To think it isnt bullying...

[upsideup]

...If it only happens once?
DS1 said some mean things to his friend at school before we broke up for easter and they were actually not very nice, she also didnt say anything mean back though her friends did for her. He got upset when I picked him up that day because he felt bad about saying them, I told him why it wasnt okay to say them and he went in the next day with a note saying sorry and that he didnt mean any of these things.

Schools define bullying as Several Times On Purpose.

With this in mind, the incident you describe (though unkind and intended to hurt) would NOT be classed as bullying. He has apologized and if he is as remorseful as you describe, then the incident is resolved. However, if he makes the same or similar hurtful comments again, it will become the start of a bullying issue, which could have serious consequences for both him and the other child. You should make this very clear to him.

To answer your questions

-None of it was said directely to the girls face, she was on one side of the playground and her friends came back and forth giving and recieving messages, so DS was called names supposedly from the girl as well (though it could have just been from the friends). It wasnt just him againt her, the whole class was getting involved and encouraging the fallout.
-The things were along the lines of I dont like you anymore, I only was pretending to be your friend, you annoy me not anything racist or personally offensive and then they then didnt talk to each other for the rest of the day. He was only really upset because he didnt mean any of the things he said and didnt want them to fall out, he also definately knows we dont say things to hurt others, he has never done this before.
I replied to the mums message asking if she was refering to just the one incident on thursday and she hasnt said of any others. They had a half day on friday and he gave her in front of her mum the apology friday morning. The weekend before that she was at our house and the wednesday, so day before that they were at gymnastics and spent the whole down time together.

I can understand how if the incident was physical or he was forcing her into doing something but name calling across the playground as long as it was an single incident for which he apologised I can not consider bullying. Although he was unkind and I am disapointed in him, apart from apolgising which he did and knowing and not wanting to ever say mean things again then there really isnt anything more we can do, I dont know if shes going to get the school involved but if she does what more can they suggest than a written apology and making sure it doesnt happen again?

This is standard playground fare to be honest. Ignore the other parent. She is aware that he has apologized - if she still wants to pursue it further she will need to speak to the teacher, who will reassure her that it was a fallout between friends and not an incident of bullying.

As a former teacher, the number of parents who cried bullying when two children fell out never failed to astound me. Children fall out and make up again - it's all part of growing up. Parents are understandably hurt at the prospect of their child being upset but most of the time the children sort out the problem themselves - and this is something that should be encouraged for their social development (with a little support when needed, of course). Having a parent who flies into the classroom throwing the B word around on the back of the smallest issue really impacts a child's resilience and ability to take ownership of their own behavior.

Obviously it's a very different scenario when a child is being purposefully targeted and this should always be taken seriously by the school.

In which case Upside all you can do is address it via the school if it comes to that.

Thank you for clarifying op. I think your son's apology was more than enough. This is not bullying but playground quarrels - at the end of term they are more likely with tired children ready for a holiday. The mother is being Overprotective and unreasonable

There's an interesting article on the difference between being rude, being mean, and bullying here if you'd like to look at it.

Basically the author is a therapist who works with bullying issues on a national level and her take on this has three levels.

Being rude - is inadvertently saying or doing something that hurts feelings or causes offence although none was intended and its usually a one-off.

Being mean - is done on purpose, maybe once or twice but not repeatedly.

Bullying - is repeated and has an imbalance of power between the people involved.

What you've described sounds like children being mean rather than bullying, with friends of both children stirring the pot but your son feeling upset and remorseful afterwards. It doesn't sound like there was a power imbalance or anything like that.

It actually sounds like a good chance to talk to him about how he and his friend both felt on hearing and saying mean things, how he knows not to do it again, and why the people passing messages were behaving hurtfully and badly too so it's a lesson in not letting other people encourage him to treat his friends badly.

That's not to say he isn't responsible for himself, but I remember this kind of thing at school and it's easy for all of them to get caught up in the drama of messages being passed.

It doesn't sound like bullying to me. Sounds like they fell out and he went overboard with what he said. Shouldn't have said it but acknowledges that and apologised. Bullying is repeated vile behaviour and to label one off fall outs and incidents as bullying belittles what is a horrible and victim destroying crime. The term is flashed about far too easily and detracts from genuine cases. Personally I also feel that labelling someone a bully without just cause is a form of bullying on its own.

It’s ridiculous then that the mother is calling it bullying. Dd has had a few issues with a girl in her class. They’re good friends but the girl is jealous of dd, it’s sad really for her. Dd and I have talked about it a lot. But it was persisting and straying into bullying territory. It came to a head when in one week the girl took and stamped on dds food, punched her (not hard) in the face, said it was an accident but dd did have a little cut inside her mouth and also said her stepmum was going to kill me. So the teacher had a word. Since then everything is fine. But I’m not holding it against the girl. She’s 9 fgs.