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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell ExH where to go? (Summer Holiday related)

79 replies

MyHolidayYourHoliday · 04/04/2018 11:53

Name change for this.

ExH and I split when DD was 3, due to DV from him towards me. She's now 6 nearly 7. He pays less than legal minimum maintenance and I've never asked for more in 3 years since we split despite knowing his income has increased but his outgoings haven't (lives with his parents who can afford for him to work minimum/not pay them). I accommodate his requests and last minute changes without complaint, he has 1 overnight every fortnight (4pm Saturday - 4pm Sunday) but he often changes it due to work, I pay/arrange childcare if I'm working or just keep with me if not. I never ever moan. I share Christmas and her birthday despite him only having her for the 1 overnight a fortnight. He never has her more even in school holidays apart from taking her away for 10 days a year.

Since DD started school the arrangement has always been that in June half term I take her away. ExH always has her either the weekend before or after depending on how I book. Her birthday is after half term so I ensure we're back for him to see her on her birthday. I then allow him to take her away for any other week of the year, even in school term time - he's taken her out of school for a holiday every year since she started, I've never complained or taken away permission.

This year for the first time ever I've saved for us to go abroad. I cannot wait. I haven't been abroad in over 15 years, and DD has never been. All her school friends have been too Greece or Turkey or France or somewhere else, and she never has. I haven't told her yet, but I know she's going to be super excited. I am just as excited about telling her as she will be about going. It's all paid for. My DM and DBro are also coming with us so that I have a babysitter for a couple of nights if I want to go out or away from the room while DD sleeps (I probably won't - kindle and wine on the balcony for me - but the option is there if I want it)

Knowing it would be her first holiday abroad, I extended the invite to ExH and/or his parents if they paid for themselves. I've given the details of hotel and the dates we're going. DDs school has a teacher training day on the Monday after half term so we're going Monday - Monday with the plan being ExH has her for the weekend before we go. ExH said he didn't want to come and would see her the weekend before.

He has now emailed me to say he doesn't give me permission to take DD out of the country . He's saying he wants to take her on her first "proper" holiday but he wants to wait until she's a bit older to understand it.

I am raging. It's less than 8 weeks to half term now. I was going to tell DD when she gets back from holiday club tonight (currently on my lunch break).

AIBU to tell him I'm taking her anyway? I've paid for her passport, will be buying all her holiday clothes, have arranged a sitter for our cats (and my mums as well). All I want is one week a year where I don't have to consider him. I don't think it's too much to ask.

If he takes me to court will the judge let me take her anyway?

OP posts:

grumpydwarf · 04/04/2018 11:57

Likely hood is that he will need to prove to the judge why you can't go away rather than you having to prove why you can if you see what I mean? Especially as you extended the invite to him and he chose not to go with you. If I was you I would put in an emergency order to ask the judge to allow you to go and also ask for an order to be raised making you as the person who the child lives with. This would allow you in the future to take the child out of the country for up to 30 day with out his permission. Good luck!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/04/2018 12:02

So, gloves off, I think! Who does he think he is. He wants to be the first so you will of course oblige! Twat!

As grumpy said, court for the holiday and a proper maintenance order.

Stupid man rocking his perfectly steady boat. Don't let him do this or you will be telling him he is utterly in control of you and your life! It's just his new way of abusing you, I should think!

Prettylovely · 04/04/2018 12:02

I agree with pp put in an emergency order.
He sounds really selfish, hes not thinking of your daughter at all.

SavvyBlancBlonde · 04/04/2018 12:02

Stop letting him run rough shod over you. Goto CMS, got the money your DD is owed from her dad as it’s for her. I think you need to apply for a residency order (child arrangement order) which should allow you 28 days abroad but maybe someone else who knows can give the correct info.

I found this

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

Fijisky · 04/04/2018 12:05

Still take her! No judge will say you can’t take her on holiday.

Fuck him

SillyLittleBiscuit · 04/04/2018 12:06

I think you need to explain to him that, if you do go to court, you'll have to request he starts paying the correct maintenance. Daft man.

Good luck and I really hope you get your holiday.

Lacucuracha · 04/04/2018 12:09

He is a complete wanker. Stop being so considerate to the arsehole, go via the CMS for maintenance!

Don't beg him not to deny permission, see your solicitor!

happymumof4crazykids · 04/04/2018 12:11

Don't mention it to him again. Do you and your daughter have the same surname? If so nothing stopping you going unless he gets a court order to stop you. I would be very surprised if he was granted it unless you are going to a country where you have relatives and he can prove there is a possibility of you not returning.

YourWanMajella · 04/04/2018 12:11

Hes' not going to take you to court, but even if he does you would get permission anyway.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 04/04/2018 12:11

Seek legal advice
Remember he isn't your friend and he has just proved he does not have his dd's best interests at heart.
Guve him a wide berth from now on and enjoy your dd without giving him such courtesies.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 04/04/2018 12:12

So he fucks you over when you're together then fucks you over when you're apart?

It's time to get tougher. You no longer owe him any favours. You no longer owe him any softness. Your only focus has to be your DD and you need to show him that you're prepared to fight for this. Let him stall and try to stop you; legally he'll need to show that this trip abroad poses some sort of a risk.

Also, get something formal in place to sort out monies. And don't let him bail on childcare; he can sort it out from now on rather than you. If something needs rearranging due to his work, let him rearrange it. Let him know you won't tolerate his complete selfish bullshit.

ItsNachoCheese · 04/04/2018 12:14

No judge would refuse you permission to take your dd on holiday

bettycat81 · 04/04/2018 12:16

Are you classed as the resident parent in the child arrangement order in your divorce? If so you don't need permission.

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

Original poster

MyHolidayYourHoliday · 04/04/2018 12:18

No relatives in the country we're going to, and I do have a return flight booked.

Will speak to my solicitor when I get home tonight.

I'm not bothered about the maintenance, DD doesn't go without because of it, but it's just to show what kind of person he is. I think he's trying to control me, not actually see his child.

OP posts:

Original poster

MyHolidayYourHoliday · 04/04/2018 12:19

Residency wasn't mentioned in the divorce, but as I have her 13 days out of 14 I'd assumed I'd be classed as RP.

DD and I have the same surname yes. I kept my married name as I wanted the same name as my child.

OP posts:

Dozer · 04/04/2018 12:19

Don’t mention it to him again - he would need a court order and it is unlikely he will seek it, or be given it.

Why haven’t you claimed the proper maintenance? Are you still frightened of him?

Snowjoker · 04/04/2018 12:19

I’m quite alarmed you would invite a man who abused you on holiday with you. You are trying to do what’s best for your dd but showing her her mother can’t be pushed around is a pretty good lesson too. I would avoid sending her to his house for the weekend before you leave in case he managed to be “late” back with her. What cards exactly does he think he holds?

Dozer · 04/04/2018 12:20

DD DOES go without because of it. If you don’t need the money for cost of living it could go into savings for her. You’re not doing her any favours not seeking it.

Justanotherzombie · 04/04/2018 12:23

Make sure you have something in place in case he holds on to her the weekend before.

lalalalyra · 04/04/2018 12:23

What a prick.

Use this as the chance to get your orders firmed up. You aren't legally the RP, so take him at his word. Go to court (it doens't need to be expensive, read up on it and represent yourself) and get it down on paper that you are the RP and that you can take your DD out of the country.

Don't risk him going to court the week before your holiday. If he's nasty enough he might and even if he delays it by a few days it can ruin it all.

Also I'd be putting a CM claim through CMS. Your DD may not be missing out by not having it, but she's entitled to it.

bastardkitty · 04/04/2018 12:24

You will need to go to court for a Specific Issues Order to be able to do this without his consent. If you file to court immediately you might just about manage to get it. You cannot take her without his agreement or an order, not least because he knows all the details of your holiday. Also stop being so reasonable with him as it's all one-sided, and do spend £20 opening a case with CMS to get the correct amount of maintenance. He sounds charming.

elisenbrunnen · 04/04/2018 12:28

I'd let him know that you are prepared to go to court to get RP and the right to take her away, OP.

Let him know that IF you have to do that, you will be raising the question of maintenance, and a proper court-agreed access/contact agreement. That you will stick to, to the letter (no more adjustments, weekends are set-in-stone etc)

See if he will still be so bloody-minded as to shit on his own easy-life.

Firesuit · 04/04/2018 12:31

Do you and your daughter have the same surname? If so nothing stopping you going unless he gets a court order to stop you.

I don't think this is right. He has, knowing the details of the holiday, specifically said he does not give permission. According to a government web site I've just googled, she would be be guilty of child abduction if she now proceeded with the holiday.

I think she needs to change his mind, or if that fails, go to court.

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

bertielab · 04/04/2018 12:32

I find the more I bend the more he takes. So now, if he is nice, I'm nice the next time he asks. ie I asked to swap a day last July, he said no (no reason), he then asked to swap a day. He ranted and raved. I pointed out he had said no to me (for an important occasion) so what's good for the goose is good for the gander. For 6 months he banged on about it and each time I kindly pointed out he had said no. When he is nice, I repay it back on a one by one basis. I always respond after his behaviour in the 'same way'. He's learning. Albeit slowly.

I would go to CMS for starters. Put it in writing that you think his reason isn't reasonable. Tell him if he wants to take her on holiday -out of the country go ahead. You give permission if agreed in advance.

Is there a court order? If not, keep her the weekend or the days just before you go -so he can't pull a fast one.

Personally I think you should have got his permission BEFORE anything was booked. But that's by the by.

Stop being a doormat. It doesn't work. The more you give the more SOME exes can take. In abusive relationships -such as you have described -clear boundaries.

Trinity66 · 04/04/2018 12:34

what a dickhead

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