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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it isnt bullying...

58 replies

upsideup · 05/04/2018 22:26

...If it only happens once?
DS1 said some mean things to his friend at school before we broke up for easter and they were actually not very nice, she also didnt say anything mean back though her friends did for her. He got upset when I picked him up that day because he felt bad about saying them, I told him why it wasnt okay to say them and he went in the next day with a note saying sorry and that he didnt mean any of these things.

OP posts:
DairyisClosed · 06/04/2018 02:01

It's not bullying. Bullying us serious and occurs over a series of events causing considerable distress. This is not that. Just bad manners/ill humour/a fight and so forth. Not good but certainly not bullying. Calling it bullying us a very snowflakey thing to do and detracts from the seriousness of actual bullying.

Fozzleyplum · 06/04/2018 02:17

At my DCs' primary, they were taught that bullying could be identified by the acronym STOP - Several Times On Purpose. A one off comment or deed was not considered to be bullying.

Coyoacan · 06/04/2018 05:41

Your little boy sounds lovely, OP.

FrancisCrawford · 06/04/2018 05:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz · 06/04/2018 06:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/04/2018 06:26

He’s 8 so way off being and adult. It sounds as if he said something rather inappropriate and unkind if other kids said something back. All children say something unkind at some stage.

Some parents are ridiculously protective of their children. My dd was recently at the receiving end of a (well known) batshit parent. You haven't said what your ds said. What you need to work out was it so awful that it could be considered bullying? At 8, I’d probably say not as usually it’s a sustained attack. Whereas your ds is feeling very guilty.

twelly · 06/04/2018 06:35

This is about 8 year olds not the workplace and ACAS, a one off children's comment or even a quarrel is not bullying

FrancisCrawford · 06/04/2018 06:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrancisCrawford · 06/04/2018 06:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twelly · 06/04/2018 06:44

This is an incident between 8 year olds not the workplace therefore I do not think ACAS's guidelines are relevant

CheeseyToast · 06/04/2018 10:27

Lol at the helpful ACAS information

Catspaws · 06/04/2018 10:52

It is bullying. It only needs to happen once - to the bullied child it makes no difference.

Hopefully your DS has learned from his behaviour and won't do it again, in which case that's great. Lots of people who are bullies learn not to do it again and grow up to be decent people.

Cavender · 06/04/2018 12:58

I find it interesting that posters are quick to say that it’s definitely not bullying and it’s just a “fight” or a “quarrel” between kids.

As per the OP this is a boy saying nasty things to a girl who was standing silently. That’s not a fight or a quarrel. That’s not a falling out.

The OP didn’t include what he said to this girl, which may well contribute to the other mother’s view that this was a serious incident.

The other mother (and one would assume the girl) are still upset about this incident over a week later.

Some posters think the fact that the boy cried and wrote a letter of apology makes everything better. That’s not how life works even as adults.

So in the basis of pretty brief information, given purely from the boy’s side, posters are happily minimising what happened to this girl. Saying that the mother’s complaint is “snowflakery” or that it’s nothing to worry about.

It’s almost a commentary on life...

twelly · 06/04/2018 21:54

True the exact details of the incident are not known, however we are talking about 8 year olds. These are children, we should not be escalating quarrels. The comment re gender male bully female silent in my opinion is stereotyping. These are children, the incident was a one off. Far to much is now dealt with under the bullying heading - the labelling of incidents does not mean it was bullying. Just because someone thinks they have been bullied does not mean they have. Think we need a more common sense approach.

Cavender · 06/04/2018 21:57

however we are talking about 8 year olds. These are children, we should not be escalating quarrels.

I’ve experienced some pretty spiteful and manipulative 8 yos so perhaps that is colouring my view Twelly

There’s nothing to suggest the other Mother was escalating anything though, we don’t have any details.

twelly · 06/04/2018 22:07

I agree 8 year olds can be manipulating and we don't know the full details of the incident. Nevertheless, escalating and labelling is in my view not advisable, far to frequently the use of of the terms such as bullying escalated a situation. In fact it is more likely the bully is the parent making the accusation.

Cavender · 06/04/2018 22:24

In fact it is more likely the bully is the parent making the accusation.

Because she’s upset someone was horrible to her child? Hmm

That’s a really big stretch with absolutely no foundation Twelly

Coyoacan · 06/04/2018 22:25

Considering some of the things I said and did when I was that age and things that my dd said did, I couldn't call this bullying. Children get riled and say things. The important thing is that he realised what he did and is truly repentant.

twelly · 06/04/2018 23:25

Parents alleging bullying loge a one off occasion is my opinion a use of scare tactics and if you have the view bullying is a one off ( which I donot) could be termed bullying!

Cavender · 06/04/2018 23:37

Twelly a “scare tactic”? It’s more likely she was just pissed off!!

And we don’t actually know it was a one off. We know that the OP is aware of one incident, which is not the same thing at all.

twelly · 06/04/2018 23:51

Totally agree we don't know what actually happened .... It could be as in a simple childish agreement escalated by adults.

tiggersneverdie · 07/04/2018 04:22

FrancisCrawford Racism is horrible and should be stamped on heavily but at the same time I have always stuggled to undertand why racist comments are taken more seriously than a nasty comment made to a child with red hair, or who is short or tall.

rumbelina · 07/04/2018 07:10

The ACAS definitions make the impact on the victim the deciding point regarding bullying, not the number of occurrences. And that seems a sensible way to look at things.

I agree with this. I was spat on and laughed at walking past a bigger girl when I was 10. I felt humiliated, ashamed, helpless etc. It didn’t happen again but it affected how I felt at school. I wasn’t a very confident kid anyway and that made it worse.

Pengggwn · 07/04/2018 07:32

The meaning that has sprung up more recently is that it has to be repeated behaviour, but I would say, based on the use of the word over a longer time period, one-off behaviour can certainly be bullying. It just means using your power over someone to intimidate them or get them to comply with what you want.

skippykips · 07/04/2018 09:13

I think it depends on what has been said. I know unkind words are always unkind however, there are different levels of unkind. Did your child say something that most kids would say sometimes. Eg 'I don't like you, you are bossy'
Or was it something extremely personal, something deep? Does that make sense?
My DD gets called a boffin all the time. This does not upset her as she knows it js because she tries hard in school. But there are certain things that might only be said once and it would cause her extreme upset.
Is this why it has been called a 'bullying issue'