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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it isnt bullying...

58 replies

upsideup · 05/04/2018 22:26

...If it only happens once?
DS1 said some mean things to his friend at school before we broke up for easter and they were actually not very nice, she also didnt say anything mean back though her friends did for her. He got upset when I picked him up that day because he felt bad about saying them, I told him why it wasnt okay to say them and he went in the next day with a note saying sorry and that he didnt mean any of these things.

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 05/04/2018 22:27

It was bullying. Yabu

HannaPintura · 05/04/2018 22:28

How old is your ds? Who called him a bully?

wonderstar1216 · 05/04/2018 22:30

Bullying is never just once, it's always more than one. That's what we teach at our school as the term bullying gets thrown around too easily.

Cavender · 05/04/2018 22:32

Why are you keen to say that it was not bullying?

Has she said she won’t play with him now because he’s a bully?

An apology doesn’t wipe out the action. It doesn’t wipe the slate clean.

I assume he’s suffering some consequences for his behaviour?

It’s an excellent life lesson. If you are unkind people stop liking you.

Starlight2345 · 05/04/2018 22:34

Who is saying it is bullying

Original poster

upsideup · 05/04/2018 22:36

He's 8 and the friends mum has called it a 'bullying issue'

OP posts:

CheeseyToast · 05/04/2018 22:39

The definition of bullying includes "repeated behaviour" (intended to cause distress) so technically no.

Can't everyone say sorry and move on?

SD1978 · 05/04/2018 22:44

Nope, not bullying. Bullying is repeated, not a singular incident. Much like troll, it gets thrown around without any real thinking. If it was a kids argument, and a one off, not a bullying issue

twelly · 05/04/2018 22:44

I think it is too easy to label fall- outs and quarrels as bullying. This escalates matters. Children need to be given the opportunity to sort things out themselves first as that is how they learn to deal with conflict. I agree there is a time to escalate things but far to often a disagreement/quarrel etc spirals out of control due to the labelling of an incident as bullying

DangerEgg · 05/04/2018 22:47

Kids can be mean, and say unkind things. If every event like that were bullying, the schools will be very busy.

We need to teach children kindness, and resilience.

zzzzz · 05/04/2018 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shuggas · 05/04/2018 22:54

I agree, children are not born knowing how to deal with every situation in life and how to act, - tbf neither are adults hence the AIBU posts to get a consensus..

A one off, an apology, and lessons learned is fine for a child. Nobody is perfect.

Idontdowindows · 05/04/2018 22:58

No, it's not bullying. They had a stupid one of kiddie fight and your son was a little arsehole.

All bullies are little arseholes, but not all little arseholes are bullies.

Wolfiefan · 05/04/2018 22:59

Was it only once or only once that you know of?

Original poster

upsideup · 05/04/2018 23:00

Thankyou, I'm not denying what he did was wrong but I just dont think it is a bullying.
And I dont really think theres anything else we can do, DS apologised and knows not to do anything like that again. Bullying in my eyes would be repeated and the bully not caring that they were hurting the other person, not a one off name calling from an 8 year old who felt bad, knew what they did was wrong and apoligised the next day.

OP posts:

MadMags · 05/04/2018 23:02

Well, who did she say that to? Has she approached the school about it?

blaaake · 05/04/2018 23:05

It's not bullying. She's batshit

Wolfiefan · 05/04/2018 23:07

Was it a one off though?
Not sure what else you can do.

Eemamc · 05/04/2018 23:09

Speaking with my teacher hat on... a one off is not bullying, it is repeated behaviour. We have to explain this to the kids, as they are v quick to say it’s bullying

ErrolTheDragon · 05/04/2018 23:10

This seems to define it quite clearly

www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/index.html

ErrolTheDragon · 05/04/2018 23:11

(That site is American but it seems applicable anywhere)

RebelRogue · 05/04/2018 23:12

All bullies are little arseholes, but not all little arseholes are bullies.

I really like that, I wonder if we can use it in school when we talk about bullying.

A bit OT but after anti bullying week we had about 7 reports of bullying in the class. Fair enough,kids felt empowered to talk. SLT was jumping for joy because "this is working" except...
Case 1:X is supposed to be my best friend but she plays with y more than me.

Case 2:Y won't let me play with him aka let me steal all his blocks or knock them down after he spent ages building them.

Case 3: Z is horrible to me all the time and hits me.Which is true,but kid complaining likes winding Z up i.e. calling him names,sticking tongue out,humming in his ear etc. Z has some issues and hitting is not acceptable and we are working with him and his family .

Case 4: A is always ignoring me and turns her back when I talk to her she told me to shut up and she doesn't care. Well yeah,because you're on the carpet and she's trying to listen and make the right choices.

Case 5: B said he won't come over to my house anymore. I assume B's mum makes the rules,and even if she doesn't he doesn't actually have to.

Case 6: he's breathing next to me and I can't concentrate.

Case 7: parent actually came into school ,lots of meetings. Her daughter and C don't get along,C is horrible to her etc. It's actually a power struggle between both girl over girl D. Everytime there's only two of them in school everything is great regardless of which 2, have all 3 of them together and it's WW3 complete with eye rolling,whatevers,you're bossy,you're rude,you're mean on all sides.

sohypnotic · 05/04/2018 23:38

At the school I taught at recently, bullying could apply to a single incident as 'repeated' behaviour can still occur. For example one individual repeatedly making mean comments to another (without any response), or a group 'ganging up' on a individual and repeating the same/similar mean comments

sohypnotic · 05/04/2018 23:43

Also even just making one mean comment one time could be bullying if the commenter knows others use this insult, e.g if you deliberately called someone four eyes as you knew others did and it upset them then you would be bullying them too, even just saying it once

Cavender · 06/04/2018 01:53

I’m surprised the other Mum has raised it with you if it was a one off.

Are you sure it was a one off?

The other girls leaping in to defend her is interesting.

I don’t think it’s necessarily helpful for parents to jump in between kids’ arguments but the fact your son has only told you about one incident doesn’t necessarily mean there was only one.

Her involvement would rather indicate that what he said has either seriously distressed her DD or that it wasn’t the first incident.

In your place I don’t think I’d want to be minimising it to the other mother. I doubt that will be helpful.

All you can do is make it clear that you were appalled by his behaviour and assure her it won’t be repeated.

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