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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum wants to have some time out

95 replies

Mum5y · 06/04/2018 12:15

I started a conversation with my husband and I mentioned that I'd like to get together with my 2 sisters in law on a Saturday - child and husband free. He freaked out! I'm a stay at home mum. I do not have a lot of people in my life I can turn to as I moved far from family and friends. Another Country far. He says weekend are his only time with me but he goes out for work drinks and has adult company all the time and it's not like he spends time with me. Rather lazing on the couch. Playing games. It's been almost 3 years since I have been out alone. Am I asking for too much?

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 06/04/2018 14:44

As others have said don't ask! Tell him I'm going out on x day you need to make sure you're in to take care of the kids. Neither me or my DH need to ask permission to go out we just make sure it's put on the calendar and tell each other so we know what each other are up to and we don't plan clashing events.

tinytemper66 · 06/04/2018 14:52

Just go out. Why even ask? Just say bye see you in a few hrs! No negotiations!

sosadforhim · 06/04/2018 14:56

Please, please do go out and as others have said, TELL HIM - don't ask. You are not a possession to be kept in a box and polished at the weekend as he walks past you on the way to the couch. He sounds domineering and possessive. You start having a social life and he'll have to get used to it. It's not like he's never out either. He has a bloody cheek!

LeighaJ · 06/04/2018 14:59

It sounds more like he doesn't want his lazy time interrupted by having to watch his own children rather then him being upset he can't spend time with you.

jannier · 06/04/2018 15:03

BubblesAndSquarks .....seriously your husband cant cope with your 3 and would get stressed????? Does he have issues coping with other situations or is it just womens work he struggles with.

SweetMoon · 06/04/2018 15:06

What do you mean by he freaked out? As in he can't handle the children on his own or because he does not want you to go out? Either one he is being massivley unreasonable. You haven't been out for 3 years op. You need some time out!!! Make sure you go!

BitOutOfPractice · 06/04/2018 15:20

Yes, what do you mean by "freaked out"?

Cavender · 06/04/2018 15:24

We have 3 so its a bit different, but I think DP would be pretty stressed if I went out as he's not used to dealing with them all on his own.

Bubbles there’s nothing attractive about a man who is incapable of parenting his own children.

If he can’t do it it’s because he hasn’t had enough practice. Don’t infantilise him, he needs to learn. What if you were ill, died, had to travel for work, to help family etc?

It might not be unusual for some fathers’ to be useless with their own kids but it’s not “normal” and shouldn’t be regarded as such.

If I go away for the weekend with friends my DH organises fabulous adventures with the kids. He takes them camping, hiking, mountain biking, drives cross country to visit attractions. They always have an amazing time and are full of stories when I come home.

Ridiculouslyso · 06/04/2018 15:27

Argh. Why do these menchildren have children themselves if they are incapable of looking after them? Why do women put up with this selfishness disguised as helplessness?

RainbowGlitterFairy · 06/04/2018 15:28

DH can be a bit grouchy about me going out, and for a while I did put up with it and stay home. I've got to a point now where I go 'you busy Saturday? No, good, I'm going out' and our relationship is much better for it. YANBU to want some time out.

bellsbuss · 06/04/2018 15:29

Don't ask just tell, that's what I do. There's no way on earth I would go 3 years without time to myself, I would go insane. I go out every month with my friends, spa day, drinks or dinner etc or sometimes with my family. Sometimes I've had 3 things on consecutive weekends then OH will get huffy and say I'm taking the piss but this doesn't happen often. The only thing I get annoyed about is I make sure that everything is done in the home before I go out whereas he just goes out 😬 and I come back to chaos dishes not put in washer and in the sink , sofas and blankets in disarray, empty wrappers in family room crumbs on worktops I could go on and on. As he does work extremely hard all week I just grit my teeth and curse him in my head

TheVanguardSix · 06/04/2018 15:35

No asking. Just do!

I was like you. Now I just say, "I'm out this Saturday for Sharon's birthday drinks."
You just have to 'do' and learn to stop asking permission.
It is vital that you do this. Break this very bad cycle. He has GOT to learn to be with the DCs. And you need to have your YOU time.

Tobebythesea · 06/04/2018 15:48

Don’t ask, just go. If he’s nervous he needs to suck it up. He’s their father, not a stranger.

Don’t write a list of what you do and when for him or prepare stuff like I used to.

WizardOfToss · 06/04/2018 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GnotherGnu · 06/04/2018 15:56

Is his devotion to your company that he always rushes home straight after work and never goes out on socials or anything similar during the week? If not, he has zero right to complain.

I'm a very firm believer in the principle that one very important element of the route to a successful marriage is giving each other space. And yes, I am going out without DH tomorrow.

spacecadet48 · 06/04/2018 16:00

I hadn't spotted bubbles comment. I have 4 DC, men are more than able to look after there own DC. They are one of the two parents FGS. OP go out!

Ryder63 · 06/04/2018 16:07

The only thing I get annoyed about is I make sure that everything is done in the home before I go out whereas he just goes out 😬 and I come back to chaos dishes not put in washer and in the sink , sofas and blankets in disarray, empty wrappers in family room crumbs on worktops I could go on and on

Is this a 'punishment' for your going out, bellsbuss? Or maybe a way of trying to get you to stay home, hoping you'll think the mess you find on return isn't worth it?

Working hard all week or not - NO excuse for that level of chaos just because you aren't home. Also -why do you have to make sure "everything is done" before you leave? You sound more like a paid housekeeper than a partner/wife!

TheJoyOfSox · 06/04/2018 16:25

As per the first comment.

You don’t ask, you tell him.

By asking his permission you’re enabling him to control you, he is not your keeper, you are a fully functioning adult, so tell your DH what your weekend plans are and make sure he knows that this will be a regular event if he kicks up a fuss!

C8H10N4O2 · 06/04/2018 16:36

Agree with PPs who say 'just do' - if he can't cope he needs to learn how.

All these men who can't do a couple of hours parenting of their own children - what on earth happens if the mother is taken seriously ill or worse?

Its not fair on the children to allow a situation where fathers are not able to care for their children, irrespective of who does it day to day.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 06/04/2018 17:49

and if he leaves the house in a tip as part of some PA bullshit punishment routine, turn back out and book a hotel for the night.

Cavender · 06/04/2018 17:51

The only thing I get annoyed about is I make sure that everything is done in the home before I go out whereas he just goes out

So stop.

Just go out.

Original poster
Mum5y · 06/04/2018 20:55

He is a really great guy and such a good dad. Freaked out that I'd like to go out without the family. That's the issue he is having. If i ever did go out to meet friends it has always been with my 2 kids. And my friends love it. But once every now and then it's nice to be alone. There really isn't anything wrong with that.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 20:56

He is a really great guy and such a good dad.

BULLSHIT CRAP MAN DETECTOR
WE HAVE RED ALERT
AWOOGA AWOOGA AWOOGA

Grobagsforever · 06/04/2018 21:01

THREE YEARS!!! THREE YEARS!! How have you not gone completely bloody crazy?? FFS. Is he your actual fucking jailer? Tell him to fuck off to far side of fuck, the controlling twat.

Man. I'm speechless.

Isadora666 · 06/04/2018 21:02

Great dad but can't look after his own kids by himself? The father of my eldest kid is an absolutely useless waste of space so I raised him alone for nine years. My life then sounds easier than yours does now. Get rid.