Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

I need quick advice. Am I being a harsh parent?

80 replies

JustVent · 06/04/2018 16:28

Two kids 11 and 6.

The 11 year old goes scooting at the near by skate park most days. He’s developed a bad attitude. Talks to me rudely and abruptly on the phone, comes home moody and entitled.
I’ve asked him if anything is wrong at the SP and he says no.
I’ve warned him that I don’t like it.

He’s been there all day, he’s supposed to sleep over at his friends house.
He’s come home to collect his stuff and he called his little brother a cock.

I’m livid, this isn’t a word my youngest has been exposed to yet, and it was out of order, he’s only 6.

I told my eldest that I’ve reached my limit with his attitude and he isn’t going for a sleep over now.

He is now in full swing of tears and tantrums.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Gwenhwyfar · 06/04/2018 17:48

I don't have children myself, but what I will say is that the worst thing from my own childhood was seeing my brother's permission for misbehaving being grounded. It made everything worse for the rest of us who were then the butt of his frustration.

fuckingjournocunts · 06/04/2018 17:54

I've only had to do this once with my 14yo ds and boy did we cop it all weekend. The only thing that worked was taking his electronics away for 2 weeks when it got to Sunday and he was still throwing a tantrum. He's been an angel ever since (touch wood)

NicEv · 06/04/2018 18:02

My thought was whether an 11 year old boy should be spending all day out on his own unsupervised . You really can’t be sure where he has been or who with?

5plusMeAndHim · 06/04/2018 18:03

I wouldn't cancel the sleepover because it is bad manners to the other parents and unfair on the other boy

I would be asking what the DS2 had said/done to provoke this response , and i would be banning visits to the skate park fo a few days

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth · 06/04/2018 18:03

I feel sorry for the other kid - but sleep overs are a rare treat here and usually 1:1 so perhaps not as bad as I imagine. Hope he apologises and gets himself together.

DoJo · 06/04/2018 18:06

Actually I think it's a bit harsh. Not only is it rough on the other kid but behaving like an authoritarian twat and demanding 'respect' isn't necessarily the way to get these things.

But the OP didn't demand respect - she warned him that she didn't like being spoken to rudely and when he continued, and extended it to his little brother, there were consequences. I wouldn't let my child accept hospitality if he was using language like that and I think that failing to impose any consequences for that kind of behaviour does the younger child a disservice as well by implying that they are fair game for abuse.

Leeds2 · 06/04/2018 18:12

I think you have done exactly the right thing. Don't back down!

I do feel sorry for the boy he was meant to be having a sleepover with, but I would phone his mum and explain. Hopefully, she will back you 100%. Your DS might also realise, when he has calmed down, that he has let his friend down big time as well as upsetting his mum.

Would also be cutting down time spent at the skate park. Explain why, as in it is having an adverse impact on his behaviour. You can then let him go again, in a few days time, and explain that if he behaves badly when he gets back, he will be banned from going for a longer period of time. I think at 11 he is old enough to realise that you may speak in one way when with friends, but you adopt a different manner in the family home.

Thistlebelle · 06/04/2018 18:12

behaving like an authoritarian twat and demanding 'respect' isn't necessarily the way to get these thing

By “authoritarian twat” do you mean “parent”?

I tell my children off when they misbehave. They don’t think I’m a bully, they think that they were out of line and got called on it.

ShawshanksRedemption · 06/04/2018 18:17

I also would be wary of cancelling the sleepover, just because when my 11yr old DS goes on sleepovers it's a huge treat for both kids, with Takeaway, or parents taking both kids out for a meal/bowling/cinema etc. I would just ban the skatepark and then tell him visits to the SP can resume where he will be supervised by you for an hour or so.

(I would also add, have you checked out the SP and who is hanging about there?)

Storminateapot · 06/04/2018 18:19

Definitely not BU. Our town's local skate park is a known hang-out for the more undesirable brand of older teenager and drug dealers. I don't know what yours is like but there are young adults at ours who you would have thought would have long grown out of scooters (they have, they're just up to no good).

ReanimatedSGB · 06/04/2018 18:21

I am generally not in favour of punishment (ie going out of your way to make a child sad or frustrated) particularly when it impacts other people. Consequences in the form of 'no skate park tomorrow' would have been enough, really. Also, OP talks about 'bad attitude' which is a bit vague, and I really can't see how one kid calling another a 'cock' is such a big deal.

Some MNers have completely appalling attitudes towards DC and you get these threads of competitive spiteful cuntery - posters climbing all over each other to suggest additional cruelties such as smashing children's belongings, inflicting public humiliation on them, cancelling Christmas (when the child did something a bit silly in September) etc.

I think OP was excessive. Not end-of-the-world bad parenting, but a bit too heavy-handed.

Passportto · 06/04/2018 18:23

It's sad but I'm afraid in these days of over protective parents children who are at the skate park all day are likely to be children you'd prefer your kids don't mix with. Also a big target for gang recruiters.

I'm afraid I think your 11yo needs more supervision, which as I said is a shame because I'd much prefer children were out running lose all holiday.

JustDanceAddict · 06/04/2018 18:25

Skate parks can be unsavoury places so he’s def picked it up there from older kids. Does he go on his own or with a same-age friend?
Also please be aware weed is quite rife in the skateboarding culture so keep an eye out if he’s going unaccompanied- the older boys might be smoking. My DS skateboards too so I know these things!

Butteredparsn1ps · 06/04/2018 18:30

Not unreasonable no. Not acceptable behaviour.

I also agree no SP tomorrow, but perhaps this could be for his benefit too. DS went through a phase of coming home from school and being particularly horrid to his younger sister. It turned out he was being bullied, and was attacking on DD in turn. Still no excuse for bad behaviour, but perhaps a reason to dig a little deeper?

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth · 06/04/2018 18:35

The skate parks haven’t been an issue in the places I have lived - nor a place for gang recruitment/ drugs etc. It’s the woods I would be wary of round here.

Anyhow - I would imagine there is huge variation so don’t panic just yet - at least until you have had the chance for a deep and meaningful with him.

Grandadwasthatyou · 06/04/2018 18:45

If you back down in this consequence, be sure he will remember it and know you are a soft touch.

I have carried out a very similar consequence with my ds and felt awful having to let his friend down but the Mum understood and said she would have done the same.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/04/2018 19:13

Better a soft touch - ie open to discussion and negotiation - than a self-righteous, rigid, 'because I say so' bully.

Thistlebelle · 06/04/2018 19:15

Yes but Reanimated it’s not one or the other. And there’s a huge gray area between those extremes.

Fruitcorner123 · 06/04/2018 19:26

People talking about gangs and drugs may have a point in their own neighbourhood but not all places are like that. We live in a fairly rural market town and kids that age use the skate parks alongside much older teenagers and young children with parents. I wouldn't have a problem with my DC using skate park here but if it was an inner city park of course it may be different.

reanimated with all due respect you are the only one who has said the OP is unreasonable. Maybe there's a reason why your style of parenting isn't catching on. Children should respect their parents and siblings. It's not bad parenting to expect them to and challenge them when they don't.

shooshoopoopoo · 06/04/2018 19:33

You’ve said it now so don’t go back on it. You should stop him going to the SP- real drug problems at the local cal one. Kids of all ages dragged into it. Delivering it for favours, or clubbing together to get a spliff, or keeping look out.

Be thankful that you’ve found out early doors and proactively parent your 11 year old during the days. We no longer live in a world where kids can go off for the day and be safe from bad influence.

Your instincts are exactly right, but the SP is your problem not the sleep over. Explain to your child that SP is out from now onwards and ask him if he understands why. Try and find out a bit more about what’s going on there.

greathat · 06/04/2018 19:44

No the only thing that could be unreasonable if you backed down coz of tears and tantrums

MumofBoysx2 · 06/04/2018 20:16

No, you're not being harsh. But you could sit down with him away from his younger brother (maybe take him out for a hot chocolate or something) and try to find out if anything is worrying him. It could be hormones though, don't they get a surge about now? But he needs to know that behaviour is not acceptable. Maybe if he knows once his behaviour improves he could have the friend over to stay at yours as an incentive?

ReanimatedSGB · 06/04/2018 20:30

The fact that someone's opinion is the minority one doesn't make it wrong. The world is full of stupid conformists who think that the majority view 'must' be the right one...

(And, to listen to some of the stupid conformists, relaxed rather than authoritarian parenting is the norm these days, which is of course a Terrible Thing as the lower orders don't know their place any more...)

guinnessguzzler · 06/04/2018 20:46

I have to agree with SGB here; in this case I do think the punishment seems overly harsh.

Thistlebelle · 06/04/2018 20:53

the lower orders don't know their place any more

What now?

What are you talking about?

Flip

1 2 3 4