happen. "

I don't think that's normal either. If one of my friends has a new boyfriend or girlfriend, I'm obviously a bit curious to meet them, but it's not something I'm rushing to do whatever the distance! Sounds like you're protesting too much.

QuiteLikely5 · 06/04/2018 22:57

It’s harsh. I suppose I want to know when you last met up with him? You said monthly so I’m assuming he had the idea about an engagement in his mind for a while?!

I’d be hurt too. But nakevand female friendships are different from same sex ones, despite what some may think!

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